Son wanting to be professional footballer

[eco1636]

DS is 9 and wants to be a pro footballer when he grows up.
He's in the Bs and not that quick, and DH decided yesterday on a long car journey to tell him that he and his best friend "don't have a hope" of ever being good enough.
I turned to look at DS who had been pratting on, and he was crying quietly and body language crushed. So I climbed into the back with him and gave him a big hug and said he's got to have a dream.
DH said he doesn't want to raise a snowflake and refused to soften the blow.
I'm pissed off at how DS did this and also about how OTT he went about Father Christmas whom DH shoves down their throat making them believe in him lock, stock and barrel. I'm softly softly on everything, putting the ball in DS's court to make his own mind up about things.
AIBU to be bit gutted with DH?

I doubt you can tell anything at 9.

Jeez, what is it with this constant infantilisation of children.

Of course a 9 year old can tell. DD has a disability and she is well capable of knowing what she is capable of being good at. She knows she will never be a ballerina, a gymnast or firefighter (all previous goals of hers). She wanted to be a Royal Marine and was sure she’d be the first female they recruited. She told me last year she knows she can’t do it because they have to be able to run fast and she will never do that.

OP’s OH was probably too harsh, but if a 9 year old on the B team still thinks he can be a footballer, perhaps encouraging him to assess his own strengths and weaknesses is a good idea. You don’t have to crush dreams, but having children set realistic goals for themselves is a great skill to encourage.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland
*All these people saying encourage hard work....
There are a TINY number of professional footballers out there. All the hard work in the world will not get 99.99% of youngsters there and it might be to the detriment of focussing on more valuable skills.

Its not clear to me why anyone would present "football" as CAREER choice. Its just a game/hobby & statistically incredibly unlikely that a youngster will succeed at it even if talented.*

Yes very true, but absolutely not necessary for a 9 year old to know? He'll grow up and find out himself. As long as no detriment to school work there's absolutely nothing wrong with encouraging them to practice a sport they love.

At 9 years of age he hasn't fully developed yet. His coaches should be aware of his capabilities. (coaches that have done their badges, so are more aware than your H) So will be encouraging him during training and matches and also telling him what to practice in the garden. They will not be filing his head with too much stuff. From ages 8-11 it is about developing the special awareness and positional senses.
As they grow older they become stronger and more intelligent football wise. Intelligence, decision making are equally important as physique and pace.
Do not also forget that professional football starts lower down than you think. it is not all about the premier league.
In the lower divisions players can earn money playing football but obviously not £100s of thousands a week. Semi pro's can be paid £250 a game.
As you have quite rightly pointed out, there are also other careers he can follow within sport.
Psychology, nutrition, sports science, physiotherapy, fitness coaching etc. There is also refereeing. The sport is short of referee's so at a later date this might interest him.
At this stage in his life, all that is needed is dedication and effort but with no pressure. It should be fun for him to meet up with teammates and join in the coaching games designed for someone his age.
He should not be discriminated against either for his ability, he should get enough competitive game time. (FA guidelines)
Good luck.
BTW your husband needs a red card :)
HTH's

I actually know two people who work in professional football. One is a player themselves and the other works in the physio side for the team. It isn't a completely unattainable dream to work in some area of football. There's nothing wrong with encouraging something slightly more realistic but still within your DS's interest!

Plus.. he's 9. Your DH was unnecessarily cruel.

A 9 year old wont still believe in father Christmas, your husband is being stupid with that one!.

He should be encouraging your son, not crushing him at 9, theres plenty of disappointments in life, he doesn't need to have then this early on.

Great post there noego

It was a bit harsh of your DH - he could have been a little more diplomatic.

DS played football from the age of 6. He was always in the crap team who never won any matches but he and his team mates loved playing so they just carried on with support from their manager/coach who never once told them that they were a pretty rubbish team - just lots of encouragement and kind words even when they lost 15-0.

Roll on 10 years and DS was scouted by 2 pro clubs. He wasn't interested. He was approached again a year later when he was 17 and he said he'd rather concentrate on school and passing his exams as he would much rather go to university. He still plays and set up a team with some of his uni flatmates as he enjoys it but he didn't see it as a career path. He has several friends who signed contracts with pro clubs at 7/8 and were then dropped at 16 with no warning.

Your DH has gone about it with very poor planning on to how to break the news.
I had to tell my ASC son that he would not be a pro footballer. He was about the same age, and he was at a point where other kids in his class had a strong idea about whether or not anyone was really good enough to go on to try out. We told him really gently, by pointing out that aspiring pro footballers have to get up and train every morning, and turn over all their spare time to football and he didn’t want to do that. However we also told him that we really recognised his passing for football and when we is 16 we’d send him on an FA Referees course. We als pointed out that there are lots of jobs in football clubs, such as physios etc and that he could maybe aim there. He’s 12 now and has lost interest in working for a club as he isn’t keen on the subjects needed.

My mum used to 'manage my expectations' all the time and I grew up thinking I couldn't do anything I wanted because I was crap. She was so so wrong. So wrong.
She didn’t manage your expectations then, she put you down and damaged your self esteem. There is a middle ground.

If your parents don't have faith in your abilities, that shakes you to the core.
Equally damaging for a parent to continually tell you you are wonderful and can be excellent when you really can’t. Because someone will be along to tell you at some point. Think of those X factor auditions where the 12 year old is pushed on to the stage with the parents gushing about how wonderful they are. Child wails through a Witney song and is shown the door. Those parents still insist those judges are wrong and will no doubt encourage that child to keep on, they can be the next Lady Gaga. A gentle discussion with the child confirming they won’t be topping the charts is far kinder.

I wouldn't say it to a 9 year old, but at the same time I'd tell him that very few are ever good enough.

I'd probably say it to a secondary school age child not noticeably talented, who was using that sort of excuse (anything involving fame and a lot of money) to neglect school work because they think they're not going to need qualifications.

IMO there's too much telling kids 'You can do/be anything you want.'
Yes, you can have a very good try, but however hard we try it's not given to many to be a professional athlete/pianist/singer/whatever.

9 is perfectly old enough to be able to see if you could make the grade or not, and perfectly old enough be told you'll never be a pro footballer.

Potentially very very harsh.

I feel like I now parents many parents one extreme or the other these days, and I'm not sure why that is. Either they're convinced their child is set to be an England international or they're pissing all over their dreams somehow. Usually because it's not THEIR dream for the child and they want to direct them towards something "more suitable" or, but more rarely, they were maybe thwarted in some way.

OP - did he even ask for his father's opinion?!

If not - he can frankly STFU until he is asked.

Yes, the world is harsh but frankly I reckon there are other ways and from more sympathetic adults running these groups that your son can find out if he's not suitable.

I would definitely address this with your husband - there will be moments you may have to intervene but your husband sounds like a bully.

Your dh was a bit tactless but at 9 your ds has to be realistic. If he hasn’t been picked up by an academy then the chances are very slim. My nephew aged 8 was playing in Man U academy. At the end of the term only two children were selected to continue (he was one of them but chose a different training route). My brother removed him from a different premiership academy because of the ethos. They are brutal and drop kids at the click of a finger.

At 7/8 my dd wanted to be a ballerina. We were blunt with her. Her physique, hypermobile but beautiful feet etc meant that was never going to happen and we told her so but also emphasised how doing ballet would improve her technique. She is now training to be a musical theatre dancer.

Is DH a failed rugby player? That was a bit nasty. My DS played rugby -the stars of the school team often had an early growth spurt but were small and slow by teenage. How tall are you DPs ?
DS could play in friendly or amateur teams all of his life and get great satisfaction from playing football, but not with discouragement like that.

Yabbers - agree.

Wheneverythinhgoestitsup - the whole point is that to give it as much effort as he would need to to pursue that dream, will mean sacrificing other things - it takes a huge amount. Maybe school work would survive but other hobbies probably wouldn't, friendships might suffer. just time spent on learning other things outside school would disappear - helping with chores at home etc. I wouldn't want a child to make all those sacrifices in pursuit of such a totally unrealisable dream.

My ds plays football and thinks he will one day have his name in the back of his shirt, the reality is most footballers are picked up by teams at 5/6 and even then they are harshly dropped when they don’t make the cut. My ds has a second job as an ice cream man lined up too because he still doesn’t understand that footballers are paid to do that and it’s not a hobby

I agree with PP that with all the hard work in the world OP'S DS is never going to be a pro footballer (although he'll be a better footballer and might enjoy and get lots out of his sport). That said there's no need to be so bloody cruel about it. You can point out very few make it and they have to train very very hard there are other careers etc but no need to completely crush a young kid.

By the way you don't avoid your child being sensitive by treating them harshly so they have no confidence.

Jeez, what is it with this constant infantilisation of children.

Infantlisation means treating someone as if they were a child.

A nine year old is a child.

What is it with all this constantly treating a child as if they were an adult? The world is not in need of any more cruelty.

By the way you don't avoid your child being sensitive

And what's wrong with a person being sensitive? The world needs more kind, sensitive people and fewer cruel bullies.

Rudgie and this is where I say my DSis believed in Santa until she was 13, and made a tit of herself in front of her school friends.

i have also never heard of a 16 year old being spotted at 16 by a premiership team. Ever. Certainly not in the UK in the past 20 years.
It would be impossible to be of premiership standard and not be spotted at any school or local club level, There are scouts, everywhere.

We have children in school who play for Blackpool, Bolton, Bury, Man City, Man United, Rochdale,Everton and Oldham. It's a primary school. The scouting network is on point.I find it really hard to believe that a 16 year old was never previously spotted.

At 9, DS1 was going to be the star pitcher and hit home runs for the LA Dodgers! Never mind that he couldn't pitch and couldn't hit the ball. He played Little League (he was a great fielder) through Jr High and enjoyed it immensely. One he reached high school, he realized on his own that he didn't have the talent for a career. He's in his 30s now, and still plays ball on adult recreation leagues and is an avid Dodgers fan (as am I!). Still can't pitch, but he no longer clutches at the plate. Don't kill the dream. Even if it isn't realized, it can lead to a life long love affair with the sport that is fulfilled in other ways.

The other angle I see here is yes, its great to encourage kids dreams but what if that means they miss out on discovering things they are really talented at? A friend at school was desperate to be a singer but was genuinely terrible - tone deaf. A relative made her aware of this - after the initial upset, it opened her eyes to reconsider other hobbies. She returned to a previously neglected hobby, horseriding, was excellent at it and has made a successful career in an equestrian field.

I doubt you can tell anything at 9.

Pretty sure there have been posts on here before about similarly aged children being dropped from professional football programmes for them not having the talent, and the parents asking how to break it to them or to encourage them to keep going or move onto something else.

I'm also pretty sure plenty of professional scouts and training programmes can determine at that age whether it's any use continuing, they build their living off of it. The husband sounded blunt, but if you're at that point, he's probably not wrong about it.

Your poor DC, I feel so sorry for him. I would tell him it's a load of rubbish and he can be whatever he wants to be he just has to work hard.

what's wrong with someone being sensituve

As a sensitive person myself there are pros and cons. Being sensitive to other people's feelings is great, being over sensitive to knock backs (which I assume is what OP'S DH meant by 'snowflake') is not good.