DP's mum wants him to leave her half our flat

[Kfcinbed]

My DP’s mother wants him to leave half of our new flat to her if he dies.

My DP and I are in the process of buying a flat- I had saved my half of the deposit and he borrowed some of his half from his mum, who said he could pay in back within the next five years with no problems/ terms etc. The amount he borrowed is not a big loan in terms of how much of the property it is worth - (2.5%).

We had decided together to buy the flat as joint tenants meaning that if something happens to one of us, the other inherits the flat with no problems.

We’re two weeks away from our estimated completion date and his mum has now said we have to change it to tenants in common, and that he must leave a will stipulating that if he dies, his half of the flat will go to her. If not, she wants her money back now.

She lives all the way across the world and would have no use for a flat in london.

Her reasoning is that she wants to protect her investment (though it is a loan, not an investment) and is not open to anything other than this option (we have suggested a contract stating I will pay her back).

I feel that this is grossly unfair considering it was not mentioned at the time of lending (months ago) and DP and I both feel that we would want each other to inherit if the worst was to happen.

Am I wrong to feel insulted and like this is unfair of her to ask?

no & no because of inflation she might make a massive profit from that 50% & its not something you could take back & things can happen & what if you had children does he want you to be impoverished & have to sell the property topay her back - if she already given the money & its in your account - dh could say that she could take it from his inheritance on her death that's as cold blooded as her carefully thought out SELF INTERESTED suggestion of making a profit rather than helping you both

The mother-in-law sounds childlike, she wants to bind her son to her so that he will parent her in her old age

It may be very difficult for him to go against this expectation given that she is very manipulative and I'll stop at nothing to control him, the general expectation may also be part of his cultural background?

Your MIL keeps changing the goal posts so you’d be reasonable to assume such behaviour will continue.

You must really put yourself first and think about the implications for you in all these different scenarios. If you were advising a friend in this situation, what would you say to them?

Your MIL just keeps upping the ante. She will never be satisfied.

Don’t muck about with wills. All these posters saying oh yes just create a deceptive will and then change it. Nonsense, you’re creating potential probate problems. Your DP could die at any point in that process. When you’ve just moved in, is changing wills going to be top of your list? Probably not. It’s the kind of thing that could easily be pushed back and before you know it it’s never been changed. Why spend money on it either?

The easy and most straightforward way for your MIL to get her money back on her son's death is a life insurance policy with her as beneficiary. Have you offered her this solution? It is a low cost solution for your DP. You could give her a copy of the policy and no deception involved or legal gymnastics with wills.

The best solution would be to remove her from the whole thing by either seeking a reduction in the price you are paying for the flat or seeking extra finance elsewhere.

This is a huge red flag for your relationship.

You've provided your half of the deposit, this is all your DP's problem. As so many other people are suggesting, I'd pull out of this purchase and wait until your DP has saved as much as you have. You're the loser here - you've put up half the deposit, you'll be paying half the mortgage, but if anything were to happen to your DP you'd be out on your ear with lots of legal wrangling to deal with as well.

If your DP can't see this from your POV you should continue renting, or buy on your own. Though even then, if your DP lived with you she'd try to claim he had some kind of squatters' rights or something to give her a claim in the event of his death. This is a toxic situation. :(

Xenia If the DP dies, the OP would probably have to deal with his mum forcing her out.

She certainly couldn't expect to remain in the property after his death, unless she actually inherits his half, as she presumably can't afford to pay a fair rent plus mortgage.

It might be different if it were an investment property, but this is the property that would be the OP's only home

So write the will, show her and then change it. She will never know.

I've read maybe half the thread so I'm not sure if this has already been asked - but do you think that his mother is asking for tenant in common to ensure that she would be able to stay in the flat when she visits the UK (as she would consider it to be partly hers) - or even live there at some point in the future?

I also think that your DP should be considering you above his mother - good luck sorting it out!

When we first bought it was as TiC because I had built up far more equity in my first home than then DP had in his. No way was I going to risk my security.

TBH I wouldn't buy anything at the moment anyway, until the dust from Brexit has settled. House prices could tumble, you don't want to find yourself in negative equity.

^ runs ^

Another vote for a life insurance policy with her as the beneficiary. Anything else is disproportionate. I would be very tempted to pull out of the purchase altogether; her behaviour will escalate. Thin end of a very large wedge...

Give her the money back with thanks and pay your own way.
She shouldn't have loaned it in the first place if she had conditions attached.

He was supportive as far as saying stuff went.

As soon as it came down to the nitty gritty he did what his mum wanted and joined in treating you poorly.

This will not change if you put up with it.

I totally agree that a "pretend will" and writing a new one immediately afterwards is a BAD idea.

Apart from the expense of 2 wills, his mum would certainly challenge it in the event of his death, which would at best cause dreadful stress and epense at a vulnerable time

Offering her an insurance policy for the amount she lent will show whether she just doesn't trust you to repay her if her son dies,
OR whether she has planned this all along, maybe because she used to be his beneficiary before you cme along.

But then she won’t get her money back unless the DP dies?

But she won't get 50% of the house unless her son dies in her preferred scenario, so it's the same thing.

@Xenia Neither of you is likely to die now

Really? None of us knows when the unthinkable might happen, hence the need to take steps to protect our interests ASAP.

I was widowed at the age of 46. My previously healthy, fit, active husband developed cancer of the fear and was dead within weeks at the age of 52.

I fully understand your father's reasons for splitting his tenancy, but every individual's circumstances are unique, hence the need for independent legal and financial advice according to need.

If she has a proper loan agreement drawn up then this would guarantee she gets her money back on her son's death. Debts have to be taken out of an estate before any beneficiaries receive their share. The life insurance policy is a good idea if the OP wants to avoid having to cover the cost of the debt and to reassure the MIL, but it's not strictly necessary. Changing the will and the ownership of the house is an utterly bonkers solution to whatever problem she perceives, and massively unfair to OP.

Don't agree to this. He could be run over next month and not only would you lose your partner you could lose your home. I would pull out of the purchase and buy somewhere cheaper.

Rosie my dad got cancer much younger than that
Mum and I went from a comfortable life to losing the house, becoming poor and sofa-surfing.
They were too young to think they needed life insurance
and mum was so shattered by his death that she was totally ripped off by unscrupulous people.

The points about a life insurance policy are valid on the surface - yes she only gets her money if he dies, but that's true of a will too. But this isn't about her wanting to make sure she gets her money back. That's just a front for wanting to control her son, and even more so, screwing over the OP.

This is time to get out. And I'd be rethinking the entire relationship between me and DP, if I were the OP. MiL is openly unhappy that her son isn't going to move back home, and blames the OP for that. Buying a flat together is to her the absolute proof that he's not going back home but has settled in the UK. She's only going to up the ante more and more until she gets what she wants - which is to split up the OP and her DP so that he goes running back to Mummy. And based on his behaviour so far, he's not going to stand up to her and tell that's not happening. So she'll keep making things horrendous until she gets her way. This is about much more than the money - that's just the outward vehicle for her manipulation.

@Kfcinbed sorry have not read the full thread, I just wanted to check if someone has called attention to the fact that you cannot reverse a TIC to make it a JT- so if you do register as tenants in common, that’s the way you will always be.

I would not bend to her with a fake will- I would go ahead with the purchase, pay her money back as agreed and carry on. She is being unreasonable if you don’t take a stand now she will continue to be reasonable. It sounds like your DH did not fully support you when she was unreasonable towards you before- he needs to support you now. You are buying property together. This is his time to prove that you are his priority. Sign as tenants in common and pay her money back as agreed- let her respond however she likes.

Do not let the aggressive behaviour of a woman who has proven herself unreasonable change an important legal decision you are about to make.

The hatred towards me initially was not based on anything- she admitted afterwards that she had nothing against me personally and that I was lovely, but she was upset that her son was staying in the UK and she felt I was responsible

Ever wonder if his mother is actually a big part of the reason he didn’t want to go back?!

Sign as joint tenants I mean! Gah

If you do make a will and then change it, if you do change from TIC to JT and your partner dies, MIL will very probably contest the new will, thereby involving you in more expense and heartache at an already emotional time. Legal costs could eat away at any inheritance from your partner anyway. See what she and your partner say about the life insurance policy idea. If they show any reluctance then walk away, from both of them.

That’s a REALLY important point, MountPheasant - I was actually wondering about that but didn’t know one way or the other.

Just to add another note of caution in terms of making sure you know where your OH is on this....

1. It's really easy to sever a joint tenancy (and turn it into a tenancy in common) so if you think your OH can be leant on later by his mother, he could still sever it down the line.

1. If your OH doesn't have a will, then if he severs the joint tenancy, his share will go according to the intestacy rules (ie not to you).

1. Your OH can just as easily change his will to favour his mother down the line as he can the other way round - so make sure you're happy buying with somone who it sounds does not necessarily have your back.