DP's mum wants him to leave her half our flat

[Kfcinbed]

My DP’s mother wants him to leave half of our new flat to her if he dies.

My DP and I are in the process of buying a flat- I had saved my half of the deposit and he borrowed some of his half from his mum, who said he could pay in back within the next five years with no problems/ terms etc. The amount he borrowed is not a big loan in terms of how much of the property it is worth - (2.5%).

We had decided together to buy the flat as joint tenants meaning that if something happens to one of us, the other inherits the flat with no problems.

We’re two weeks away from our estimated completion date and his mum has now said we have to change it to tenants in common, and that he must leave a will stipulating that if he dies, his half of the flat will go to her. If not, she wants her money back now.

She lives all the way across the world and would have no use for a flat in london.

Her reasoning is that she wants to protect her investment (though it is a loan, not an investment) and is not open to anything other than this option (we have suggested a contract stating I will pay her back).

I feel that this is grossly unfair considering it was not mentioned at the time of lending (months ago) and DP and I both feel that we would want each other to inherit if the worst was to happen.

Am I wrong to feel insulted and like this is unfair of her to ask?

If she’s very switched on and up on this stuff that makes it so much worse!

I loved the chain of yeses scenario upthread.

I think I’d want to have a go at trying to be reasonable, even although it might be she never would see reason.

I’d want him to say:

Mum - it’s so very kind of you to offer us money to help us with a house purchase and we are very grateful. Of course we understand that you want to protect what you’ve put in and are happy to talk through ways of doing that.

Unfortunately what you’re asking puts us in a very difficult position and if we’d known this was what you would insist on we wouldn’t have agreed to it a few months ago.

I’m worried that we’re putting ourselves in a precarious legal position as we’ve signed documents as part of the purchase saying it’s a gift. Of course we intend to pay you back as a gentleman’s agreement but putting anything in writing about it being a loan or writing it into the will would be fraudulent and we’re not happy to risk that.

I truly hope that this is theoretical and and I’m not about to die before we have paid you back but none of us knows the future. KFC has put in more money than me into the property and will continue to do so. If I were to die and you owned half of the property I wouldn’t want her to be in a position where she has a complicated legal fallout to deal with and may potentially need to sell the house to pay you back in the midst of grieving. She would effectively be homeless and you have your home in x country. I know you don’t have the best relationship but she is my partner and best friend. If the tables were reversed and she were to die I wouldn’t want to be in the position where her family owned half the property and I was potentially homeless and unable to buy them out in the middle of my grief. I really do think we need to be fair.

Also in simple terms it doesn’t make sense for a 2.5% contribution to equate to a 50% share. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful and obviously it is a large amount of money and very generous, I just want to get this right and be fair to everyone.

We are more than happy to leave the value of the loan outstanding to you in my will without justification as to why. Or we could set up a life insurance policy to the value of your money. Which would you prefer?

I think failing that we will need to return your money and pull out of the sale. It’s frustrating to lose fees at this late stage but I think that would be infinitely better than the potential for a legal headache in the future.

If you can afford option 3 that looks like the "no brainer" to me. Not sure why you are giving financial and housing security to your lower earning BF if he is not prepared to cut the apron strings with his DM and by not doing so putting your future security at risk? I cannot see what you gain from giving your BF an equity stake and what you stand to lose is obvious.

I'm afraid I'd go for the buying-it-alone option. If you split up in the future the property would have to be sold and split anyway, so if you're putting up the deposit and can repay the mortgage yourself it makes more sense to protect yourself. Every other scenario leaves you at her mercy in one way or another - demanding to come and stay on the grounds she helped in the purchase etc.. CFs have an endless supply of shitty ideas that it's impossible to foresee, because most normal people's brains don't work like that. She'll be actively working on a way to fuck you over.

If you split up in the future the property would have to be sold and split anyway

I meant 'if it's a joint purchase'.

Diana's message for the mother is perfect.

However, I agree with howabout tbh

"If you can afford option 3 that looks like the "no brainer" to me. Not sure why you are giving financial and housing security to your lower earning BF if he is not prepared to cut the apron strings with his DM and by not doing so putting your future security at risk? I cannot see what you gain from giving your BF an equity stake and what you stand to lose is obvious."

Yep yep yep

Apart from good advice you've already received, even if all goes according to plan and his mother gets paid back fully, you can expect that in the future she'll view herself as having some kind of stake in your flat. It will have been bought only as a result of her "good graces".

For this reason I'd not proceed while buying a flat involves her making any financial contribution and feeling that she then has control over where you live and ultimately over your relationship.

Just seen your update. I’m glad you’ve moved on from the fake wills situation and that DP has seen how unfair this is to you.

If you are going to purchase alone then think carefully about how you want to do things. Do you want to be in a situation where he has paid rent/for home improvements and things turn sour and he is able to claim a stake in the property.

If he is paying rent will you have a formal agreement? In which case will you need to pay tax?

If he is not paying rent but making contributions and they are spent on home improvements might he have a stake in the property?

Do you actually want to buy and have your deposit ring fenced in the event of sale and both contribute to the mortgage and have possibly unequal shares in the equity?

One possibility might be to make it tenants in common and make the will as she says, show her the documents then make a new will the next day leaving his share of the property entirely to you. The only way she would ever see the second will is if your dp died.

You'd be crazy to agree to this. Joint tenants or nothing. Why is your dp ok with you being potentially hugely screwed over? You have a dp problem!

Or perhaps agree to the will and do your own saying your half goes to your family if you die. See how your dp and mil react to that...

Please take Option 2 off the table. Why on earth would you put up most of the money, yet put yourself at higher risk? She will might continue to influence him after the deal has done, getting him to change things in her favour. You and he might fall out/split and he turns nasty. Don't leave yourself open to risk. He's proved that his first instinct is to side with her to keep the peace. It's up to you to protect yourself - you cannot necessarily rely on him to do the right thing.

So did your partner not declare the money as a gift on the legal forms then, OP? Or has your MIL already signed away her rights to the property? What did you put on the form, not sure why you are giving her options here.

Like others have said, option 2 is not a good idea for you OP.

@DianaBlythe thank you and @AnotherEmma you're right this is actually perfect! Will share with DP.

So OP were you contributing the bulk of the deposit? And yet he gets 50%?

Based on this the flat should not be 50/50 - you should be splitting the flat representing your unequal contributions. If you are still together years down the line then you can change this but initially your larger contribution should be reflected.

You say his mother understands property - sounds like it does, through her son she is potentially getting a chunk of your contribution to the flat.

Having read your latest updates I'd go for option (3). If you last the course you can change this in the future but for now I'd stick to you buying and him paying rent.

This is madness. Why on earth are you giving her these options? By giving your MIL these 3 options you are just giving her the power to decide.

I think you are compromising too much and it is your DP who should be compromising as you don’t need him financially.

To protect your own interests you’d be better off buying alone, or you buy together but you have a greater than 50% share.

Can you pay the whole deposit yourself? Your financial situations are currently unequal so there’s no need for it to be “fair” by him having 50%. Maybe 60/40. Then no need for MIL at all and you still buy jointly.

Actually I'd go for situation 3 anyway. A quick read of the Relationships board on here shows us that women are far better off if they take care of themselves financially. You don't feel you want to marry your partner at this point and I think you're tapping into something you might not be willing to look at too closely.

I think you should buy a place yourself and charge him rent, but make him sign a waiver that he won't make a claim on it, otherwise later, if it all goes tits up, he could say he was contributing towards the mortgage. And his mum, with her experience of house-buying and her dislike of you, will surely recommend he does make that claim.

Could you get married after buying the flat, maybe the day after? That would void the previous will!

We gifted son money when he and partner bought a house. The mortgage folk insisted we sign a document waiving all rights in the future.

He wanted to be included in the purchase, which is why he is borrowing from his mother

He can 'want' all he likes. In fact, it's starting to sound like he wants it all his own way. He can't want to be part of the purchase and then insist on doing so only by borrowing from his mother and then by giving in to her demands. You are part of this, actually financially you're the bigger part. He doesn't get to dictate terms and force you into a position where you might end up very badly off indeed.

I know business decisions aren't easy in the context of a romantic relationship, but if you can do so buy alone, and draw up a tenancy agreement making it clear that he is a tenant only and has no beneficial interest in the property. He pays you rent, and any improvements etc are paid for by you, even if some of the money is the rent money he pays to you.

Option 2 is a no go. Protect yourself, remember he may later inherit from her.

Yikes, what a toxic nutcase. Don’t pull out of the sale. As others have suggested, change it (and take out life insurance) and once the loan is paid off change it back. What a greedy, unpleasant woman.

So is your DP going to pay back the loan to MIL singlehandedly, or will it be both of you sacrificing things and paying it back? In which case he isn't even bringing 2.5% to the table, it's more like 1.25%.

I think option 3 sounds like the one with least risk if you could afford it.

Please, take option 2 off the table!

There's a reason people joint tenants rather than tenants in common, if they are in a partnership. It means it automatically passes over and no inheritance tax to pay. I don't think you can go backwards easily to joint tennants.