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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in-laws with problematic views

155 replies

Sleeplessinthecountry · 04/01/2019 14:21

Have NC for this, and don't want to put much specific/identifying detail. It's more of a WWYD.

DH comes from a different country from where we live, and one where certain sections of society are, even now, completely racist (He is not, even the slightest). I have very strong views on any form of predjudice/racism etc and am not at all afraid to express them if I come across this. I have actually thrown "friends" (now ex-friends) out of my house in the past for expressing homophobic views, for example.

DH has very little contact with his family. He doesn't have any contact at all with some of them and the rest he hasn't seen in many years. He has very little in common with most of them, less so every year that he lives in the country where we live (my home country, where he moved to to be with me, fifteen years ago). He has had a little Facebook contact in recent years with a few of them, stuff like catching up with what has happened to people's kids in adulthood, seeing family snaps, wishing happy Christmas etc.

Over Christmas he had a message from a close (close in blood tie, not in relationship) family member who might be travelling with her husband to where we live and naturally would like to see us. Of course I said great, I have never met any of these people and it would be really interesting. I even said why don't they come and stay with us for a few days. These people are getting on in years and it may be DH's last chance to actually see them (he never travels back to his country of origin).

He then explained to me that I would basically have to bite my tongue if these people were around as they are completely racist, to the point they would be certain to not only be casually be racist in conversation without even realising it is a problem, but also to use language that we would find completely unaccaptable (think the "N word", it's not that word exactly but another word just as offensive if not more so, which is used by true racists in their country). They would even be quite likely to do things like refusing to get on public transport if people of another colour were on it, or to refusing to eat somewhere of people of another colour were also eating. That is the level of racism we are talking about. It sounds shocking to most people but it is still present (although thankfully no longer that widespread) in parts of the country they come from.

I said I was not sure I would be able to promise to keep my tongue in those circumstances. DH understands it's a difficult situation but asked me to do so just this once, these people are his family, he would like to see them after so many years, they would like to see him, they are old and we will not be likely to ever see them again. Could I not just set my beliefs aside for a day or two, in the full knowledge that DH is as appalled by racism as I am?

Bear in mind that DH is a very isolated person, family-wise. His parents have been dead for many years, he is estranged from some of his family, and those he does have contact with, the contact is minimal. I still have both parents, and siblings (they live in other countries from me as well, but we are all very much in contact and see each other when we can). So basically I have family and a feeling of belonging to a heritage and background. He is completely cut off from his and I think that must be very difficult.

WWYD?

OP posts:
ShalomJackie · 04/01/2019 14:29

Maybe let them say but have agreement from DH that you are allowed to say those types of views/that type of language is not acceptable in this country. We need you to know this.

Nanny0gg · 04/01/2019 14:38

Do you actually live somewhere that is absolutely all-white? (Highly improbable)
So where on earth would you be able to take them without them causing enormous offence?

When you visit another country, to a great extent you follow the practices of that country. I think your DH needs to have a word before they come.

GhostSauce · 04/01/2019 14:42

Blimey, what country does that kind of thing still happen in?!?!

WellBHoise · 04/01/2019 14:43

Really difficult, as you couldn’t take them out and be seen to be associated with this behaviour of you were appearing to condone it. Depending on what county you live in, you could eat beaten up for expressing views like that.
You can’t gk out with people who refuse to eat in places with other people, that’s just, there are no words for it.
Do you have children? You can’t have that language around your children and then think it is ok. They will repeat it at school.

HoustonBess · 04/01/2019 14:47

Whether or not they visit you, they won't be able to stay in some kind of all-white exclusion zone in the UK unless they have a time machine back to the 1950s (and maybe not even then!)
I'd say let them come and be polite in pointing out when you find their views offensive. Don't change plans to avoid any multiculturalism. It might do them good to see they don't explode on contact with people from other backgrounds. Also is it possible they might have changed over the last few decades without your husband being aware?

Hadalifeonce · 04/01/2019 14:51

I would go with pps advice, if they say something, you gently point out that "that kind of language/attitude isn't acceptable in this country"
Hopefully if it's done in a quiet non judgemental way, they may take it in board? Here's hoping.

Lizzie48 · 04/01/2019 14:59

I agree with PPs that if you agree to have them stay then your DH needs to be upfront with them that any racist language won't be tolerated, and then keep pulling them up to it if they don't stick to it. At least that way your DC (if you have any) will be left in no doubt that you don't approve of it.

But how much will you be prepared to put up with racist language, if they don't respect your request? From what you've said, I don't think you will cope for long without throwing them out. (I know that's how I would feel too.)

Original poster
Sleeplessinthecountry · 04/01/2019 15:00

Answers to your questions:

No, I absolutely don't live somewhere all-white, quite the opposite, I live on the outskirts of a large multi-cultural city.
I suppose however that I don't have to go out and about with them, could just see them and entertain them at home. That is an option.

I do have children, the elder two are adults and would be likely to have exactly the same difficulty as me, but they are usually away at uni, so may not be here. The youngest is nine, and yes, that would be concern for me.

There are small pockets of countries where this still occurs, yes.

OP posts:
limitedperiodonly · 04/01/2019 15:00

I'd bite my tongue. That is not setting your beliefs aside. Though it might be worth pointing out practicalities to him - like how they'll have to let a lot of buses go past and take a packed lunch if they insist on their standards.

Original poster
Sleeplessinthecountry · 04/01/2019 15:03

Other question posed while I was typing:

It's possible they have changed, but knowing where/how they live and how little contact they have with alternative views, it is possible they have not.

The idea that DH is going to have some kind of word with them is what I was thinking too.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 04/01/2019 15:04

I believe Southern Europe (Spain, Portugal) is known for still being racist. I know that black footballers have struggled with fans making monkey gestures at them or throwing bananas.

Waddsup12 · 04/01/2019 15:05

If they go out & kick up a scene, you've got problems. Your DH needs to warn them that social norms are different here. Thereafter, there's not a lot you can do.

I'd entertain them in the house.

Original poster
Sleeplessinthecountry · 04/01/2019 15:10

Given the way they live, the fact that they have never travelled outside their country in their lives, their age etc, going out anywhere in the big city is probably going to be daunting for them anyway. I would be inclined to just entertain them at home if we do agree to have them (although what a pity to travel to right next to a big city you have never seen and not to visit it).

So I think my main worry is stopping myself from saying something at home...

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/01/2019 15:10

What if they say something offensive while you're out?

knittedjest · 04/01/2019 15:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Pernickity1 · 04/01/2019 15:12

I’d bite my tongue too if seeing these people is important to your husband. It’s only a couple of days - how many racist conversations can people have?!

The only caveat is if they say something really vile in front of your 9 year old I would calmly and briefly refute what they say to make it clear to your child that you don’t think what they’re saying is acceptable. Otherwise I’d let it go, you won’t change their views if its culturally entrenched, just ignore any racist comments, change the subject and try to pretend you enjoy their company for your husbands sake.

MrsMWA · 04/01/2019 15:13

Are they South African? If so, I think your DH may be under estimating how much things have changed if he never goes back. I am sure they will be fine and ‘behave’. I had people with these beliefs in my extended family but they are mostly dead now. I wouldn’t worry too much. Maybe you should educate yourself a bit more about how your DH’s home country is now and maybe visit.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/01/2019 15:13

X post with you Op.
I guess all you can do is play it by ear. Hopefully they will have changed! If not I wouldn't be able to keep quiet in your shoes.

MoltenLasagne · 04/01/2019 15:14

I honestly don't think you'll manage to bite your tongue. I've had this with old family friends visiting from SA and despite them being repeatedly warned that certain things were unacceptable I ended up leaving a restaurant in tears after less than an hour.

It's not so much what they say or do, it's their truly held belief that these other people are lesser and more like vermin than people - even if they'd somehow been polite they'd have managed to convey their disgust somehow.

Lizzie48 · 04/01/2019 15:14

I think racism still very much exists in the Deep South of the US as well, encouraged by the Trump presidency.

Bezalelle · 04/01/2019 15:16

In-laws or not, I honestly don't think I could spend time in these people's company. You're a brave woman, OP.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 04/01/2019 15:16

These things still go on even in the UK, I was down in Devon for Christmas and saw one of the locals walk out because the landlord had hired black bar staff.

I don't know the answer OP, I have similar issues with my partners family. They aren't from a different country however they're happy saying the 'N' word and 'C' word plus other things and we've had plenty of falling outs over it.

It's very tough because it is his family but what they say and do isn't okay.

Pernickity1 · 04/01/2019 15:17

Yes I thought South Africa/Zimbabwe too. Either that or Korea?

BMW6 · 04/01/2019 15:19

When visiting another country it is appropriate and polite to adhere to the customs of that country - if some aspects of the culture are not in line with yours, keep your opinions to yourself or don't go there at all if you are really offended by the social norms.

Your visitors are entitled to their opinion but they are not entitled to be offensive in public. They may even be in danger of committing a hate crime, and I am sure they would not like to be arrested on holiday!

Your DH needs to make this crystal clear to them. They can say what they like if they are not overheard, and your DH should also stress to them that you would be offended by racism expressed in your company, so they should be polite and respect your home and your country.

Juells · 04/01/2019 15:19

if your DH has warned you about their racism, could he not warn them that the culture where you live is not accepting of racism? The guests should modify their behaviour, not the hosts Confused

Is it SA? I've met some corkers from there.