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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tight mil

165 replies

CookieDoughKid · 04/01/2019 21:23

Right. I am prepared to be flamed so please do. As I've yet to any feel remorse. I like to think I'm a good person and want to do the right thing. I've yet to feel the right thing at all.

Mil's husband is dying of brain cancer. We moved recently which now means a minimum 5 hour return trip to see them. They've announced they wish to visit us this Sunday and they are driving up which has taken us by surprise. In the last 4 years in my previous house, they visited just twice ...once to nosy at our house, and the other when i hosted dh''s 40th birthday. we lived less than 15mins drive and they never offered to visit otherwise. They saw our kids twice a year when we went over. Each visit was utterly excruciating and fil is quite frankly a nasty man and where each visit I could have punched him. I'm a well adjusted 5ft working breadwinner mum who takes a lot on my own shoulders and never asks for anything and I don't easily rise to bait but he deliberately tries to put us down and I won't take his shit unlike the rest of the enablers. Nor does my husband who is even more likely to deck him one . It was only last 6 months fil diagnosed with brain cancer. He's just finished his last ever chemo treatment.

Fil is a nasty, self centred, speaks before he thinks, and is critical of everything. Opinionated without wanting to hear another's kind of man. Mil is a doormat. They are both wealthy (retired in their 50s, multiple buy to lets, golden pensions etc) for which on the record I honestly don't give a shit about. I make my own money. This year as every year, my 2 Primary school kids got £5 EACH for their birthday and £10 each for Christmas. I think they are so tight it's unbelievable. My parents who on the other hand would post boxes of clothing, hand lump sum money (at least £20) to my kids a few times a year and I always leave with food, cake. When patents take me us for dinner we have to fight to pay the bill. My parents are elderly but I feel they really care and show it. And my parents live in council flat, much poorer as well having done labour jobs their whole life when they arrived as refugees. The difference in how each parents treat their grandchildren is stark.

If I was to write to say what I REALLY think about these in laws, it would come across truly cold and unspeakable.

This Sunday I have legitimate excuses to not sticking around. I am not changing my plans and I don't feel guilty. I am a great actress and when they come through the front door, they will be welcomed with such welcome. But I refuse to serve them lunch whereas that would be my most natural instinct for family and friends and I am leaving early for my own personal satisfaction.

May be the last time I see him alive. And so what?

OP posts:
6triesbuttingout · 05/01/2019 01:20

Good god. Have you no compasion or kindness in you.

GreenTulips · 05/01/2019 01:36

Good god. Have you no compasion or kindness in you.

She does - just not for this individual.

Why should you be treated like crap and then have to be fake nice around people (which OP says she’ll do)

Why do we have to put on a show for those who mistreat us who ever they are? You wouldn’t let a friend treat you this way so why allow family?

Those who say otherwise probably have normal healthy relationships with close family. This is none of those things.

MissLadyM · 05/01/2019 01:38

You sound horrible. Really nasty

SouthernSeafront · 05/01/2019 01:43

Wontonsoupforthesoul: "You’re exceptionally narcissistic. It’s fascinating to read."

Nailed it, my thoughts exactly.

Orchardgreen · 05/01/2019 01:51

You sound horrible.

fiydwi · 05/01/2019 01:57

I don’t get why you’re getting a hard time op. If someone is an arsehole, then dying doesn’t change that and I can’t imagine myself being that much of a hypocrite and going all out to make an effort for them in their dying days.
There are very few people I dislike/hate but I can assure you my opinion of them and my desire to spend any time with with them wouldnt change just because they’re Ill or dying.

Winterberriesonatree · 05/01/2019 02:11

My own FIL and his wife who was DHs stepmother were very strange people. They never showed any interest in our children and did not ever visit us once. Before DH was married to me and single, they often asked him to write cheques to pay for gas and lecky bills, because they spent all their money in the pub. That stopped the day we got married, they didn't travel for our wedding and after the cash flow dried up they lost interest in us. DH was in the army and had left home at 16.

We did usually visit every year between Xmas and New Year. What usually happened was that the men all took themselves off to the pub at lunchtime. I was usually left to help prepare dinner with SIL, whilst we looked after our kids. After dinner and a few more drinks (for the men), I drove back home on the M62.

FIL died of throat cancer and towards the end he wanted to see our children. We drove them over the M62 to visit, but they were young (3 and 7) and found it very upsetting as they had no real relationship with a GF who had recently become very ill. They also had little experience of seeing very ill older people and it was very traumatic for them.

When it came to FILs funeral my DH took our DS aged 7, but with hindsight I should have kept him at home. It really did not seem fair to subject him to this when he had no real relationship with the deceased.

Weathermonger · 05/01/2019 02:20

I'm not sure I agree with the monetary comparisons, it's not a financial competition between grandparents. However if the FIL has always been such an unpleasant man and you've never got along, I don't see why you'd feel any different now. You've already said you exchange pleasantries and make them welcome, so there's really not much else you should feel obliged to do.

Rockmysocks · 05/01/2019 06:02

How can you be at the end of your tether when you hardly ever saw them?

Consolidateyourloins · 05/01/2019 06:06

The only thing that's changed is that he has cancer so suddenly we have to act and feel different?

Why not? You act and feel differently to your racist and narc DM because she slings your children a £20 rather than a £10, so acting differently to FIL ashould be a breeze.

MarthasGinYard · 05/01/2019 07:17

'You act and feel differently to your racist and narc DM because she slings your children a £20 rather than a £10, so acting differently to FIL ashould be a breeze.'

Spot on

Says much about you Op

Bluntness100 · 05/01/2019 07:59

Yeah, the issue here is the op explains in further detail why she dislikes him and it's about them being wealthy and giving her kids little, she explains why she likes her own parents and directly links it to what they get from them whilst telling us how great a person she is and yet this man is on the last trip to say goodbye to his son and grandkids and she doesn't wish to give him lunch and will leave early in a show of petty spite.

When pushed she struggles to give examples of his behaviour that's made her behave so venomously. It's all he's rude to waiters and doesn't say thanks.

I strongly suspect of this was real, if this guy had been throwing cash at them, she'd like him just fine.

Grannyannex · 05/01/2019 08:15

It’s good to be kind even though he’s awful. Your MIL is a victim in this and you shouldn’t blame her about weakness, it must be very difficult to live with such a nasty man. Best be kind for your MIL and DHs sake. You need to be a rock for them both

Grannyannex · 05/01/2019 08:17

The money is irrelevant. People show love in different ways. More money isn’t better

Raspberry88 · 05/01/2019 08:24

Grannyannex
Yep, this exactly.

AJPTaylor · 05/01/2019 08:33

You hate him. With reason.
This is probably the last time you will have to deal with him
I would reluctantly bite my lip. Serve them lunch and save goodbye.

emzw12 · 05/01/2019 08:42

Omg I'd never complain about some money given to my kids no matter how small! Money doesn't matter in the slightest! Just because your parents are more generous it doesn't mean everyone should give your kids more money! Be grateful they have given them anything.
I know a couple of people who have died of brain tumours and it wasn't nice for the patient or the family and all you can think about is money! Imagine if it was your mum or dad dying from that brain tumour!

Wishimaywishimight · 05/01/2019 08:45

You sound cold to the point of being almost inhuman/robotic and talking about your authentic/inauthentic self makes you come across as incredibly self absorbed and a bit of a navel gazing arse tbh.

LagunaBubbles · 05/01/2019 08:58

What we have here ladies & gentlemen, is a genuine, real life narcissistic psychotic. Observe & learn!

Do you even know what the word psychotic means? The OP may or may not be many things but she doesn't sound psychotic.

daisychain01 · 05/01/2019 09:01

Your OP is clearly your full, unfiltered, stream of consciousness feelings about your DHs parents, warts and all.

Don't look back and regret you weren't the bigger person. Be that bigger person now, don't over act or go OTT in hosting your PIL, go into auto-pilot and be calm and measured. Don't do it for the thanks you get, do it to be decent and supportive of your DH. Blood is thicker than water, believe me not matter how critical he is of his DPs he will be hurting inside at seeing his father's demise and by you being there to support him, it will deepen your relationship with him.

Dont 'skip off' to your other arrangement unless it's something earth shatteringly important, stay and go through the motions. It's likely to be the last time you'll ever have to.

Littletabbyocelot · 05/01/2019 09:01

I think going out for a meal is fine if they are up to it - it was saying they'd just be offered tea and biscuits that sounded cold.

I really think FIL is irrelevant here to you. I have a dying in law who I do not love (could write a long list about why but it doesn't matter). My husband however does love them and will be devastated. Welcoming them to my home, treating them as the family they are, doing whatever I can to make their life easier are not inauthentic. Those actions are about my love for DH and desire to support him. There is no benefit in openly showing my feelings and no merit in it, when all it does is hurt others. So in your shoes I would be led by what your DH wants and if that means being fake, it's for good reason.

NameChangeNugget · 05/01/2019 09:26

I’m staggered. Part of me thinks this cannot be a genuine post.

RoboticSealpup · 05/01/2019 09:53

jacks11

Agree with everything you said.

Lifeisabeach09 · 05/01/2019 10:04

A lot of non-British cultures demonstrate care through generosity. This could be why OP has focused on the money element.

Anyway, OP, I don't feel you are being unreasonable. I do feel you should leave it to your DH to decide how much time he wants to spend with his parents and to provide lunch or not.

Pachyderm1 · 05/01/2019 10:09

He sounds grim but not sure what the point of this thread is. If you want back up for the decision not to give a dying man lunch because it would make you feel inauthentic I don’t think I can give you that. What are you actually asking?

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