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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tight mil

165 replies

CookieDoughKid · 04/01/2019 21:23

Right. I am prepared to be flamed so please do. As I've yet to any feel remorse. I like to think I'm a good person and want to do the right thing. I've yet to feel the right thing at all.

Mil's husband is dying of brain cancer. We moved recently which now means a minimum 5 hour return trip to see them. They've announced they wish to visit us this Sunday and they are driving up which has taken us by surprise. In the last 4 years in my previous house, they visited just twice ...once to nosy at our house, and the other when i hosted dh''s 40th birthday. we lived less than 15mins drive and they never offered to visit otherwise. They saw our kids twice a year when we went over. Each visit was utterly excruciating and fil is quite frankly a nasty man and where each visit I could have punched him. I'm a well adjusted 5ft working breadwinner mum who takes a lot on my own shoulders and never asks for anything and I don't easily rise to bait but he deliberately tries to put us down and I won't take his shit unlike the rest of the enablers. Nor does my husband who is even more likely to deck him one . It was only last 6 months fil diagnosed with brain cancer. He's just finished his last ever chemo treatment.

Fil is a nasty, self centred, speaks before he thinks, and is critical of everything. Opinionated without wanting to hear another's kind of man. Mil is a doormat. They are both wealthy (retired in their 50s, multiple buy to lets, golden pensions etc) for which on the record I honestly don't give a shit about. I make my own money. This year as every year, my 2 Primary school kids got £5 EACH for their birthday and £10 each for Christmas. I think they are so tight it's unbelievable. My parents who on the other hand would post boxes of clothing, hand lump sum money (at least £20) to my kids a few times a year and I always leave with food, cake. When patents take me us for dinner we have to fight to pay the bill. My parents are elderly but I feel they really care and show it. And my parents live in council flat, much poorer as well having done labour jobs their whole life when they arrived as refugees. The difference in how each parents treat their grandchildren is stark.

If I was to write to say what I REALLY think about these in laws, it would come across truly cold and unspeakable.

This Sunday I have legitimate excuses to not sticking around. I am not changing my plans and I don't feel guilty. I am a great actress and when they come through the front door, they will be welcomed with such welcome. But I refuse to serve them lunch whereas that would be my most natural instinct for family and friends and I am leaving early for my own personal satisfaction.

May be the last time I see him alive. And so what?

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 04/01/2019 22:17

Well, they sprung this visit on you unexpectedly, and you already had plans. You'd think they would at least talk to you and give you enough time to make arrangements, not just assume that it's ok. And the man has been sufficiently nasty to you in the past that both you and DH dislike him.

I don't think it's got anything to do with money. If you were bothered about money, you'd be getting the red carpet out and making a huge fuss of him. You're not a hypocrite anyway.

LilQueenie · 04/01/2019 22:18

I don't see why you are being flamed. If fil has always been nasty and bad tempered then why should your feelings change unless he has changed.

If people expect to be treated nicely once ill they should ensure they are likable people in health as well.

momomia · 04/01/2019 22:19

you sound awful, I'm cringing reading this. just have lunch with them and get over yourself

nicoala1 · 04/01/2019 22:19

So sad. I can understand the underlying angst.

But on this occasion you probably need to be kind and accepting. What does your DH think?

Get Deliveroo for the grub.

Carry on and be gracious. You will not regret it.

Chocolate1984 · 04/01/2019 22:21

Has your FIL always been awful? My friends father slowly changed until he became unbearably rude and carnaptious. No one realised it was a brain tumour and he lived 1.5 years after diagnosis but he wasn’t the man he used to be.

Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 04/01/2019 22:22

single If you were bothered about money, you'd be getting the red carpet out and making a huge fuss of him.

Well that's just it isn't it?!! I've never done anything like that before....perhaps I should?!

All of your replies have given me a different perspective. I will take your comments on board and think about things. Will discuss with dh his views on make sure what he wants to happen, happens.. I'll let you know how the visit goes.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 04/01/2019 22:22

Gosh, I wonder if you can read this cold and see it how others do. It really is fascinating. There is self love and then there narcissism. You are in the latter camp. But it's more than that, it's the materialism. The fact you know your parents care because of what they give you. What they give the kids.

It's your call if you make a dying man lunch or not.

Your posts are actually disturbing.

Franklyyes · 04/01/2019 22:24

What a bizarre thread - you are not expressing yourself very well. Just make him feel welcome regardless of how he treats you .. and how you normally treat them. He is dying. Be nice

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/01/2019 22:24

They probably see you for what you really are OP. Hence not wanting much to do with you. You sound really quite awful. Worse than your inlaws. How about that.

Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 04/01/2019 22:26

For the record father in law has always been awful ever since dh knew him at 10. He is step father in law but dh calls him his dad as he hasnt known any other. Countless time including times dh and I walking in on hearing fil mistreat mil ordering her about, not saying thank you, at restaurants being exceptionally rude to waiters, criticising my choice of schools, work etc...complete arse. The only thing that's changed is that he has cancer so suddenly we have to act and feel different?

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 04/01/2019 22:26

He’s dying. They might be reaching out for him or they might be reaching out for MIL. She is about to be very much alone. My own father is difficult, but I am focusing on our relationship moving forward because he just lost his wife, my mother. The past doesn’t matter very much these days.

I get this is last minute, but time is kind of, of the essence. We thought we had at least one more visit left with my mom, it was just a couple of weeks away, but she died before the visit.

SD1978 · 04/01/2019 22:28

If this is probably the last time you'll ever see FIL I'd be a tad more welcoming and be providing lunch. You've seen them about 6 times fullstop from what I can gather? Your level of vitriol against them seems a tad high for so few meetings. Regardless of FIL being a bully (not saying he isn't) and DH being ambivalent to the visit- this is his father, and the emotions that people go through when a parent dies, whether they are a shitty parent or not, is usually a lot. At least don't give your husband cause to regret. Cancel your plans. Grit your teetth, and welcome them into your home for most likely the last time. Don't give your husband cause to feel he could have done something different and maybe had some different with his dad. Regret will only affect your husband. FIL won't have any.

Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 04/01/2019 22:29

purple I hear you. I get what you are saying. I need to make peace with it internally hence the need to write on here.

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 04/01/2019 22:31

I'm a well adjusted 5ft working breadwinner mum who takes a lot on my own shoulders and never asks for anything

Is that a typo for "full-time" or did you genuinely think your height was relevant to the point? Wink

Ilovetolurk · 04/01/2019 22:31

She's at the end of her tether and is venting

She sees him twice a year. If this is the end of her tether perhaps she will spontaneously combust if he actually wants to stay for tea

nicoala1 · 04/01/2019 22:31

I may have missed it, but what has MIL to say about his behaviour? She is living with it every day and will know.

She is probably the person who needs a bloody good hug right now.

Bluntness100 · 04/01/2019 22:32

Oh well if he is rude to waiters and doesn't say thank you,,,you should have said,

This can't be real? Seriously? Who is this horrible and self obsessed?

Jayfee · 04/01/2019 22:32

Given that your husband's father is dying, you don't show much compassion or respect for his family.

KarmaStar · 04/01/2019 22:34

Hi OP,
Appreciate that things have gone on in the past which may be the cause of you lacking any feelings for your pil,but for your husband's sake I'd welcome them for lunch.They are making such a long journey so they deserve a meal out of courtesy,whatever you think,they are still your husband's parents and that in itself perhaps suggest they should be respected?It is only one meal.

nicslackey · 04/01/2019 22:34

Wow. just wow. You sound so materialistic, unsupportive and selfish.

Palaver1 · 04/01/2019 22:35

OP I understand you my mother in law whose just passed was a nasty hateful person even on the day she died didn’t know whether to sing ding dong the f witch is gone Nasty hateful and produced hateful children Nasty lot I feel for you .its not so easy to change the way you feel .I only remember the dead witch as evil evil.She didn’t give Adams about her grandchildren either
Her twin daughters didn’t even attend her funeral that says it all.
OP I’m with you I understand you.

Jayfee · 04/01/2019 22:35

And if you never ask for anything, why are you so obsessed with what your in-laws have or have not given you and your children??

Jayfee · 04/01/2019 22:36

Just interested Palaver, was your husband hateful?

SilverySurfer · 04/01/2019 22:37

I'm a well adjusted 5ft working breadwinner mum

You may be 5ft, and a working mum but one thing you most definitely are not is 'well adjusted'. You come over as a complete narcissist in your posts.

He won't be dead just yet and I can make a meal.

Just wow.

Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 04/01/2019 22:39

I will speak to dh and see what he wants to happen. He was the one that suggested going out for lunch as fil is so temperamental there is a real chance one of us could throw him out. Mil is a complete doormat and acknowledges his behaviour but brushes it off as acceptable because she can't wont change him.

OP posts: