DHs Man Cave may be the beginning of the end?!

[NameChangeNine]

Hubby converted the garage at the side of our garden into a mancave where he plays table top role play games and paints figures. He has just completed the renovation though has been using it since September. Now it's complete, he has spent the last four nights in there from the moment DC is asleep (wether he or I settle DC). He's a great Dad but I feel he is reverting into a teenager and it's unattractive, the garage is now basically a teenage bedroom without a bed - movie/gaming posters, lots of games and paraphernalia.

Last Saturday, I agreed he could spend the day in there 10 - 5ish to play a long game with friends as a xmas gift. He is planning a 3 hour game tomorrow. But he has took out and entertained DC for 4 hours today and let me relax so it's not a complete imbalance or lack of awareness of personal time.

This wasn't something I was aware of when I married him and a hobby he picked up later. But he has an obsessive streak for such things and as he is self-employed I think he puts too much time into gaming. That aside, the fact that he leaves me alone this many evenings in a row makes me wonder what kind of relationship we have! We don't share a bed due to co-sleeping so apart from help with children in the day, it's like being single again!

In his defence though, he likes to play games and things on an evening, I'm more likely to be spending that time working or watching TV so I'm not exactly great company, but then it's nice to have someone to watch a box set with or a movie isn't it?!

I completely get where you're coming from OP. You want to spend time with him in the evenings and he's shut away. To those posters who are saying everyone's entitled to hobbies, when in a relationship, it doesn't work for hobbies to take over every single evening!

To be honest though OP, it doesn't seem like he wants to spend time with you. Why encourage him to spend evenings with you when you know he'd rather be somewhere else?

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It's the new "cave" being at home that's complicated matters.

He is still effectively "out" even though it's not far away. And it's not unreasonable to negotiate how much time each of you spend out of the house doing hobbies or whatever.

Similar feeling when my DH is working at home. They are "home" but alas inaccessible to the rest of the family.

Suspect the novelty will wear off. But there's a point about how to maintain intimacy with lots of separate time

OP - I'm not sure why some posters are giving you such a hard time. I'm guessing there are some films/box sets you enjoy watching together? So there's nothing wrong with asking him to do that for one or two nights a week instead of gaming. Most gamers I've spoken to (and I work in the industry) like to watch netflix etc so it's not like you're 'forcing your hobby onto him'. He could even (as PPs have said) paint at the same time. Often my DP will paint or game on his laptop and I will cross stitch or knit whilst we watch something we both enjoy together. I've endured a few duds over the years like BSG (these are the times you work on your most complex projects so the time feels less wasted!)

To be honest though OP, it doesn't seem like he wants to spend time with you

It's really not as black and white as that.

Just because he enjoys his hobby and has been focusing on that doesn't mean he wouldn't have a lovely time doing things with OP. It's just about finding a balance.

it doesn't work for hobbies to take over every single evening

It's been three nights.

My DH works away all week so our ds and I are at home from Sunday to Friday.
I quite enjoy it. Maybe you can too.
It is a lot easier with a 13 year old but this has been our routine since our son was born.
Maybe I enjoy being alone too much. I crave the indulgence of doing exactly what I want. Most weeks I pick our son from school and we go out for dinner or the movies.
I love for my DH to have a hobby or friends so he could enjoy himself as much as I do.

What a nasty thread!

This is what gives MN a bad rep.

PS I can’t stand a man child either.

I’ve got one of these OP so I totally get it. We’ve been doing this for over a decade now so I’ll share the compromises that work and my thoughts on it. Bonuses = you get your choice of Netflix. Binge watch a romance box set etc. All the boy “crap” is out of sight. You can shut the door on it. Downsides = feeling lonely? So the compromises involve put a video monitor in kids bedrooms and give him the monitor and you can join a gym/WI/knitting/running group whatever and go enjoy yourself a couple of eves a week. Leave him to do bedtime on those nights too. Those are then the “suit yourself nights”. Two eves a week you do things together. Play cards, do a jigsaw, listen to music. One eve a week you go play with him. One eve a week he watches TV with you. It’s all about balance. Give that a try?

Why is he a man child?

People can be very snobby about adults playing games.

I would love to know what their DH's oh so grown up and acceptable hobbies are.

Probably sport

We also have a man cave. We watch tv together on weekends and go out for dinner on a Sunday night. (DH night to cook and for 28 years I got a roast, recent switch to going out only benefits me, I hate roast)
Look at nights to spend together and nights to spen separately.

I don’t think it’s so much what the hobby is, more that he’s downing tools for hours on end to do it. I’d think fair enough if he was taking the baby monitor with him but if he’s expecting you to deal with any kid stuff so he can shut himself away, that’s unfair.

Why is he a man child?

Because he doesn't want to spend night after night sat watching shite on the box, of course!

I do think it's too early to start worrying OP, however, I can also understand that you'd rather nip any issues in the bud.

You have given the impression that he is a fair partner and therefore you don't hold any resentment towards his down time in that sense.

But the issue here is clearly couple time. To echo some other posters, I agree it would be a good idea to suggest a couple of nights a week where you do spend time together. No tv perhaps. Just chat, maybe a game of cards, glass of wine etc.

To have a balance of couple time and personal time is very rewarding if both sides are happy with the "arrangement".

For those saying it's only been 3 nights, op said that he has a tendency to get a bit obsessed and presumably knows him well and is anxious that these 3 nights will lead to him spending most nights tucked away doing his own thing. While I agree that having your own tome and hobbies is important it's surely an issue of that impacts your relationship? Who wants to spend, night after night in separate rooms?

Op, it could just be a novelty so you could just wait and see what happens and if he continues to spend many nights separately I would be honest and tell him that you miss him and that you fee it's getting in the way of your intimacy as a couple. Maybe agree he do it certain nights or certain times? A balance needs to be found. There is no use, him happily doing doing his thing if it makes you miserable.

It's no about trying to control the other person, it's about meeting each other's needs as a couple.

OP I want to know what these table top role play games and painting figures etc. What are they like tiny soliders in a war game? Very curious!

I'm not snobby about adults playing games at all. I'd feel the same if the hobby was sports, crafting, etc. I learnt enough about a specific aspect of gaming to allow me to facilitate leaving my career to run a very successful busness with DP (which he freely admits he couldn't pursue without my help). But if he regularly ditched me for four nights in a row, plus an additional 2 daytime sessions within the space of one week to game, I wouldn't be best pleased (especially if we had kids). Even as a one off over Christmas, I would want a conversation as to how much time he would be looking to spend on his hobby going forwards. Even just an hour spent chatting/watching something you both enjoy a few nights a week can make all the difference to a relationship, especially if you're ships passing in the night.

Might be missing the point a bit but if it's Warhammering he's doing in the shed it will be better when the children are older. Mine have got into it too so they all paint things and play endless games with their dad.

I sold the Baby Monitor about a year ago as I can hear when DD wakes easily and not keen to waste money on another. As a pp articulated what I hadn't- once he leaves it's me who has to deal with DD waking up from night terrors which is most nights, so I don't relax downstairs as I know I am 'on call' and won't get to watch anything without being disturbed so I just come to bed to go on my phone to watch TV on an app, catch up with emails or scroll etc. As also mentioned there isnt time to talk without children around which make it hard to digest information.

So yes there's a definite resentment there too!

It's not just these past 3 nights. It's been nights before too but now it's been 4/5 nights in a row barring NYE and I can't work out if it's novelty of completion or a case of it being like this always now that it's complete. So obviously it's watching if he begins to self-regulate soon and balance things out or wether I need to bring it up.

He has been known to bring stuff in but this was before the cave was fully set up and didn't have the comforts it now has.

He is more a boxsets/film person than me so definitely not me pushing this on him. I have tried some of the many games he has played- he started on DND but now plays loads of different ones. Just not my cup of tea at all.

I get being on call since me sn ds wakes each night too, but I still go downstairs and relax. When he wakes up I settle him down and go back downstairs to relax. You could easily get a cheap monitor on a used group to use if you wanted to. I guess I'm wondering if what you're saying is most nights you end up sitting in bed watching your telly on your phone why do you want him there for that? Are you really upset he's not there for that or do you just want a trade off where you get to hang out downstairs and relax and he is in bed with your dd? It also sounds like your dd has a lot of anxiety and if you're not already I highly recommend getting help for.

Gosh, OP I just wanted to say I empathise so much with what you have described just now.

Dealing with night terrors is awful. Do you ever get a chance to be 100% off duty?

I have to say though, this all sounds really fixable. I would really try and find some time to talk to him rather than waiting.

Endo - 'when they're older' is the key phrase here. It's nice to imagine an older DC sharing their DC's hobby,. But if DP is off doing his hobby and not being there to take care of a younger more needy DC (eg nappy changes, night terrors) it's a different kettle of fish imo. My DP would be an exemplary father when it comes to teaching a teen/young adult business, but less so in the small child, wiping asses dept. So I can see why OP is questioning the situation, since he didn't seem to have this gaming interest since he started a family with her.

I go out on specific Mon evenings well past when the youngest goes to bed to DND, and Thurs is games evening.

My OH isn't interested in these games, he prefers consoles. But now that we've moved and have the big table, we've been able to host a friend and his elder son in the same room my OH is in. It's better like this because although OH does whatever games or programmes he's into, we are still near each other. Having a shed or garage is all fine and well but it's very shut off. I've never been a fan of "the man cave" - I mean, where's my "non man cave" where I have the space uninterrupted from my family. I'm an artist of a sort and would kill for space to work, but I'm not going to insist on a shed. There's no togetherness.