DP's mum wants him to leave her half our flat

[Kfcinbed]

My DP’s mother wants him to leave half of our new flat to her if he dies.

My DP and I are in the process of buying a flat- I had saved my half of the deposit and he borrowed some of his half from his mum, who said he could pay in back within the next five years with no problems/ terms etc. The amount he borrowed is not a big loan in terms of how much of the property it is worth - (2.5%).

We had decided together to buy the flat as joint tenants meaning that if something happens to one of us, the other inherits the flat with no problems.

We’re two weeks away from our estimated completion date and his mum has now said we have to change it to tenants in common, and that he must leave a will stipulating that if he dies, his half of the flat will go to her. If not, she wants her money back now.

She lives all the way across the world and would have no use for a flat in london.

Her reasoning is that she wants to protect her investment (though it is a loan, not an investment) and is not open to anything other than this option (we have suggested a contract stating I will pay her back).

I feel that this is grossly unfair considering it was not mentioned at the time of lending (months ago) and DP and I both feel that we would want each other to inherit if the worst was to happen.

Am I wrong to feel insulted and like this is unfair of her to ask?

and his mother has always promised him a loan (disguised as a gift for mortgage purposes) for a house deposit when he needs one, so he hasn't saved on this premise

Savings aren’t just for mortgages. How was he expecting to pay back this loan from his mum? Why would he want to take her money? In all the time he has not been saving house prices have been rising. How did he know his mum would have enough? Why are they both prepared to act fraudulently?

It's not unusual for younger people not to save for a deposit when they have always been promised one from their parents. It might not be the most sensible approach but it's certainly not unusual.

I think you need to pull out! Give her back the money minus what it has cost you already. I think you both need to re-evaluate your relationship. Are you really happy for your partner to allow his mother to treat you this way and manipulate you both. Sorry, I think he needs to make a choice to be there for you or not. I am not saying he has to cut her out, but he does need to make a stance that her manipulative behaviour and mistreatment of you will not be tolerated.

Her money is tainted, he can make a choice to never own a property or by something himself with whatever rules she wants in place for it.

It feels like this was deliberately designed to hurt you, don't do it, yes there are ways around it but it's not worth it. Just walk away. It's fine for her to protect her investment but she shouldn't be potentially profiting from you in event of his death.

That sounds like a plan OP.

I would do the make a will to show her and then make a new Will thing.

But I'd also at the first available opportunity change the ownership thing back to joint tenants.

Also, she's said it would be the end of their relationship if he took the money and didn't do as he was told! If my mother pulled a stunt like this on me I'd consider it the end of our relationship from my side of things and wouldn't lose any sleep over it!

Take the moral high ground and suck up the fees. They are not his mums responsibility to pay, the loan should be repaid in full.

If you can do it on your own I'd do that anyway instead of being indebted to a woman you do not like. If he does come to an agreement with his mum do not commit mortgage fraud (not declaring a loan). This is a safety check to ensure you can afford the home you plan to buy, it is there for your protection as much as the banks.

So OP were you contributing the bulk of the deposit? And yet he gets 50%?

It's good you've said no, but what if he changes his will without telling you?

This is totally about MIL thinking she will still be able to fuck you over in the event of her son's death. She doesn't want you to inherit anything from him.

I also agree with the pps who have said it is likely in her mind she will think she owns 50% of the property and will want to stay and dictate to you whenever she wants.

I wouldn't entertain messing about with wills and changing them for a second. Firstly because it is a lack of integrity, and will make MIL think that you will bend to her unreasonable demands forevermore.

I think you should really contemplate on pulling out of the purchase. Your DP does not have your back, and isn't able to stand up to his control freak mummy.

Can I ask why you are buying together but not planning marriage? It would give you a lot more legal security.

This woman will probably always be a thorn In your side

I think thats a good solution. Otherwise in effect you would be agreeing to lose your home if he died.

I disagree, Broken. OP should not be liable for the fees. Her DP can pay them as it's his mum who reneged.

She sees her son as an extension of herself
He is part of her and therefore anything that belongs to him belongs (by default) to her

Sorry, I missed your update.

Am I right in thinking the money has already been loaned gifted? She has already paid it?

In that case there is nothing for her to go for or agree to. She holds absolutely no leverage.

Why on earth are you agreeing to tenants in common?

Good call! I can’t wait to hear how this goes down! She is NOT going to be happy with this lack of power! (She sounds like my mother, btw.... England may not be far enough away from her. May I suggest the International Space Station as a great please to start looking for real estate? Her next installment of batshit will escalate.)

Why would he not save just because he was promised a loan? He still has to pay it back? That makes no sense.

@kfcinbed I have not RTFT so apologies if this has already been suggested and discarded, but in very similar circumstances (albeit without the personal negativity!) my parents insisted on a ‘declaration of trust’ when I bought a property with their assistance, with my (now ex) DP. It essentially outlined their financial contribution and protected it (plus any associated gain in profit) should the property go up for sale. Perhaps doesn’t quite cover all the bases for your circs (although it seems unlikely he’d die before she did, unless I’ve missed something!) but absolutely does protect her ‘investment’.

We weren’t married at the time, hence my parents felt it important.

I still wouldn't agree to tenants in common as he could make a new will at any time.

Good plan OP

OP why not the very simple extra life policy route?

I will compromise and agree to tenants in common as long as his will leaves the flat to me

There is no guarantee that he won't make a subsequent will, leaving all of his share to MIL. There will be nothing you will be able to do about this. I own as tenants in common and it's the right decision for us, but we don't have any MILs trying to call the shots.

I have a toxic M. I can completely understand the DP's POV; MIL is so horrible, and he is probably fully in the FOG, and is trying to do whatever he can to get her to like him. Or at least to try to stop her being cruel to him. He probably doesn't even realise (it took me many years to realise that it wasn't me).

DO NOT BUY USING MIL'S MONEY. It doesn't matter if you loose the flat, or need a top up loan of any form to bridge the gap. This is preferable to entangling yourself for years, if not decades, with a loan shark.

A PP asked a very good question on what would happen when you wanted to sell the flat. What % would MIL demand then? Any money invested in the flat by you and DP would end up being MIL's profit. You'll spend thousands, if not tens of thousands, and will be no better off.

I disagree about not taking the fees out of the money she gave. Honestly it's her unreasonable behaviour that caused this to fail and I think she expects them to be so committed that they had to proceed her her request, so no I don't think they are liable for the fees. Obviously if you want a completely clean slate then I would pay them and be done with her and her money, but personally I would take the fees out because it was her decision to do that and act that way.

If you can afford to buy on your own I would pull out and do so. You do not want to be financially tied to someone who is not on the same page as you.

@kfcinbed Just to add, a declaration of trust will make it explicitly clear what % her contribution accounts for in the total purchase. She will therefore only ever be entitled to that % back, plus any associated increase in equity. It doesn’t give her any rights to demand the money back, or to have any say over what happens to the property as she would NOT be a registered owner. You and your DP would continue to be the title holders

Will your husband also be leaving 50% of his mortgage liability to his mother?

In the event of his death, what arrangements are in place to pay his half of the mortgage? Perhaps this is the way to make her think again.

"Thanks for your kind offer. I really would struggle to pay the mortgage on my own without DP. Are you sure you can afford to pay for me to live in my house alone?"

Don't mention any life insurance. If she mentions life insurance, think of an excuse of why you're not eligible for a policy.

If you buy as sole owner and he pays you rent, make sure an agreement is drawn up so she can't claim any equity in the house if he does die before her.