DP's mum wants him to leave her half our flat

[Kfcinbed]

My DP’s mother wants him to leave half of our new flat to her if he dies.

My DP and I are in the process of buying a flat- I had saved my half of the deposit and he borrowed some of his half from his mum, who said he could pay in back within the next five years with no problems/ terms etc. The amount he borrowed is not a big loan in terms of how much of the property it is worth - (2.5%).

We had decided together to buy the flat as joint tenants meaning that if something happens to one of us, the other inherits the flat with no problems.

We’re two weeks away from our estimated completion date and his mum has now said we have to change it to tenants in common, and that he must leave a will stipulating that if he dies, his half of the flat will go to her. If not, she wants her money back now.

She lives all the way across the world and would have no use for a flat in london.

Her reasoning is that she wants to protect her investment (though it is a loan, not an investment) and is not open to anything other than this option (we have suggested a contract stating I will pay her back).

I feel that this is grossly unfair considering it was not mentioned at the time of lending (months ago) and DP and I both feel that we would want each other to inherit if the worst was to happen.

Am I wrong to feel insulted and like this is unfair of her to ask?

When my dad gave my sister money towards the deposit he was told in no uncertain terms it could not be a loan, he could never call it back, and had to sign paperwork proving it was a gift.
Same with a friend and his daughter.
Perhaps you need to look into that element of it?

Just be very cautious about progressing this relationship towards marriage. Huge red flags here. Be careful about keeping a record of 'rent' and any other material contributions towards the new flat. It may come back to bite you. At the moment, there are no positives and lots of negatives about developing this relationship. And be careful about your birth control.

This thread is honestly understandable as in our family we have some characters like this mother of his, and one Aunt who manipulated everyone to try to profit from a death and a funeral.

The fact she wants to make so much on the flat should her own son die, and not want any other option shows who she is.

He's tried to say that I haven't been the most understanding towards her and that she isn't malicious, just incapable of seeing that she's being outrageous.

Honestly, it's really good you've had to pull out of the sale, because I don't think you want to be tied to this man for too long. This woman has treated you both, but especially you awfully, and he's still on her side and saying you've done wrong here.

He's never going to change, there's nothing you can do to get this woman out of your life and she'll forever be there sabotaging you, treating you like crap and he's going to side with her all the time.

I think you have a lot of thinking to do about this, because he clear will never be on your side of anything.

Good luck.

When the dust has settled you need to make it very clear to your Dp that you won't ever be moving over there, especially given his mothers attitude to you. It's not fair to let him have any hope that this is ever going to be an option.
If you think his ties to his mother apron strings may ever lead to him changing his mind then it might be better to finish it now rather than later.

I really do think this needs to be a wake up moment to re-evaluate your whole relationship and the foundations it is built upon. Probably best not to sweep it all under the carpet and hope it goes away. She won't

Then she is not an old woman at all!

She clearly resents any other woman taking 1st place in her son's world, and is not worried about appearing absolutely crazy to achieve this.

I would keep her as far away as possible. Definitely don't consider moving to Australia.

At least your flat will be under your control. If she thinks it is her son's, she will think it is hers to do as she wishes with.

The next thing to be wary of OP is the mother having a "change of heart" and playing nicey-nicey to ensure that some of her money goes into the flat to ensure she has some kind of toehold.

Having failed to win this round of her power grab, don't be surprised if she tries to get some form of control in another way.

You could buy your partner a copy of "Toxic Parents" in order for him to see that he is living in FOG - Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

Don't tell him he has to read it, but suggest that it might be useful in helping him developing strategies in how to deal with her (and how to manage his own reactions to her).

Caveat: I have read most of, but not all, of the thread so apologies if this has already been suggested.

Yes it has (by me) with no response from the OP so far

Just as well I put my caveat in then

So glad you're not going ahead with such a shitty arrangement for you op. Can't believe her cheeky fuckery!

But to be frank, his attitude stinks too and he clearly doesn't mind throwing you under a bus to appease her. Not the basis of a healthy relationship. She has him very firmly by the umbilical cord and he seems ok with that and does not appear to be backing you up AT ALL.

Sorry but there's no way I'd be considering marraige with someone who answered only to his possessive mother as a potential next step as some PPs are suggesting. What fucking terrible advice

I know how totally gutting it is to lose out on a property that you've fallen in love with at such a late stage.. and too lose fees too. But, there will be other flats out there (and there are also other better men without psycho MILs from hell).

Hope things work out for you.

Have to agree with everyone else here. You may be approaching LTB territory.

You clearly called his bluff by opting for Option A (walk away) rather than C (accept DM terms) when he rejected B (buy anyway and ignore DM's demands). He is now still wheedling to get back to B so he can reverse back to C when his "D"M "relents" with a new variant on the strings. If he had his own interests let alone yours at heart he would have gone with B.

(I assume the only reason he is not paying back the £10k less the fees is that he can't afford to).

Sorry @AnotherEmma and @prettybird - I have read your suggestion and read the link you sent! I'm going to read it myself first - it looks like it will be useful

When you buy somewhere, make sure you'd be able to afford everything alone and make a proper rental agreement with him.

I'd sneak in a clause about not having guests to stay in case his mother wants to visit for a month or something but I'm petty like that.

Doesn't bode well for our future

Certainly doesn't. I dread to think of the issues that might arise if you and DP have children! Granted she lives in another country, but that doesn't completely stop interference.

She lives in another country FOR NOW.

I showed a thread to my dp and he blustered a bit, but has actually been better since

OP, there is a sister book called "Toxic In-Laws" that you may also find useful.

But I agree with recent posts that you need to take any rose-tinted specs off and have a good, close look at the relationship and your DP. He wasn't looking after his own interests here, let alone yours.

He went out to placate his DM while still trying to keep you on board. He may be a work in progress, but don't fall for the "sunk costs fallacy". If it looks like he can't be on your side in future you need to find someone who will.

Don't have DCs with this bloke until you are clear that he is on your side and has your back, not his mum's. And don't get suckered into going along with whatever his DM wants, however it's presented. No visits without an end date, keep them short not too frequently. Or she'll ride roughshod over you.

Nok is more complicated if you lose capacity, in a mental health assessment and for financial and inheritance issues. Get legal advice, if she turns up it could be very awkward

Haven't read the full thread, but why doesn't he take out a small life insurance plan that will pay her the sum loaned on his death instead?

I think it's lovely of you if you allow his mother to half own your flat for a few thousand as that means it can be her pad whenever she visits, has extended stays with her grandchildren or partner/s without the maintenance.

It would mean she could rent out her share should anything happen to her son and will be a convenient retirement home/ nursing home when she needs it as it will have a ready made caretaker/ cook/ housekeeper/ nurse/ cleaner ie you!

I would like you to leave me half your flat......... but you won't because it's up to you who you leave your possessions to when you die!

Pay her back the deposit money ASAP and live your life and make your decisions

You may have a DP problem.
If he cannot see that his DM is the root cause of the issue this does not bode well for YOUR future - she isn't going anywhere!

Some posters really, really... really need to RTFT!

Could you forge a will? If the OP did that she wouldn’t need the flat until she came out of jail,

change the will after showing her the first version, and make a new one that just leaves you 45% of his share, with 5% going to her, and take out an insurance policy so that you would not have to sell the flat to pay her out if the worst came to the worst.

THIS