DP's mum wants him to leave her half our flat

[Kfcinbed]

My DP’s mother wants him to leave half of our new flat to her if he dies.

My DP and I are in the process of buying a flat- I had saved my half of the deposit and he borrowed some of his half from his mum, who said he could pay in back within the next five years with no problems/ terms etc. The amount he borrowed is not a big loan in terms of how much of the property it is worth - (2.5%).

We had decided together to buy the flat as joint tenants meaning that if something happens to one of us, the other inherits the flat with no problems.

We’re two weeks away from our estimated completion date and his mum has now said we have to change it to tenants in common, and that he must leave a will stipulating that if he dies, his half of the flat will go to her. If not, she wants her money back now.

She lives all the way across the world and would have no use for a flat in london.

Her reasoning is that she wants to protect her investment (though it is a loan, not an investment) and is not open to anything other than this option (we have suggested a contract stating I will pay her back).

I feel that this is grossly unfair considering it was not mentioned at the time of lending (months ago) and DP and I both feel that we would want each other to inherit if the worst was to happen.

Am I wrong to feel insulted and like this is unfair of her to ask?

I agree with everyone else that the Op should walk away from the flat purchase and she and her DP should wait a bit and stand on their own feet.

However I can see where the DM is coming from. In fact the figures could be even more stark if the property concerned is a London HTB. The Op would then be borrowing £10k from DP's DM plus £140k from the Govt interest free to leverage her £10k deposit to buy a £400k flat on a joint income of less than £70k. That is a lot of risk in a falling market. If her salary were £50k and she had £20k in the bank she wouln't need her DM or her DP. There could well be greed on both sides.

Yup this is definitely a win. A big win. For MiL. And a win, if not quite so big, for DP.

For the OP it's no win at all. But if that's how she's determined to see it, so be it.

Do you think the mortgage company will agree to that change when you have paid her back, OP? Because you won't be able to do anything at the Land Registry without their agreement as they will have a charge on the property. Would strongly advise you speak to them about this first.

I do hope this isn't true though.

Take out life insurance to cover the loan

Jesus, I would not be living in a house with half belonging to a man under the control of his mother like this- sorry but it’s mental. Next guilt trip: hello third tenant/ new tenant which you’ll have no influence in. If he was showing he can act adult like and independently you have some plan- but he isn’t is he?

My MIL is also a nightmare, BUT my DH does not bow to her over me and is perfectly capable of saying an adult ‘no’.

I am a bit confused.

Have you exchanged yet.

In your op you say you are 2 weeks away from your completion date. If that is the case have you already exchanged and completion was the usual 28days after or are you exchanging and completing on the same day or dates closer together.

That we need to know.

I am also confused that in your op you were against being TIC and him making a will in favour of his DM. Even suggesting that if you had known what she wanted before, you would have walked away.

But now your DP has argued with his mother and presented to you the same route forward and now you think everything is OK.

OK would look at your dps behaviour and your responses to it.

Each time you have protested something that his DM wants he has argued for you but then done exactly what his DM wants and you seem grateful.

I really do appreciate all the advice from everyone here. I guess being involved in it meant I was seeing it less clearly than all of you.

We are no longer going ahead with the purchase.

DP's mother called again this morning saying she's very uncomfortable with the suggestion of her getting only back what she has loaned him and that as only his girlfriend I should not receive half the property in the event of his death. She has also said that I am trying to make sure he has no relationship with his family and that's why I'm pushing for her not to receive half.

She is completely unhinged - I have no idea why she can't see logic but you are all right, it makes no sense to go ahead with her involvement in any way.

@Oliversmumsarmy you're right - it's just been presented in a slightly different way and I've thought it was a better solution but it never really was

In some ways she has done you a massive favour by doing this now. I think when you buy on your own and see how things unfold over time you will be pleased you didn't proceed.

Christ Almighty!

Please do get independent legal advice for yourself, yourself only, before doing anything else.

I don't think there's any way in hell you should be doing what she demands, especially not just temporarily and "we'll change it later". That has disaster and heartbreak written all over it. Why can't he leave her the 2.5% in his will without risking half the house going to her? Why can't she and him come to some other agreement that doesn't potentially result in effectively a widow being chucked out of her home and/or paying unreasonable rent on half of the property that she and DP bought together.

NO NO NO.

Protect yourself, personally, first and foremost.

If it were me, I'd have to pull out, give her back her precious money, deal with the fees, lick my wounds and start saving again to do it without her involvement.

For the love of all things, don't agree to get into a sticky situation, even temporarily. If DP were to be hit by a bus next month, THAT'S the sort of scenario that you also need protecting against.

PROTECT YOURSELF.

Well done OP how did DP take this news?

I think you need to continue renting or rent somewhere cheaper for a year and then reevaluate - see if DP can concentrate on saving for your joint future - it’s more valuable when you’ve aren’t ot yourself

Seems I've cross posted with you.

I'm so relieved you're not going ahead, I think that's absolutely the right thing to do.

I'm sorry she is being such an arse.

DP's mother sounds horrendous! 'Not comfortable she only receives back what she loaned and that you benefit from his death'. What a horrible manipulative old bat - I don't get why she's so hung up on his death!!!!

I think you've had a lucky escape....I think your DP needs to sort his finances out. If he's not interested then I would question his motivation. Go it alone....it's a great feeling owning your own property and truly knowing it's all yours

DP's mother called again this morning saying she's very uncomfortable with the suggestion of her getting only back what she has loaned him and that as only his girlfriend I should not receive half the property in the event of his death.

Ha. While conveniently 'forgetting' that in the event of your untimely death, he would have inherited half the property while he was only your boyfriend. But obviously that would be different in her mind, as he is the worthy person in your relationship as her son.

I'm glad you've decided not to go ahead with this. She does indeed sound unhinged. And your boyfriend needs to cut the strings.

DP is mortified that his mum is behaving like this. He understands it would be untenable to go ahead with the purchase and I think their relationship has taken some battering.

I'm unsure what the future holds for them but he does want to maintain some semblance of happy families.

Well she's screwed up his future financial security then. I'm not surprised their relationship will be affected.

@Kfcinbed I'm sorry op... you cant play happy families with a person that doesn't care about your happiness.

@Kfcinbed - I bet MIL would be happy if you died and your DP inherited your half of the property!!! Evil cow!

Why he is doing all the worrying about happy families when it's his mum who is putting that at stake.

Op it must be really crushing and dissapointment right now but in 6 months time you will be so relieved and happy.

We are no longer going ahead with the purchase

Thank god for that!!!

I won't ask what kind of mindset thinks it wrong for you to possibly inherit half of a property which you own, but frankly I'd think less of the future of his relationship with mummy and more of your own

Personally I'd agree absolutely nothing with him until he's shown just what he's capable of doing on his own initiative, without her input. Now that your eyes have been opened, I suspect the answer to this will guide you going forward

You and your DP have really dodged a bullet, OP. Well done for seeing this and pulling out. It’s sad for your DP that his mother has revealed herself to be so calculating. Just as well she’s on the either side of the world really.

I know this is going to sound harsh, but this is a good development. Better that it comes out now than when it's too late to do anything about it without significant financial penalties.

Look for somewhere that you can buy on your own. If you want to live together then draw up an agreement where he pays rent to you for his contribution. Once he has sufficient savings then there is nothing to stop you re-mortgaging and adding him on as a co-owner and joint tenants. This way the money will be his only and his mother will have nothing to do with it if the worst should happen.

In the meantime, he needs to have a serious think about the message that his mother is sending by behaving this way. Counselling would probably be a good idea.

"We are no longer going ahead with the purchase."

Thank God for that!

"DP's mother called again this morning saying she's very uncomfortable with the suggestion of her getting only back what she has loaned him and that as only his girlfriend I should not receive half the property in the event of his death. She has also said that I am trying to make sure he has no relationship with his family and that's why I'm pushing for her not to receive half."

She's actually done you a favour by showing her true colours before the house purchase.

My crazy MIL has made similar claims recently (that I'm preventing DH from seeing his family and friends - it's bullshit) so my advice does come from personal experience, sadly.

Please do read those books I (and others) recommended. Toxic In-laws and Toxic Parents.

I suspect this is her ploy to make sure that you as just a 'girlfriend' didn't inherit anything from your partner and that all if his assets go to his 'real' family.

Clearly this is NOT something that is going to go away. She will continue to try to pull these sort of stunts again. Legally though, she IS his next of kin. If he is too ill to make a decision SHE is the one that gets to decide, not you. I strongly suggest sorting the legalities out. Either marriage, or medical and financial Power of Attorney.

& I hope he points out instead of having an investment in a property thanks to her meddling he is going to be paying you rent - thus securing your financial future and not his own. She has effectively ensured that he has no return.

Just make sure you have an agreement drawn up that he has no claims on any property you own until such time as he matches your deposit.

Sorry this has happened to you but thank goodness you are out of it anc know not to trust her before it did some real damage