DP's mum wants him to leave her half our flat

[Kfcinbed]

My DP’s mother wants him to leave half of our new flat to her if he dies.

My DP and I are in the process of buying a flat- I had saved my half of the deposit and he borrowed some of his half from his mum, who said he could pay in back within the next five years with no problems/ terms etc. The amount he borrowed is not a big loan in terms of how much of the property it is worth - (2.5%).

We had decided together to buy the flat as joint tenants meaning that if something happens to one of us, the other inherits the flat with no problems.

We’re two weeks away from our estimated completion date and his mum has now said we have to change it to tenants in common, and that he must leave a will stipulating that if he dies, his half of the flat will go to her. If not, she wants her money back now.

She lives all the way across the world and would have no use for a flat in london.

Her reasoning is that she wants to protect her investment (though it is a loan, not an investment) and is not open to anything other than this option (we have suggested a contract stating I will pay her back).

I feel that this is grossly unfair considering it was not mentioned at the time of lending (months ago) and DP and I both feel that we would want each other to inherit if the worst was to happen.

Am I wrong to feel insulted and like this is unfair of her to ask?

the mother sound batshit and abusive but thankfully also dumb as a rock so it shouldn't be hard to outmaneuver her

Op I concur with Elizabeth Beauchamp post a good few pages back.

This doesn't bode well.

I really feel you, as painful as this will be need to draw a line in the sand.

Tell him your not prepared to proceed on these terms and put your money into this mess as it stands.

That you will not move forward with this as the relationship stands at present between him and his mum.

Ideally he should choose to continue living with you in rented accommodation and forget about this because it doesn't work for you.

What kind of parent can happily contemplate the possibility of her child's death and then hope to profit from it? She sounds like a monster!

Please don't fake wills/send her one and then make another etc.. It muddies the water and gives her a (false) belief that she's entitled to something she isn't, I've seen lawsuits launched on less! You say the money is legally a gift currently, do you have paperwork supporting this or was it a verbal agreement and she simply transferred the money to you? She doesn't really have much to argue right now, she can demand that you repay her immediately but the most she could do if you decline to pay it all back at once is to try to make a claim in court which would be expensive and time consuming and at most only result in you having a judgment made against you to repay it, likely over time in installments so she gains nothing.

My honest advice, pull out of the sale, return her money and find a way to buy a place without her help, this simply won't end well. Also, and I may be being a bit dramatic here but I would make a will in any case and explicitly state how you want your respective estates to be distributed. If your DH were to die before you (grim sorry and hopefully not!) and your MIL is still alive, well let's just say that she sounds very opportunistic...

"but went along with some of her requests to not go in the car with me etc, leaving me alone with his sister and her DH. "

He doesn't want to upset mummy, but doesn't care about upsetting you!

What is there to talk about re the flat-you don't have the deposit saved yet so it can't go ahead!

Joint tenancy is an absolute must, or his mum can always work on him behind your back,
to make a new will in her favour and leave her his full share^

I'd be surprised if the mortgage company would allow anything but joint tenancy, as they would want to know their loan can be recovered, should one of you die
and it's too complicated for them if left to a 3rd party.

take out a life insurance policy for the amount owed to his mother with her as the beneficiary

But then she won’t get her money back unless the DP dies?

Silkei but he is still paying it back as a loan, as per their original agreement. So she will get it

What was her reason for hating you so much she couldn't sit in a car with you? Had you actually had much interaction or was it from the off?

As I said before, there is reason to give your DP benefit of the doubt but now it is so clear to you (and therefore him when you speak to him) how awful this would be for you if something did happen to him then this now really will show you what kind of person he is when you really need him to step up.

BigChoc: of course mortgage companies lend to those buying as Tenants in Common. It’s easier to sell the property and recoup the money from TiC than joint tenants!

I suspect that this is more about control than actually wanting the money. She wants to show you that she is next of kin and more important to your DP than you are. I wouldn't try duping her as in the unlikely event that he does die she could probably take you to court. Also if he is willing to dupe his mother how do you know that he wouldn't be willing to dupe you? He could change his will or go back to tennants in common without you knowing too.
It would be a lot easier if you just got married before buying.

Are the family from a culture where the son-mother bond is very strong, OP? E.g. Italian and some Asian cultures spring to mind. I’m finding the car story hard to process!

I'd put her in the will to inherit 2.5% of the property.

The hatred towards me initially was not based on anything- she admitted afterwards that she had nothing against me personally and that I was lovely, but she was upset that her son was staying in the UK and she felt I was responsible

God, she sounds even more massively childish than she already did, Kfc ! I can understand feeling that way, but to show it so plainly is outrageous.

You have no other option-do not compromise on joint tenants. You leave yourself open to all sorts of vulnerabilities if you do. This is non-negotiable!!!! If your partner won’t agree to this then I would reconsider the relationship.

JillSCarlet I heard a few years ago from friends buying that their building society wanted joint tenants

• presumably because the lenders then only have one person to evict instead of an additional unknown

Probably it varies what different lenders will accept.

You aren't married so this is not that surprising. Does it matter? My father split the joint tenancy so he could leave his half to us children not his wife as he wanted to make sure the children got it. IT is not a bad thing really. Neither of you is likely to die now so just go tenants in common and then he leaves to his mother and then when and if you have children he can change the will to leave to his children with his mothre or siblings as trustee.

If you were to marry then it doesn't matter on divorce whose name things are in.

Have you discussed what would happen to your half should you die?

Currently you are leaving it to him but him not to you - if he continues and agrees you need to protect your half from him

What’s good for the goose

Op this has been an amazing thread and if I say.. Mumsnet at its best. Financial, legal, emotional and relationship advice all excellent

As pp said this really is one of those pivotal relationship moments.

Messing round with wills would be a disaster.

Don't even think about this avenue.

You really need him to be happy to walk away from you the whole time thing with you you

I agree you should pull out of the sale. Don’t do anything until this mess is sorted out.

And if you’re DP is really the good man you think he is, he needs to put you first and stand up for you against his manipulative, controlling mother instead of trying to appease her.

What if you do have DC down the line? Are her wishes going to be more important than their needs too?

There’s a book called Toxic In-laws by Susan Forward that I’ve heard recommended many times, I suggest you have a look at it and have a think about the dynamics of your relationship in that context.

Keep joint tenancy, pay her back as soon as possible

Honestly it seems they have both shown there colours... she is willing to destroy you to get him to move back home. He will never fully back you over her!

Is there a way to proceed without either of them? If you think there is even a chance of having children please think of the implications of this women wanting to control/posses them too...

Tenants in common only makes sense if one of you has someone whom they regard as more important than their partner.
This could ê.g. be DC from a previous relationship,

.... but in this case his mum clearly regards this as a way of putting herself legally above you.

You need to consider a registry office marriage or some other legal means to ensure you are the others' next of kin,
e.g. in case of hospital decisions, visits etc, as well as inheriting any other future assets

Xenia of course it matters. They both want the other to inherit should the worse happen. If they have children they may change their minds on how the property is split but right now this is a purchase they are buying together for the two of them with the idea that the other person will have full ownership and entitlement to continue to live in the property should the worst happen. "Neither of you is likely to die now" is not a sensible strategy.