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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that being a SAHP is a full time job.

483 replies

SpottedTiger · 03/01/2019 20:07

DC1 is due soon. I'm the main earner and DH works PT, he has been seriously unwell over the last few years and this has been a huge achievement. Our plan is that after my Mat leave DH will become a SAHD and I will go back to work FT. We are both happy with this plan, however DHs family and friends are putting pressure on him to continue working PT around my work hours. Obviously if DH wants to for himself that's fine with me, but my thoughts are that looking after DD all day is a full time job in itself and it's unfair to expect him to then go to work after a full day with her when it's not financially necessary. DH works in an entry level, minimum wage job which he doesn't especially enjoy, so taking a career break for a few years shouldn't impact negatively on him from a career perspective and he is looking forward to the role of SAHD.

OP posts:
Lazypuppy · 03/01/2019 20:12

YABU it is not a job. Everything he will do is what plenty of working parents do as well as working a ft or pt job.

autumnnightsaredrawingin · 03/01/2019 20:14

You will get so many differing replies on this OP. You need to do what works best for you as a family.

JustBecauseYouAreUniqueDoesNot · 03/01/2019 20:15

If he doesn't want to, and he doesn't need to, and you don't want him to... isn't this an easy one? Just tell the family to mind their own business! Bet they wouldn't say it if he was the main earner and you were planning to stay at home.

FrederickCreeding · 03/01/2019 20:15

Of course it's not Lazypuppy! You can't look after a baby and work simultaneously.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 03/01/2019 20:16

My experience of couples who have tried to work around each other in this way is that most of them have ended up divorced.

It is really hard.

If you don’t need the money and your husband doesn’t have a career that he wants to hang onto then I would not make the very difficult, very tiring early years even harder.

BitchQueen90 · 03/01/2019 20:17

YABU (in my view) to say it's like a full time job. I was a SAHM for 4 years and it's not the same as a job, I'd never describe it as such.

But YANBU to have your family set up however you like. If you and your DH are happy with him being at home then it's no one else's business.

Shazafied · 03/01/2019 20:17

He might feel he wants to work pt for his own social needs etc , and even if this just covers othe cost of childcare then it’s his choice to make.

However if his family are pressuring him to go and work a night shift, for example , between doing all the childcare , and he doesn’t want to.... then YANBU

Oysterbabe · 03/01/2019 20:18

Yanbu. It's harder than being at work IME so he definitely shouldn't feel he has to work too. I've just returned to work after maternity leave and the peace is wonderful, it's like being on holiday.

Lazypuppy · 03/01/2019 20:18

@FrederickCreeding i never said simultaneously? Maybe re-read my post.

I completely agree, my bug bear is parents who WFH and do childcare!

avocadoincident · 03/01/2019 20:18

YANBU. You are in an enviable position. Good luck and remember decisions you make now are not set in stone. You can reevaluate as things progress

allthingsred · 03/01/2019 20:18

Yabu it's not a job.
Sahp do exactly the same as wahp. They Just have more time to do things.

AutoFilled · 03/01/2019 20:19

It’s not a full time job because you can seriously slack as a parent and no one will performance review you. You can be that parent that’s very engaged with homework and educational activities. Take them to days out and many classes. Read them stories. Or you can be the one who just Facebook and put kids in front of TV.

But it makes it easier for the FT parent if the other takes up the entire childcare and home organisation load. It’s a valuable contribution but it’s not a job.

Ohheyyy · 03/01/2019 20:19

YABU in that being a stay at home parent is HARDER than having a full time job (in my opinion).

But.... do what you gotta do and what suits your family, as in you, your DH and child. Ignore other people's comments on it as it doesn't concern them.

Shazafied · 03/01/2019 20:20

I’ve just gone back to work after being on mat leave / hol for 14 months. Work is waaayyyyy easier than looking after a baby/toddler IMO. And a nice change. We pay for childcare the days I work.

LegoPiecesEverywhere · 03/01/2019 20:20

Yes it is a full time job otherwise we could all bring our children to work.

Obsidian77 · 03/01/2019 20:20

YANBU
Definitely a full-time job, especially caring for a tiny baby.
Although if he wanted to at some stage you could arrange childcare while he works PT

Hernam3waslola · 03/01/2019 20:22

Definitely bu in saying it’s equal to a full time job, I echo what others say in that working parents will do the same things as sahp with less of the rewarding ‘fun’ time with their child. But saying that, if your family can afford it there’s no reason your husband shouldn’t stay at home

GoodPlaceJanet · 03/01/2019 20:22

If you're both happy that's all that matters. Perhaps it's not a full time "job" but it's certainly a full on role that will keep him busy and tire him out, just in a different way.

Treebauble · 03/01/2019 20:22

It is a full time job especially if you don’t have extended family around to help. We are in this situation as our families are on 2 other continents, and it makes the logistics of 2 working parents impossible. You have to also consider commute times, commute cost and when nursery closes. For us, we would have been financially worse off if we both worked and my old job’s hours as well as the trains being as irreliable as they are makes 2 parents working not possible.

AutoFilled · 03/01/2019 20:23

Well maybe others find work easy. I don’t. There are a lot of performance targets to reach. I also have a team to manage and have to be on top of what all of them are doing because I get asked the progress of all of their work. I also have to unblock any of their impediments because their non performance is my non performance.

When I’m at home for both my maternity leaves, it was a piece of cake staying at home. And I take care of them during holidays taking turns with DH.

What I do find is that I have to make adjustments to meeting time because of childcare commitments. Also I have to take time off for sickness. You don’t need that if you gave a SAHP. It’s valuable.

Yura · 03/01/2019 20:23

Being a stay at home parent for one child is not a job. It is ocassionally stressful, often boring, often fun and relaxing. Once several kids come into play, or an allotment etc, things change, but caring for one child -as long as no special needs - is what many working parents call holidays...
But working around your full time hours is crazy, or desperate If you need to - you would never see each other. Get some childcare into place, even if salary just covers the costs.

AutoFilled · 03/01/2019 20:23

I don’t have family nearby to help either.

Shazafied · 03/01/2019 20:24

sahp do exactly the same as wahp. They Just have more time to do things.

Nonsense ! You can’t work whilst looking after one or more babies / preschoolers ... unless it’s just an hour or two after they’ve gone to sleep (assuming they sleep at the same time).

Being a sahp that doesn’t use childcare / have family help is not “doing the same as a working parent but just with more time to do it”. Most working parents have someone else looking after their kids when they are working.

MakeAHouseAHome · 03/01/2019 20:25

It isn't a full time job - regardless of whether it is mother or father doing it.

HOWEVER. You will get people on here saying it isn't a full time job just because it is a man doing it. If it was a woman they would claim it is a full time, never ending job that is far more stressful than anyone in the whole wide world could ever do.

indecisivepigeon · 03/01/2019 20:25

Unless he’s paying tax and NI, it’s not a job I’m afraid.

Parenting is a responsibility, not employment.

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