Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP's mum wants him to leave her half our flat

975 replies

Kfcinbed · 05/01/2019 02:41

My DP’s mother wants him to leave half of our new flat to her if he dies.

My DP and I are in the process of buying a flat- I had saved my half of the deposit and he borrowed some of his half from his mum, who said he could pay in back within the next five years with no problems/ terms etc. The amount he borrowed is not a big loan in terms of how much of the property it is worth - (2.5%).

We had decided together to buy the flat as joint tenants meaning that if something happens to one of us, the other inherits the flat with no problems.

We’re two weeks away from our estimated completion date and his mum has now said we have to change it to tenants in common, and that he must leave a will stipulating that if he dies, his half of the flat will go to her. If not, she wants her money back now.

She lives all the way across the world and would have no use for a flat in london.

Her reasoning is that she wants to protect her investment (though it is a loan, not an investment) and is not open to anything other than this option (we have suggested a contract stating I will pay her back).

I feel that this is grossly unfair considering it was not mentioned at the time of lending (months ago) and DP and I both feel that we would want each other to inherit if the worst was to happen.

Am I wrong to feel insulted and like this is unfair of her to ask?

OP posts:
GahWhatever · 05/01/2019 11:49

This is about protecting the OP.

MIL wants to ensure she gets the money back and does not like or care about the OP.
If her son dies she wants to be sure that the money is repaid.

OP (and hopefully her DP) don't want OP evicted so a way of repaying the money without selling the flat needs to be found: a stand-alone life insurance policy for the term you plan to pay off the money, with MIL as sole beneficiary is the easiest way to do this. Do not confuse this with the life insurance you will have taken out to protect the mortgage.

If she isn't satisfied with this then your DP has a decision to make: either he stands up to her or he doesn't, but if he doesn't OP you need to bite the bullet and pull out of the sale Sad

GoldenSyrupLion · 05/01/2019 11:51

Pull out of the purchase and watch carefully how things go with her over the next 12 months. You need to know how far DP will go to appease her BEFORE you get any more embroiled with him. I bet if you go ahead with this, she'll soon announce she's coming to stay for 6 months in HER half of the apartment. (Why half anyway?)

TranmereRover · 05/01/2019 11:56

I don’t think anyone has mentioned the inheritance tax benefit of JT - there is no tax payable on the transfer to you of the whole as effectively you already own the whole jointly, whereas there will be on TIC

ReflectentMonatomism · 05/01/2019 11:56

He can make a will, show it to her, and then immediately revoke it and replace it with another will with different terms.

But that’s besides the point. He’s putting his mother ahead of you, and your security. If he were to die without your marrying first, it would be an absolute shit storm (even the move with the will I mentioned could be challenged). Either he tells her “no”, or he returns the money, or you let the house fall through and figure out if the relationship has legs.

Over on Reddit’s JustNoMIL they have a statement about it being much easier to dump a mother’s boy, or divorce a mother’s boy, than fix a mother’s boy. This. He’s putting his mother ahead of you. Run away.

stayathomegardener · 05/01/2019 11:56

Laterally thinking is it worth putting to the sellers that you are looking for a 2.5% reduction?

Completely unsure of your figures but if I was at the point of sale with a high value property in the current market I would provide you with the cash deposit and look at it as a reasonable reduction in overall sale price.

Thewifipasswordis · 05/01/2019 11:58

Absolutely not. Do not do this. Get a loan off someone else of from somewhere else. It is a loan not an investment. Tell her to fuck off.

Yulebealrite · 05/01/2019 11:58

She can't have that much say in your marriage. Call her bluff and then pull out or at the very least leave your half to your own mother.

ChasedByBees · 05/01/2019 11:59

Honestly I would pull out and ask your DP to return this ‘gift’, minus all the costs the purchase has cost you in surveys etc so far as it’s her behaviour which has made them wasted costs.

Disfordarkchocolate · 05/01/2019 11:59

When we bought our first house I payed the deposit and the solicitor put in place an agreement that this % of the selling price would be paid to me before any other split of the proceeds of a subsequent sale. It's very common and easy to do. I think something like this is ideal for your situation.

Oliversmumsarmy · 05/01/2019 12:00

Forcing someone to change their will in their favour with threats is a form of extortion.

I would carry on as you were.

In the grand scheme of things what could she do.

The money was a gift so she couldn’t legally enforce anything and any threats of cutting your dp off are empty threats because if she did cut dp off then that would mean conceding you had won.

2 things I would be wary of is

  1. Your dp is still pandering to his mother and putting her feelings above you. This only confirms the car incident that he still puts her feelings over yours.
Who knows what she could come up with behind your back in the future and they could really stitch you up like a kipper. Atm I would be questioning your dps commitment to you. Words are cheap and ultimately meaningless if his actions are not backing them up.
  1. 2.5% is hardly anything. I am concerned not just that you are short by what could be an amount of under £10,000 which could derail the house purchase but that it appears you have your savings but your dp has £0. He is still reliant on his dm to come up with his share and with that comes a whole host of problems and hoops you have to jump through.

I would use this as an opportunity to make him choose whose side he is on.

His mother has come out as against you and as far as his actions are concerned he is siding with his mother.

Either he agrees to going ahead with the purchase and telling his mother that she will be receiving her gift back as per your original agreement or
You give the money back now and walk away from the house purchase until he has saved enough deposit.

Unless you put your foot down now you are in for a lifetime of shit like this.

Personally I would really be looking at my options.

Do you need this shit in your life.

JorahsMistress · 05/01/2019 12:02

Do not go along with her demands, if the worst happens and dp dies before her then, given her previous behaviour towards you I wouldn't trust her an inch not to try and turf you out of your home, probably while your grief is still new and raw in the hope that you will be less likely to fight back!

Also, even if that scenario doesn't happen because she dies first, you can bet that in her eyes the house will still be hers and she will do her best to interfere at every chance she gets, wether it be how you decorate the home or any overnight house guests you have if she doesn't approve of them

such as if a good friend/relative needed a place to stay for a few weeks, such as if there was a burst pipe and they were flooded and needed to vacate while repairs were carried out, she may try and demand that they don't stay and even if you ignore that demand she will probably be ringing all the time to pester you about when they are leaving

Basically you won't get a moments peace from her & she will try and control anything you want to do to or with the house

My advice is, don't accept her money & try find the money from elsewhere, or if you cant pull out or if you already have her money in the bank, then, as she has already signed the paper work to stipulate its a gift then proceed as planned but without her demands, legally this would be possible, tho i agree that it would cause a row, however in this situation i don't think it will be possible avoid a row without giving into her and making yourselves beholden to her for years to come

Good luck Thanks

wowfudge · 05/01/2019 12:08

I echo those pps who have said don't go ahead with a purchase that requires the MIL's money. It's not worth her interference. Stick to the original plan of owning as joint tenants but find somewhere cheaper or wait for prices to drop.

Was it established how much she is lending the DP? I know it is 2.5%. Might be worth trying to renegotiate the purchase price on the basis you can't get the mortgage you thought you could.

HermioneWeasley · 05/01/2019 12:13

KFC I have some experience of this. Your DP has to back you 100% in front of his family/mother or this doesn’t work.

If you can’t afford to buy without this, then believe me the price is too high. Housing prices aren’t going up, sit tight and save until you can buy without any strings and you see if he can stand up to his mother.

ShalomJackie · 05/01/2019 12:13

You say your DP is too moral to not dupe his mother but he is happy to commit mortgage fraud by declaring the money from his mum as a gift whereas it is in fact a loan.

Seriously offer her the money back a d save for longer!

notapizzaeater · 05/01/2019 12:14

Shes a control freak, I'd give her the money back as she will always hold it over you

Juells · 05/01/2019 12:15

@GU24Mum

It's really easy to sever a joint tenancy (and turn it into a tenancy in common) so if you think your OH can be leant on later by his mother, he could still sever it down the line.

Is it possible to do that without the other 'joint' tenant being aware? Surely that would be so open to abuse that it can't be legal? If it's possible though, he might subsequently forge the OP's signature - I don't think anything is off the table if the mother is behind him pushing.

PeckhamPauline · 05/01/2019 12:15

I don't think your partner's mother is being unreasonable. It's called collateral. And if her son dies, her "half" of the flat will basically amount to the remainder of your unpaid mortgage. Presumably once the loan is paid back her son can bequest his portion of the flat to whomever he likes.

Original poster
Kfcinbed · 05/01/2019 12:16

Lots of you have asked why DP has so few savings- I'm a few years older than he is, and his mother has always promised him a loan (disguised as a gift for mortgage purposes) for a house deposit when he needs one, so he hasn't saved on this premise, not expecting that she would be quite so unreasonable.

I have told DP that I'm not going to make a fake will or go ahead as she requested- I will compromise and agree to tenants in common as long as his will leaves the flat to me and only the amount she lent him to her.

He is unconvinced she will go for it- if she doesn't agree he will give back the money minus the fees we will owe and we will start looking again, with me as the sole purchaser and him paying me rent to live there.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/01/2019 12:19

It is worth seeing if you can negotiate on the price of the flat, no-one in the chain wants to lose the sale this late in the day!

NoCureForLove · 05/01/2019 12:19

How ridiculous and unfair.
I would buy it as tenants in common with a will as she demands. Pay her back asap - evem if means borrowing elsewhere - rewrite will and by deed change ownershio to joint tenants. Then tell her.

Dollymixture22 · 05/01/2019 12:20

It’s quite unusual for a parent to want to benefit from their child’s will - surely she assumes he will outlive her?

It’s a relatively small loan. She could protect herself brought a loan agreement. But I assume she trusts her son to pay her back.

This is about not respecting his relationship with you - and therefore not wanting you to inherit from him. What does she think will happen if she does go first - to whom does the mother want half the flat to go to,? Presumably not you!

FamilyOfAliens · 05/01/2019 12:21

his mother has always promised him a loan (disguised as a gift for mortgage purposes

Are you seriously happy to commit fraud in order to buy a house? Have you thought through what you’ll do if you’re found out?

GU24Mum · 05/01/2019 12:21

Juells - one of the joint owners can sever a joint tenancy without the agreement of the other. The other owner can't stop the severance but (unless there's real fraud going on), will be notified.

TheBigBangRocks · 05/01/2019 12:23

So he could have saved but didn't as knew he mum would provide despite him being an adult. Now there's resentment that his mum dates to try and protect that money? Of course she will want too, most would.

Given you call him DP rather than DH presumably you aren't married. Many unmarried people leave their share of assets to family rather than their gf or bf, it's not uncommon. They want the money to stay within family.

Pull out if you don't like the terms but duping her is rotten given he could have done this himself but decided he had better things to spend money on.

mirialis · 05/01/2019 12:25

if she doesn't agree he will give back the money minus the fees we will owe and we will start looking again, with me as the sole purchaser and him paying me rent to live there

Ok, sounds like he got on board with you very quickly, which is good.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread