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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cancel the first date?

137 replies

onlinedating123 · 04/01/2019 09:08

I’ve been chatting to a man on OLD for over a week, we have a date arranged for this evening.

He seems like a lovely man, he has had one long standing relationship that last for 7 years. We have a lot of similar interests and outlooks on life, wanting to settle down, both enjoy the same hobbies.

He has a good career - used to be a paramedic, now works as a carpenter - but he left school at age 11. I didn’t pry and ask why. Then he told me he has no contact with his parents. Again, I didn’t pry and ask why. I suspect the two might be connected though.

AIBU to see these as red flags? Especially the leaving school at 11. We are both early 30s so not really of a generation that could/would leave education at that age. I also have 2 DC. I am not sure whether to cancel or just to ask him about it tonight and see what he says.

OP posts:

TeddybearBaby · 04/01/2019 13:33

Have a great time 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼

Babycham1979 · 04/01/2019 14:26

I think he's had a lucky escape. Poor bloke.

Zucker · 04/01/2019 14:48

She's going on the date....where's the escape?

Mitzimaybe · 04/01/2019 14:57

We have a lot of similar interests and outlooks on life

Has that been all you mentioning something and him going "me too" or has he come out with things first? Especially the interests - do you have any evidence (e.g. FB) for them?

It's a good sign that he's prepared to be open about things like that from the outset but it is a bit weird. Just be cautious, don't be afraid to ask the questions.

sonjadog · 04/01/2019 15:00

Tbh, as someone with a less than ideal upbringing myself, I would see red flags if someone was asking me intrusive personal questions about my childhood traumas on a first date. So by all means ask him about his life, but think carefully about what you are asking and how you approach it.

Pachyderm1 · 04/01/2019 15:11

'I have a degree...so totally different situation to me own' Are you generally quite judgmental?

It’s not judgmental to acknowledge that, on a purely factual basis, having a degree is different to leaving school at 11

GraceMarks · 04/01/2019 15:14

There are details missing, obviously - it's highly unlikely that he would have been able to qualify as a paramedic if he really had left formal education at 11. I think you simply need to approach the date with the same level of caution you'd apply to any meeting with a man you don't really know - make sure you meet in public and someone knows where you are etc etc.

It's not the fact that he left education early or is NC with his parents that would concern me, it's the bits of his story that don't add up. Hopefully he will be able to fill in the gaps and all will be well, but there's a chance he could be a bit of a fantasist or, worse, a liar. Will look forward to your reporting back!

Bouledeneige · 04/01/2019 15:41

I don't really think these are red flags at all - OP can just find out his story and see what it means. He sounds like he's pulled himself up by his bootstraps. And what exactly is the red flag - he came from a bad or messed up family? Hardly a child's fault.

OP might not like him at all within 5 minutes so she's hardly marrying a child abuser by going on a date.

It sounds like there are a lot of people here who have never been on OLD and are very alarmist. Anyone whose done it a lot knows never to invite them to your house or go for a meal on a first date - that would be really painful with someone you instantly know you don't like. And yes let someone know where you're going.

I've probably been on 20 or 30 dates - a couple turned into relationships, some you just knew you didnt click with and left politely after one or two drinks. You just need to trust your gut. You cant know anything real about someone by endlessly messaging. And there are some good men out there.

KurriKurri · 04/01/2019 15:47

I'm all for giving people chances.
if I was to write down the story of my life it would sound like a bad soap opera with an unbelievable plotline !
But all the weird and nasty stuff that has happened to me has been because other people have done bad things to me, not because I am a bad person. I don;t have anything to hide, but I tend not to tell new friends all the details because it does sound fairly improbable and also puts them int he position of having to keep saying 'Oh my God - really ??'. But if anyone asks I am truthful and can easily account for everything in an open and honest way - there aren't any discrepancies in my story, or missing periods of time etc.

So I would ask him, he may well be someone who has had a rough start and has picked himself up and gone on to make a good life and career for himself despite everything - in which case good for him, he is to be admired.

But like others I would say be careful, if he has no real explanations for his circumstances, or seems to be ' thinking on the spot' to answer your questions, then proceed with caution. There is nothing wrong with being careful, your safety is what is at stake here, you are being asked to trust a virtual stranger - you are entitled to ask questions and assess the answers.

He may well be a very nice man who has overcome hardship, but people can write anything they like on dating sites and the amount he has done and the qualifications he would need would make me cautious.

Original poster

onlinedating123 · 04/01/2019 17:11

His dating profile was where he listed his interests etc. many which align with mine. So definitely no discrepancies with him just agreeing with what I’d said.

It’s just his upbringing is so different to mine which is what I am worried about. It may be he left formal school age 11, but continued education elsewhere. We’re meeting at 7 so I will ask whilst trying my best not to come across as a nosy bugger

OP posts:

shpoot · 04/01/2019 17:15

Have a great night. Let us know how you get on

ihatethecold · 04/01/2019 17:23

I actually feel sorry for this bloke.
Spanish Inquisition is coming his way 🙁

CheekyNandosForMe · 04/01/2019 17:31

He could have been a school refuser.
A friend of mine has recently gone back to college to get the basic qualifications he needed to get into paramedic school oop north this year.

OutPinked · 04/01/2019 17:31

I teach English in a college and have taught many students who left school with little to no GCSE’s. Some of my students only gained an English GCSE in their fifties. It’s not insane to think he went back to college in his teens to study again. Access courses exist for this very reason...

I wouldn’t consider the NC with parents a red flag at all. Just go on the date and ask the questions...

Lovethetimeyouhave · 04/01/2019 17:40

I don't think leaving school holds anything on intelligence. My dp left school at 11... he's incredibly smart, has self educated to in depth levels. I say go.

Beansandcoffee · 04/01/2019 17:43

He could have been home educated.

MiddleClassProblem · 04/01/2019 17:44

Just ask about becoming a paramedic. That’s obviously and interesting talking point. You can lead it to how he got into it, where he studied the ask if he went back to school etc.

It’s a positive topic. Keep that way rather than an interrogation. If you throw in the odd compliment about his achievement it won’t feel like you’re just gathering information plus if it’s all true it’s an admirable achievement.

Juells · 04/01/2019 17:46

It’s not judgmental to acknowledge that, on a purely factual basis, having a degree is different to leaving school at 11

^^this

Winkybum · 04/01/2019 17:47

I reckon he meant year 11 (i.e. before 6th form), not age 11.

GodknowsIwanttobreakfree · 04/01/2019 18:19

That makes sense, if he meant year 11!

Original poster

onlinedating123 · 04/01/2019 18:24

He definitely meant age 11, as he mentioned it being year 7.

OP posts:

PerverseConverse · 04/01/2019 18:35

Not long to go now, really over invested hoping you have a great date! Don't forget to update us later!

Loopytiles · 04/01/2019 19:04

Yeah, if you don’t fancy him, at least grill him about his life story then tell MN

FevertreeLight · 04/01/2019 19:19

One of my DDs BF at uni left school at 13. Educated himself and took GCSEs (in which he did very well and some early) and then did part time study for A level. Apparently he didn't like his school.

Ineedtonamechangenow · 04/01/2019 19:40

My DH left school at age 12. Tbf he only ended up with one GCSE to his name. He's now currently doing his degree. Despite still only having the one GCSE and a couple of nvq's in a trade

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