To think that being a SAHP is a full time job.

[SpottedTiger]

DC1 is due soon. I'm the main earner and DH works PT, he has been seriously unwell over the last few years and this has been a huge achievement. Our plan is that after my Mat leave DH will become a SAHD and I will go back to work FT. We are both happy with this plan, however DHs family and friends are putting pressure on him to continue working PT around my work hours. Obviously if DH wants to for himself that's fine with me, but my thoughts are that looking after DD all day is a full time job in itself and it's unfair to expect him to then go to work after a full day with her when it's not financially necessary. DH works in an entry level, minimum wage job which he doesn't especially enjoy, so taking a career break for a few years shouldn't impact negatively on him from a career perspective and he is looking forward to the role of SAHD.

It's also a massive advantage for you if he's working as stuff will get done around the house a bit during the day so you don't have to come home and start doing laundry or cooking dinner (unless you have a DC that's really full on and you may need to pitch in a bit more).

I also feel hugely insulted when someone tells me that they do everything I do plus works 7.5 hours a day. It’s not possible.

You are right to be insulted , I am totally with you. I work 3 days a week and whilst at work I am still a parent but I’m not looking after my child , someone else is. I pick her up at 5.30, snack and playtime , bath and bed. That is not the same as “doing what a Sahp does in a day just in less time”! And when I get home the house is clean and tidy. After a day of looking after dd in the home all day the house is a TIP! And I have to blast it all when she is in bed as I CANNOT do all the necessary chores whilst looking after her.

Being a Sahp is bloody exhausting and relentless. Work can be too. And of course it depends on number / age or kids / do they sleep/ does only the sahp do night parenting

Etc etc etc

I think it’s far harder than a job. There’s never any time to yourself, and adult time can be hard to come by, especially for a sahd, as the baby groups tend to be mostly mums.

Also, you don’t know what sort of baby you’re going to get. You might get a chilled baby who sleeps and goes to people easily. Or, you might not!!

Either way, loads of luck with the birth and everything

I work in a high pressure corporate environment but am currently on maternity leave. Being a SAHP during this time is exhausting and relentless with an 8 month old and a nearly 4 year old. They are both hard work, just a different type of work. Neither is 'harder' than the other. Goodness knows why we have to keep making a competition out of it.

I would be more concerned that your partner will be the primary carer which will be a headache for you if you split up.

You get so much more from a job than just money though , why don't you try working around you both and see how it pans out first , if it is no good then you can change him working .

Make sure the child benefit is in your name.

It’s not a full time job because you can seriously slack as a parent and no one will performance review you.

It’s a FT job if you apply yourself. And I know plenty of women whose husbands have divorced them for not meeting expectations - performance review can be devastating!

As a rule of thumb, if what you're doing is something someone else would be paid a full-time wage for, then it counts as equivalent to a job.

So if you are caring for a tiny baby from 8-5, that is what a nursery worker is paid for. So it is equivalent to a job.

If you are caring for an older baby, such that a nursery worker would be expected to care for that child at a 2:1 ratio, it is a half-time job.

And so on.

If you are doing, say, 10 hours of cleaning/cooking per week, that is 10 hours of what you pay a cleaner or a cook.

Aside from that, to me it sounds like a perfect arrangement, OP. You are ok to keep working. It seems it would suit your DP. It is nice for a baby to be cared for by its parent. It's all win-win.

I wonder how many people on this thread would have raised objections had it been the female partner who was considering taking time to raise a baby?

Just do what's best for you and your family op.

Eatmycheese - I absolutely do everything you do and I work far more than 7.5 hours a day. Perhaps I just am more effective in the time I have but I do it

I also feel hugely insulted when someone tells me that they do everything I do plus works 7.5 hours a day. It’s not possible

Of course it’s possible. What utter rubbish. The only thing someone who works. Couldn’t do is a nursery run during the day but the rest of it? Absolutely.

How can people say that a parent who works outside the home does the same for their child as a parent should is stopping at home with them? What a silly statement. The SAHP is also doing all the stuff that the nursery/ child minder / nanny does whilst the WOHP is at work.

If OP's DH was to remain working PT then someone would need to look after the baby and they'd need paying to do so and if he is on min wage they would probably pay more for the child care.

It is at minimum a full time occupation with small kids in that someone needs to be caring for them all day. If it weren't then I wouldn't need to be paying a full time salary for a nanny when I'm at work.

BUT beware. I know a few couples where the man has stopped work, and in all cases he has not gone back when the few years were up. It can be hard to get back on the ladder - this is true for SAHMs also, but (unfairly) even more so or SAHDs where there is more judgement, or perhaps a suspicion that he was a slacker or unemployed.
We found this even when DH had to go part time for a few years.

Quite a few of the husbands of women I know would also prefer to stay home than be in a less great job, especially once DCs are at school and life becomes pretty nice for a sahp.
Often this breeds resentment, especially if the woman doesn't want to have the burden of full time earning, and when more DCs come and she has to return early from mat leave while he gets to care for the baby.

I agree with your family about him at least keeping a foot in the door.

I absolutely do everything you do and I work far more than 7.5 hours a day.

No you don’t. You are not looking after your kids when you are working.

The SAHP is also doing all the stuff that the nursery/ child minder / nanny does whilst the WOHP is at work.

Exactly. Unless we are all paying childminders and nurseries to do NOTHING.

i've done both. FT work with a (very young) baby, and then 8 years at home with children.
Many at home mums make their children their lives work- everyone pays bills, buys food, does laundry and housework. Everyone books appointments etc. If your kids do activities and you don't have a nanny then every parent does classes etc.
If just means you do it in your spare time when not at work.
Children of working parents don't just get picked up and put to bed.
Stop trying to validate your staying at home (really nobody cares) by implying that if you weren't at home nobody would go to tesco/ the dentist/pay the gas bill.
We all do it.

YANBU.
If he has been unwell, looking after a newborn will be hardwork. Expecting him to them go to work afterwards is crazy.

As for WOHP do exactly that. Well no they don’t. Most people work dur8ng the day, pay for childcare (so aren’t actually looking after the baby when they are full on) and then go back home. In the evening, they will parent the child but will also be able to share the load with the other parent AND sleep. Very different from been at home all day looking a baby (like a CM would do btw) , doing the HW that will expected form them and THEN going to work for a few more hours in the evening. That would be equivalent to doing a 16 hour day of work....

No they are at school - aren't yours? Then I work when they go to bed

Working parents will then clean the house, do food shop, homework, dinner etc But not do daytime childcare, or deal with the effects on the house of having young children playing in it all day.

No it isn’t rubbish. This have it all thing doesn’t exist unless you can afford a cleaner, have a meal planning service, a washer woman, parents on stand by job flexibility etc etc
You shoehorn it in when you get home or before you go out but you won’t be doing everything I do in terms of the hours spent doing it, the scale, repetition, Blah blah blah. But tell me you do if it makes you feel better to pat me on the head,

I have enormous respect and sympathy for a lot of working mothers as I have spent years working alongside them and having them as friends.

I value their role in society whether by choice or necessity so please don’t insult me by saying you are better at time management and equally perform the role of a SAHP to the degree that many of us do.

Everything he will do is what plenty of working parents do as well as working a ft or pt job
I think it's amazing that working parents can leave the house at say 8 am, get back at 6 pm and then do an extra 10 hours of childcare on top of the 14 they do overnight. It's like a time travel magic trip! Their child also holds onto their bowel and bladder so those 12 nappy changes are completed within the 14 hours they're with their parents on top of their normal nappies for those hours. Their kids also don't eat or need entertaining in those 10 hours they're away from their parents, they just remain in stasis and the magic working parent who lives an extra 10 hours every day does it all.

Yabu in that it's a full time Job because people get wages and respect from having a job. Yanbu to think it's a full day of work running around after a small baby and doing housework etc and to then feel he has to go out at say 6 pm 1 midnight and work to prove he has a penis and can support his woman is ridiculous if it isn't needed or wanted.

Personally, I don't think it's a job, no. I also disagree with those who think it's harder to stay at home with young (NT) dc than to work in paid employment, but I guess that depends on both the children and the job.

Having said that, I don't think your family set-up is anyone's business but your own, and if both you and your DH are happy with the arrangement, friends and family should keep their opinions to themselves. I assume that your DH will be claiming child benefit in order to maintain his pension contributions?

If he wanted to keep working around your hours, it's perfectly possible. DH and I both worked full time around each other when dd was a baby, and although it was hard work, we managed it (and despite what a previous poster said, we're still married more than a decade later, and we have the added bonus of having paid off the mortgage!). It's a personal choice, though, and you shouldn't let others dictate how you choose to organise your lives. It's none of their business.

Stop trying to validate your staying at home (really nobody cares) by implying that if you weren't at home nobody would go to tesco/ the dentist/pay the gas bill.
We all do it.

The ridiculous listing of tasks including paying bills and sorting the car is exactly why this argument pisses me off. Everybody does these . Being a SAHP is a thankless relentless task but please don't try to say WOHP don't have to do some of the same tasks. We don't outsource all the home admin, it still needs doing...

Unless he’s paying tax and NI, it’s not a job I’m afraid.
Parenting is a responsibility, not employment

Semantics. Of course it's a job. My husband works for a company
and gets paid.
My job is to look after the house and children. I don't get paid, but it's a job.
It's my job to look after my children.