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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tight mil

165 replies

CookieDoughKid · 04/01/2019 21:23

Right. I am prepared to be flamed so please do. As I've yet to any feel remorse. I like to think I'm a good person and want to do the right thing. I've yet to feel the right thing at all.

Mil's husband is dying of brain cancer. We moved recently which now means a minimum 5 hour return trip to see them. They've announced they wish to visit us this Sunday and they are driving up which has taken us by surprise. In the last 4 years in my previous house, they visited just twice ...once to nosy at our house, and the other when i hosted dh''s 40th birthday. we lived less than 15mins drive and they never offered to visit otherwise. They saw our kids twice a year when we went over. Each visit was utterly excruciating and fil is quite frankly a nasty man and where each visit I could have punched him. I'm a well adjusted 5ft working breadwinner mum who takes a lot on my own shoulders and never asks for anything and I don't easily rise to bait but he deliberately tries to put us down and I won't take his shit unlike the rest of the enablers. Nor does my husband who is even more likely to deck him one . It was only last 6 months fil diagnosed with brain cancer. He's just finished his last ever chemo treatment.

Fil is a nasty, self centred, speaks before he thinks, and is critical of everything. Opinionated without wanting to hear another's kind of man. Mil is a doormat. They are both wealthy (retired in their 50s, multiple buy to lets, golden pensions etc) for which on the record I honestly don't give a shit about. I make my own money. This year as every year, my 2 Primary school kids got £5 EACH for their birthday and £10 each for Christmas. I think they are so tight it's unbelievable. My parents who on the other hand would post boxes of clothing, hand lump sum money (at least £20) to my kids a few times a year and I always leave with food, cake. When patents take me us for dinner we have to fight to pay the bill. My parents are elderly but I feel they really care and show it. And my parents live in council flat, much poorer as well having done labour jobs their whole life when they arrived as refugees. The difference in how each parents treat their grandchildren is stark.

If I was to write to say what I REALLY think about these in laws, it would come across truly cold and unspeakable.

This Sunday I have legitimate excuses to not sticking around. I am not changing my plans and I don't feel guilty. I am a great actress and when they come through the front door, they will be welcomed with such welcome. But I refuse to serve them lunch whereas that would be my most natural instinct for family and friends and I am leaving early for my own personal satisfaction.

May be the last time I see him alive. And so what?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 04/01/2019 21:26

How does your DH feel about it?

MidniteScribbler · 04/01/2019 21:26

You sound charming. Grandchildren are not pay-per-view.

Thewifipasswordis · 04/01/2019 21:26

I would've told them "No, sorry we have plans" in the first place.

Nanny0gg · 04/01/2019 21:26

And if they don't normally come and see you, is there a specific purpose in this visit?

Member869894 · 04/01/2019 21:27

he's dying. Cook him lunch and make him and his wife welcome

ilovesooty · 04/01/2019 21:27

Why is it only your mother in law who's "tight"?

Bluelady · 04/01/2019 21:30

Blimey.

sizzledrizz · 04/01/2019 21:31

Oh goodness, you have measured everything by the amount of money you get from your inlaws
And fyi, before brain cancer is diagnosed, it could still have been in his system. My dear departed ex-fil was riddled by cancer before it was finally diagnosed, he was bad tempered, and rude for a couple of years before that. I tried so hard to see him before he passed, but my ex-h stopped me from visiting him.
It's not worth it. Just try to forgive and move on. In this instance you need to do that.

Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 04/01/2019 21:32

Dh doesn't say a lot but actions speak louder than words. It's his parents at the end of the day. Of course, we will be utterly charming, offering tea and biscuits and talking niceties about the weather. But it feels so fake. I think I'm the one who is fake. I put it on to keep the peace. I'm not one to say what I think unless provoked.

The fact is. The man is dying. Should I be feeling something more. I don't feel anything at all to him and to mil I stopped making effort long time ago. They are so wrapped in their own world's they only think of themselves and that to me is completely understandable but I don't know how to be after fil is gone which will be soon. And what of his mother in law so far away.

I have issues because I feel in-authentic when they are here. But I will put on a good show. Charming aren't I?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 04/01/2019 21:33

Is your husband happy for you to treat his parents like this on what could be his father's last visit?

WontonSoupForTheSoul · 04/01/2019 21:35

It’s not all about you, love.

(Maybe they’re coming to tell your husband about his inheritance. I bet you’d feed a dying man under those circumstances).

sizzledrizz · 04/01/2019 21:36

Sometimes we have to be fake because we're adults. Or because someone needs us to act contrary to our own feelings. Sometimes we have to put other people before ourselves.

Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 04/01/2019 21:43

I honestly don't know the purpose of their visit. It's a slog of a journey even for a healthy person. They are not staying overnight but if they were unwell I would let them stay. I've not offered them a stay however which my authentic self would naturally do. I've hosted my sister and brother over Christmas for 4 days.

I think they are such different people and I know you can't choose your family. There isn't anything to forgive but there isn't anything to love either. To me, they are just people I post a Christmas card to once a year. For dh, he puts no effort in seeing them but that's the way they are..so there isn't much to read of it.

Should I forgive myself when I'm at the funeral and thinking unspeakable thoughts about him? Honestly I wouldn't even want to go but I will as it's the 'done thing'.

Yes it's not mother in law who is tight. I should say it's parents inlaw so that's £2.50 birthday gift from each of them right?

My kids are not pay per view. We see lots of family, extended family...and in my culture it's the other way. We would fight to pay the bill for example. When we visit people we bring the gifts.

OP posts:
WontonSoupForTheSoul · 04/01/2019 21:45

You’re exceptionally narcissistic. It’s fascinating to read.

Neapolitanicecream · 04/01/2019 21:46

If he is ill please try to overlook it because some people don’t handle pain very well, it can make them very bad tempered. Remember your Christian spirit x

7yo7yo · 04/01/2019 21:46

Ffs he’s dying. Make them
Fucking lunch.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 04/01/2019 21:48

You sound awful

EvaHarknessRose · 04/01/2019 21:49

If you love your husband you need to be his rock here - he will I imagine go through a wide range of emotions towards his father, if his father as you say has not been a good one. However, it is not your place to cause an issue, so I agree with being polite and courteous. And check in with your dh about how he is feeling. The visit seems weird - maybe they are suddenly feeling very vulnerable?

Amorea · 04/01/2019 21:49

Really odd thread.

ravenscaw · 04/01/2019 21:51

Oh ffs stop being nasty to OP. She's at the end of her tether and is venting. I am sure she will suck it up as she has always done and make tea and cook lunch and be a good woman as is expected.

I'm sorry OP, you need to start thinking of how you will manage when FIL is gone. Will MIL be demanding support? How are her finances? Flowers

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 04/01/2019 21:51

I think you and your DH ought to cook lunch for his dying father who is making a 5 hour round trip to come and see you.

Whats your AIBU?

Bluelady · 04/01/2019 21:52

I suggest you shove your authenticity - whatever that is - up your bum and show some compassion for a dying man and his wife.

mayflower43 · 04/01/2019 21:52

Unpleasant personality traits can show themselves in the years prior to a brain tumour diagnosis.

Lifeofsmiley · 04/01/2019 21:52

What 7yo said.

Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 04/01/2019 21:54

It's an odd thread how so? The situation? Or I'm odd? Yes I think I know I am odd, and if you say so narcissistic. Maybe I've compartmentalised the whole thing think which are sentiments in a big box to his parents.

For my dh, I will do whatever it takes to ensure the passage of time and pain is eased.

I'm adult and hopefully mature enough to act the right thing to do on the face of it. Am I alone to think like this or am I an evil bitch? Honestly I won't be missed when I leave early that afternoon anyway.

If it's not ok to act like this round a dying man, not make lunch and leave so be it. I can offer them to come a different day. I'm still not changing my plans with loved ones and friends that will really miss me if I'm not there.

OP posts:
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