DHs Man Cave may be the beginning of the end?!

[NameChangeNine]

Hubby converted the garage at the side of our garden into a mancave where he plays table top role play games and paints figures. He has just completed the renovation though has been using it since September. Now it's complete, he has spent the last four nights in there from the moment DC is asleep (wether he or I settle DC). He's a great Dad but I feel he is reverting into a teenager and it's unattractive, the garage is now basically a teenage bedroom without a bed - movie/gaming posters, lots of games and paraphernalia.

Last Saturday, I agreed he could spend the day in there 10 - 5ish to play a long game with friends as a xmas gift. He is planning a 3 hour game tomorrow. But he has took out and entertained DC for 4 hours today and let me relax so it's not a complete imbalance or lack of awareness of personal time.

This wasn't something I was aware of when I married him and a hobby he picked up later. But he has an obsessive streak for such things and as he is self-employed I think he puts too much time into gaming. That aside, the fact that he leaves me alone this many evenings in a row makes me wonder what kind of relationship we have! We don't share a bed due to co-sleeping so apart from help with children in the day, it's like being single again!

In his defence though, he likes to play games and things on an evening, I'm more likely to be spending that time working or watching TV so I'm not exactly great company, but then it's nice to have someone to watch a box set with or a movie isn't it?!

Time to develop a hobby of your own.
You don’t need to have shared interests, so what are yours? What do you enjoy doing? What have you always wanted to do.
You don’t need him to be your constant companion. Use the time to your advantage

I think your last sentence summed it up.

He probably has no more interest in watching your boxsets, than you do in playing warhammer.

You need to find something that you both enjoy together more than each of those things individually.

It's been 4 nights out of your entire life (which you since corrected to 3) there's no reason to think it'll be like this every day forever?

It sounds like he's worked hard on a project for himself and is now enjoying it, after taking care of his parental/work responsibilities.

I think you need to find something to do in the evenings yourself.

Of course telling him to take an entire day is a treat. Weird posters on this. The dh has basically gone out every night through choice although heroically popped in to see his and his wife’s guests on nye. That would feel a bit lonely in a marriage. Op, I think you are getting to the right approach- enjoy the time to yourself and find some quality time. I would suggest if there is something you think of that you would like to pop to in the evening that you phone him in the garage and say I’m just doing this, will be back in 45, can you come in please? As obviously you won’t leave the house empty. Because if he is grumpy at that that isn’t a great sign.

Its widely accepted thats its not really a great idea to leave children alone in a house while you go into another separate building

Ahh, see, when I do stuff, my child comes too. Basic parenting.

I could not find a grown man attractive who played playstation etc in the way that some grown men I know do

Phew. Lucky men. If I were male, I wouldn't find a grown woman attractive if they denigrated me for enjoying something. Seeing as a high percentage of PlayStation games are 18 rated, they're actually designed for "grown" adults, dontcha know.

does he have a painting tray he could load up with the relevant latest project and paint in the living room with you sometimes?

I'd recommending discussing with your husband for X number of evenings per week/month to be you-and-him nights and him making a model paint station that he can bring into the room with the TV.

My spouse has done the latter when he's doing a bit of painting - he uses one of those cases with foams and he's cut out space for all the things he needs so he can close it up when done and easier to carry than a bunch of bits - or sometimes I'll go to his full paint station with something while he streams in a podcast we both enjoy. It's nice to unwind together. We do other hobby and relaxing stuff together and separate at other times as well, but there are times we do quite a bit of this back and forth.

I don't think it's the beginning of the end, it sounds like you're both quite stressed and trying to find ways to relax - just need to find ways to do relax together as a couple which will likely require some nights of doing things actively together and other times chilling in the same space doing things differently as well as time apart.

It's just been finished. So it's the novelty for now.

Honestly though agreeing to let him have a few hours with friends sound a controlling. Even with a child. Can you imaginative abuse a man would get for posting 'I agreed to let my wife have day shopping/seeing a show/visiting friends'. He would be ripped apart.

Ok watching a box set might be your idea of quality time. It doesn't mean that it's his. But, as pp said, you want it on your terms only. That's not ok.

There is a compromise to be had, two evenings together.. actually together doing some thing. Two evenings doing hobbies or whatever 1evening family hobby etc.
Why are some posters being totally dickish?

Warhammer?
I wish my husband had a man-cave for all the warhammer related crap that belongs to him and my daughter. Especially when they are building. I hate the smell of glue.
But, I would be unimpressed if they spent all their time hidden away.
There needs to be a balance between devoting time to what I know is a consuming hobby, and time with family.

Hopefully it is a bit of a novelty now it is complete, and he can split his time more equally between hiding in the cave, and chilling on the sofa with you.

I'm with you Disgrace, Hubby!! Please not Hubby! Anything but Hubby!!
I have no suggestions to add just that my husband and I (not the Queen) have no young DC and we are fortunate enough to have enough space to get away from each other. I hate football, he loves it so he watches in another room.
I'll just add my twopence worth and say to the poster who enquired about the toilet fear, small children are very often frightened of the toilet, they sit on an open space, stuff leaves their body, then there's a big noise, rushing water and things disappear. Went through this with DS and if the same happens with DGS, I know what to expect

Sorry for the derail
As you were

small children are very often frightened of the toilet

I'm aware of that. I'm a teacher. That's why I asked, as it seems a bit of a bigger issue than a hobby.

OP, it's all good, but watch it. At the mo you and DH are sharing a house, but not living together - no bed sharing with each other, no time in evenings spent together.

Take care not to do anything else that separates you. Kids or not.

Blimey there's some people out for a row in this thread tonight!

WhyDontYouComeOnOver Ahh, see, when I do stuff, my child comes too. Basic parenting. she said her dd is 4. So she's in bed.

OP have you spoken to him about it?

@whydontyoucomeonover
She doesn’t bring the children because it’s in the evening and they are ASLEEP. it’s generally accepted it’s best not to wake them up overnight. As you said,’basic parenting’.

You’re a bit of a charmer aren’t you!

Blimey OP, you don't paint a very attractive picture of your married life. I don't like the term man cave either. You don't sleep together and you don't spend much time together in the evenings. IMHO you need to find something to do that you both enjoy in the evening. Can you play cards, do a jigsaw puzzle, do something together? Film night? Watch Game of Thrones?

Ooh the cool girls are out in force tonight!

Who wants a relationship where you never hang out together? Not much point in that.

Tell him how you feel OP. Unless he's a complete dick, he'll realise that spending a few evenings a week with your partner is a perfectly reasonable and normal way to maintain and nourish your relationship.

It doesn't really matter what the hobby is, just that you have some reasonably fair division of time to spend on your own interests and a fair division of time parenting so that neither feels hard done by.

That is separate from the time spent together - if you don't like his games and he doesn't like your boxed sets then maybe find a film you both want or if you have a babysitter go out together. Potentially also each agree to spend an evening doing each others interest - you both may find there is more overlapping interest than you expect.

Have you told him that basically you miss him with him being effectively absent most evenings? He may feel he is leaving you free to enjoy free reign with the TV choices.

So you can't leave a 4 year old sleep while you're in the garage? How bizarre. Surely a baby monitor would do the trick?

Or could it be that she doesn't share her husband's hobby, so she doesn't want to go in there, yet expects her husband to watch crap on TV with her?

My DP has the spare room as his “man cave”, and often in the evenings he’s in there after dinner, and I’m in the living room. We go in and out a lot though, bringing cups of tea, chatting etc. Both of us lived alone before we got together, so this works well for us, and we make sure it’s balanced. (He’s in there now, but we’ve been to the cinema and out for tea this evening.) DP watches a lot of sport, and runs a podcast and associated social media accounts - it would drive me nuts if he was doing this while I tried to watch Coronation Street!

Pressed 'post' too soon!

I don't like the term 'man cave' either where is your woman cave meant to be?

This thread is weird.

Of course you’d be upset that your husband has taken himself off elsewhere and shows every sign of doing so at every opportunity.

I think I would be really upfront with him about it. Not criticising his new games room etc, but focusing on the relationship. ‘I’ve been thinking for a while that we don’t get a lot of time together ... I’d like to see you more, what do you think? Shall we make some plans ?’
See how it goes. If he’s reluctant then come back for more MN advice (ignore the cool girls).

What's a cool girl? Someone who allows their husband to have hobbies?

Use a baby monitor and hang out with him in the garage? Maybe read a book or try and play a game with him?