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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son wanting to be professional footballer

212 replies

eco1636 · 04/01/2019 12:56

DS is 9 and wants to be a pro footballer when he grows up.
He's in the Bs and not that quick, and DH decided yesterday on a long car journey to tell him that he and his best friend "don't have a hope" of ever being good enough.
I turned to look at DS who had been pratting on, and he was crying quietly and body language crushed. So I climbed into the back with him and gave him a big hug and said he's got to have a dream.
DH said he doesn't want to raise a snowflake and refused to soften the blow.
I'm pissed off at how DS did this and also about how OTT he went about Father Christmas whom DH shoves down their throat making them believe in him lock, stock and barrel. I'm softly softly on everything, putting the ball in DS's court to make his own mind up about things.
AIBU to be bit gutted with DH?

OP posts:
DowntonCrabby · 04/01/2019 13:16

Your DH is a prick.

gwenneh · 04/01/2019 13:17

He's 9. He wasn't asking to drop out of school and pursue football full time, FFS.

He will learn his skills need to improve because his own progression in the sport will be limited by his ability. And then you'll find out if he has the drive to make it happen for himself or not -- drive can stand in for a lot of natural ability.

Either way, his own skills and abilities will be what limits him, he didn't need your DP's "help" on this.

SaturdayNext · 04/01/2019 13:17

Anyone who uses the term"snowflake" as abuse is showing themselves up as a bit of an intolerant, unimaginative idiot. Using it about your own child is really offensive. As you say, at 8 any child is allowed to dream.

For years I was definitely going to be a famous actor. Eventually I realised just how impractical that was all by myself, I didn't need my parents to stomp all over my ambitions at the age of 9.

brizzledrizzle · 04/01/2019 13:18

YANBU, your husband was very mean. My eldest DD loves tennis and when she was younger she wanted to get to Wimbledon but it was obvious to me that she wasn't anywhere near that standard. I didn't tell her, i just encouraged her as I did in any sport and as she got older the penny must have dropped but she still enjoys tennis.

SushiMonster · 04/01/2019 13:18

At nine, I was going to be a professional artist. I have zero artistic trallen, albeit a lot of enthusiasm. Or maybe a poet, or an astronaut. Or a policewoman. Those were my future career expectations.

Did (at age 9) my mum tell me I was shit at art and to shut up about being an artist? No she did not.

Who the hell cruses a small child's whimsical dream? He isn't even choosing GCSE options yet!

missbattenburg · 04/01/2019 13:18

I'm reminded of a story Jenson Button told when he won the F1 World Championship. He remembers being in the back of a car after a race when he was a kid and hearing his dad say to his mum (I think) "I don't think the kid has it, I don't think he's fast enough".

TBF his dad clearly continued to support him in following his dream but it just goes to show... dad's can be shit gauges of whether or not their kid "has it" to make it big.

ShawshanksRedemption · 04/01/2019 13:19

Hmmm, I believe in being realistic but it depends on how that message is delivered. I think your DH could have managed the situation better by talking about other opportunities with sport.

I work with kids and some do think that they'll be professional footballers and you tubers so don't need to try at school and are dismissive of education as a whole. It's great to have dreams and work hard at trying to realise them, but even then hard work and dedication won't pay off for many and resentment can build. I've seen this first hand, it's an arrogance and sense of entitlement and then not being able to handle any disappointment. That kind of thing is a bit worrying, but I don't get a sense of that is what has happened here with your DS.

SushiMonster · 04/01/2019 13:19

i just encouraged her as I did in any sport and as she got older the penny must have dropped but she still enjoys tennis.

Exactly this! This is what GOOD PARENTING looks like!

MaisyPops · 04/01/2019 13:20

llangennith
The encourage but be realistic is the best approach (and the one taken by families with children in training academies for sports / arts etc).

There's no need to be an arse to children, but at the same time the 'you can be anything you want' line doesn't help them if they end up thinking that's a likely outcome (and can be more crushing later when they realise that they've not got what it takes)

mikado1 · 04/01/2019 13:25

JB obviously carried that memory with him.. I'm sure his dad felt pretty lousy when he announced it!! Yes, encourage. No harm in saying it's difficult etc as time goes on they'll see if they're being scouted etc, really no need to draw such a brutal diagram.

Mitzimaybe · 04/01/2019 13:25

Some extremely successful professional footballers weren't good enough when they were young. Jamie Vardy was told at 16 that he wasn't good enough. He played in non-league football until the age of 25. Then he was signed by Leicester and ended up winning the Premier League and playing and scoring for England.

Some others:
www.fourfourtwo.com/features/non-league-premier-league-how-earth-does-it-happen-fourfourtwo-hears-those-whove-done-it

Of course, this is the exception rather than the rule. But it's a reason why your son doesn't have to give up his dream yet.

Get your husband to watch the Eddie the Eagle film.

Original poster
eco1636 · 04/01/2019 13:26

ShawshanksRedemption - I do worry about this. How old are the children you work with?
DS has said he needs to know how to read, to sign his contracts! lol.

Hopefully the type of school he'll be in by Y9 will help him with careers advice and it will become plain what he can do and what he can't.

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 04/01/2019 13:27

Going against the grain here. My DS has been with a couple of professional academies age 6-8. They get picked up really young. We always told our DS the reality i.e. he should make the most of the opportunity while it lasts. Not to get his hopes up. He wasn't taken on at the end of U8s and was fine with it. It really is quite harsh in the world of football and I think they need to know the reality. It would be unlikely he will ever make it if he is not the best on his existing team. Once with an academy they get let go just like that via text/email with no apology. They do need to be resilient in life.

TeddybearBaby · 04/01/2019 13:28

People seem to take football much more seriously than other hobbies / sports. My daughter plays football and the atmosphere is lovely when we watch, all the parents chat to each other. And cheer both sides. Whereas when we watch my son it’s a bit hostile at times. It seems that everyone wants their son to be a professional footballer. Just mean it’s all taken a bit too seriously and there’s no need to kill a little kids dream. I’d be mad too!

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 04/01/2019 13:28

That is so mean of him. Why crush his dream, when he should be encouraging it. So he's in the B Team - why doesn't he use his energy on helping your son improve to move up, instead of putting him down!

SadOtter · 04/01/2019 13:29

He's an arse.

At 9 DS was adamant he was going to be a footballer too, DD was going to open a sanctuary in the woods and reintroduce wolves, bears, lynxes and wild boar to Britain. I told both of them that those were pretty ambitious dreams and they needed back up plans but never told them they weren't good enough.

JustABetterPlayer · 04/01/2019 13:29

I think sometimes we have to be realistic, if he hasn’t made it by that age he’s unlikely to make it. When it comes to sports the ‘you can do anything’ mantra is simply not true.

converseandjeans · 04/01/2019 13:30

mitzi I imagine Jamie Vardy would have been best on his lower league squad though.

haba · 04/01/2019 13:30

My DS had a dream of being an astronaut, but he has a minor physical disability which means he would never be accepted for training, let alone make it to missions. We have had to tell him this, because his disability is permanent and cannot be compensated for to the required standards.
We did it very gently, over many months, showing him lots of other options and careers related to space exploration/cosmology etc that he can explore. He accepts, and has come to terms with it, because it was handled in a positive manner. He wasn't "crushed" because we'd built up to it by giving him lots of information beforehand.
I think your approach would have been similar, and far less upsetting to DS. I hope he's feeling better about it soon Thanks
You can help DS by encouraging him to train, be in a team, keep improving, etc- this will improve his resilience, friendships, health, self-esteem etc even if he never makes it to footballer as a career, none of that will ever be wasted.

ralphi · 04/01/2019 13:31

very mean of your dp, and what does he know anyway? Is he by any chance a level 5 UEFA pro coach, or does he just enjoy watching a game or two? 9 is way way way too early to tell what the football future hold. A lot of the kids in academies at that age will not still be in academies when aged 14, and conversely some talents develop later. (There is a football player who turned professional when he was over 20, was never in an academy and was capped for Germany a few years back)

Craft1905 · 04/01/2019 13:34

All those terrible singers who we laugh at on X Factor, because they can't hold a tune in a bucket, are all the kids of parents too scared to be honest and tell their kid that they are crap singers.

9 is perfectly old enough to be able to see if you could make the grade or not, and perfectly old enough be told you'll never be a pro footballer.

My son was 8 when he was told. He outright asked if he could make it and hubby said "not a cat in hell's chance, you're worse than I was and I was pretty useless".

He knew the truth himself anyway, as a 9 year old will know deep down. He still plays for pleasure as an adult....and he's still hopeless!

Be honest with your kids. Especially if they ask you outright for an opinion.

Original poster
eco1636 · 04/01/2019 13:34

haba, that's the approach I'd like.

I said to DH that I wanted to be a ballerina when I was 9 and would have been crushed if my parents said I wasn't good enough. DH responded - "well you could have been, you just didn't try hard enough".

He's just in a bad mood, ime!

OP posts:
TooLittleTooLate80 · 04/01/2019 13:37

I thought you were going to say he was 15, has never had a trial anywhere and can't get in his school team in which case there may have been an element of truth to the comments but his current age is no age to write anyone's dreams off in something like sport.

Ability aged 9 is nothing. Plenty of players develop at different rates. Also at a young age there are physical factors to consider - despite skill being important, speed and strength is beneficial. Some kids get these attributes early then level off (but would therefore stand out aged 9) and some get them later in life and have a spurt then.

Also, what month was your DS born in? There's statistics across many youth sports involving physical attributes (it was first noticed in Ice Hockey in Canada) that the children born earlier in the school year tend to appear the better players at young ages as at that age even a few months can have a beneifical impact when it comes to speed, strength and height.

Parttimewasteoftime · 04/01/2019 13:41

My Dad told my brother this at a similar age he was crushed. I am older so remember it no he didn't become a footballer but is a very successful person.
My DS wants to play for Chelsea he trains keeps him very active which is great. We would certainly never tell him at nine he will never do it just as others said support encourage and inform him its a tough job.
Think your DH was being a bit rough do you think he ever got put down and he's trying to prepare your DS?

ballsdeep · 04/01/2019 13:42

Ask the majority of 9 year old what they want to be and the answer with be a footballer. Your husband is a Arse