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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that being a SAHP is a full time job.

483 replies

SpottedTiger · 03/01/2019 20:07

DC1 is due soon. I'm the main earner and DH works PT, he has been seriously unwell over the last few years and this has been a huge achievement. Our plan is that after my Mat leave DH will become a SAHD and I will go back to work FT. We are both happy with this plan, however DHs family and friends are putting pressure on him to continue working PT around my work hours. Obviously if DH wants to for himself that's fine with me, but my thoughts are that looking after DD all day is a full time job in itself and it's unfair to expect him to then go to work after a full day with her when it's not financially necessary. DH works in an entry level, minimum wage job which he doesn't especially enjoy, so taking a career break for a few years shouldn't impact negatively on him from a career perspective and he is looking forward to the role of SAHD.

OP posts:
Eatmycheese · 09/01/2019 16:16

@khalua yes it is very disheartening and something that has struck me about the tone of parts of this discussion.

It is even worse that most of them are women if not all.

As I previously commented it is as if this being able to have a duality or a more complex life and choices has led to a rejection of value based assertions of “old fashioned” aspects of being a mother. Or parent though obviously majortively women.

There is scant regard for the many educated women that do a lot more than just sit at home on their arses. Women that research has shown have a tremendously positive impact upon early years of a child’s life in terms of developing skill, responses and relationships.

RomanyRoots · 09/01/2019 16:17

Kahlua

Wow you are brave Grin
Wohp are raising their kids whilst they work, don't ya know. They keep them in a drawer in reception.

Kahlua4me · 09/01/2019 16:21

Thank you both of you. I was expecting an immediate slating 😀😀

Eatmycheese · 09/01/2019 16:46

Oh don’t worry they’ll be along. When they are back in from their actual proper jobs you know Grin

HJWT · 09/01/2019 16:46

@Lazypuppy not really when your at home all day with your child you do a lot more otherwise nurseries wouldn't charger so much

Eatmycheese · 09/01/2019 16:48

@romany i heard it was the stores room.

HJWT · 09/01/2019 16:52

Me STAHMP
Wake up feed child, change child, wash child, do painting do dishes play houses up down up down up down feed child change child play in the garden do a puzzle up down up down feed child again wash up tidy up, read books bath child put to bed and clean the house from the mess she made all day

Me At work
Sit on my ass going through paper work doing my job drinking brews and chatting to other workers.

RomanyRoots · 09/01/2019 16:56

The problem with these threads is some posters think that everyone is the same as them.
So comments are directed as fact, just because that's what the poster does.
Some parents do different things with their dc whether they work or not.
We aren't all the same and neither do we all parent the same.
A home educator is not parenting or educating the same as a working parent would, it's a 24 hour job, if it's allowed to be called a job. Grin

A sahp is probably doing a lot more parenting than a wohp by definition.
A single parent is probably working and parenting, all by themselves, some will have a good support network and others won't.

I really struggle to see how some people can't see this.

Some families with both parents working will be doing so to scrape by, and will have hardly anything left.
Others don't need the money but don't want to parent their dc and pay somebody else to do it, so they can buy shoes and handbags.
There are a lot on here like that, you can tell as the amount of money they discuss that they buy things.
Then there are all the people in between, like those who work for nothing because they aren't cut out for sahp as career too important.

Thurlow · 09/01/2019 17:02

If people are saying that cleaning, shopping, cooking, nursery/school runs, party organisation, present buying, doctors appointments, school applications, washing, clothes sorting, homework helping and all that is a job, the do WOHP have two jobs? Confused

WOHP or SAHP, I couldn't care less as long as the parent is relatively happy with their choices. SAHP might not bring in any money but they are providing an enormously important role within society and the economy.

Personally my hardest times as a parent were maternity leave where I was looking after my children all the time every day. It's not for me, I prefer being able to work. I take my hat off to anyone who is a SAHP to under 5's. It can be a hard slog some days.

What I don't get is all this chat about general housework and life admin being a "job", as if WOHP don't have do to a hell of a lot of it too?

Knittink · 09/01/2019 17:06

This is an impossible question, because everyone is interpreting 'a full time job' differently. Do you mean 'as tiring/difficult as a full-time paid job'? Or 'occupies the same number of hours a week as a paid job?' Either way, that depends on the type of paid job, the hours of the paid job, the number and type of children.

I've been a SAHM for a while and a WOHM. I'm a teacher. I have NT, relatively easy dc. Being a SAHM (even with a newborn and a toddler) was an absolute piece of cake with a cherry on top compared with ft teaching.

Babytalkobsession · 09/01/2019 17:21

I don't understand the view point that working parents have to do the same as sahp in less time....

When I'm at work I don't come home having to prepare, cook and clean up 3 meals for example. Or change dc's nappy 5 times. Or get him to nap. I'm just taking over where nursery left off. If I'd been home all day I would have done those tasks.

Personally I feel just as busy whether at work or at home (dc 5 & 2). The are both challenging but very different.

Cuddlykitten123 · 09/01/2019 17:27

A job generally had rules, training, sick days, holiday, weekends, a lunch break, ends after 8-12 hours, you get to have a hot drink, don't get weed/pooped/vomited on (ok some jobs you do), screamed at, don't all the world you've done undone by a small rascal in the blink of an eye and get to go for a wee on your own....

ArtisanPopcorn · 09/01/2019 17:50

On the days I'm at work we all still have breakfast at home, I make packed lunches at home (except DD who has a school dinner) and we all have dinner at home so I actually do have to make and clean up after 3 meals even when I'm at work all day.

BitchQueen90 · 09/01/2019 18:48

@CuddlyKitten123 yes but working parents still have to take care of their children after work and at weekends, the same as a SAHP. My day doesn't end when I finish work, I go and pick up DS, make dinner, spend time with him, get things ready for the next day, bath him, put him to bed. So the argument about weekends/holidays is a bit ridiculous. I don't get to finish work and then put my feet up.

Asgoodasarest · 09/01/2019 19:02

Romanyroots I didn’t mean the same for everyone that literally we all do the same things exactly. Bad choice of phrase perhaps. More that I can see parents have a lot in common whether they are a SAHP or WOHP.
We all have to make sure our kids are looked after, the life admin is done, phone calls are made, friends and family are seen etc etc. I was trying to show some understanding, whilst pointing out that it isn’t possible for a wohp to be doing exactly the same as a sahp.

Seems a shame to be endlessly battling each other when we are all just doing what’s right for our circumstances.

MariaNovella · 09/01/2019 21:46

The definition of “a job” is not its attached employment rights. A job is a set of tasks with a finite objective.

RomanyRoots · 09/01/2019 22:50

Asgood

Apologies, sometimes I do take things literally, I'm wired a bit daft sometimes Thanks

OutOntheTilez · 10/01/2019 05:03

Lots of people here seem to think it is more worthwhile to pay somebody else to raise your children whilst you go out to work somewhere else. Just shows really how materialistic our society has become...

There’s an assumption that if a family has both parents working, it must be because they’re materialistic/want the latest gadgets/biggest and best of everything.

When I was a teenager, my dad said to me, “Never rely on anybody else to support you financially; not your mother and me, not some man, and certainly not the government.” My parents had four of us, and never once has any of us ever run to Mommy and Daddy with our hands outstretched because we got into financial trouble and couldn’t pay the rent, or needed them to co-sign a loan application. We have always been able to fend for ourselves.

A job is an insurance policy. Men usually pass away before their wives. Fifty percent of marriages will end in divorce. As a woman, the odds are against me. If my husband loses his job, asks for a divorce, or dies, all the hugs and kisses in the world won’t matter if I couldn’t take care of my children financially. Someone needs to earn money so a family can live, and placing that financial burden solely on one person is risky.

Also, people are living longer. My grandmother lived to 103. I don’t want to outlive my money and become a financial burden to my adult children, when they will have their own children and spouses and mortgages and jobs and bills and retirements to worry about. When they are in their forties and fifties and juggling their own families and responsibilities, they won’t care how many diapers I changed or how many scraped knees I did or didn’t bandage when they were little. The best gift I can give my adult children is staying healthy and financially secure.

No doubt that some people are working for fancy gadgets and nice cars. Good for them. But if they’re smart, they’re thinking about their futures, also.

chillydawg · 10/01/2019 06:37

These threads go round and round.
Is being a sahp as demanding as having a full time job?
Depends on your children and depends on your job.
Depends on your personality!

MariaNovella · 10/01/2019 08:32

A job is an insurance policy.

This is what I naively believed until the reality of the costs of working hit me.

Asgoodasarest · 10/01/2019 10:27

No worries Romanyroots, this is one of those topics that really stirs up a lot of emotion I think.
I think outonthetilez makes some interesting points. You can be vulnerable as a SAHP, you’ve got to weight up those risks in your decision making. But I think in reality an awful lot of working parents can’t survive on their wage alone. There seems to be an assumption that everyone working can be financially self sufficient and this isn’t the case a lot of the time.

Not everyone working loves their job, is challenged and well paid.

Barbie222 · 10/01/2019 14:59

@OutOnTheTiles what a great post. It's really important to see the bigger picture.

MuddlingMackem · 13/01/2019 15:15

I remember as a child in the late 70s / early 80s when the women's lib movement was fighting for the right for women to be able to MAKE THE CHOICE TO continue working after having children without being pilloried for it.

When did the situation morph into women HAVING THE OBLIGATION to continue working after having children or be pilloried for it?

And for true equality, equally men should also have be able to make the choice to stay home with children without being pilloried or looked down upon for that choice.

Ultimately, as many posters have said, the decision should be made based on what is best for your household's financial situation and the personalities of the people involved.

Barbie222 · 13/01/2019 15:22

MuddlingMackem - probably when house prices rose as a direct result of there being more disposable income to each household.

MuddlingMackem · 18/01/2019 00:42

@Barbie222, yes, I've read articles before which said that had a bearing on it. Personally I think that mortgage lending should still have been restricted to 3 x one wage (with a choice of which one to base it on) and that would have kept house prices at a more reasonable level.