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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DHs Man Cave may be the beginning of the end?!

139 replies

NameChangeNine · 03/01/2019 20:55

Hubby converted the garage at the side of our garden into a mancave where he plays table top role play games and paints figures. He has just completed the renovation though has been using it since September. Now it's complete, he has spent the last four nights in there from the moment DC is asleep (wether he or I settle DC). He's a great Dad but I feel he is reverting into a teenager and it's unattractive, the garage is now basically a teenage bedroom without a bed - movie/gaming posters, lots of games and paraphernalia.

Last Saturday, I agreed he could spend the day in there 10 - 5ish to play a long game with friends as a xmas gift. He is planning a 3 hour game tomorrow. But he has took out and entertained DC for 4 hours today and let me relax so it's not a complete imbalance or lack of awareness of personal time.

This wasn't something I was aware of when I married him and a hobby he picked up later. But he has an obsessive streak for such things and as he is self-employed I think he puts too much time into gaming. That aside, the fact that he leaves me alone this many evenings in a row makes me wonder what kind of relationship we have! We don't share a bed due to co-sleeping so apart from help with children in the day, it's like being single again!

In his defence though, he likes to play games and things on an evening, I'm more likely to be spending that time working or watching TV so I'm not exactly great company, but then it's nice to have someone to watch a box set with or a movie isn't it?!

OP posts:

Original poster

NameChangeNine · 03/01/2019 20:56

Actually, he did come in for NYE as we had guests but the evening before he was not in.

OP posts:

pisspawpatrol · 03/01/2019 21:08

There's nothing wrong with his hobby/interest but you do need to discuss making time for you as a couple too. If you're watching tv or working when he sits in the lounge with you he's probably thinking its time he could be spending doing what he enjoys.

Can you compromise and say you spend a wednesday evening playing a board game together, or chatting or watching a film you both fancy and then talk about it afterwards?

WhyDontYouComeOnOver · 03/01/2019 21:08

I agreed he could spend the day in there 10 - 5ish to play a long game with friends as a xmas gift

The fuck? You let your husband socialise/do his hobby as a "Christmas gift"?!

Christ.

Original poster

NameChangeNine · 03/01/2019 21:13

@WhyDontYouComeOnOver

Yes, just like he would give me a spa day as a gift. A 'free pass' to spend a day doing what you love without worrying about responsibilities. Much like a Blow Job or Massage voucher that couoles do, it's not that they can't have one normally, but in gift form it's an extra bit of fun.

OP posts:

ZeroFuchsGiven · 03/01/2019 21:16

You see allowing your husband some free time as a gift and a little bit of fun? I've read some things on here over the years but wtaf?

SushiMonster · 03/01/2019 21:18

You see allowing your husband some free time as a gift and a little bit of fun? I've read some things on here over the years but wtaf?

When you have a baby? Fuck yeah getting a pass to spend 7 hours on your own away form responsibilities is a fucking good gift.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 03/01/2019 21:20

He's in the garage when the kids are in bed and his wife is watching shite on tv and ignoring him. He's not down the pub for 7 hours getting rat arsed.

Original poster

NameChangeNine · 03/01/2019 21:20

Ah so it's gonna go this way then.

Everything is twisted and made into an extreme version of what it is, despite my explanation of it not being the only time he would have a day like this.
sigh

OP posts:

Redlocks28 · 03/01/2019 21:24

My DH has a similar hobby and I’m with you, OP. He plays games out with friends once a week but would happily spend other evenings in his man cave whilst I’m watching telly on my tod. He tells me I could go and join him, but there’s no telly in there!!

It gets lonely and miserable but I don’t want to have to beg him to come and spend time with me .

I don’t know what the solution is.

Original poster

NameChangeNine · 03/01/2019 21:25

@SushiMonster

You get it! Our DD is 4 but requires constant entertaining and she's a grazer so snacks a lot of the day. She's also scared to go to the toilet alone so a day at home with her is hard work, constantly up and down. Try doing housework and turn around to see the mess doubled!

OP posts:

Original poster

NameChangeNine · 03/01/2019 21:30

@Redlocks28

DH used to go to games 2-3 nights a week but hosts more now in his cave. He has other hobbies that take him out on evenings too. I generally don't mind as I don't like to make evening plans but if I do he will work with me to arrange something that fits us both. He's not a monster, if I said I'm lonely he would come in but then I'd feel I need to entertain him in some way!! Like you i also don't want to bed and he loves a good film or box set so he could do this off his own back. I like to watch one particular soap and though he claims he doesnt, he always asks a million questions when they are on about the plot!!

OP posts:

WhyDontYouComeOnOver · 03/01/2019 21:35

I don't understand why you're complaining if you do your own thing anyway. So you want to force him to do what you want just for his company, even though that wouldn't make him happy? What's stopping you from going in there?

Why is your DD scared of going to the toilet and why does she snack all day long? Aren't these much bigger issues to concentrate on?

Original poster

NameChangeNine · 03/01/2019 21:38

WhyDontYouComeOnOver

Why is your DD scared of going to the toilet and why does she snack all day long? Aren't these much bigger issues to concentrate on?

Not relevant and absolutely NONE of your business. How rude!

OP posts:

MrsAndrewEldritch · 03/01/2019 21:38

The answer is to find your own fulfillment whilst he is getting his.

Its good for a relationship to have separate interests and time apart. Otherwise things stagnate.

Clearly there is a balance to be struck but the principle is sound.

Let him go to his cave. Be very pleased when he returns. Make it into a positive.

Stopping him going will breed resentment in the long term.

WhyDontYouComeOnOver · 03/01/2019 21:39

How is me asking that being rude? You mentioned them, so they are relevant, especially as you've used them as a reason why you need support.

Starting to understand why the garage is so appealing!

Original poster

NameChangeNine · 03/01/2019 21:40

So you want to force him to do what you want just for his company, even though that wouldn't make him happy?

Nope, please see previous posts.

What's stopping you from going in there?

Its widely accepted thats its not really a great idea to leave children alone in a house while you go into another separate building.

OP posts:

Original poster

NameChangeNine · 03/01/2019 21:44

@MrsAndrewEldritch

Yes you could be right. I'm happy enough in my own company and when he is in a lot I enjoy him going out so I can have my own space! He works away a lot of evenings through the year too so I can be on my own. But this feels like there is little point in being a couple when it's night after night by his choice. We probably need some quality time together.

OP posts:

Original poster

NameChangeNine · 03/01/2019 21:47

"He works away a lot of evenings through the year too so I can be on my own."

To clarify I mean, I can function alone. I don't mean that he works away to allow me to be alone. He works away because his business sometimes requires it.

OP posts:

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 03/01/2019 21:48

"Hubby". Hubby? Words fail me.

busybarbara · 03/01/2019 21:48

it's like being single again!

Other than the living in a house together, sharing finances, having kids together, not dating other people, etc.

I'm not just being sarky here, but I don't think the issue is that he's in the shed doing his hobby a lot but something else. Why aren't you valuing having time to yourself? Lots of couples spend a lot of time apart and enjoy it or find it acceptable (such as people whose partners work away, are in the forces, etc.) What specifically about your setup in annoying you and what's the least that could be done to resolve it?

Redlocks28 · 03/01/2019 21:49

But this feels like there is little point in being a couple when it's night after night by his choice. We probably need some quality time together.

Yes, that’s what it boils down to. If you find a solution, let me know!

RebeccaWrongDaily · 03/01/2019 21:50

honestly? I'd be putting my foot down, now.

Grown men playing games while their wives are next door doing all the grunt work? Really?

And agree that giving him a day off from all the responsibility is a nice treat.

I could not find a grown man attractive who played playstation etc in the way that some grown men I know do.

theredjellybean · 03/01/2019 21:51

You'd like him to spend time with you.. Perfectly understandable.
But you want this on your terms, in the house watching a box set.
Oh and on the evenings your not doing something else.

Mmm... Seems a bit one sided

Could you not join in the game or help paint the figures or something one night and he watches TV with you one night?

I think your being selfish expecting your quality time to basically be what you want not what he wants.

NoSquirrels · 03/01/2019 21:53

Can't you compromise? He gets to go in the Man Cave of an evening, but it would be nice for him to come back in by e.g. 10pm so you can both watch an episode of a shared box-set together?

I'd bloody love a Man Cave to retreat to sometimes, gotta say.

Grannyannex · 03/01/2019 21:54

Op arrange some date nights together. One or two a week. Go for a walk and eat out

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