Son wanting to be professional footballer

[eco1636]

DS is 9 and wants to be a pro footballer when he grows up.
He's in the Bs and not that quick, and DH decided yesterday on a long car journey to tell him that he and his best friend "don't have a hope" of ever being good enough.
I turned to look at DS who had been pratting on, and he was crying quietly and body language crushed. So I climbed into the back with him and gave him a big hug and said he's got to have a dream.
DH said he doesn't want to raise a snowflake and refused to soften the blow.
I'm pissed off at how DS did this and also about how OTT he went about Father Christmas whom DH shoves down their throat making them believe in him lock, stock and barrel. I'm softly softly on everything, putting the ball in DS's court to make his own mind up about things.
AIBU to be bit gutted with DH?

I note the opinion
"The husband has no business saying anything. If he isn’t good enough to make the grade he will find out soon enough without finding out that his Dad is a bit of a twat at the same time."
"Finding out soon enough" is not a happy experience for 9/10/11 year old boys in the world of competitive football. The poster SonEtLumiere is not speaking from a position of knowledge.
At least if the boy were to be ambitious to be a doctor/astronaut/whatever, he would find this out "soon enough" at the age of 17, or 18, or later.

XH played in the high school third team until he was in third year (aged 14 in Scotland) At 15 he signed for a Scottish premier league club, at 17 signed for an English Division One club, and at 20 got a Scotland under 21 cap.

Sadly at 22 he broke his foot (still first division England) and played part time for some lower league Scottish clubs before retiring on a free transfer at 24. even more sadly for me I was a WAG but a WAG to a part time third division player

What he didn't have in talent he made up for in determination.

I think your husband is right. No use gilding the lily and giving ridiculous platitudes about being able to be anything, if they want. Children need to learn and cope with reality. Children need to experience disappointment in order to develop resilience. He’ll get over it if you don’t indulge him too much.

In the meantime he can work on his skills. Run an hour a day. Practice ball skills for an hour a day. Start healthy eating. If he’s got make it as anything much, he’ll need to learn drive and determination.

@CherryPavlova

I couldn’t agree with you more.

There was no need for that at 9. A simple ‘it takes a lot of hard work, are you willing to put it in? And even at that many excellent players don’t make it’ and then as the OP said, discussing other potential roles in the football world and saying ‘if you really want to be in the football world you will get there’. The dad was really shitty. Really shitty. I feel sad now.

*If someone who knows me tells me I am shit at something then I give up.

Really, even if you enjoy doing it*

Yes because it would have taken the shine off it.

Age 9 is way too young to be told this! My DS didn't even play sport in primary school, other than mini rugby with a Club once a week. Aged 15, he was playing rugby with 18 year olds on his school's Senior Rugby team and has since had several trials with a professional rugby team (current European Champions) for their Under 18s team. Show this to your DH! And good luck to your DS 👍

One of my DCs, aged 10 is showing some early promise as a swimmer. She’s strong, learns quickly and her butterfly technique is good. A few coaches have noticed and made comments about “watching her”. We have had chats about how becoming an elite swimmer is statistically very unlikely and how a lot of it, such as how your body grows at puberty, is out of her control. She knows that loads of kids train really hard and never even make the state teams.

All of that sounds really pessimistic and we’re not! Swimming is a pain because even at this age they need at least 5 training sessions/week and we’re supportive but she knows it’s for fun and fitness and to improve her times, not to be an Olympic athlete.

I think your husband is right. No use gilding the lily and giving ridiculous platitudes about being able to be anything, if they want. Children need to learn and cope with reality. Children need to experience disappointment in order to develop resilience. He’ll get over it if you don’t indulge him too much.

FFS he's 9. He has plenty of time to learn those sorts of lessons before he enters the real world. It would be different if he was 16.

What's wrong with a 9 year old having a dream?! Of course it's probably unrealistic but you don't say that, as said above tell them to work hard and focus. If they really want it and they have the talent then at least encourage them to try. If it happens great, if it doesn't then that's life. If it doesn't happen then they'll realize that some people have the talent and they don't have it in that area, they'll find their thing in something else.
A 9 year old needs positivity in such a negative world.

I don't think him saying it the way he did, in the car, was the most sensitive way to deal with it.

My DD11 plays football (I'm a rugby person but I indulge her because it's all she's wanted to play, ever). She wants to be a robotic scientist or maybe historian when she's grown up. Realistically, she is crap at football, she has special needs and cannot pay attention. I don't even know if she will get onto whatever degree courses she needs to be a robotic scientist. But we, and her school, are supporting her all we can so she has a chance. She definitely has no chance with the football but she's never expressed a desire to be a pro. She knows she's not top, she wasn't picked for the school girls team. But there's no way I'd be so blunt with her. It would put a spear in our relationship.

My dgs is 9 and wants to play for Everton. He is on school and local A teams and is apparently very good. He is also highly academic.
His parents tell him that if he tries hard he will be able to choose whatever he wants to be when he is older. I would hate to see him crushed. Your dh sounds so mean.

In a way I’m sad for your DH. He doesn’t realise what he’s done but his son will most likely always remember the crushed feeling his Dad caused him. It will stay with him subconsciously at least. Hurtful comments from our parents at this age do stick. Because of how your DH chose to cut down your sons dreams, your DH lost some part of his son today. He should have handled it very differently.

nolongersurprised
Your approach makes sense. It's encouraging and realistic. There's loads of support there but without the twee cliches of 'yet go you, keep working hard and who knows you might make it big'.

The more I've thought about this thread, the more I've realised that seems to be the approach of almost all the parents and students I've worked with who have children competing in things (sport/music/drama) at a high level or are on the verge of being able to compete at that level with specific training etc.

thrgreylady
But the more responsible line for his parents would be 'you've got some great opportunities in front of you, make the most of them. If you're training well and keep honing your skills then you increases your chances in a very competitive area. Remember that most talented footballers don't make it pro so keep other avenues open'.

'Try hard and you can choose what you want to do' is nonsense advice from them

My DD is nearly 10. She wanted to compete in the Olympics of her sport, which she is very good at and competes at at a good level. But, she is NOT going to make it to the olympics. The sport is such where you do know by this age if they have a chance of that, and she won’t. So I gently managed her expectations and now she knows this isn’t a possibility BUT I did it in a sensitive way and she, if anything, has worked even harder. I think it’s all in the delivery and how you deal with it, which from the sounds of the OP wasn’t very good by your DH.

Of course children should be allowed to have a dream but they do sometimes need a bit of reality too.

"don't have a hope" of ever being good enough - that is the bit that would really p*ss me off if my DH had told my DD that. AT 10 DD said she wanted to play hockey in the Olympics AND netball in the Commonwealth games for England - at no point did we ever tell her she would never be good enough! We explained that it would be impossible to do both, and that it was very hard to get to play at that level for any sport (even if you are potentially good enough), but give it a go, see what level you can get to, enjoy it and go for it. She realised by aged 13/14 that she wasn't on the right pathway to get to that level and didn't have the mental toughness needed, but still believes in herself and is aiming to play the highest level she can. (she is now 15). I'm hoping she can get to play National League level, but even if she doesn't, hopefully she will play for a long time to come (as both DH and I do (did). Children need to believe in themselves and they need to know that you believe in them.

Perhaps the children whose parents told them they could be anything they wanted if they worked hard enough might grow up to resent their parents, when they realise just what a twee and untrue platitude it was

As a parent I have told DC they can do anything they want but also backed it up by saying if they work hard and put the hours in. Nothing in this life is free

As they are now late teens. They actually see their peers who had parents who stopped them from pursuing careers and actually thank me for saying they could do anything and everything.

So certainly don't resent me or think it was a twee untrue platitude

I agree with pp's: it's how your Dh told him, that was too harsh.

But like posters said, you don't want to crush children's dreams, but you also need to be realistic and truthful: I agree with the posters who said that A level students appreciate honesty that they aren't going to get an A, but might/can strive for a B.

You can't have all these kids thinking that realistically they are going to make it as professional footballers or you tubers.

They need to just enjoy doing singing/football/rugby/gymnastics for the enjoyment. Of now. Enjoying it fur what it is, right now, rather than thinking it's going to take them somewhere.

Because it probably won't take them anywhere. Or only success for the 0.01%

And the poster who said their life is strict, regimented, the club need to know where they are every second, for possible drug test, is spot on. No.... going to a family party, or having a beer with your mates. Because it's already been calculated that you only need 0.74 of protein, from chicken today, to meet nutritional ......

No one dreams of being a team manager, IT support desk? Well they probably should!!

It's all a question of balance.

Your son wasn't crying because his dream of being a professional footballer was broken, he was crying because he realised at that moment his Dad, who I'm guessing is the single most important adult male in his life, has told him, in no uncertain terms, that he does not support him and does not believe in him. That's a really shit thing to do to a 9 year old.

I agree. This is the problem.

It's appalling that an adult man would refer to any 9 year old boy as a snowflake, let alone his own son. Your DH's role is to nurture and support your DS. The footballer aspect of this is a red herring. There are hardly any boys who don't want to be a professional footballer. They grow out of it.

His parents tell him that if he tries hard he will be able to choose whatever he wants to be when he is older. I would hate to see him crushed.

With him being lied to like that, he's going to be crushed. You're just delaying and magnifying the crushing.

As a parent I have told DC they can do anything they want but also backed it up by saying if they work hard and put the hours in. Nothing in this life is free

But many things in like are impossible to achieve for many people. Why tell them that with hard work, they can do anything they want, when it's just not true?

Hard work won't make you taller. If your son wants to be a pro basketball player, and his dad is 5'3 and mum is 4'11, it ain't happening.

craft my parents instilled in me the idea that I could achieve great things providing I was willing to work hard.....I had dreams of being a professional dancer and that was encouraged but not at the expense of academic studies. An injury at 16 meant that dream ended but I had back up plans. I'm now a successful academic who teaches dance in my spare time. Thankfully my parents encouraged me and at nearly 40 I still have a love of dance. I think they could have been different if my parents behaved the way the op's DH did.

As I mentioned earlier at aged 9 young people are still in the fantasy stage of career planning. It's perfectly normal for children at this age to say they want to be footballers, singers etc. At this age they have been exposed to such a small selection of jobs and careers that they have very narrow points of reference.

At 9 it should be pretty clear he doesn't have a hope.

Why lie?

Many, many boys use a love of football and their wish to be a footballer to turn away from education. A football dream can be very negative for boys educationally.

Your DH may have been harsh and clearly you need to look at other careers involving football but it is better than encouraging something he will never achieve.

But there are ways of delivering that message. When I was a careers adviser my job entailed injecting realism on a daily basis. It can be delivered in a way that doesn't harm a young person's self esteem.
At 9 years old a child doesn't have a wide range of career knowledge to draw upon. It needs to be handled far more sensitively.