Tight mil

[CookieDoughKid]

Right. I am prepared to be flamed so please do. As I've yet to any feel remorse. I like to think I'm a good person and want to do the right thing. I've yet to feel the right thing at all.

Mil's husband is dying of brain cancer. We moved recently which now means a minimum 5 hour return trip to see them. They've announced they wish to visit us this Sunday and they are driving up which has taken us by surprise. In the last 4 years in my previous house, they visited just twice ...once to nosy at our house, and the other when i hosted dh''s 40th birthday. we lived less than 15mins drive and they never offered to visit otherwise. They saw our kids twice a year when we went over. Each visit was utterly excruciating and fil is quite frankly a nasty man and where each visit I could have punched him. I'm a well adjusted 5ft working breadwinner mum who takes a lot on my own shoulders and never asks for anything and I don't easily rise to bait but he deliberately tries to put us down and I won't take his shit unlike the rest of the enablers. Nor does my husband who is even more likely to deck him one . It was only last 6 months fil diagnosed with brain cancer. He's just finished his last ever chemo treatment.

Fil is a nasty, self centred, speaks before he thinks, and is critical of everything. Opinionated without wanting to hear another's kind of man. Mil is a doormat. They are both wealthy (retired in their 50s, multiple buy to lets, golden pensions etc) for which on the record I honestly don't give a shit about. I make my own money. This year as every year, my 2 Primary school kids got £5 EACH for their birthday and £10 each for Christmas. I think they are so tight it's unbelievable. My parents who on the other hand would post boxes of clothing, hand lump sum money (at least £20) to my kids a few times a year and I always leave with food, cake. When patents take me us for dinner we have to fight to pay the bill. My parents are elderly but I feel they really care and show it. And my parents live in council flat, much poorer as well having done labour jobs their whole life when they arrived as refugees. The difference in how each parents treat their grandchildren is stark.

If I was to write to say what I REALLY think about these in laws, it would come across truly cold and unspeakable.

This Sunday I have legitimate excuses to not sticking around. I am not changing my plans and I don't feel guilty. I am a great actress and when they come through the front door, they will be welcomed with such welcome. But I refuse to serve them lunch whereas that would be my most natural instinct for family and friends and I am leaving early for my own personal satisfaction.

May be the last time I see him alive. And so what?

I think you are focusing too much on oyur own feelings and not enough on your OH. The reality is that how you feel about this man and you MIL doesn't matter much. You are free to not like them at all. The issue is your OH who is probably experiencing a lot of mix feelings for both of them. Feeling of wanting to protect his mum whilst also being angry with her to have supported this man, hatred for this man maltresting his mum whilst still experiencing love for this man who took him on as a son. He probably has quite some mix feeling about his dying and therefore this visit which could be the last time he sees him in a healthy way.

So instead of focusing on what you will do or not, how about encouraging your OH to express his views and going along what HE wants, and doing it for him rather than your in laws?

Cookie, you've been flamed a lot on here but a lot of what you have said is very similar to our situation and I know exactly where you are coming from. My in laws lived 15 min drive away too but didn't visit us once in 12 years. They used to play the "We are too sick to go out" card, but we knew from other family members that they went out regularly on the bus to local towns and even to towns much further afield. We used to visit them weekly, but this dwindled over the years as we realised they didn't care. Fil would even sit and read the paper right through our visit and not speak to his Grandchildren once. If they rang us, it was to tell us how ill they were and they never spoke to the Grandchildren over the phone. Our visits to them were fraught, with the children being expected to sit quiet on the couch and not talk to each other, resulting in them not wanting to go. It hurts and is very upsetting, so I totally get where you are coming from. You must do what you feel is right op, and what you can live with years later.

Just because someone is dying doesn't make you forget nasty behaviour. It doesn't make you have to forgive them either.

For the sake of making dh happy, if he wants them to have dinner then maybe just do it or go out somewhere.
If you have plans, could he go out with them?

" I've hosted my sister and brother over Christmas for 4 days."

I love the fact OP posted this as some sort of defence, when it's just proof of the sheer contempt for her husband and his family.

I wonder how she'll blame her in laws when her kids start repeating her mother's racist views?

Joan..I dont understand your post. It's her Mother who is racist, not her? And think she has put that she has hosted people staying over, to show that she is not against hosting as she has had people stay for 4 days in the past.

Yes, it is her mother who is racist. And her mother who she paints as an adoring grandmother. Seems pretty obvious how that's going to go.

And the 4 days thing is proof she'll put herself out over an extended period for her own family, but a lunch for her dying father in law is drama.

Tabby you've said what I'm feeling far more eloquently that I have in this post. My own mother has her issues and she is no saint but when it comes to her grandchildren she is adorable towards them. Yes my own mother is racist towards certain races (my kids are mixed raced ha!) and I don't agree with her at all and was the cause of many fights in my youth.

Swift thank you and that is what I will do. I've spoke to my husband and we agreed I will prepare a lunch but honestly, we don't know what will happen when fil walks through out door. If he's rude to us we reserve the right to take things out of our house and eat out instead to redirect energies and divert/diffuse. Being in public will temper conflict and situation and we will prevent as much as possible nuclear war. Dh feels very conflicted but he doesn't say much usually and is more physical and would act a scene/ walk out/ tell his dad to fuck off etc.. I'm surw this time like you all want it to be as I do too..it will be fine. We both don't like the man granted but we will be there when needed. It looks that need is now. We need to be ready for it and since the only times we have experienced in his presence is insulting, bullying and nasty behaviour from him in the past we have to be very adult and mature this time and do want we need to do outside our comfort zone. It's not about me. I get that and for the greater good just be there as asked for the small number of hours.

I want to thank all the posters including the ones who have flamed me. You all have made me really think, calm down and come up with a workable plan.

Regarding the 'tightfistedness' towards your children can we assume that you have a percentage of disposable income that they should receive?
If I were to make a journey of 5 hours to visit my family and receive 'tea and biscuits' I'd be off to get my own lunch somewhere!
You clearly don't like your in-laws, maybe they don't like you much either!

You need to get over yourself.

You need to get over yourself

That’s helpful.

You’ve made the right choice with lunch cookiedoughkid

I really do think you should reschedule your plans, not for them but more so you can be there for your husband.

I was in a similar position with my father. I had a very strained relationship with him throughout his life. When he died, I didn't mourn him, but the relationship we didn't have. He didn't change just because he was dying.
However I made my peace with him before his death, because I needed to and not for him.
I would stay in and make them lunch. Don't be mean. You don't have to like him, just have compassion and some manners.

Not Read The Thread.

Op I don't think your awful at all and no grandchildren are not pay per view but it's hard when one set have nothing and give everything and the others are not only mean in character but seem to have everything and give nothing.

Op, I can't bear my fil, his voice the way he moves, everything about him from the inside out repulses me.
But I think I would grin and bear it this one last time. I really would esp for your dh sake. Even though he doesn't seem to like his dad! Who knows maybe he wants to come and apologise?

Oh just read your post on the this page.

Well done op.

For those that commented tight with money, tight with love..

Someone posted a really interesting article about this ages ago on here. It was a fascinating read.
Sometimes when wealthier people ie those who could give a grandchild 20 quid twice a year but give 20p and not dent their living in anyway often have deeper symptoms of something else going on.

Re measuring the grandparents love by money, another moot point.

It depends on the grandparents!
Some people are very passive aggressive with the their gifts.

Some could be the most doting gorgeous devoted grandparents who may be comfortable and not give good gifts or money from nothing tight or mean at all....

I have just found in lie people who are comfortable but tight just in general have turned out to be people whose other traits make them seem unpleasant to me. Whereas people who have been more generous, also have other traits that I admire.

We have been very breadline for many years, had to watch every penny etc. Couldn't be generous with gifts, all kept very low value, didn't gift each other etc.

As soon as our budget allowed we could treat one particular family member more, not much more but just a little more we did.