Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel the first date?

137 replies

onlinedating123 · 04/01/2019 09:08

I’ve been chatting to a man on OLD for over a week, we have a date arranged for this evening.

He seems like a lovely man, he has had one long standing relationship that last for 7 years. We have a lot of similar interests and outlooks on life, wanting to settle down, both enjoy the same hobbies.

He has a good career - used to be a paramedic, now works as a carpenter - but he left school at age 11. I didn’t pry and ask why. Then he told me he has no contact with his parents. Again, I didn’t pry and ask why. I suspect the two might be connected though.

AIBU to see these as red flags? Especially the leaving school at 11. We are both early 30s so not really of a generation that could/would leave education at that age. I also have 2 DC. I am not sure whether to cancel or just to ask him about it tonight and see what he says.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/01/2019 09:20

Has he explained where he went after leaving school at 11? I would definitely want to know why tbh.

I have no experience with OLD but is it normal to meet to someone after chatting for only a week?

Trills · 04/01/2019 09:22

is it normal to meet to someone after chatting for only a week?

Yes. Not only normal but advisable. No point wasting time chatting to someone for weeks and weeks and getting emotionally involved in your head and then meeting them and they smell funny.

NCforthisthread19 · 04/01/2019 09:23

I don’t think leaving school at 11 is an indication of anything considering the careers he has had since- maybe he was in foster care, moved around a lot etc. Could just be too personal to divulge having not physically met someone. I would go with an open mind. But if you aren’t ready to date then I would cancel

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/01/2019 09:23

Grin fair point Trills

Original poster
onlinedating123 · 04/01/2019 09:23

I didn’t ask about why he left school at 11 as he told me quite early on in the conversation, and it didn’t feel right to pry. I probably should have!

I have a degree and a career with said degree so it’s a totally different situation to my own.

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 04/01/2019 09:25

Always trust your gut with OLD. I'd have asked why he left school at 11. I'd be intrigued as to how he became a paramedic with no high school or college or did he get qualifications as an adult. And why give up to be a carpenter? I'm nosey though and ask lots of questions in general. I wouldn't cancel but I'd be asking those questions.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/01/2019 09:25

Surely he would still be in school though even if he was in foster care or had moved around. It's very unusual for an 11 year old to leave school and that be it.

MiniCooperLover · 04/01/2019 09:25

Don't cancel but do ask the questions.

Chickychoccyegg · 04/01/2019 09:27

seems strange, how did he manage to go on to be a paramedic? I take it he went back into education at some point ? I would.need to know why and what he did after he left

TinkerSpy · 04/01/2019 09:27

Why would him leaving school at 11 and being NC with parents be red flags? And comparing his education with yours 'I have a degree...so totally different situation to me own' Are you generally quite judgmental?

That's what IRL dates are for, to get to know each other.

Original poster
onlinedating123 · 04/01/2019 09:27

He said he stopped being a paramedic because he wanted to earn more money, so became a carpenter, but would like to return to being a paramedic one day.

I honestly have no idea. Not sure I can really text him out of the blue, mid conversation and ask now either Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
onlinedating123 · 04/01/2019 09:29

It’s not that I am judgemental. I just value education and when he said it, it was quite flippant and he also laughed about it (hard to deem intent over text message though!)

OP posts:
CardsforKittens · 04/01/2019 09:29

My experience of OLD was very brief (I got lucky) but yes, a week is about right I think. No point chatting online for months and then finding there's no chemistry in person.

I would meet but I'd want to know more about the leaving school at 11. Paramedics need to have had formal education so there was something in this gap - maybe home schooling, which might also relate to the NC thing.

And I'd be on the lookout for any red flags -as is sensible anyway.

On the other hand, if your instincts are telling you not to meet, you should trust them.

Maelstrop · 04/01/2019 09:34

How cou.d he possibly be a paramedic when it takes years to qualify and you need basic gcses at a minimum? If he's only 30, he's somehow managed to qualify as a pm, then become a Carpenter, presumably this means an apprenticeship, normally at least a couple of years?

TornFromTheInside · 04/01/2019 09:35

He may have quit school at 11 but doesn't mean he stopped being educated. He might have been taught at home, he might have been taught in a range of other institutions (not necessarily bad / criminal ones).

It would have thought it's an absolutely normal question to ask (not because you suspect something bad) - 'oh left at 11 - that's unusual, tell me more?'

Is he English? he might come from a country there leaving school that young is (or was) the norm (13 in Morroco, but might have been 11 when he was a child).

Original poster
onlinedating123 · 04/01/2019 09:36

I definitely know the paramedic story is correct because he sent me photos of himself in his uniform.

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 04/01/2019 09:36

www.healthcareers.nhs.uk/explore-roles/ambulance-service-team/roles-ambulance-service/paramedic/entry-requirements-and-training-paramedic

This might be interesting to you. I'd say something doesn't add up with his story.

Original poster
onlinedating123 · 04/01/2019 09:37

No, he was born and brought up in the UK. I did consider home education. Then thought of the worst, PRU unit, criminality Confused

But then you wouldn’t be able to become a paramedic with that sort of background would you?

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 04/01/2019 09:38

You don’t need any specific reasons to cancel an OLD, if you don’t want to go then don’t feel guilty about it

mansneverhot · 04/01/2019 09:38

I think cancelling a date because you "value education" is a bit judgemental tbh. You probably won't be a great match if that's your attitude. It's great that he's done so well with what sounds like a more difficult start to life. What choice would he really have had at 11 years old? It's possible he is from a traveller family, was homeless or experienced abuse - I don't see how you can hold that against a child which is what he was when the decision was made for his schooling to end.

Not all education comes from degrees and establishments, empathy and common decency for example can't be taught or proven with a piece of paper or letters after your name....

RebelWitchFace · 04/01/2019 09:38

Have you googled him?

The thing is, IF he was honest and you didn't want to ask more then that is not on him or a red flag.

veggiepigsinpastryblankets · 04/01/2019 09:39

People can come across as flippant about things that really bother them as a form of self defence. I recently failed an exam and if asked about it by most people I make it into a joke, but it's one of those things that isn't remotely funny at 3am when I remember how shit I am for wasting that particular opportunity.

No contact with parents...well I can't imagine a situation involving him leaving school at 11 that paints them in a good light. My DH has had no contact with his since before we met and based on what I know about them it is very definitely for the best that they aren't in our lives. (We've been together over a decade now so if the real reason is that he's an axe murderer and they're buried under his old patio I'm fairly certain I'd know about it by now)

If you don't feel comfortable then obviously you don't have to meet him! Just saying these aren't in themselves red flags.

Original poster
onlinedating123 · 04/01/2019 09:43

I don’t know his full name so can’t google him.

I think more questions need to be asked tonight to ascertain the reasons why. There could be a reasonable explanation, I just tend to jump to the worst conclusions.

Aside from those he seems really nice. His profile was properly filled in, lots of photos etc.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 04/01/2019 09:46

If he didn't have access to education after the age of 11 and has no contact with his parents from a young age, it is a sign that something very sad has happened in his life. If he still has managed to turn himself around, get qualifications and become a paramedic, that is a sign of how strong his own drive to succeed is. This are things to be commended. Someone having a tragic childhood is not a "red flag".

Hogtini · 04/01/2019 09:49

Perhaps he had an illness that meant he left school? He's done well to get an education afterwards.

NC with parents? Meh, how many people on here are NC or are told to go NC at the drop of a hat?

There's always more to a story it's just up to you whether you want to find out.

Swipe left for the next trending thread