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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DHs Man Cave may be the beginning of the end?!

139 replies

NameChangeNine · 03/01/2019 20:55

Hubby converted the garage at the side of our garden into a mancave where he plays table top role play games and paints figures. He has just completed the renovation though has been using it since September. Now it's complete, he has spent the last four nights in there from the moment DC is asleep (wether he or I settle DC). He's a great Dad but I feel he is reverting into a teenager and it's unattractive, the garage is now basically a teenage bedroom without a bed - movie/gaming posters, lots of games and paraphernalia.

Last Saturday, I agreed he could spend the day in there 10 - 5ish to play a long game with friends as a xmas gift. He is planning a 3 hour game tomorrow. But he has took out and entertained DC for 4 hours today and let me relax so it's not a complete imbalance or lack of awareness of personal time.

This wasn't something I was aware of when I married him and a hobby he picked up later. But he has an obsessive streak for such things and as he is self-employed I think he puts too much time into gaming. That aside, the fact that he leaves me alone this many evenings in a row makes me wonder what kind of relationship we have! We don't share a bed due to co-sleeping so apart from help with children in the day, it's like being single again!

In his defence though, he likes to play games and things on an evening, I'm more likely to be spending that time working or watching TV so I'm not exactly great company, but then it's nice to have someone to watch a box set with or a movie isn't it?!

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 03/01/2019 22:21

WhyDontYouComeOnOver?

Fess up, you are the DH here aren't you? Put your toys down love and try and remember you are a grown man with a child, and therefore a responsibility to make an effort to maintain your relationship.

pisspawpatrol · 03/01/2019 22:21

I think you're right that it's going to go "that way" on this thread. I made a perfectly reasonable post and you ignored it to start a fight with other posters.

Anyway, having thought about it a bit more I actually think its a bit weird that you think this is the end of the road for your relationship because he's spending some time playing a game. You're coming across very egocentric.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 03/01/2019 22:26

A cool girl is someone who believes a man can do whatever he likes cos, you know, he's a man. And to try and get him to do something else because what he is doing is making you unhappy is, well, just naggy and needy and sad. What he wants to do is the most important thing. No matter if your relationship goes tits up and your kid ends up with separated parents.

WhyDontYouComeOnOver · 03/01/2019 22:27

This reply has been deleted

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Stefoscope · 03/01/2019 22:27

To be fair, I assume if the kids wake up on an evening he can't hear them from the garage, so the role of default parent is being passed to you. I'd find that irritating, especially if you don't have the option of going off to your own space. It's possibly just the novelty factor, but gaming can be one of those hobbies which becomes more time consuming as you get more into it. I'd have a think about how much time you both think is reasonable to spend as a couple and apart and speak to him. It sounds like he's a decent guy and not trying to shirk his responsibilities as a Dad, but if gaming isn't something which appeals to you I can see how you'd feel lonely if he's off in a different building doing that.

EatShitBoswell · 03/01/2019 22:29

WhyDont "Tinkly - you seem deranged"
No she doesn't, that's how you're coming across

LadyDeadpool · 03/01/2019 22:29

Ooh the cool girls are out in force tonight!

How pathetic that grown women will still use this sort of misogynistic bullshit to tear other women down for having differing opinions.
My husband doesn't have a man cave but he does play various games while I sit in another room on the other games console or upstairs in my woman cave/bedroom living out my other hobbies. We spend time apart doing what we want to do and not inflicting our boring stuff on each other.

You're two separate people he's not dipping out of the child care or house work he just doesn't like what you like and you don't like what he likes so he found a solution. Give it time it's still a novelty.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 03/01/2019 22:29

Whereas you Why seem like an amazing human beingHmm

MamaLovesMango · 03/01/2019 22:29

Wondering if it’s the beginning of the end is a bit previous. Is there anything else you’re not happy with?

You need to block out time just you and your husband (I’m also with the anti ‘hubby’ bunch I’m afraid). Once a week, twice a week, whatever and decide on something to do together that isn’t gaming or boxsets and commit to it.

neveradullmoment99 · 03/01/2019 22:30

I hate the word man cave
I hate the word hubby
I'm finding it hard to get passed these two descriptions.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 03/01/2019 22:32

He tells me I could go and join him, but there’s no telly in there!!

I'm not being funny, but is that necessary? If you're just watching TV, I can see why he thinks it's fine to go to the shed and do something else. You're both doing hobbies.

Could you spend a few nights in the shed with him and he spend a few nights inside with you, maybe?

WhyDontYouComeOnOver · 03/01/2019 22:33

I'm deranged for pointing out that she's trying to force her hobbies on her DH yet if it were the other way round there'd be outrage? OK. Smile

Couples can exist away from each other. Separate hobbies are healthy. She has said her DH is supportive with regards to everything else. There is nothing stopping her from joining him sometimes.

Surely it would be easier to simply communicate?

Purpleartichoke · 03/01/2019 22:33

My DH does something similar and it does cause problems. His belief is that he will come out if I ask. My belief is that as long as kid and house responsibilities are active, I shouldn’t have to ask for help. So DD always comes to me in the evening because I am more accessible. He also doesn’t see that the cat made a mess or dishes need to be done or hear that the laundry is ready for the next step because he is in a separate space. I end up being resentful that I am the only person on point. He doesn’t understand why I can’t just come tell him to clean up after the cat or dry the laundry or that Dd needs a snack.

We are still working on finding a solution.

KilgraveMadeMeDoIt · 03/01/2019 22:34

I couldn't be with someone who didn't allow me to game in my free time. Sure, you two should make time together to do things as a couple, but I wouldn't restrict the free time. Spending time together is a choice you both have to actively make.

Have you thought about joining in with his hobby, learning about it etc? I know Warhammer has a really great lore and is really interesting, so if it isn't something he is already into maybe you could look into and get into it together. Then there's stuff like DnD which is really fun.

It may not be the beginning of the end, it will only be that way if you allow it to be. I had a gaming room that I shut myself in for hours and hours away from my husband, we didn't share a bed and he gamed downstairs while I gamed upstairs in the gaming room. We ended up breaking up, but it wasn't because of the gaming. The gaming was an escape from my rubbish life and rubbish relationship that I didn't want to fix.

TL;DR - the gaming probably isn't the problem, it's probably that he needs an escape. Do games together so he can escape, and you can join in too and spend time together.

WinnieFosterTether · 03/01/2019 22:34

Those struggling with basic words can go to other threads. There's no requirement to come on threads and rip them apart. In fact, that's actually against MN guidelines.

OP you need to decide what you want and discuss it with your DH. I agree with a PP that the 'man cave' is a novelty just now but don't let it become a habit if it's making you unhappy and causing you to question your relationship. Chat with DH about what you can do together that you both enjoy and schedule it in.

anniehm · 03/01/2019 22:35

My dh games (computers) and does get obsessed! But he works really hard and he should be able to spend leisure time aside from childcare how he wants in my opinion - why should he watch tv when he doesn't care for it. We do watch things together, we go out but if partners have hobbies so what, probably better than mindless tv and posting here!

RobinHobb · 03/01/2019 22:39

Op
There are some very angry posters on your thread tonight I don’t know why,
I think maybe find something you like to do together if you’re concerned... myDH doesn’t like my choice of telly and I love to read to frequently end up with him watching telly while I read... just to be in the same room.

pintsizedblondie · 03/01/2019 22:41

My OH is an avid geek and has all sorts of geeky solo hobbies. Before we met 10 years ago, he was single for a long time and learnt to entertain himself with such activities. Who would I be to stop him from doing them now just because he's in a relationship? I am a teacher so a fair bit of spare time is spent on work or I'll watch a box set of my own, see friends or research holidays I'd like to go on. I think the main advice I could give would be to try and find hobbies of your own as you will end up resenting the time he spends doing his own thing. It's not good to be in each other's pockets too. Perhaps you could compromise and have a date night once a week whereby one week you do an activity you like together and then the next one he likes. You never know, you might enjoy some of your husband's hobbies. I've found a love for board games through my OH and we regularly play together now, so much so that we're planning on turning our front room into a board game room now! Give it a go, you might surprise yourself and I'm sure your husband would definitely appreciate the effort.

AngelaSchrute · 03/01/2019 22:42

I was in a very similar situation earlier this year OP and know how easy it is to sound controlling when you feel isolated from your husband.

DH has a time-consuming hobby that doesn't interest me. I like doing various things in the evening that he would find boring. We are also sleeping separately due to co-sleeping which was widening the gap between us both.

The key (as others have suggested) really is finding stuff to do together that interest you both. DH and I made a movie and tv show list that we are getting through that consists of stuff we both like and stuff we would really love the other to watch.

What do you like doing together?

Donkdonkgoo · 03/01/2019 22:43

🤔this sounds like my 14 year old son

TwitterQueen1 · 03/01/2019 22:49

OP
I don't understand why you're getting such a hard time here.
I've been there, and yes, it was the beginning of the end.
I was told "I always told you I needed my own space." "I don't like the tv programmes you like." and when I said I could always read a book or do something else I got "You turn the pages too noisily."

He made it very clear that he didn't want to spend time with me. And this was every. single. fucking. night. for. years. So I sat on my own, drank too much, did the washing / clearing up. and went to bed. And when he decided he was time for him to go to bed he sometimes fancied a quick fuck - there was no making love about it - so I would turn out the light and pretend to be asleep.

Oh, and I wasn't allowed to turn out his light, ever. Because he couldn't get to sleep unless he could read in bed...

I have no idea why I put up with it for as long as I did....

I would suggest you draw up some ground rules and hoik him out of his man cave to actually participate in family life.

Prinstress · 03/01/2019 22:51

ITS BEEN 3 NIGHTS CALM DOWN!

DeepanKrispanEven · 03/01/2019 22:53

Why aren't you valuing having time to yourself? Lots of couples spend a lot of time apart and enjoy it or find it acceptable

How difficult is it to work out that there is a difference between having time to yourself, and never having any time with your partner as a couple because he's constantly off playing with his toys? There are times when you just need some normal adult conversation with your partner without having children interrupting, and OP isn't getting that chance.

I second the idea of suggesting to your husband that he do some of his painting in the sitting room with you in the evenings. If he needs good light it's easy enough to import a lamp for that purpose.

DeepanKrispanEven · 03/01/2019 22:54

I'm finding it hard to get passed these two descriptions

I'm finding it hard to get past "passed", to be honest.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 03/01/2019 22:56

My partner does triathlons. He trains a lot. I read a lot and like to write. We do a lot of our own thing; we even have our own caves.

However, we both recognise that it is important to invest time and effort in our relationship, to talk and have fun and experience things together; we do not want to just drift apart and live like flatmates.

I think you need to sit down with him and have a discussion OP.