Son wanting to be professional footballer

[eco1636]

DS is 9 and wants to be a pro footballer when he grows up.
He's in the Bs and not that quick, and DH decided yesterday on a long car journey to tell him that he and his best friend "don't have a hope" of ever being good enough.
I turned to look at DS who had been pratting on, and he was crying quietly and body language crushed. So I climbed into the back with him and gave him a big hug and said he's got to have a dream.
DH said he doesn't want to raise a snowflake and refused to soften the blow.
I'm pissed off at how DS did this and also about how OTT he went about Father Christmas whom DH shoves down their throat making them believe in him lock, stock and barrel. I'm softly softly on everything, putting the ball in DS's court to make his own mind up about things.
AIBU to be bit gutted with DH?

I would expect a 9yo to know that a B-team player hadn't got a hope of being a professional footballer.

It does sound as if DH was extremely blunt, but the basic message was not wrong. Some A team players might get scouted for elite training and then a tiny proportion of them might move on to professional club training.

At which time, it becomes terribly ruthless and boys apcan be dropped from squads on no notice.

Letting go of a dream gently and in his own time would have been preferable. But I think that now he is as old as 9, and the window for being picked up for junior programmes is rapidly closing and he isn't remotely close to the standard, the important thing is that he lets go.

So I hope you can support him in coming round to the thought of enjoying playing footie just for fun and maybe with a club. And looking for ew things to try, that might kindle a new spark. Maybe even one that could ignite into a career he can be passionate about.

Your dh has been horrible imo. My ds also wants to be a professional footballer and he’s decent but obviously unlikely to be one of the tiny minority that end up making a career of it. I’ve told him that even if he doesn’t end up playing for a top club there’s other ways he can pursue football as a career - as a coach for eg and he can always play as a hobby whatever and who knows if he works hard he could be one of the lucky few. Surely if your child is really interested in something and motivated you would encourage them to do the best that they can not basically tell them there’s no point!

If he’s willing to put the work in on his fitness and skills multiple times a week and put the practice in there’s no reason why as a short term goal he couldn’t aim for the a team.
It’ll be good for his health if nothing else and he may find other sports he has a more natural talent in that he wants to pursue. He’s still young.

If he's not playing for an Academy by the age of 9 he's got a very slim chance football is cruel and hard to turn pro but I would have told him a bit more tact.

northernmonkey that is so untrue, it really is
A huge number of 7,8,9 year olds are dropped as soon at u10 level and are never picked up again
Similarly at DS2 academy the u16 squad has 2 players that were there aged 8, 3 aged 11 and the rest were 13 and above
16 is when the academy’s offer scholarships so they are constantly looking and trialling boys aged 14 and 15

It’s not a case of either telling kids they can do whatever they want if they work hard or that they don’t have a hope of doing the job they want to do. There is a middle ground. I’ve managed to convey to my child that it’s very rare for even talented footballers to be able to do it for a job without upsetting him. It’s the way the dh went about it that was mean.
And why anyone would want to discourage a child from exercising when so many are obese is just baffling.

Tantrums, quite possibly the more recent arrivals are from other academies though. I mean presumably if Man Utd chuck you out you can give Rochdale a go? Or does it not work like that?

Ime from knowing a few academy players it’s hard to tell if a player is good age 9 and a lot do get dropped. The best 9yo players tend to be the tallest and most developed. As they go up the age groups and end up competing with players of a similar size is when you see who is genuinely talented.

What about the story of Jose Mourinho? He was dropped at 15 y.o. for being too slow. He worked hard at school and ended up studying Sports Science. He did the Portuguese equivalent of PGCE and became a PE teacher. The school's football teams were shit hot and that's how he got noticed.

Whilst harsh your dp is probably right. However there's ways of saying it, it's not football but with my dd I've always said it's a long shot but someone gets lucky, I've ensured she has a full set of academic qualifications and actually she is taking a different path.

Craft1905 do you genuinely think that most people could be doctors?

I don't think OP is objecting to the message as such, more the delivery. Surely he should have said something about how difficult that is and how few people make it but working hard and getting into the A team is a brilliant goal for now.

My nephew wanted to be a footballer when he was 9. He played for a local team and like your son, wasn't that great bless him.

However, his parents, not anyone else crushed his dream! We all just said that he should keep enjoying his football and working hard at school to have as many options as possible.

By mid secondary school , he had worked out himself that it wasn't going to happen and focussed on other career options. He still enjoys playing football now that he is 17 but realised it's a hobby.

When I was a little older than your DS, I desperately wanted to be a policewoman. I did some stuff through school with them and was so passionate about it. My parents however, were not! They are law abiding people and have nothing against the police but didn't want me to do it because of the dangers. They went on and on and eventually, I was so fed up that I didn't apply as I had no support

I am 32 now and it remains one of my biggest regrets and something I do resent my parents for!

Nor anyone, rather than not anyone

I disagree with most.
But there are ways and means of telling someone!! At 9, or definitely by 10 most know who are the fastest and best. It's the kid who wins all races at sports day, wins cross country, wins everything.

By 9, scouts have the best kids, already playing for Chelsea, QPR etc.

Ds2 meets these boys, when playing for the school football team. And we all recognise them. Because they are streets ahead of our kids, who are playing in their local teams. Are we are top of our league!! But these kids are in a different league, literally.

Oblimov at 9, DS was maybe the 4th or 5 best runner out of the dozen in his class at primary. At 12 he thrashes everyone in his year at sports day; would win everything from 100m to 1500 if allowed to enter them all. Won the school cross country by about a minute and a half. I'm not sure how a kid is at 9 is a great guide.

Plus I think one has to be realistic. That's not being a 'snowflake'.

My close friend is married to a premier footballer. And my god-daughter is married to a different premier footballer.

It's a different life.

We talked around the topic when our 9 yr old DS said he wanted to be a professional football player. About the different clubs from premiership to lower down leagues. How few players there are in the top teams. All of this ticked around in his brain to realise very few make it to the very top.
So he now wants to be a you-tuber 🙄

YABU I think.

My only criticism is in the way the message was delivered. altiara described a better way.

In general one of the reasons why I think this country underachieves is too many children having ambitions 'to be famous' in one of a few activities (football, model, reality tv star to given some examples), instead of something more suited to their talents and skills.

I’m in the 9-is-too-late camp, unfortunately. Maybe there are exceptions for children who are incredibly talented and have somehow slipped through the net but it’s unusual. My brother is a professional footballer and has been “training” since 3 (obviously it’s just kicking a ball around at that age but he’s been in some sort of organised football class since then) At 9 he was playing in leagues and being scouted for the youth teams of championship/ premiership clubs. It’s one of those things where the younger you start, the better. And of course a huge chunk of it is purely down to talent.

If it helps, the reality isn’t that good. He’s well-paid for his age (although certainly not the levels you hear about in the papers!) and I think he likes the status that comes from it, but his life is so limited. He has a curfew so he can’t go out as much as his friends, he’s told what he can and can’t eat/ drink, during football season he has to tell his club exactly where he is at all times in case they pick him for random drugs tests. And, of course, there’s always the fear that it will come to an end. He’s constantly injured- recently escaped needing spinal surgery. Contracts are short and clubs are brutal. I really do worry about what will happen when his career comes to an end. He’s spent almost his entire life working up to this, it’s his whole identity and one day it’s just going to be wiped out. Then what will he do with no work experience and few qualifications?

Your DH was harsh though. I like the perspective of a PP who said they kept the interest alive until their child realised for themselves that it wasn’t a realistic goal. Definitely encourage his love of football but maybe discuss how difficult it is as a career- both to get into and to maintain

I know a child who despite not being able to sing a note said she really wanted to do singing as a career. It was always something the child had said she wanted to do.
At 9 her dm pulled out all the stops. Singing lessons, dance lessons, acting lessons.
After school everyday. All day Saturday and Sunday.

By the time she was 12 she was doing a West End musical, all be it a very very small part. Now she is predominately an actress but still holds out hope that one day she will get a singing role. She has a great voice.

At 9 this child had a voice that could crack concrete so by those that say you know what your child is capable of at 9 so it is perfectly acceptable to crush their dreams then I wonder what would have happened to this child if her mother had turned round and said to her dd that she couldn’t be a singer as she couldn’t sing a note. Rather than saying ok but it is going to take a lot of hard work and effort but you need to be able to sing move and act as well so lessons start next Monday.

From what I have seen over the years, the ones with natural talent tend to take that talent for granted and puss it away.

Those that work the hardest tend to be the luckiest

Piss not puss

My nephew was scouted (if thats the word) at 14. He now plays for his country's U17 squad. Not the UK but another serious about football European country.

Your DH uses the word "snowflake" as an insult. That alone makes him an idiot, before you even consider what he did.

Sounds a real charmer.

Even the players who weren't with academies at 9 will have shown exceptional sporting ability by this point even those with exceptional talent (most skillful in the school etc) have a vanishingly thin chance. It's fine to let kids know that very very few of even the best players can make a career of it and that thryd need to be training every day etc. But you can do it gently and let them know there's still value in loving the sport if you're not pro, and other tangential careers (Eg coaching, physio etc) that you could consider. There's a difference between encouraging enthusiasm while deflecting it and completely crushing it.