Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

DHs Man Cave may be the beginning of the end?!

139 replies

NameChangeNine · 03/01/2019 20:55

Hubby converted the garage at the side of our garden into a mancave where he plays table top role play games and paints figures. He has just completed the renovation though has been using it since September. Now it's complete, he has spent the last four nights in there from the moment DC is asleep (wether he or I settle DC). He's a great Dad but I feel he is reverting into a teenager and it's unattractive, the garage is now basically a teenage bedroom without a bed - movie/gaming posters, lots of games and paraphernalia.

Last Saturday, I agreed he could spend the day in there 10 - 5ish to play a long game with friends as a xmas gift. He is planning a 3 hour game tomorrow. But he has took out and entertained DC for 4 hours today and let me relax so it's not a complete imbalance or lack of awareness of personal time.

This wasn't something I was aware of when I married him and a hobby he picked up later. But he has an obsessive streak for such things and as he is self-employed I think he puts too much time into gaming. That aside, the fact that he leaves me alone this many evenings in a row makes me wonder what kind of relationship we have! We don't share a bed due to co-sleeping so apart from help with children in the day, it's like being single again!

In his defence though, he likes to play games and things on an evening, I'm more likely to be spending that time working or watching TV so I'm not exactly great company, but then it's nice to have someone to watch a box set with or a movie isn't it?!

OP posts:

mumofblueeyes · 04/01/2019 13:25

I don't really get the 'I'm on call' thing when you are in your own house with your own kid. Do you think your little one might be picking up on the tension what with the night terrors and not wanting to go to toilet alone? Maybe if you could tackle these things you might feel a bit more relaxed in the evenings and feel less like you are working?

MrsAndrewEldritch · 04/01/2019 13:31

I would rather be a cool girl with a strong sense of self, and things to talk about than be stressing about a grown adult wanting to spend their life and time as they want.

Clearly there needs to be quality relationship time too.

But i suspect alot of the 'i wouldnt allow this' brigade are in couples you see out for dinner in total silence. With nothing to say to each other as they are never apart with no interests of their own. Each to their own!

TheStoic · 04/01/2019 13:31

Are you freestyling this OP, or have you gotten a book on how to be so controlling?

Did you get your marriage certificate in a lucky bag?

Your bon mots are a bit shit, Joan. Please try harder.

Life’s too short to be tied to someone who doesn’t want to spend time with you. Why on earth would anyone stick around for that?

theredjellybean · 04/01/2019 13:31

But pumper the op didn't complain about that, she was complaining that her dh wasn't sitting with her watching TV.

joanmcc · 04/01/2019 13:37

Why on earth would anyone stick around for that?

You're calling for an affair/divorce after 3 nights spent on a harmless hobby yards away, I don't think your opinion on sticking around is worth much.

TheStoic · 04/01/2019 13:39

I don't think your opinion on sticking around is worth much.

Aww, yet I think so highly of yours!

joanmcc · 04/01/2019 13:40

Was supposed to be a good example of a bon mot?

TheStoic · 04/01/2019 13:45

Was supposed to be a good example of a bon mot?

I don’t understand.

joanmcc · 04/01/2019 13:59

I can believe that.

53rdWay · 04/01/2019 14:06

Of course I'd like my partner to actively choose to spend time with me but if he chooses to do something else, I do not have any right to tell him he can't.

I think both partners in a relationship do have the right to set 'ground rules' to a degree. So I wouldn't expect or want to have 100% say over what my DH does with his spare time, but if he was spending none of it with me and we got no time ever without kids present I'd be saying "no, this needs to change, this isn't how I want our marriage to be." Wouldn't most people?

Plus the OP has a 4-year-old with night terrors in the picture, so she's the one responsible for dealing with that while he's off.

Pumperthepumper · 04/01/2019 14:21

theredjellybean the OP said this:

As a pp articulated what I hadn't- once he leaves it's me who has to deal with DD waking up from night terrors which is most nights,

theredjellybean · 04/01/2019 14:35

Aha... Took me four pages into the thread to find the op mentioning that
As I said the op should communicate how she feels to her dh and together find something they both enjoy or agree who does the night terror settling on what nights.
There has been no accusations that he wilfully neglects childcare responsibilities, maybe he just doesn't realise his dw is spending evenings settling dc.
I find it so hard to understand why people come on mn complaining about feeling resentful, unhappy etc when they haven't actually spoken to their partners about the issue.
This man is not a mind reader and probably thinks op is perfectly happy with set up

NameChangeNugget · 04/01/2019 14:44

Yes, YABU

Pumperthepumper · 04/01/2019 16:03

maybe he just doesn't realise his dw is spending evenings settling dc.

But how can he not know that his own child suffers from night terrors? And if he’s not listening out for his dc then who does he think is doing it?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6