DP's mum wants him to leave her half our flat

[Kfcinbed]

My DP’s mother wants him to leave half of our new flat to her if he dies.

My DP and I are in the process of buying a flat- I had saved my half of the deposit and he borrowed some of his half from his mum, who said he could pay in back within the next five years with no problems/ terms etc. The amount he borrowed is not a big loan in terms of how much of the property it is worth - (2.5%).

We had decided together to buy the flat as joint tenants meaning that if something happens to one of us, the other inherits the flat with no problems.

We’re two weeks away from our estimated completion date and his mum has now said we have to change it to tenants in common, and that he must leave a will stipulating that if he dies, his half of the flat will go to her. If not, she wants her money back now.

She lives all the way across the world and would have no use for a flat in london.

Her reasoning is that she wants to protect her investment (though it is a loan, not an investment) and is not open to anything other than this option (we have suggested a contract stating I will pay her back).

I feel that this is grossly unfair considering it was not mentioned at the time of lending (months ago) and DP and I both feel that we would want each other to inherit if the worst was to happen.

Am I wrong to feel insulted and like this is unfair of her to ask?

Dropping the price of the house won't help, unless they drop their price by 25% which they obviously won't, but as JillScarlet says

But you may be able to negotiate a lower deposit with the mortgage co.

This is your only option to keep the house.

I'm pleased you are no longer going ahead with the purchase. Now, what are you going to do about your relationship?

OP is financially secure in her own savings and income and can buy a property herself, which I think she should do without any input from your boyfriend who is penniless anyway, so that he has no future claims on your house.

At least you know your DP knows his own mind and when cornered he doesn’t give in. He sounds like a good egg.

Thanks for the support.

I will find a property on my own and DP will pay rent to me to live there.

I've tried to speaking to DP today about his relationship with his mother, but I think it's too soon. He still seems to think he should just let her think she's the closest person to him as she's a sad old lady.

He's tried to say that I haven't been the most understanding towards her and that she isn't malicious, just incapable of seeing that she's being outrageous.

I feel quite hurt by this suggestion. Doesn't bode well for our future. I'm going to let him cool off and try again.

He doesn't seem to see that her behaviour is really unhealthy for him and has been horrified at any suggestion of mine that it is not ok for her to treat him like that.

It's not good is it

Does your DP know about this thread OP? If he doesn't then in your shoes I'd not mention it to him.

@nauticant I have debated whether or not it would be helpful to show him how unanimous it has been that his mother is wrong, but I haven't said anything.

Why do you say not to?

Your relationship has taken a hit. Whether you survive only time will tell. I would let this rest for a bit to allow you both to lick your wounds and reflect.

Longer term I would be only making financial purchases which benefit you and you alone. This does not preclude your DP coming on board later if it's the right thing to do but for now you put your own financial future first.

Looking at it from MIL's point of view, she presumably thinks you are a gold digger and she is determined that you will not benefit from DP's share if he were to die, but what she is proposing is that she instead profits from her sons death. I think the crux of the matter here is that she sees herself as your DP's nearest and dearest not you, and therefore feels that she should inherit over you. Learning that DP sees things the other way round has obviously not gone down well.

Why do you say not to?

Because just about every time the OP of a thread shows it to an involved party, especially one who is not shown in completely glowing terms, the party reacts badly and starts finding things in the thread to argue over. You've been given useful insights. It's best to reflect on them without having to justify your own thinking over this and how "awful" it was to get advice from others.

No, don't show him the thread. Keep Mumsnet as private support and articulate things yourself - a bunch of strangers online won't convince anyone of anything when they're defensive of toxic family relationships.

Demanding 50% - in the event of her own son's death 😳 - for a 2.5%% "gift" is the lowest form of money-grubbing, as she calls it.

You say she is very experienced in buying & selling properties, so she would have known that 2 weeks before completion leaves you little chance of obtaining money elsewhere

It sounds like a carefully laid plan to put you in your place as "only" a girlfriend
and to ensure that she remain her son's heir in the event of his death.

I suggest your DP sees a solicitor, so that he can make it watertight that you are NOK in case of serious illness / hospital visits etc,
because she will certainly try to exclude you in the event of him being hospitalised.

If he wishes you to inherit in future - if he actually ever has something to inherit - he needs to make a will specifying this, as you do ... providing you both wish to be that entangled.

OP:
You've had a lucky escape
Don't ever get into financial dealings with your DP that depend on any gift from his mum
He needs to grow up and start saving.

Also, if your salaries are very different, consider carefully your future split of household expenses and how reasonable it is for you both

@nauticant @NopeNi thank you. You're probably right, I won't mention it to him.

"No, don't show him the thread. Keep Mumsnet as private support and articulate things yourself - a bunch of strangers online won't convince anyone of anything when they're defensive of toxic family relationships."

This

Your boyfriend probably feels sad, anxious and full of self - doubt right now. Reading this may help, but if he's not ready, it may help you to read it.
outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

The person with savings, in this case the OP, is not normally the "gold-digger"

The mother sounds batshit determined to remain the closest person to her son and to drive out any gf.
Even if you married, she'd probably always regard you now as an enemy and continue trying to break you up - especially if you continue to live in the UK.

btw - don't be tempted to move to SA to placate her or your DP:
On home turf, with you away from your support and comfort zone, she would be far more effective and dangerous

How old is his mother?

Give him time to reflect.

When he realises that his mother actually acted against his best interests, he will start to reassess.

Without her 'help' he would have had a share in a property with you.

He's tried to say that I haven't been the most understanding towards her and that she isn't malicious, just incapable of seeing that she's being outrageous

From everything you've said about him, I'm sorry to say I expected this

BatsAreCool wrote wisely about looking mainly to your own interests now. I really wouldn't expect any rent since he'd never square that with his mother, who'll certainly continue pouring poison into his ears to try and split you up

Should that happen, at least you'll have protected yourself

OP when my BF and I bought a property together we bought it as TIC 75% v 25% as I had 75% of the deposit. We went 50/50 on mortgage repayments with the plan of changing ownership to 50/50 when he could give me back the extra 25% I had contributed for the deposit (ignoring the rise in the value of the property - he was paying back the initial lump sum not a % of the house value as he was going halves on the mortgage). We actually did not leave our shares to the other in the will but gave the other person a life interest so they could not be made homeless should the worst happen. In the end we got married so everything changed. That was just what worked for us, but I would still say that you should get independent legal advice before you buy somewhere with your BF irrespective of this stuff with his mum.

OP, I'm so happy you've decided to buy alone! I am one of those people who thought my ex was an honest and nice person but was taken advantage and lost a significant part of my assets when we divorced. My MIL played a part on this and manipulated my ex in a way i never ever thought possible. Always protect yourself, ALWAYS.

@BigChocFrenzy this is interesting - one of the things she argued this morning to prove my selfishness was that I wasn't even considering moving to Australia at all (we have considered moving for a year once the flat was settled). This situation hasn't made me want to at all...

@woollyheart she's over 60 I think, not sure of the exact age!

He's tried to say that I haven't been the most understanding towards her and that she isn't malicious, just incapable of seeing that she's being outrageous.

But she said (screamed?):
she was absolutely furious, called me all kinds of things and berated him for not seeing what type of horrible, selfish, money-grabbing person I am.

In whose world is that not malicious?

Perhaps remind her of the things she called you to begin with as to why you won't go to Australia. If you want to bend people to your wants, you have to actually be nice to them.