DP's mum wants him to leave her half our flat

[Kfcinbed]

My DP’s mother wants him to leave half of our new flat to her if he dies.

My DP and I are in the process of buying a flat- I had saved my half of the deposit and he borrowed some of his half from his mum, who said he could pay in back within the next five years with no problems/ terms etc. The amount he borrowed is not a big loan in terms of how much of the property it is worth - (2.5%).

We had decided together to buy the flat as joint tenants meaning that if something happens to one of us, the other inherits the flat with no problems.

We’re two weeks away from our estimated completion date and his mum has now said we have to change it to tenants in common, and that he must leave a will stipulating that if he dies, his half of the flat will go to her. If not, she wants her money back now.

She lives all the way across the world and would have no use for a flat in london.

Her reasoning is that she wants to protect her investment (though it is a loan, not an investment) and is not open to anything other than this option (we have suggested a contract stating I will pay her back).

I feel that this is grossly unfair considering it was not mentioned at the time of lending (months ago) and DP and I both feel that we would want each other to inherit if the worst was to happen.

Am I wrong to feel insulted and like this is unfair of her to ask?

peckhampauline It is very unreasonable to demand 50% collateral for a loan of 2.5%
Even Wonga would have blushed at nearly 2500% interest

It is unreasonable to have "changed her mind" 2 weeks before purchase date
and as I posted, I'm sure it ws always her plan to do this

However, if she was worried about her 2.5%, she could have demanded that this be written in as a debt in his will

@SleepOhHowIMissYou we both have mortgage insurance in place to begin when (if) the contracts and everything goes through, so that if anything were to happen the mortgage would be paid off.

I think the compromise of tenants in common is a bad idea. Like PP have said it leaves you vulnerable if DP decides to change his will in the future. I also think compromising in this situation is wrong because this isn't an negotiation. It's a power play.

Unless he's prepared to stand up to his mum and say, no, we're doing joint tenants and will use LA to protect her "gift", then I think you should pull out and buy on your own.

How you manage this round will set the tone for future demands from her. What if she demands to vist for six months, but to compromise you agree on two that you don't want to. Or what if she demands to have your future children every Christmas and your DP agrees because he doesn't want to upset her, so to compromise you agree on every other Christmas?

She's not a partner in your relationship. But you and your DP are giving her a say.

If you don't stand up for your interests now, then neither DP or MIL will, they will both ride roughshod over your needs.

I’d seek legal advice - if you’re not married then he can out whatever he likes ( or she wants ) in his will without your knowledge - likely but not absolute she will die first and this is all academic

So if her son dies, she wants the paid-up half of the property, while you would remain paying the mortgage for our half ?

She'd force a sale, so you can't stay in "her son's" house after his death.

I would be very wary that she could persuade him behind your back to change that will
Ask the solicitor if there is any additional document he can sign to ringfence that you inherit his 47.5%

OP I'm curious as to why your DP wants to have a relationship with this awful, manipulative, controlling woman, at th expense of his relationship with you.

Is she loaded and he thinks he'll do all right when she pops her clogs? Because that would mean accommodating all her batshit requests in the meantime under threat of being disinherited, and he could eventually find she's left everything to the cats and dogs home.

Or is it a case of enmeshment, where his judgment is clouded with fear, obligation and guilt? From what you say about his tolerating her unacceptable treatment of you, I think this may be the case.

Either way, you have a DP problem. How you move forward with him depends on why he's trying to appease this dreadful woman.

Is his mother aware of the life insurance though?

Would she buy the 50% ownership/50% mortgage Liability idea or is she more switched on than that ( which makes her suggestion more unreasonable)?

@BigChocFrenzy that is exactly why I don't feel that I could do tenants in common without a will stipulating that I get his half of the flat minus her contribution.

I don't believe DP would go behind my back to write another will without my consent but I understand this does happen to people.

Can I ask why you are buying together but not planning marriage? It would give you a lot more legal security.

It sounds like the OP is the higher earner in this relationship, so marrying would provide more security for her partner than her at this stage, and in the future if they don't want children.

@SleepOhHowIMissYou she is very switched on and aware of the legal proceedings of property buying/ selling - she has flipped houses for years and made a lot of money doing so

Is there a way to stipulate you must be notified if a will is changed?

The new plan sounds much better. Buy your own place. Then he can pay rent and save so you can move on tigether on more equal footing without MIL.

Marrying to protect against his mum is a bit drastic, if they don't otherwise feel marriage is suitable for them,
or just don't want it.

So long as neither of them is making career sacrifices for the other or for DC, marriage is not necessarily the best choice

Also, marriage would clearly support the OP's claim to stay on in the property,
but a will made after the marriage - as distinct from before -
might still be able to allocate his 47.5% to his mum and hence some unwanted control over the OP's life
Depends on the country.

Ask the solicitor about any way of ringfencing your right to the 47.5%, even if he later changes his will to leave other assets to his mum

@DontCallMeCharlotte DP will be speaking with his mother tomorrow morning to put forward these options:

1. Joint tenancy with a life insurance policy that will ensure she is returned her money

1. Tenants in common with a will that leaves his half of the property to me, but pays her back her loan

1. We return her money minus the fees she has cost us, and I buy alone with him paying rent to live in the property

He wanted to be included in the purchase, which is why he is borrowing from his mother. If she disagrees and the money is returned to her, she is punishing him, not me (other than the wasted time and disappointment).

I had initially planned to buy alone. As someone has said, I am the higher earner at the moment and marriage isn't right for us at this time.

His mother is being massively unreasonable with her demands

Good you’re showing you’re no walk ovwr. She won’t like it!!

For Christ's sake. His mother shouldn't get to decide. Why is he giving her all the power?! The two of you should decide which of those options you both want, then inform her.

Personally I think you should go for 3 and not marry him.

Do not under any circumstance agree to tenants in common if you're not married.
If he dies before his mother, she could contest the will.
As joint tenants you are guaranteed the property.
By all means arrange for her contribution to be paid back, but please don't agree to her being some kind of silent housemate waiting in the wings.
Surely she can't insist on anything if she's already handed over the money???

Ignore this unreasonable creature's demands and make all efforts to repay the money with an appropriate rate if interest.

Or

Write the will to repay 2.5% of the value of the flat.

x-posted. I type too slowly.
So you are the higher earner. YOU have the power.

Agree with everyone else. Take option 2 off the table completely. 1 or 3, that's it.

Agree with AskMeHow. 1 and 3 are good options. Not 2!!!

after reading all that the only way you will be protected is if you buy solo and he pays rent, you can draw up a will leaving it to him and even a private agreement after a few years ( wait till you see what other dramas his mother will bring) outlining what will happen in the event of a breakup, you may chose to privately give him a share of the home or not up to you and you are protected from her... she needs to see you are in charge of the house, that its yours and that you dont give a flying fuck what she thinks, she doesnt matter to you at all and you dont give her a moments thought when deciding what to do with your money

Options 1 and 3 only seem viable.

Yiu say you "don't believe DP would go behind my back to write another will without my consent" but theres no knowing what people can be manipulated into doing in the circumstances you describe. If you see this as a long term commitment then you should know people change. You only need to check the relationship board to see all the people betrayed by their partner of many years.

Looks like you will recoup costs under option 3 but even if you didnt id say it woukd be worth losing the money than getting yourself into this situation. The legal costs to deal with this if dp ever died woukd be significant anyway, or you'd lose your dp and your house.