DP's mum wants him to leave her half our flat

[Kfcinbed]

My DP’s mother wants him to leave half of our new flat to her if he dies.

My DP and I are in the process of buying a flat- I had saved my half of the deposit and he borrowed some of his half from his mum, who said he could pay in back within the next five years with no problems/ terms etc. The amount he borrowed is not a big loan in terms of how much of the property it is worth - (2.5%).

We had decided together to buy the flat as joint tenants meaning that if something happens to one of us, the other inherits the flat with no problems.

We’re two weeks away from our estimated completion date and his mum has now said we have to change it to tenants in common, and that he must leave a will stipulating that if he dies, his half of the flat will go to her. If not, she wants her money back now.

She lives all the way across the world and would have no use for a flat in london.

Her reasoning is that she wants to protect her investment (though it is a loan, not an investment) and is not open to anything other than this option (we have suggested a contract stating I will pay her back).

I feel that this is grossly unfair considering it was not mentioned at the time of lending (months ago) and DP and I both feel that we would want each other to inherit if the worst was to happen.

Am I wrong to feel insulted and like this is unfair of her to ask?

This is totally unreasonable. If your dmil wanted to add caveats she should have said so at the time. Your dp will need to talk to her to tell her he wants you to benefit should he die, not her. She should accept the amount she loaned your dp in the case of his death. Do not go ahead unless he can talk her around. Even if you have to wait and save ups for more time, do not give in to her.

@Henrypancake What?! For a loan worth 2.5%

@Kfcinbed I think there's issues here in the future for you if your 'DP' won't stand up to his 'DM'

You should just take the money as originally agreed and pay it back asap- simple.

I don't see why your partner is worried about upsetting his mother, the damage has already been done to their relationship, surely? This is disgusting behaviour from a so called mother

Read the OP's posts, guys.
We're on page 31!!

You've had lots of great advice: I like the one from exexpat regarding remaking the will after the fact.

I will say this though: she may be across the world but as you have seen, she has a long reach.

I know you love your DP but do you want to be saddled with that monstrosity of a MIL?

She may be across the world now but she could just as well turn up on your doorstep in the future and I think you need to clarify whether or not your opinion means more to your DP or his mum's because she could be a real thorn in your side at a later date.

Food for thought.

Do NOT go to Australia even for a year if you have DC together

She will work on him and make him extend the visit, then to stay permanently - and you will have to stay as well, or lose the DC

Even before DC, you would probably have to choose between him and returning to the UK, once he is back under her thumb

Just give her a charge over the flat for the amount she loaned. that way if something happens, she gets her amount back on resale. The only problem with that is that could enforce a sale if your DP dies. If you can handle that, do it that way.

You need legal advice - if you own as tenants in common then you will be homeless if the unthinkable happens and your partner dies.

It's fine for her to want to protect her investment but there are other ways to do this that don't endanger you .

Does your partner not know what she is like ?

Well, I don't know what you can do... I would offer 2.5% and pay her back quickly.
It's a very odd request and quite greedy and unkind.
But people can be greedy and unfair, for all sorts of reasons. And for people who say he should lie to her or have a massive row- it's his MUM...
We were recently offered the chance to rent a family flat for a limited time. The flat had hitherto been lived in RENT FREE by an elderly family member . Instead of renting the flat to us we got an earful of general telling off for being hard up. Instead of short term help. We hadn't ASKED for this arrangement it was offered and then retracted .Guilt and greed probably, my partner is a wonderful son to his father.

She must be seething now. Her chance of gaining power over you has disappeared.

I bet she's not. I bet she's laughing her socks off that she's "saved" her boy from the clutches of the "gold digger".

That would be the end of the relationship for me I'm afraid. Or I'd have married him in a quickie wedding out of spite.

I sure you're not going to Australia, but a poster called DollyDownUnder (or similar) had a very sad, cautionary tale. She went with her husband who decided to have an affair (I think while they were going through ivf) and eventually they split up. Unfortunately Dolly had children who were habitually resident in Australia, so Dolly had to stay in the country and iirc she couldn't work in her usual area so her income was minimal.

I think your current plans to buy a place on your own and just charge him rent are for the best. You dodged a terrible situation here. But equally, I think he needs to commit to you before you share property with him. I've no idea how receptive he'd be or how you'd bring it up, but getting in some therapy or a support group for people with narcissistic parents would be really helpful. Speaking from experience, it can be really hard for people who've been given a psychological trip by parents to get over it.

I totally understand why people don't read the full thread when it's very long. However, I never understand why they don't scan for updates from the OP so they can see WHAT'S CHANGED.

It's really important that when you do buy alone that you do not factor in his rent as sadly I doubt you will be together long i hope because the spineless mammys boy doesn't deserve you

RTFT
The mother has refused the compromise and the OP will buy something else on her own

I mean if he wants to he can make a will send her a copy and then just change it after that! Can he negotiate a contract where he will leave her X ammount decreasing by Y every month from Z date until it reaches 0 that way she will always get her investment back no matter what! 50% is way more than what she paid in at most she should get 2.5% thats how it works with help to buy if I sold my house now with H2B loan in place they get 20% of the sale value however if I pay them back then sell they have no claim to any extra value. Also this works both ways if my house decreases in value (which newbuilds do due to the help to buy scam thats been going on) they get back less than they invested at time of sale!

Thank goodness you aren’t proceeding! Tough lesson but I hope it’s opened your eyes a bit more.

I think someone needs to point out to her that the type of arrangement she is suggestion would only be acceptable if she was paying half deposit & his half of the mortgage/property cost as an investment. Not for a deposit loan, very strange/greedy.

What would be acceptable is a legal document to say you will pay back the money she has loaned your partner, she has no right to expect half of what he then invests into the property and any capital gain just because you both are not married.

She was very sly to pull this out of the hat at the last minute, and I would question whether it was her plan all along. Even if not, it is very underhand to expect you to agree now, or hold you ransom to her unreasonable demands given she knows how far along you are and how much you both probably want the property. Shame on her!

I personally would feel so much bad feeling living in the property given that she had forced my hand and made me agree to something unreasonable, plus that it was not really my home...that I would rather say OK back to the drawing board and find a way to do it without her!

I would definitely make sure whatever you decide you are fully covered and it is legally watertight.

I was imagining that his mother lived somewhere like Singapore or HongKong where traditionally sons are expected to support their parents in later life but Australia!!

I'm very glad you will be getting your own flat, but Returnofthesmileybar is absolutely correct with her warning.
I am getting a glimmer of understanding about your boyf's mother's attitude (except her insistence that he might die before her is very morbid, to say the least) - it's not about her "gift" which was not a gift because he would have had to repay it, it was about her own "inheritance" which she clearly feels is owed to her because she is next-of-kin. She is a seriously greedy, nasty piece of work and please be sure that you don't get into any financial entanglements related to her in future without consulting a solicitor and as someone mentioned above "ring-fencing" your contribution and stipulating a specific, fair, calculation about what proportion is yours and what proportion is his, not only in the case of untimely death, but in the case of your splitting up.
Good luck with finding a lovely new flat of your very own!

In view of your updates then I would definitely buy in your own name and think very carefully about this relationship.

Your DP thinks she's a "sad old lady" and you think she's in her 60s - that's not old! She could easily live for another 20-30 years! Whats he going to do if her health takes a turn for the worse and she starts piling on the emotional pressure for him to come back to spend time with her? Her actions to date have been irrational and unfair, so don't think for a moment that she wouldn't do the same again if it meant getting her son to come back "home".

Be very careful about entering a long-term relationship with someone who is always going to put you second to his mother. You'll be asked to put up and shut up again and again, to turn the other cheek and be the bigger person - it'll be like death by a thousand cuts.

It's not up to you to fix him and the dynamic between him and his mother. But if he genuinely cannot see that her actions are batshit and really outrageously unfair and wants to rug-sweep so that he can avoid rocking the boat, then get ready for years and years of gritting your teeth and being treated like shit by her. Until one day when you wake up and think that life's too short to pander to a manipulative woman who hates your guts and is trying everything possible to manipulate her son so that he'll dump you...

Please do this right. What happens when this honeymoon stage is over and your DP feels guilty about going against your mum. He could easily make another Will without you knowing until it's too late. Joint tenancy or nothing OP, it's the only safe option.

it's not about her "gift" which was not a gift because he would have had to repay it, it was about her own "inheritance" which she clearly feels is owed to her because she is next-of-kin

I'm not even sure it was entirely about her getting it - more about OP NOT getting it.

I’m not that clued up on MN! Is there any way to read only the posts from OP, to get an update, without having to read all 31 pages?? Who has time for that?!

Not read whole thread but wouldn’t glorious revenge be to do what she asks and then get married (—without inviting her—)

Wow MIL has shown herself to be an aged gold digger, a CF manipulative money grabber who was expecting to profit off of your money OP and her DS's death!!

She's shot her own DP in the foot. Be won't be a home owner now with nothing to show for his rent. Don't make a will out to him, leave it for your family.
Unless he can show he can stand up to his bullying selfish mother, I would be wary of giving him any foothold in your life.

He's making a tiny start by taking out the fees she's cost you from her "gift/loan" by changing at this last minute. I hope you get your full share back.