To think that being a SAHP is a full time job.

[SpottedTiger]

DC1 is due soon. I'm the main earner and DH works PT, he has been seriously unwell over the last few years and this has been a huge achievement. Our plan is that after my Mat leave DH will become a SAHD and I will go back to work FT. We are both happy with this plan, however DHs family and friends are putting pressure on him to continue working PT around my work hours. Obviously if DH wants to for himself that's fine with me, but my thoughts are that looking after DD all day is a full time job in itself and it's unfair to expect him to then go to work after a full day with her when it's not financially necessary. DH works in an entry level, minimum wage job which he doesn't especially enjoy, so taking a career break for a few years shouldn't impact negatively on him from a career perspective and he is looking forward to the role of SAHD.

shazafield but during that time that the person providing the childcare is playing with them and so having the best part of parenting. Working parents will then clean the house, do food shop, homework, dinner etc and then play with the kids all in a short period of time

Everything he will do is what plenty of working parents do as well as working a ft or pt job.

Lazypuppy no, you didn't say simultaneously, but if that's not what you are implying then I'm not sure I understand your post? How can 'everything ' he does be the same as what working parents do? If you're at work then you're not at home looking after a baby. Someone needs to look after the baby.

but during that time that the person providing the childcare is playing with them and so having the best part of parenting.

And the hard bits too!!

You miss the nice bits and the difficult bits when you’re at work. And the house isn’t nearly half as untidy by evening time !

I'm intrigued to know what all the posters saying YABU and it's not a full time job do for a living.

I would say YANBU and it can be bloody hard work and if your DH is doing the nights with your newborn then it can be more tiring than going to work!

I'm currently a SAHM with a two year old, three year old and a newborn. I've chosen to be a SAHM because at the moment we couldn't afford the nursery fees for everyone.

I've taken a break from a middle management, £40k a year job with an hour and a half commute in to London each day, long hours in a demanding role but I love my job and I would still say being a SAHM is harder!

If your new roles work for you and you're both happy don't be influenced by other people, do what makes you both happy.

Looking after children is a 24/7 job.

If one or both parents go back to work, someone else provides the care whilst they are there. However when you are at work you don't cease to be a parent.

Do what works for your family & don't listen to anyone else as they aren't actually living YOUR life!

How old is your DH? i can't imagine a situation where my family and friends were putting pressure on me regarding my decision to work P/T, F/T or be a SAHP. What business is it of anyone else's?

Tell them to beak out and do whatever is right for your family.

I think the word 'job' is misleading in this situation, the fact is your DH wants to be a SAHP - that can be a full time role.

I began to write a message supporting SAHP being a full time job as I currently have a 5 month old who is harder than any job I have ever had. But then I re-read that you are taking mat leave. How long are you taking? If you are taking a decent amount of time it might be better for him to continue to work pt. It would be better in the long run for him to remain in continuous employment and he will be able to do childcare on his days off. When the baby is older and in nursery then no SAHP is not a full time job.

Either way I really wouldn't make a decision until half way into your mat leave when you'll have a better idea of what you both want.

Working parents will then clean the house, do food shop, homework, dinner etc

It’s really hard doing all of this when you have a baby/baby and toddler too. Sahp end up blasting loads of stuff in the evenings too.

This is going to turn into a SAHP v WOHP thread - they always do.

Family life is certainly easier all round if one of you stays at home. But being a SAHP is pretty boring a lot of the time.

All SAHPs need some social aspect so making new friends at baby group etc is pretty important. I’d be getting yourselves out there together when you are on mat leave and making friends, because when you get back to work it can get lonely and boring.

Am currently on maternity leave and partner working. I don’t consider being at home with my baby a job. If you have a good sleeper then definitely not. My partner works much harder than I do and I’m certain he would swap if we were able to. (Surely depends on the working parents job too, stacking shelves is going to be easier than the mental exhaustion at home)

It is also good to keep one foot in the door work wise and I wish that my partner and I were in a position for him to be at home. More men should do this role. I also personally hate that he pays for almost everything. Financial independence is important and I feel like I am not contributing. I know I am in childcare but it’s not my money paying the bills (despite my partner saying it’s ‘ours’. I haven’t earnt it).

You said it yourself, you won’t be negatively impacted financially and you’re both happy so just do what works for your family - good luck with DC1 arrival

It’s the hardest job I’ve ever done

No it’s not a paid job but in return for sacrificing my salary and career I have saved us circa 2 k a month child care for a few years. Plus the requirement for a second car.

I get up at 6.30 every day I’m lucky if I go to bed before 11 pm and co sleep with one sometimes two of our kids who are still breastfed and don’t sleep.
I run the home
I sort the bills and the car
I do all the washing and ironing and housework in the week
I do the shopping, the doctors appointments, school and nursery runs five days a week three a day of them
I do the vets, the parties, the birthday and special dates, he packing for holidays, the homework, the breakfasts and suppers and lots of the baths and the bedtimes as DH out until gone 6.30 most nights.
I do the swimming and the ballet classes
I give every last bit of myself to the raising of my children.

I also feel hugely insulted when someone tells me that they do everything I do plus works 7.5 hours a day. It’s not possible. Of course they do aspects of it but no they don’t and quite rightly there is an anticipated division of domestic labour post working day unless you are a lone parent.

I get the absolute rage when someone tells me I am not working. I might not be paid every month and have annual leave (that would be nice) but our family wouldn’t function without me more than it wouldn’t function without the salary. I work far more than 37.5 hours a week and I don’t get the perspective or freedom that a job even PT
gives me

My husband often tells me on the odd days he has them and I go and do something that he has “ been through the looking glass” and is happy to be back out.

Anyway, let’s not get too hung up on the meaning of the word “job”. Being a sahp is full time “work” , albeit unpaid.

I didn't find being a SAHP harder than work. Of course there are challenging moments but you can choose what you do with your days. If I wanted to stay at home all day with DS in my pyjamas I could. I didn't have to work to anyone's deadlines.

I work now and I find life way harder as I have to set alarms, rush around in the mornings getting DS to school then getting to work on time, then I have less time in the evenings to do housework, dinner, spend time with DS.

Everyone will have a different experience but not everyone finds being a SAHP really hard.

I used to work in a secure hospital, looking after mentally unwell adults, we were often assaulted and at risk and it was highly stressful, but I had days off and holidays. I've got 3 dc 5 and under and as the sahp with no supportive family I don't get a break, or a rest, or a holiday, and dh works all the hours to support us all, for my situation being a sahp is definitely a job, and at times it can be harder than the job I used to do.
Yanbu.

If he is going to be the SAHP, make sure he is the one to claim the child benefit so that his NICs are protected for state pension purposes. If you earn more than the cut-off, he can claim the benefit but not take the payment.

I’ve been a SAHP and am now a ‘work outside the home parent’ and looking after pre-school children is essentially a full time job (although not technically one could argue as you’re not being paid, no performance reviews etc).

I am still just as much a parent when I am at work as when I’m not but when I am at work someone else feeds them/changes them/plays with them etc etc. That person is doing a job.

You’ll never get a universal opinion as there are too many emotive opinions.

My advice is just do what’s best for your family, ignore definitions and anyone else’s opinions.

And I fully agree with Eatmycheese

@FrederickCreeding everything a SAHP does WOHP parents also do in the evenings and at weekends (basically when they are not at work). Its called parenting, SAHP just have more time to do everything in the day.

@Lazypuppy

NO. No working parent looks after a baby or toddler while simultaneously doing their full time job (with the one exception of a child minder). They pay someone else to care for their toddler while they're at work. OP's DH is working minimum wage jobs - no way will this cover childcare costs.

Bitchqueen is right.
Be sure that he's up for it and you can do it together though, modern as things are be might find that it puts a strain on the relationship to be non-typical (maybe not but really talk it through).
Could work great though and you can always change plan again if he isn't dropping a star career

If being a SAHP is 'doing what WOHP do, but with more time', why don't Nursery Workers have sidelines, during working hours, or second jobs, or Teaching Assistants?

If the OP goes back when the Baby is 12 months old and mobile, the work is constant. It's a matter of luck if you have an easy baby, or one that sleeps.

OP being a full time Parent to an under 5 year old, is a perfectly valid role and situation. Like most Female roles in our Society, they are looked down upon and undervalued.

We should be supportive of Parents who opt for this. It doesn't make sense that my age group, 50+, struggle to get work, yet we are overstretched during our child rearing time.

Also with the rise in population, we need people to be happy to not be in paid employment.

You don't need to make a decision now. Just tell people that you'll do what suits you, when the time comes.

You might change your mind, or your DH might, so it's not worth arguing about.

So baffled by some of the responses on here. Op clearly didn’t mean SAHP is literally the same as a ft job ie performance reviews, deadlines etc.
What she meant was it’s pretty hectic and full on. Plenty of SAHP feel this way. It can be exhausting, continual, draining, rewarding, fun, isolating, lonely, stressful, busy, hysterical.
Just being at home in the day as opposed to being out the house at work, creates mess, washing etc. With a baby to take care of, shopping, housework, appointments, walks, etc, it’s like a military operation sometimes.
Op is just trying to balance the reality of change when their baby arrives, with dh also working, considering her dh has been through so much.
The family are being suggestive and OP is trying to protect her dh and current family plans.

God why do people always have to grind their personal axes over whether staying at home or working is more difficult. It clearly depends massively on the type of job and type of child - OP didn't ask you personally what you find more difficult or whether you think working mums are abandoning their children or stay at home mums spend all day doing Yoga and watching Trisha.

OP in your case since DH doesn't enjoy his work, isn't progressing in his career and doesn't even earn enough to cover nursery costs it seems a o brainer that he should be a SAHP (assuming he wants to) at least for the first few years. Maybe reassess when DC is at school and he'll have time for a part time job if he can find one with school hours.

Unless DH wants to for personal reasons or you desperately need the money I wouldn't advise him working PT during your time off as you'd be left with no family time. I did this once out of necessity, only one day a weekend and it wasn't great.

it’s important work and should probably be classed as full time work. But please don’t forget there are parents who work full time, study, do voluntary work, keep a decent home and cook from scratch, care for elderly parents, take children to activities and appointments, facilitate play dates etc etc

Your DH perhaps want to consider the ‘what ifs’ and longer term issues such as pensions. If you leave him in 5/10 years or indeed, if he leaves you or you become ill and are unable to work and he hasn’t worked, like many women he will struggle to move forwards. I would personally try and keep a part time hand in work as a form of security in case the worst happens.

IMO:

1. it's not a job, or work, it's a responsibility.
2. depending on the work he did before, number of children, their personalities and his aptitude at it, it may range from being much easier than his job to much more difficult. With one very pleasant baby /toddler, I find it much easier than work personally. But if I were a different person or she were a different person it would be different.
3. 90% of the chores etc that a sahp will need to do will also be done by a eohp. The cooking, cleaning (though less as less time to make mess), appointments, vets appointments, bills etc.
4. life isn't a competition to make it as difficult as possible. If you can afford for him to stay home that's great, and your child will benefit, and you will benefit as a family from having a slightly less frantic pace of life as some of the dogwork can be done in the day.
5. so not a job, but a worthwhile investment in the family life if you can afford it.