To cancel the first date?

[onlinedating123]

I’ve been chatting to a man on OLD for over a week, we have a date arranged for this evening.

He seems like a lovely man, he has had one long standing relationship that last for 7 years. We have a lot of similar interests and outlooks on life, wanting to settle down, both enjoy the same hobbies.

He has a good career - used to be a paramedic, now works as a carpenter - but he left school at age 11. I didn’t pry and ask why. Then he told me he has no contact with his parents. Again, I didn’t pry and ask why. I suspect the two might be connected though.

AIBU to see these as red flags? Especially the leaving school at 11. We are both early 30s so not really of a generation that could/would leave education at that age. I also have 2 DC. I am not sure whether to cancel or just to ask him about it tonight and see what he says.

OP, if you're worried, ask the questions before you meet him and then, if you are happy that the answers add up, carry on with the meet.

I agree that the circumstances are unusual - so much easier to ask about. "What was the pm training like, how long did it take, did you have to take exams"... and carpentry, "Have you always been creative? Is anyone in your family in that line of work and took you on? What kind of things are you trained to do? Are you still training..."

Mmm yes...proceed with caution I’d say. It doesn’t add up to me...some pieces of a puzzle need to be filled in there if you’re so inclined to take it further. You certainly aren’t obliged to. if your spidey senses are tingling, call it off.

If he didn't have access to education after the age of 11 and has no contact with his parents from a young age, it is a sign that something very sad has happened in his life. If he still has managed to turn himself around, get qualifications and become a paramedic, that is a sign of how strong his own drive to succeed is. This are things to be commended. Someone having a tragic childhood is not a "red flag"

I agree with this.

I'd just ask him to be honest about why. You could cancel the date with a potentially great guy because your mind is working overtime about all sorts of dodgy scenarios that might not even apply.

But if it makes you feel better, postpone the date until you've chatted more to him about this.

Each bit of the story on its own is fair enough but altogether it doesn’t add up. However if you are only texting there is obviously a lot you don’t know.

Go on the date, meet somewhere public, tell a friend where you're going and just chat and ask him these things. If I met someone now (happily engaged to DP) I might mention I used to be a midwife and that's my degree but now I work in a different job because I was unhappy. I wouldn't however just volunteer I had severe depression and was bullied and left for my own sanity - not before the first date anyway!

I'd start by asking his name, which he hasn't offered.
If he was a young offender its unlikely that would urn up in a google search, but you could use Clare's Law.

Sounds like he is being upfront about his damage. This could mean he wants something serious and wants to be an open book. But with DC I would be super cautious in any case. I would meet him and ask the questions, then trust my gut. I would also always take it v. Slow with OLD and with DC already in the picture. FWIW.

I would go and ask him in person. You’re not obliged to see him ever again if you feel something doesn’t add up after that.

It sounds like he's made a success of his life in difficult circumstances. By all means ask about it sensitively but I definitely wouldn't cancel the date.

If you go, just keep it short and sweet. Don’t commit yourself to a meal and a whole evening. I would say that anyway but particularly here where you are not sure about him.

It's just a fact of life that people have to be more careful when they have young children.

I think women need to be cautious whether they have young children or not!

@Juells

EVERYBODY is entitled to be cautious, but there is a difference between being cautious, and judgemental and paranoid.

The whole point of a first date is to find out about each other and decide whether you want to see each other again. You can do this without having each other's life stories before you meet.

Dating is an exploratory phase, not a commitment. Dating is the time where you do your 'due diligence' and find out if this is a person you want to continue to get to know.

I really believe that this is where so many people fall down - in thinking they are 'getting to know' someone online, when all they are doing is getting to know their online persona, which may or may not bear a resemblance to the RL person. A week is plenty of time to talk - any longer and you are overly-investing in something that is mainly in your own head.

I would highly recommend going on a date, and asking these questions in person rather than via messaging. You can then see how he deals with it, if he is uncomfortable, if his body language matches his words etc.

Something I would be bearing in mind is that he has disclosed a lot of personal information to someone he doesn't know already. This could be a sign of either someone with very poor boundary function (and this could easily be due to bad childhood experiences), or of a sociopath (telling you personal info so you will do the same in return). Either way, I'd be looking out for signs of him trying to create false intimacy too soon.

But if you don't date, you'll never know!

I hope you enjoy the date, OP!

In order to be one a paramedic he would have to be quite intelligent, hardworking and focussed, and also a caring person.

I think you're being a bit judgy about leaving school at 11 tbh, why not go on a date and get to know him better?

There was a poster on here before Christmas who'd left school at about 11 (or13?). Her parents had get working in the family business and she was now no contact with them.
Aged 30 my DH had trained for two careers, one of which required extra studying.
Both those things together though?
That's going to be an interesting story.
my money is on him having been an ambulance driver but giving it up quite quickly

I’d go! You can find out for sure then. You’re only going on a date, not agreeing to marriage. You might be a bit judgey but I kind of think if education is something that you look for then so what, you know what you want. I couldn’t be attracted to someone that was tight or too serious. It’s just what I look for. Good luck!!

just value education and when he said it, it was quite flippant and he also laughed about it *

How judgemental of you. An 11 year old wouldn't have chosen to leave education themselves, this would have been down to his parents or carers.
He probably laughed it off because he thinks he shouldn't have to explain it to you yet, if at all.

Go on the date and ask him.

I’m 31 and currently studying for my masters but I left school at 15 without doing any qualifications - I’d actually barely been there for the previous two years but didn’t leave officially until the beginning of year 11. I have 2 GCSEs, I got both after leaving school. I then did A levels and went to uni in my 20s. I now have better qualifications than many but at 21 I had 2 GCSEs and a BTEC first gained at college. I still left school when I did though.

I suffered seriously mental illness throughout my teens with repeated hospitalisations, I couldn’t go to school. I was ashamed for a long time about my apparent failings and worked hard to equalise it once I got well. The fact one leaves school early doesn’t prevent them from getting other education, or being a good person who values the same things you do. You don’t know why he left school early, if probably wasn’t his choice, but it sounds like he has worked hard to get himself somewhere and based on the rest of your assessment of him why not get to know him a bit more?

Btw I was also pretty flippant about it for years, it was a cover because I was ashamed and often worried about giving the true story.

I'm baffled by people assuming that because he left school at 11 he then didn't have any education whatsoever? I work in the education sector where students of all ages complete access courses/go back to sit their GCSEs/A levels all the time.

Yes - it can be the sign of an amazing person who has overcome adversity and gone on to achieve remarkable things from their starting position.

But - yes, I would be seeing red flags all over this and be very wary. Plus, alert to the fact that the red flags can be strong indicators of someone who is absolutely charming and very skilled in eliciting protective feelings from others. Just my experience of growing up in a family of people who were substantially like this.

Yes it can be a sign he has overcome adversity in his life, and has come out of the other side a well balanced person. But equally it could be a sign of someone who is very damaged.

I had an ex boyfriend who had a very troubled upbringing (far less troubled that what this man has potentially described) and as a result, he was a very troubled man. He didn’t understand how to treat a partner, he was very possessive and emotionally abusive. Red flags all over that one.

I just won’t know until I give him a chance. I am going to go this evening but I am going to be on my guard, and ask the appropriate questions. I will report back for those invested

Hope you have a great time OP and that he's lovely