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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DHs Man Cave may be the beginning of the end?!

139 replies

NameChangeNine · 03/01/2019 20:55

Hubby converted the garage at the side of our garden into a mancave where he plays table top role play games and paints figures. He has just completed the renovation though has been using it since September. Now it's complete, he has spent the last four nights in there from the moment DC is asleep (wether he or I settle DC). He's a great Dad but I feel he is reverting into a teenager and it's unattractive, the garage is now basically a teenage bedroom without a bed - movie/gaming posters, lots of games and paraphernalia.

Last Saturday, I agreed he could spend the day in there 10 - 5ish to play a long game with friends as a xmas gift. He is planning a 3 hour game tomorrow. But he has took out and entertained DC for 4 hours today and let me relax so it's not a complete imbalance or lack of awareness of personal time.

This wasn't something I was aware of when I married him and a hobby he picked up later. But he has an obsessive streak for such things and as he is self-employed I think he puts too much time into gaming. That aside, the fact that he leaves me alone this many evenings in a row makes me wonder what kind of relationship we have! We don't share a bed due to co-sleeping so apart from help with children in the day, it's like being single again!

In his defence though, he likes to play games and things on an evening, I'm more likely to be spending that time working or watching TV so I'm not exactly great company, but then it's nice to have someone to watch a box set with or a movie isn't it?!

OP posts:
MarcieBluebell · 04/01/2019 01:09

I'm with you op. Id want my partner to keep me company in the evenings too. I don't understand a lot of the posts.

Notacluethisxmas · 04/01/2019 07:09

I see the mners that can't comprehend that some women have a different opinion and stance on relationships, rolling out the cool wife phrase.

Such misogyny to think women can't have a difference of opinion and if they do it means they are brain washed by their men.

WhyDontYouComeOnOver · 04/01/2019 07:29

It seems to be that the main issues that need resolving are the fact you dont't communicate with your husband and the fact that your DD has serious issues that she needs help for. Put the little issue aside and concentrate on the big ones.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 04/01/2019 07:31

Is there anything creative that you might enjoy OP? You might not enjoy the game play of DnD and other table top games but perhaps you might enjoy the world building aspect? I.e coming up lore or creating maps. It’s ok if you don’t.

I don’t understand why he can’t do some of his tasks in the living room while you’re watching tv. I roll characters and world build while I watch trash tv all the time.

I think it’s fine for people to have their own space and to go into other rooms to do things but to create an area where you isolate yourself from the rest of the family isn’t fair. Do you have your own “cave” where you can’t be disturbed by family life and you can’t hear if your child needs something.

I think it’s about compromise but also about the fact that he can’t leave you to be in call all the time while he gets to relax and block it all out.

I say all this as someone who is heavily into “Geek” culture and who enjoys my own company.

EvaHarknessRose · 04/01/2019 08:13

Its just balance you want, isn’t it - agree a split of ‘on call’ nights and make some regular nights you spend together. Hopefully you can talk positively to him about it without taking the shine off it - it sounds a really fun nice thing for him. (Do you get to play family games in there too).

moomin11 · 04/01/2019 08:36

My DH has a similar hobby and is out one night a week with it plus pretty regular tournaments at weekends. He also paints quite a few evenings but there's a tv in the room so we are in there together and chat. I think it's healthy to have your own interests and time to yourselves as long as it doesn't get in the way of family time and it's fair to you both. There does sound like an imbalance and if I were you I would discuss it now.

CripsSandwiches · 04/01/2019 08:49

I don't think the op needs to fibd her own fulfillment - I'm perfect fulfilled in my life but I still want to spend time with my husband. I wouldn't be happy to be two separate people with completely separate lives. There has to be a balance between time for kids, hobbies and time for your marriage.

gamerwidow · 04/01/2019 09:01

It’s probably the novelty factor that’s making the man cave feel so appealing at the moment.
You just need to renegotiate the boundaries so you all get free time and some time together. My DH likes to game a lot and during the week plays his games in the evening while I watch tv in bed but at weekends we sit down together in the evening to watch a film and catch up on comedy shows together. It suits us because I don’t like games and he doesn’t like the tv I watch so we both get to do what we want for a bit before coming back together.

Originallymeonly · 04/01/2019 09:19

Buy a cheaper monitor that works between the garage and the house, not just from the baby's room but so that there isn't the same sense of isolation?
Also go out yourself a couple of nights, even if you just sit in maccyD and nurse a hot chocolate for a couple of hours on their WiFi. Be less accommodating.

Littleraindrop15 · 04/01/2019 09:28

The man cave isn't the actual problem.. The problem is you need to do stuff together as well that isn't going to bore each other. Basically actual quality time. I don't see the issue with his hobbies as there isn't an alternative for him to do anything else that's productive other than just sitting down.

Nurse12345 · 04/01/2019 09:28

where is your "cave" op? I hope you have your own space to retreat to also...

masterandmargarita · 04/01/2019 09:41

Why do these 'men childs' need cocking man caves? Why can't they just live in the real world like the rest of us do?

ShannonRockallMalin · 04/01/2019 10:14

I do understand where the op is coming from in the sense that this might be a slippery slope. My DH is heavily into tabletop gaming, and video games as well. Since we moved to a bigger house, he commandeered the spare bedroom as his model painting room, and spends hours up there when he’s into a project. In some ways I prefer this to when he used to paint at the kitchen table as he ruined the table and the glue stinks. On the other hand, I now can’t chat to him while he paints, and he seems oblivious to everything else going on in the house. As PPs have said, it’s like he’s out, but still at home. He is part of a gaming group and I prefer it when he is actually out in a way, less chance of resentment.

I enjoy spending time on my own so I don’t mind it too much, and in some ways it’s nice to have the lounge to myself to read quietly etc. But I’ve found a an issue is that DH will come to the end of a project and then suddenly reappear in the evenings and moan that I don’t want to watch his programmes etc. It’s a bit like having a spouse who works away, it needs adjustment!

My DCs are teens now so do their own thing anyway, but DHs obsessive gaming used to cause problems when they were younger. I have never forgotten a really bad evening when I was heavily pregnant with DC2 and trying to get toddler DC1 to bed and he was just sitting on the bloody computer gaming. I think I must have lost it with him because I’ve always remembered it!

Set some ground rules now OP so it doesn’t get out of hand. PPs saying that the novelty will wear off should have a chat to my DH, tabletop gaming for 25 years and counting...

indecisivepigeon · 04/01/2019 10:22

@Namechangenine

I think YANBU.

And you’re right, everything on here becomes an extreme version of what the OP says.

😂😂

tillytrotter1 · 04/01/2019 10:27

Be positive, when he's older and starts horrendous snoring he'll have somewhere to go to sleep!

WhyDontYouComeOnOver · 04/01/2019 10:28

@masterandmargarita

Why is he a man child?

Crudd · 04/01/2019 10:44

It's been a total of 3 evenings.

If he ends up doing his hobby 1 or 2 evenings per week, I don't see the big deal. It's pretty normal for people to have hobbies. There's nothing childish about gaming either.

If you wanted to hang out in there, you could watch tv on a tablet.

I'd hate to have to sit in front of the tv basically every evening for the rest of my life. Is there any chance of you finding something more entertaining than sitting on the sofa for the two of you to do together?

busybarbara · 04/01/2019 11:17

What's a cool girl? Someone who allows their husband to have hobbies?

Apparently! In which case DH is also a "cool dude" because he "allows" me to do my knitting, sewing and crafts and even dedicate a whole room to the task without flouncing around whinging about how lonely he is.

WhyDontYouComeOnOver · 04/01/2019 11:36

Ha, mine too, busy Grin But when I'm not playing with yarn, I'm on my Xbox or playing D&D, so I guess we're both cool Wink

Consolidateyourloins · 04/01/2019 12:05

@DisgraceToTheYChromosome

"Hubby". Hubby? Words fail me.

Oh leave her alone FFS. You're not the word police Hmm

theredjellybean · 04/01/2019 12:47

Shocked by comments like 'I'd be putting my foot down' or 'set ground rules'

We are all functioning independent adults, who should choose what we spend our free time doing. It's an active choice.. Of course I'd like my partner to actively choose to spend time with me but if he chooses to do something else, I do not have any right to tell him he can't.
The above comments infantalise these men, and puts the wife or partner in the role of disapproving parent.
They are not badly behaving teens.. They are adults.

And using a term like cool in a derogatory way to imply wifes or female partners who act like individual adults in a cohabiting relationship are somehow foolish or naive is insulting.
Its more insulting to think your dh needs telling what he can and cannot do.

For the OP, it seems that they need to communicate, nothing wrong with saying your lonely and miss dp's company in the evening, but it is up to him then whether he chooses to do something about that or not.
But the OP cannot dictate that he spends his free time doing activities that only she likes.. Eg.. Tv

joanmcc · 04/01/2019 12:56

"allowing" a husband some free time as a "gift", then complaining about him on the internet when he has 3 nights to himself (after initially lying that it was four).

Are you freestyling this OP, or have you gotten a book on how to be so controlling?

Pumperthepumper · 04/01/2019 13:09

Quite a lot of people on this thread are ignoring the fact that he has a child with issues around night terrors, who he’s leaving his wife to deal with while he shuts himself away. At best, that’s extremely selfish.

TheStoic · 04/01/2019 13:12

Yeah I’d be sad too, OP, if I thought my husband didn’t want to spend time with me.

I’d go find someone who did.

joanmcc · 04/01/2019 13:20

Three nights spent on a hobby, literally yards away, is worth a retaliatory affair or a divorce, @TheStoic? Did you get your marriage certificate in a lucky bag?