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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel the first date?

137 replies

onlinedating123 · 04/01/2019 09:08

I’ve been chatting to a man on OLD for over a week, we have a date arranged for this evening.

He seems like a lovely man, he has had one long standing relationship that last for 7 years. We have a lot of similar interests and outlooks on life, wanting to settle down, both enjoy the same hobbies.

He has a good career - used to be a paramedic, now works as a carpenter - but he left school at age 11. I didn’t pry and ask why. Then he told me he has no contact with his parents. Again, I didn’t pry and ask why. I suspect the two might be connected though.

AIBU to see these as red flags? Especially the leaving school at 11. We are both early 30s so not really of a generation that could/would leave education at that age. I also have 2 DC. I am not sure whether to cancel or just to ask him about it tonight and see what he says.

OP posts:
Qcng · 04/01/2019 09:50

Just go on the date.
You're obviously anxious. You can ask all and sundry in person.

If you're going out for a meal remember the proper checks, how he treats the staff, how he wants to split the bill, and if he drinks too much, good luck!

Juells · 04/01/2019 09:52

It could also be dramatic sob-stories to gain sympathy. How did he become a paramedic if not educated after age 11? Carpentry is a skilled job, did he do an apprenticeship? If so, when? Before or after training to be a paramedic? It all sounds very dodgy and unlikely.

MiddleClassProblem · 04/01/2019 09:56

So I don’t understand how he could be a paramedic if he left school at 11. Uniforms can be put on for a photo, they mean nothing. Maybe he went back later. It’s worth asking.

However, this didn’t ring alarm bells for you, just the fact that he left school very young and doesn’t talk to his parents is the reason. That’s crap that you are writing him off for potentially having a shitty childhood.

Sexnotgender · 04/01/2019 09:58

It’s a jump to assume he has zero education after he left school at 11.

Leaving school at 11 is incredibly unusual so something massive must have happened. I’d want to know what.

Just an aside, I nearly cancelled an OLD. No particular reason just got cold feet!

I’m soooo glad I didn’t as we are now married and expecting our first child any day now.

Be wary yes absolutely. But don’t necessarily write him off because of your preconceived ideas.

OliviaStabler · 04/01/2019 09:59

but he left school at age 11

Maybe, but that does not mean he wasn't educated somewhere else but not in a traditional school.

Thewifipasswordis · 04/01/2019 10:00

Erm to be a paramedic he would have had to go through a lot more extensive schooling Hmm so either he was an ambulance driver or he's full of bs one was or the other.

babybunny123 · 04/01/2019 10:03

Paramedic?, I doubt it. 3-5 GCSE's are required at good grades! Think he is having you over.

Loopytiles · 04/01/2019 10:03

Not red flags: you sound judgmental about him. It’s one date, not marriage!

A child not getting school education past 11 seems v unlikely to be their fault. Many people are NC with parents for good reason.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/01/2019 10:04

Has he told you how long he's been NC with his parents?

mumsastudent · 04/01/2019 10:05

re uniform maybe red cross /st johns ambulance volunteer rather than working

Greatorb · 04/01/2019 10:05

I think he'll be dodging a bullet if you cancel tbh.

MrPebbles · 04/01/2019 10:12

My DP kicked my arse at the Genius edition of Trivial Pursuit yesterday.

He left school at 16 with no qualifications. I on the other hand have multiple degrees and diplomas.

Education is not necessarily an indication of intelligence, ability, or character.

Besides that, this man had clearly had a tough start in life yet went in to "further" educate himself, and build not one, but two careers.

The only issue here is your anxiety and judgemental disposition. Go on the date, ask him the questions.

Juells · 04/01/2019 10:12

you sound judgmental about him. It’s one date, not marriage!

Nobody has to feel obliged to go on a date with someone if what that person says doesn't add up. One thing on its own could be overlooked, it's just so many things.

Left school at 11 - gosh, that's unusual
NC with parents - gosh, that's unusual
Became a paramedic - gosh, that's unusual for someone who left school aged 11
Now a carpenter - gosh, that's unusual to manage to have trained to be a carpenter as well as a paramedic

I'm not being critical of what he says happened in his early life, as a friend of DD's was in care from the age of 10, and forbidden contact with family, but had a normal education and continued to university. She's a lovely stable, well-balanced person despite early trauma. It's just that it all sounds a bit iffy. Prepared to accept that I'm being unfair, but I'd want more details before meeting up with someone met online.

HollowTalk · 04/01/2019 10:13

Don't you need a degree to be a paramedic nowadays?

I would go on the date just to find out what happened at 11 and to find out how on earth he became a paramedic with no education.

Juells · 04/01/2019 10:15

Greatorb
I think he'll be dodging a bullet if you cancel tbh.

God forbid that women should be careful of who they meet IRL following online conversations.

Purplecatshopaholic · 04/01/2019 10:16

Personally I would go and ask the questions you are asking on here - albeit in a conversational rather than confrontational manner - he might be lovely, or he might not - worth finding out though surely?

scarbados · 04/01/2019 10:19

Why not go on the date and ask the questions?

wannabebetter · 04/01/2019 10:25

Please go and ask the questions - then report back here as you've got us all curious now!! Grin

Greatorb · 04/01/2019 10:28

@Juells

Wtf are you on about now?

Juells · 04/01/2019 10:36

Wtf are you on about now?

You're insulting the OP - "he'll be dodging a bullet if you cancel" - for seeing inconsistencies in his story, and being cautious. Women are entitled to be cautious.

RebelWitchFace · 04/01/2019 10:40

Not knowing his full name before meeting him would bug me more than the background info. I get it though that it can be tricky to gather much info by text.

bbcessex · 04/01/2019 10:41

Is it unusual in OLD to not know his full name, OP,

I would have thought that’s a safety basic before you meet in person?

Sallygoroundthemoon · 04/01/2019 10:42

I'd go on the date and ask him. You haven't even met him yet so wait and see. If he's had a tough upbringing he won't raise everything at once. He might have been home educated, worked as a carpenter part time while training as a paramedic or vice versa. You just don't know. As for NC with parents how can that be a red flag when every other person on MN screams 'go NC' when their MIL or parent has stepped out of line. My DP is NC with his family and after 5 months the reasons are slowly coming out. It was just too painful for him to talk about when we first started dating.

Purplecatshopaholic · 04/01/2019 10:44

Please go - and report back - we are all agog with curiosity now!

shpoot · 04/01/2019 10:44

Think you mean "everyone is entitled to be cautious". Got a right downer on men haven't you @Juells?

OP he has had time to leave school at 11, study and train to be a paramedic and to then become a carpenter. Just ask him on the date how it all happened. Good luck!