Tight mil

[CookieDoughKid]

Right. I am prepared to be flamed so please do. As I've yet to any feel remorse. I like to think I'm a good person and want to do the right thing. I've yet to feel the right thing at all.

Mil's husband is dying of brain cancer. We moved recently which now means a minimum 5 hour return trip to see them. They've announced they wish to visit us this Sunday and they are driving up which has taken us by surprise. In the last 4 years in my previous house, they visited just twice ...once to nosy at our house, and the other when i hosted dh''s 40th birthday. we lived less than 15mins drive and they never offered to visit otherwise. They saw our kids twice a year when we went over. Each visit was utterly excruciating and fil is quite frankly a nasty man and where each visit I could have punched him. I'm a well adjusted 5ft working breadwinner mum who takes a lot on my own shoulders and never asks for anything and I don't easily rise to bait but he deliberately tries to put us down and I won't take his shit unlike the rest of the enablers. Nor does my husband who is even more likely to deck him one . It was only last 6 months fil diagnosed with brain cancer. He's just finished his last ever chemo treatment.

Fil is a nasty, self centred, speaks before he thinks, and is critical of everything. Opinionated without wanting to hear another's kind of man. Mil is a doormat. They are both wealthy (retired in their 50s, multiple buy to lets, golden pensions etc) for which on the record I honestly don't give a shit about. I make my own money. This year as every year, my 2 Primary school kids got £5 EACH for their birthday and £10 each for Christmas. I think they are so tight it's unbelievable. My parents who on the other hand would post boxes of clothing, hand lump sum money (at least £20) to my kids a few times a year and I always leave with food, cake. When patents take me us for dinner we have to fight to pay the bill. My parents are elderly but I feel they really care and show it. And my parents live in council flat, much poorer as well having done labour jobs their whole life when they arrived as refugees. The difference in how each parents treat their grandchildren is stark.

If I was to write to say what I REALLY think about these in laws, it would come across truly cold and unspeakable.

This Sunday I have legitimate excuses to not sticking around. I am not changing my plans and I don't feel guilty. I am a great actress and when they come through the front door, they will be welcomed with such welcome. But I refuse to serve them lunch whereas that would be my most natural instinct for family and friends and I am leaving early for my own personal satisfaction.

May be the last time I see him alive. And so what?

I can see where the OP is coming from. My IL’s make fuck-all effort with my DC’s and I entered into that family with such high hopes It’s a shame when your own family and IL’s are so wildly different.

Just because he’s dying, doesn’t now make him a nice person. He hasn’t treated the OP or children particularly nicely during his life and doesn’t sound like a pleasant man.

Why enter into a pantomime once he’s ill? It would be so false. Be guided by what DH wants, but I why should OP go out of her way for someone who cares not one whit about her?

If you were coming over as less forthright and had described in more detail some of the put downs that your FIL had dished out in the past you’d likely have had a chorus of support here. As it is, your FIL dying won’t be easy for your MIL or your DH. Perhaps for their sake you should suck this visit up particularly as it seems out of character, it may indeed be the last visit - and having faced his mortality, your FIL may even have changed a little. It will be tough if he’s still badly behaved but you will only have a moral high ground if you have been the best person you can be.

You do focus too much on their stinginess IMO, I can see that combined with a putting you down attitude a lack of generosity could rankle, perhaps pretend this visit is a fresh start and try to approach it with a generosity of spirit from your side. If you can’t do that then you wouldn’t be unreasonable to have something that takes you out for the afternoon as it might be easier for all.

I think I get your POV, op. It would be weird to come across all loving and happy families now if you haven't been before, and would definitely make it seem like you were all about the inheritance. If I were you I'd aim to be the nicest normal version of myself (i.e. offer tea/biscuits, have the food in to prep lunch if you have a change of heart, listen to their stories/grumbles more patiently than you normally do, that sort of thing).

If your DH's dad has always been like this then I doubt it's a result of the brain tumour. Also, people on MN are always saying 'tight with money, tight with love' on dating threads and frankly I think the same applies to grandparents when resources aren't an issue. Add the lack of gifts to the lack of any real time voluntarily spent with your DCs and they sound like pretty disinterested GPs. Why would you think highly of them, considering that? I think you're getting a hard time here.

As an aside, my MIL will inevitably die one day. I will not be sad. I'll be sad for DH because it's a major emotional upheaval (been through it myself), but not about the fact that the world has been deprived of a really unpleasant person's presence. I'm not that good an actor

So you are conflicted about how you feel towards your previously obnoxious FIL who is now dying, but your thread title is "Tight MIL"?????

'So you are conflicted about how you feel towards your previously obnoxious FIL who is now dying, but your thread title is "Tight MIL"?????'

Well quite

Also on a previous thread you speak about how Narc and racist your own DM is but on here you sing her praises.

Odd

Yeah got to change the title!! I think my initial anger was about her...tight with money therefore tight with love towards her only grandkids. Rightly or wrongly....but as i was writing, the issue went rather deeper about fil. Mil always get the stick don't they?!

He's dying. Ffs.

How bad will you feel when your husband and you inherit anything of value from him because by the sounds of it he's saved for the future. Maybe yours and your kids.

Feel how you want, you can't help how you feel but he is dying ffs.

I hear you OP. Offer practical support to FIL and MIL as required, but don't fake emotion.

I'm a believer in being honest, and if there was no relationship between you during his life, why fake concern and feelings now.

My DSis died last year. We had no relationship in the years prior due to her abuse towards me and my family. After her death I arranged the funeral and did all the necessary 'admin' things, but I didn't put on a show of emotion for others that may have expected it. DM asked if I regret not seeing DSis more often and I can honestly say no. The relationship you maintain (or not), during life is the one you end with.

Just make sure your DCs don't get the feelings of animosity as they most likely won't understand.

As for those PPs commenting on possible inheritance - it would be pathetic of you to make an effort now in the hope of money, but by the sounds of you you wouldn't do that.

My DM is also narc and racist but to her grandchildren she is very different. Feel free to read my previous threads.

'tight with money therefore tight with love'

Ugh

You are really something aren't you

I hear you OP. Offer practical support to FIL and MIL as required, but don't fake emotion. This is the very time to fake emotion and then real emotion may appear.

Please be kind, your fil is dying.

I don't blame you for feeling like you do but I suspect you are feeling slightly guilty about it hence the need to post. You aren't trying to justify it to us, you are trying to justify it to yourself.

He doesn't sound nice.

They’re driving 5 hours to see you, he’s dying and you and your DH May end up throwing them out??
Tell them not to come.
This is one of those threads where I would like to hear the other side of the story. I wonder if your one of those people who have dripped poison in their partners ear and turned them against their family slowly but surely.
You might be the reason they’re tight.

Your title is really confusing because it's really all about FIL...

I'm fairly gobby but in a nutshell, I'd suck it up and be polite for 4 hours for both your DH and MIL's sake.

Re: MIL I agree with this
I think you should think about MIL in all this. From what I can gather, all she’s done wrong is be a doormat and not give the DGCs much money, which might be down to FIL anyway. Presumably she’s driving him to yours, a round trip of 5 hours, and is faced with the prospect of losing her DH. I think that the least you can do in such circumstances is to offer them lunch and spend the day with them, for MIL’s sake. Try and have a bit of empathy OP.

Re:Your DH
He may well need someone to "advocate" for him, as he will likely be experiencing several difficult emotions/feelings and won't be in the right head space to make sensible calm decision (think, defuse situation with minimum explosiveness). You will need to be alert and do that for him.

OK. This is what I'm going to do. I will make lunch. If it was my parents or even me, I'd be too tired to go out for lunch after a long drive. Making lunch won't be too onerous and I can say I have done my bit. It'll be a decent couple of hours. I won't be changing my plans however so will be skipping off in the afternoon. Good point about dh and diffusing potentially explosive situation but this time, we will all be on our best behaviour I am sure of it. The only one who might not be is fil.

Let us know how it goes, CookieDoughKid?

I think that you are looking at this from the wrong angle.

Whilst FIL is the one who is dying, this visit is as much about your DH and MIL.

Do you want to be the DW/DDIL who snubbed a dying man? Do you want to be looking back on this event with all this vitriol or do you want to be the bigger person who made your DH's last visit with his Mother and Father one to be remembered, if not fondly then, at least as a pleasant experience?

I understand that he has always been an awful controlling nasty man but he is now dying, he's done. Time to look forward to those that are left behind. Can you see this as the first step in rehabilitating your MIL and as laying the foundations of the new relationship that you, your DH and your DC will have with with your MIL once she is free to be herself again?

Go to the funeral and bury this anger and hate along with your FIL. Anger and hate are such destructive emotions.

He's probably doing it to say goodbye.

Doesn't change his - or her - underlying personality, but all but the nastiest and cruellest people probably feel a need to see people/family when they know there is not much time left.

It's just an afternoon. It won't kill you - and you might be quite justifiably unsympathetic now, but it is worthwhile to be aware that when he dies, your OH might take it much harder than you expected, especially if you practically run out of the door as soon as they get to yours.

Grit your teeth, be nice, don't complain about him or say how much you don't care to your OH. It's a subject best left alone from now on.

I think the way you are writing about yourself is distinctly odd and comes across as pretentious and quite self-absorbed/self-important, which I think is partly why you are getting a negative reaction. All this talk of "my authentic self" and so on is unedifying to read, if I'm honest.

Anyway, your FIL is unpleasant and you don't like him. The fact he is dying is not going to change that, and there's no particular reason why it should.

I think all this waffle about "feeling terrible" about not liking him but still going to the funeral and how it is some sort of betrayal of your "authentic self" is just pretentious nonsense though. You don't like him, you don't have to like him in order to attend the funeral- you would be attending to support your DH, not to profess your sadness at the passing of your FIL. I doubt anyone else attending the funeral will care less about how you felt about your FIL. In the unlikely event that someone else did know you didn't like him, they'll recognise you are there for your husband's sake. So on that front, I'd say you need to get over yourself and either go to support your DH (if that's something your DH would appreciate) or don't go because you would rather not.

I do wonder, though, if you are quite as good an actress as you think? People do have a way of seeing through these things. I know my SIL would say the same sort of thing (actually, she has said this about her "performances" towards another family member)- she is nowhere near as good an "actress" as she thinks she is. I know this because she does the same "performance" with me and it is patronising and false- nobody is under any illusions as to her real feelings. Maybe your PIL are well aware of how you feel? Which may explain why they don't visit much (or they not particularly fond of you either).

However, I wonder why they are coming up? If it is to discuss something serious- it is up to you whether you stay for their visit but I wonder if it might be best to do so for your DH's sake. They may have some important news or something serious to discuss and your husband would benefit from some moral support if this is the case. I also think that if you have agreed to their visit then you should host if you said you will.

With regard to the way they treat your DC- I don't think you can or should measure love or affection based on money and gifts(and why £10 is insignificant yet £20 is a "lump sum" baffles me). I think the effort they put into their relationship with the grandchildren is a better measure, and it does sound like they have been somewhat more distant than your parents.

Take your lead from your dh. You don't have to like them but you do need to support him.

Regardless of FIL being a bully (not saying he isn't) and DH being ambivalent to the visit- this is his father, and the emotions that people go through when a parent dies, whether they are a shitty parent or not, is usually a lot. At least don't give your husband cause to regret. Cancel your plans. Grit your teetth, and welcome them into your home for most likely the last time. Don't give your husband cause to feel he could have done something different and maybe had some different with his dad. Regret will only affect your husband. FIL won't have any

I have to say I agree with this.

Your FIL is unpleasant and you don't like him- fine. Your DH is ambivalent about the whole thing, again- fine. But if this is conceivably the last time you and DH may see him, then I think you need to make some effort unless your DH doesn't want you to. It would be awful if he had regrets later on because you'd rather not have had them there. Death of a parent (or step-parent when you haven't know the biological parent) can throw up a lot of emotions, even if they've not been a very nice person or a good parent.

The way you wrote it sounded like your DHs SF rather than father. It’s fine, you don’t have to like him or tolerate his rudeness, however as it’s the last time you’re likely to see him, I would in fact cancel my plans and be there with DH to help through the visit. You never know what he might have to say, and even if it’s a terrible visit, rest assured it will be the last.

I understand the term 'authentic self' and actually think it is a great way to differentiate how you would behave normally from how you behave around people who have made no effort with you or your DC for years.

Agree with other posters - the person here who matters is your DH - you need to do whatever is best for him and forget about the politics with PILs.