Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son wanting to be professional footballer

212 replies

eco1636 · 04/01/2019 12:56

DS is 9 and wants to be a pro footballer when he grows up.
He's in the Bs and not that quick, and DH decided yesterday on a long car journey to tell him that he and his best friend "don't have a hope" of ever being good enough.
I turned to look at DS who had been pratting on, and he was crying quietly and body language crushed. So I climbed into the back with him and gave him a big hug and said he's got to have a dream.
DH said he doesn't want to raise a snowflake and refused to soften the blow.
I'm pissed off at how DS did this and also about how OTT he went about Father Christmas whom DH shoves down their throat making them believe in him lock, stock and barrel. I'm softly softly on everything, putting the ball in DS's court to make his own mind up about things.
AIBU to be bit gutted with DH?

OP posts:
BeefTomato · 04/01/2019 13:44

I think that it was really mean and unnecessary. It could put him off football altogether, and sport is such a positive thing especially teenagers. His dream isn't hurting him (it probably just drives him to be more active, which is great) and he would have gradually realised that it wasn't going to happen anyway.

I was a similar age when my dad told me that I couldn't be an astronaut because astronauts can't wear glasses and honestly there was no need for him to burst my bubble, I still remember how deflated I felt.

Allthewaves · 04/01/2019 13:44

That's harsh. Mine all want to be footballers. We tell them ok but you need a profession and qualifications too and give examples of footballers who have trades or skills. Also it's easy to get injuried so they need back up.

Dontcarewhatimdoing · 04/01/2019 13:45

Your DH sounds nasty. I've had similar conversations with my DS, who at 9 wanted to be a professional football player. At 11 he still does, but we've had conversations about how few people make it to the top, so he's now decided he is going to be a scientist too, and play for our local team if he's good enough. The good thing about football is that he will always be able to be a football player if he wants, even if its for his local pub team.

eddielizzard · 04/01/2019 13:45

A much better approach would have been to say, that's great! Let's get you some extra practice and see if you can get into the A team. Encouragement and hard work is a much more valuable lesson. Let him go for his dream, now is the time to get stuck in.

My mum used to 'manage my expectations' all the time and I grew up thinking I couldn't do anything I wanted because I was crap. She was so so wrong. So wrong.

If your parents don't have faith in your abilities, that shakes you to the core.

PhilomenaButterfly · 04/01/2019 13:47

eco I was on a BTEC course with 3 players from Watford Reserves. Good clubs will always make sure that young players have backup skills.

BrokenWing · 04/01/2019 13:50

ds(14) wanted to be a professional footballer but realised in the last couple of years he didn't want to put in the hard work and wasnt really good enough!! We have offered to support him any way he wants throughout this time and would never have crushed his dream!!!! Your dh have been very unkind.

On the other side, one of ds's friends (also14) who wasnt great has really massively developed in just the last couple of years, physically and skills wise he just changed week on week getting better, and has just been scouted and signed on at the local professional teams youth programme.

Another was a brilliant player 3 years ago really stood out on the pitch, was scouted then dropped and is just an average player now.

Oliversmumsarmy · 04/01/2019 13:51

I hope you told Ds that dhs opinion didn’t matter and if you really want to do something then if you are willing to put in the work then why shouldn’t he have the same opportunities as others.

I have always told dc that they follow their dreams and if they are not as talented as others then they are going to have to work at it 10x harder than others and the rest is down to luck, who you know and being in the right place at the right time.

Absolutely awful what your husband said.

I want to know what he thought he would achieve apart from a child who now won’t be bothered at doing anything or aiming for anything because he will think he won’t be good enough.

I would seriously consider my life with someone that cruel and nasty.

Maybe he should tell the truth in everything he does.

Santa doesn’t exist

Male baby chicks are minced alive because they can’t lay eggs

and other such everyday horrors.

GabsAlot · 04/01/2019 13:51

crafta thats harsh no need to say it like that is there

theres a way of doing things if u want them to know the truth-but op dh is a hypocrite anyway harping on about santa

Gth1234 · 04/01/2019 13:53

Get the son to train hard, and make a success of it!
Out running every night. Practice ball skills. Join a football team.

IToldYouIWasFreaky · 04/01/2019 13:54

@converseandjeans

I take your point but I think your situation is different because your son actually had a decent prospect of becoming a professional footballer, or at least being on track for it and the right thing to do in that case is manage his expectations carefully so he doesn't end up being too let down.

For most kids, it's not going to be a reality but at the age of 9, there's no harm in letting them dream. They'll realise for themselves at some point that it's unlikely to happen.

My DS has been really into football since 5 and from the ages of 5 to 10 said that he wanted to be a professional footballer. I never told him he wasn't going to be but just said it would be very hard and the best thing to do was practice hard and play as much as possible. So, he played every Saturday since he was 5 and has been in a team from U9s. He's good, probably better than average for his age, because he's trained so bloody much! It was clear to me from quite early on that he probably wouldn't make it as a professional but he was loving playing and getting so much out of it.

Anyway, over the past year or so, he's started to lose a bit of interest in football. He's still playing but wants to try rugby and maybe switch to that. If you ask him now (he's 11) what he wants to do for a career, he'll say YouTuber, or personal trainer or video game developer or some combination of those. Hmm He's just quite naturally outgrown the wanting to be a professional footballer phase.

Mulberry72 · 04/01/2019 13:55

My DS is 12 and has exactly the same hopes, we’ve discussed it at length and gently explained that it’s still important to work hard at school and have a Plan B, which he wants to be a Sports Physio so still work within the sport.

Your DH sounds mean, 9 is still young and you don’t trample on their dreams like that, and it’s nothing to do with being a snowflake!

beenandgoneandbackagain · 04/01/2019 13:55

Your husband is a dick.

I know someone who didn't take up a sport until University and went on to win World Championships and the Olympics. I'm not saying that is going to happen to your son, but encouraging anyone in their dreams is not wrong, and there are ways to be realistic and still be supportive.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 04/01/2019 13:56

Um, yes, a bit. I personally think its equally mean to let a kid of 9 believe they can be a professional footballer as an actual job, unless they have literally already been scouted for a top team. If he's crying over this it sounds like someone has been unrealistic in building up his hopes.

Im sympathetic about the upset kid tho. Why not talk to him about the fact that not playing as a pro doesnt mean he cant enjoy it as an adult - playing on amateur teams etc, perhaps being involved in some way in a local club. Football is a huge business, i know of a few football mad blokes who've found a way to do related things for a living - one is a mathematician and works on football odds for a major bookkeeper, another got a finance role working with a championship club.

planespotting · 04/01/2019 13:59

DH said he doesn't want to raise a snowflake and refused to soften the blow.
I stopped reading here

wheneverythinggoestitsup · 04/01/2019 14:01

How mean!
I'm sure most little boys who love footballers spend this time thinking they are going to be professionals. But then they grow up and realise themselves that it is not feasible. No need to crush his dreams at such a young age, he will realise in his own time that he isn't good enough. And should always be encouraged to do well in school regardless.

Oliversmumsarmy · 04/01/2019 14:02

9 is perfectly old enough to be able to see if you could make the grade or not, and perfectly old enough be told you'll never be a pro footballer

I doubt you can tell anything at 9.

I know someone who couldn’t sing a note at 9 but was doing a run in a WE musical as a singer at 12.

Most people don’t have a natural talent for anything but hard work and practise make up for lack of talent.

If you aren’t good at something then for the majority of people lessons and practise and hard work gets you to the top.

You don’t expect to take A levels just by natural talent, football, singing etc are no different

floribunda18 · 04/01/2019 14:02

I think it was unnecessarily cruel to tell him he is a no-hoper and you will have to do a lot of work repairing your poor DS's self-esteem. In fact, if your DH is routinely that cruel I'd seriously be considering the future of my marriage.

You can introduce realism with perspective and facts- by letting them know how many professional footballers there actually are, and how many (a small number) of those are the real high earners, and that a lot of people continue to play football as adults while doing other jobs as well. He probably just loves the game and wants to play football all his life. Also talk about the routes into football as a career and how few lads get picked up by clubs.

Also a lot of lads are late developers, they haven't even begun their physical development at nine, so you don't know what his true capabilities are yet. What he should do is enjoy it, above all, especally at this age.

For the lads who are really good very young it is not always a positive thing, as they get picked up so young by the clubs, believe they have a future in football and are often discarded by the age of 14.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 04/01/2019 14:03

All these people saying encourage hard work....
There are a TINY number of professional footballers out there. All the hard work in the world will not get 99.99% of youngsters there and it might be to the detriment of focussing on more valuable skills.

Its not clear to me why anyone would present "football" as CAREER choice. Its just a game/hobby & statistically incredibly unlikely that a youngster will succeed at it even if talented.

Athena51 · 04/01/2019 14:03

That's awful of your DH and I'd find that kind of meanness very hard to forgive 'snowflake' my arse Angry

When my DS was 9 he wanted to be a train driver, footballer or a cricketer. I never told him that he couldn't do any of those things. I wouldn't have crushed him like that. He's a maths teacher now Smile

CaMePlaitPas · 04/01/2019 14:05

Tbh OP I don't think I could stay married to someone who uses the term "snowflake". Your husband was wrong to upset your DS, you don't crush the dreams of a 9 year old, did he get a kick out of it? Spiteful.

junebirthdaygirl · 04/01/2019 14:05

For goodness sake let him dream. I would just let him prattle on about with nodding at regular intervals and not giving any false hope.
My ds wanted to play for Man Utd all his childhood..All his school essays were about being called up/ saving the day etc. He kept a running commentary going in the garden where he was the chief goal scorer.
He was barely making the local, small town team.
When he was about 17 l said to him" when did you actually realise you were never going to play for Utd?" He said " what do you mean..l,'m still hoping!!!" He was joking but not entirely.
Let the poor lad dream on but l wouldn't make big deal about encouraging him too much or getting extra coaching etc. Talent will out and otherwise life goes on and he becomes an engineer.

espressotogo · 04/01/2019 14:05

If your DS is keen you should get him into a good local league team or send him to sessions run by local pro teams where he will be spotted if he has some talent. My DS was scouted by various teams and offered a contract for a pro academy team at the age of 8 he is now 10. Even if you are one of the few who get to that level, the odds of them getting offered a scholarship at the age of 16 are low and even less so of becoming a pro footballer. Our DS know this as we balance encouraging him and supporting him with being realistic just in case he gets dropped at some point. If that’s your DSs dream you can take practical steps to encourage and help him - most boys who get anywhere near the academy system realise what a long road it is .....

RebeccaWrongDaily · 04/01/2019 14:07

DS is in the childrens squad of a Championship team so has 'talent' and is hard working but realistically is not likely to make a living out of football. He knows this, it's our job to be realistic about this. Even though he has talent etc. We prefer him to be there than in one of the Premiership teams academies / Development programmes as they are brutal.
The big clubs are picking kids up at age 3 and dumping them regularly, Your son has missed the boat regarding being picked up at his age. Doesn't mean his dad has to annihilate him and his dreams though- We've told our son that his priority has to be working out how to manage to play football and balance the rest of his life and school work with that, and if that means less gaming then so be it. He's 8.

I had a boyfriend when I was younger who said he was going to be a popstar, he is. Things do happen to normal people, however sport is one that needs to be worked at and you'd need an aptitude for it.

beenandgoneandbackagain · 04/01/2019 14:08

I agree the term snowflake is terrible.

Your son wasn't crying because his dream of being a professional footballer was broken, he was crying because he realised at that moment his Dad, who I'm guessing is the single most important adult male in his life, has told him, in no uncertain terms, that he does not support him and does not believe in him. That's a really shit thing to do to a 9 year old.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 04/01/2019 14:08

"Hard work and practise make up for lack of talent"

Sorry - i just dont agree. Hard work and practise should always be the focus because they will always bring about an improvement, but alas, all the hard work in the world is often not enough for many skills. Football is a hugely competitive area and millions of youngsters globally work their socks off and fail to make the grade, i think its quite cruel to encourage a kid who's not amazing at it, to devote all their energies to something so unlikely.