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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tight mil

165 replies

CookieDoughKid · 04/01/2019 21:23

Right. I am prepared to be flamed so please do. As I've yet to any feel remorse. I like to think I'm a good person and want to do the right thing. I've yet to feel the right thing at all.

Mil's husband is dying of brain cancer. We moved recently which now means a minimum 5 hour return trip to see them. They've announced they wish to visit us this Sunday and they are driving up which has taken us by surprise. In the last 4 years in my previous house, they visited just twice ...once to nosy at our house, and the other when i hosted dh''s 40th birthday. we lived less than 15mins drive and they never offered to visit otherwise. They saw our kids twice a year when we went over. Each visit was utterly excruciating and fil is quite frankly a nasty man and where each visit I could have punched him. I'm a well adjusted 5ft working breadwinner mum who takes a lot on my own shoulders and never asks for anything and I don't easily rise to bait but he deliberately tries to put us down and I won't take his shit unlike the rest of the enablers. Nor does my husband who is even more likely to deck him one . It was only last 6 months fil diagnosed with brain cancer. He's just finished his last ever chemo treatment.

Fil is a nasty, self centred, speaks before he thinks, and is critical of everything. Opinionated without wanting to hear another's kind of man. Mil is a doormat. They are both wealthy (retired in their 50s, multiple buy to lets, golden pensions etc) for which on the record I honestly don't give a shit about. I make my own money. This year as every year, my 2 Primary school kids got £5 EACH for their birthday and £10 each for Christmas. I think they are so tight it's unbelievable. My parents who on the other hand would post boxes of clothing, hand lump sum money (at least £20) to my kids a few times a year and I always leave with food, cake. When patents take me us for dinner we have to fight to pay the bill. My parents are elderly but I feel they really care and show it. And my parents live in council flat, much poorer as well having done labour jobs their whole life when they arrived as refugees. The difference in how each parents treat their grandchildren is stark.

If I was to write to say what I REALLY think about these in laws, it would come across truly cold and unspeakable.

This Sunday I have legitimate excuses to not sticking around. I am not changing my plans and I don't feel guilty. I am a great actress and when they come through the front door, they will be welcomed with such welcome. But I refuse to serve them lunch whereas that would be my most natural instinct for family and friends and I am leaving early for my own personal satisfaction.

May be the last time I see him alive. And so what?

OP posts:
Santaisfastasleepatlast · 04/01/2019 21:57

I agree if you don't like him no reason to pretend otherwise.
My aunt had a long term awful illness.. Still thought she was a nasty cow.
Go about your day unless your dh asks you to be there to support him. His feelings outweigh yours /fil at this time I feel.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/01/2019 21:57

No, please don't cancel your plans. Don't inflict yourself on them. Whatever they've done wrong - and it seems to be all about money for you - nobody deserves to be around somebody who thinks their friendly acting is all-that-and-a-bag-of-chips

Don't go to the funeral either. What a hypocrite you'd be. I expect MIL would think you were there 'for the money' and I think she'd be bang on.

Consolidateyourloins · 04/01/2019 21:57

To me, they are just people I post a Christmas card to once a year.

So you don't buy them even token gifts but expect more than £10 each for your dc for every present? My mum gives her gc £10 and their bloody grateful! They love their granny!

And why is £20 a 'lump sum' but £10 isn't?

Your 'authentic' self sounds very avaricious.

Dermymc · 04/01/2019 21:57

Oh gosh OP you are fine. My grandparent died and I felt nothing. Literally nothing. Even now I only have horrible thoughts about the person. Their own children disliked him too. Don't feel guilty.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 04/01/2019 21:58

Enjoy your day out then Confused

Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 04/01/2019 21:58

raven you're right. It's the end of my internal tether. Don't think I don't know the right thing to do. I think I do. I just don't want to. I don't feel this way about any other person alive like I do about this fil because he hasn't shown any redeeming traits prior to the cancer. Yet cancer and dying changes things?

I hear you all that I need to feel and be more compassionate. I just don't yet know how to think and feel that. I can act it though.

OP posts:
CrispbuttyNo1 · 04/01/2019 21:59

“I think they are such different people and I know you can't choose your family”

Except you did choose them when you married . Hmm

You sound dreadful. It’s all about you you you... and the £££.

I bet you don’t turn any inheritance away.

ilovesooty · 04/01/2019 22:00

Unless your husband wants you there I'm inclined to agree that it might be better for all concerned if you pissed off.

ReanimatedSGB · 04/01/2019 22:00

Sympathies to you OP, I don't think you're unreasonable. People with family who are basically OK (perhaps a bit annoying sometimes, bossy, or rude, or prone to banging on about 'snowflakes' or whatever) rarely seem to understand what it's like to have a family member who is an absolute shit, and what a mess you can become psychologically once that shit either dies or gets seriously ill.

My dearest friend refused to go home to see her dying father and, a week later, showed up at our dance class singing 'ding dong, the witch is dead'. A few people were appalled, some were concerned, and it gradually came out that this wretched man had repeatedly abused her, her mother and her sister (verbally and physically) over the years and she was the only one who had got away. So, frankly, unsurprising she had no interest in 'saying her goodbyes' and did not mourn.

Mummylife2018 · 04/01/2019 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Consolidateyourloins · 04/01/2019 22:02

For my dh, I will do whatever it takes to ensure the passage of time and pain is eased.

How, by leaving him alone with his excruciating parents, one of whom is dying? Do you really think that's supportive?

And then you say you won't be missed, which tells me your dh and kids will be perfectly with PIL, so they can't be as bad as you say.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 04/01/2019 22:02

It's his parents at the end of the day. Of course, we will be utterly charming, offering tea and biscuits and talking niceties about the weather. But it feels so fake. I think I'm the one who is fake. I put it on to keep the peace

Then to be honest, you need to extend the fakeness to make a meal for them (you or DH). They are making a five hour round trip - tea and biscuits is not enough. If you feel you need to fake it - go the whole hog!

Not sure what to say about your feelings - you come across as very angry. Wouldn't like to guess whether that is U or not.

delboysskinandblister · 04/01/2019 22:03

It might be best all round if you just cancel. You can't change them they can't change you.

Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 04/01/2019 22:06

About the inheritance, wouldn't change a thing for me. It's not a thing that's been mentioned either by myself or my dh. I wish my mil to spend it all. Like I said, I'm doing fine as I always have. I don't ask for anything, I make my own.

When you have 2 sets of inlaws who treat their grandchildren so differently it's hard not to infer conclusions of how much they care and love them. But like you say, it isn't an indication of their love? I should learn from this.

OP posts:
Bunbunbunny · 04/01/2019 22:06

A sick arsehole is still an arsehole

mimibunz · 04/01/2019 22:06

Surely the time to vent your spleen has passed and you know it, which might be making you angrier. I certainly don’t see you as being a narcissist but your timing is off. Make them lunch. He’s dying. You win by default.

MistressDeeCee · 04/01/2019 22:06

I think as FIL.is on the brink of death, it may be deemed you should pretend he was ever the kindly father, grandfather, FIL etc. Even when that's not the case at all.

At least you're not a hypocrite I guess.

maddieharrison · 04/01/2019 22:09

You say you barely see them anyway? Surely you can put up with it for a while? I think you should be grateful they live far away and not ten minutes away like most other people's in laws.

jessstan2 · 04/01/2019 22:10

I wonder why they coming to see you with such a long journey. There must be a reason, something they want to discuss with you and your husband. You might be surprised.

I think you can suck it up as a one off, it won't kill you - and offer them a bed for the night, it's only one night. You may never see father in law again.

Please do come back and tell us what it was all about, after the visit.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 04/01/2019 22:11

You certainly seem to be singing the praises of your own parents. Parents who raised their child to think its ok not to be present at a lunch for their husbands dying father I might add.

Hoppinggreen · 04/01/2019 22:11

Well OP if this man is an arsehole then him getting cancer just makes him an arsehole with cancer, you don’t have to like him because he’s dying
However, if your DH wants to see him then you should suck it up and support him while comforting yourself with the fact that it won’t be for much longer

Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 04/01/2019 22:14

My dh can cook him a meal if he wants to. He doesn't want to. I fear that if they are in my house, and they are their usual selfs especially if I am hosting, the scenes can get ugly very quickly. Dying man or not.

If the vote here is that I should be hostess the mostess, then I will compromise by offering them a different day/weekend. He won't be dead just yet and I can make a meal. Dh was the one who offered to take us all out for lunch anyway so I've not had to reveal my true self about not wanting to make them lunch . I won't cancel my plans - I'd regret that more.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 04/01/2019 22:14

You moved miles away and hardly saw them before that.
This might be the last time you ever see them and they must have a reason for travelling that distance.
Offering them lunch seems the least you can do.

LanaorAna2 · 04/01/2019 22:14

FIL is nasty, self centred, speaks before he thinks, and is critical of everything = symptoms of brain damage.

Funny that, FIL's dying of brain cancer.

I've no doubt FIL is foul OP, tumour or not. But suck it up. Fake that smile till your teeth ache.

They are mean. But he's dying, which shows you - and him - how much money really counts when it matters.

ilovesooty · 04/01/2019 22:16

Your husband sounds no more welcoming than you do.