DP's mum wants him to leave her half our flat

[Kfcinbed]

My DP’s mother wants him to leave half of our new flat to her if he dies.

My DP and I are in the process of buying a flat- I had saved my half of the deposit and he borrowed some of his half from his mum, who said he could pay in back within the next five years with no problems/ terms etc. The amount he borrowed is not a big loan in terms of how much of the property it is worth - (2.5%).

We had decided together to buy the flat as joint tenants meaning that if something happens to one of us, the other inherits the flat with no problems.

We’re two weeks away from our estimated completion date and his mum has now said we have to change it to tenants in common, and that he must leave a will stipulating that if he dies, his half of the flat will go to her. If not, she wants her money back now.

She lives all the way across the world and would have no use for a flat in london.

Her reasoning is that she wants to protect her investment (though it is a loan, not an investment) and is not open to anything other than this option (we have suggested a contract stating I will pay her back).

I feel that this is grossly unfair considering it was not mentioned at the time of lending (months ago) and DP and I both feel that we would want each other to inherit if the worst was to happen.

Am I wrong to feel insulted and like this is unfair of her to ask?

Well done Op, good luck with your property purchase!

Well done, OP! I know this must be really difficult if you were in love with the flat. But it is absolutely the right thing. It can be really hard to see the reality of these things when you’re involved in them.

If you ever waver in the future as to whether your DP’s mum is behaving irrationally or not (because you can guarantee she will at some point), just remember the almost universal condemnation here of her behaviour. She is bonkers.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, but I'm glad you're not going ahead under her terms. I know the "boyfriend is hit by a bus" scenario is unlikely, but for you it'd mean losing your home, while she'd be getting a windfall. It just seems really awful for her to be so mercenary about her son.

You've dodged a bullet there OP. Definitely try renegotiating the purchase price of the flat though rather than just pulling out. Your DP needs to return his mother's money asap.

I'm not sure why folk are suggesting he pay rent - bearing in mind he's avoided saving because of the money he expected from DM, does anyone seriously think she'd allow him to pay what would, in effect, be dead money to "a mere girlfriend"?

Of course I could be wrong and he might see this as an ideal opportunity to finally stand on his own two feet ... and pigs might fly

OP did DP call her out on her behaviour?

He needs to let her know that HE - not you - is uncomfortable with her demands, she is being extremely unreasonable, and it is actually none of her business whatsoever.

Is she completely well? Does she have form for unstable behaviour like this?

I'd be very hesitant to tell her anything at all about your future decisions.

I'm glad you've both dodged this bullet, OP. She really did have ulterior motives going on, and you never quite know what someone like that will be capable of in a crisis.

Perhaps it would make her happy if you had a quickie wedding, to which she is not invited?

Definitely try renegotiating the purchase price of the flat

Yes, this. As well as seeing if you can get the mortgage company to absorb the shortfall and just add it onto your mortgage. I would go to the mortgage company first.

Definitely don’t take out a loan though as some posters have advised - it’s illegal and it will be SO easy to catch you.

But there are still avenues open by which you could still get the flat you want. All is not lost.

As a pp said, the one blessing is that she's not going to be popping in every week. Fortunately she's far away and cannot impact much on your day to day lives.

And yes, if he's hit by that hypothetical bus and injured but not killed outright, she'll be the one making all the decisions as his next of kin.

Definitely try renegotiating the purchase price of the flat

People are failing to see that this won't help. A deposit is a percentage of the whole house cost. A reduction in the purchase price is only going to lower the deposit needed by a little bit.

Hope he's returned the money already - but I bet he hasn't!

“Definitely try renegotiating the purchase price of the flat”

To reduce a deposit by £5k you would need to reduce the purchase price by £50k.

But you may be able to negotiate a lower deposit with the mortgage co.

Poor DP, too, having his Mum set up a situation which results in his DP and Dm in a stand off over money in the event of his death. Him taking control of his own decisions is the only dignified way out of that. I.e putting his Mum’s ‘help’ out if the picture. Dreadful that she was testing her son and his potential death as an investment opportunity

Oh OP, I agree you’ve probably dodged a bullet and this is for the best but this must be really hard so close to exchange and completion, losing the flat and all this family drama.

If he could himself pay back several thousand over 12-18 months though you could be in a really nice position to buy something lovely in a year if he saves it.

Oh I feel for you- but in the long run it’s good you’re both doing your own thing x

I think his dm needs some serious professional help.

I will probably help dd and ds when they start looking for a place.

I might want them to protect their deposit (including my contribution) if they split from their dp but it wouldn’t cross my mind to even think of them dying and how I could get my money back.
I don’t know any parent who it would cross their minds.

That I think is just sick in the head, seriously fucked up.

I cannot see how you can play happy families now she has shown her true colours. She doesn’t see her Ds as a Ds but more as what money she can make out of him.

I feel so relieved on your behalf Op - you've definitely dodged a bullet, although I expect it doesn't feel that way right now with the disappointment of not getting the flat, but it's the truth & you'll see that in time.

And yes, if he's hit by that hypothetical bus and injured but not killed outright, she'll be the one making all the decisions as his next of kin

Not necessarily.

I am down as NOK with dps drs and surgeons and every time he has been in hospital. There was never any suggestion of them contacting his parents.

Have you got a mortgage broker OP? Just agreeing with others that it might still be possible to buy the flat. There is much more flexibility out there than I realised, and we've just completed on a purchase. Good result though already.

I hope that your DP has offered to take the hit for your half of any of the money you lose? He and his mum jerked you around and you lost out on your property because he couldn't provide his half of the deposit.

He’s not covered himself in glory here frankly, expecting you to put up with being inconvenienced and spending money and time to meet his mother’s requests. Even now she thinks you’re the one being unreasonable.

If it was me I’d be seriously thinking about sacking off him as well as the flat.

She must be seething now. Her chance of gaining power over you has disappeared.

Buy a property on your own.

Is your DP going to start saving now?

Yes there is no legal definition of next of kin in the UK. Your NOK can be your best friend or your uncle if you want.

Usually when you are admitted to hospital they will ask who your NOK is. If you can’t say because you are confused or unconscious then the teams looking after you will do their best to work it out. When doing that they may assume wrongly that it is your parent. It would be worth making sure your GP and hospital know your wishes but the risk is that the hospital assume wrong, not that you are not legally next of kin because there is no such thing. Really common misconception.

I'm relieved on your behalf but do wonder whether MIL pulled out of the arrangement or DP told her to stick it.

On the bright side, property prices are cooling off somewhat, so there's time to take a breather without being priced out of the market.