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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that being a SAHP is a full time job.

483 replies

SpottedTiger · 03/01/2019 20:07

DC1 is due soon. I'm the main earner and DH works PT, he has been seriously unwell over the last few years and this has been a huge achievement. Our plan is that after my Mat leave DH will become a SAHD and I will go back to work FT. We are both happy with this plan, however DHs family and friends are putting pressure on him to continue working PT around my work hours. Obviously if DH wants to for himself that's fine with me, but my thoughts are that looking after DD all day is a full time job in itself and it's unfair to expect him to then go to work after a full day with her when it's not financially necessary. DH works in an entry level, minimum wage job which he doesn't especially enjoy, so taking a career break for a few years shouldn't impact negatively on him from a career perspective and he is looking forward to the role of SAHD.

OP posts:

Cheerbear23 · 03/01/2019 21:19

SarahAndQuack don’t get daft now.

All kids grow up & go to school, they also get plenty of school holidays, and when they do people usually use their ‘holidays’ from work to look after their kids.

Amallamard · 03/01/2019 21:20

To be honest you will get people with strong opinions on this in both directions, mostly because they are trying to convince themselves that their choices are the right ones and therefore other people must be wrong. That doesn't allow for different circumstances in different families. If it works for your family then do it and try not to listen to what other people say. It's none of their business.

As a role it can be utterly relentless, you can never get away from it, that is what makes it hard more than the physical (or mental) work that you need to do. These decisions are not set in stone though. There's nothing stopping him deciding to start work again whenever he wants to/it suits you as a family.

SoupDragon · 03/01/2019 21:21

People do realise that "job" does not only refer to paid employment don't they?

notonefunkgiven · 03/01/2019 21:21

I cannot bear it when people say their job is stay at mummy/daddy
It's not a job, it's a life choice. Your children are not your job they are your children
Plenty of people work full time yet are still parents. Gets my goat!

SleepingStandingUp · 03/01/2019 21:23

Looking after your child isn't a job but it is work.

It can be very hard work.

It's valid work.

It isn't necessary to do the child caring work and then go out and get a job just to prove yourself.

It isn't necessary to feel superior or inferior for doing full time child caring work instead of a job or a job instead of full time child caring work

It isn't necessary to put down someone what occupies someone else's dayto justify your own choices.

SarahAndQuack · 03/01/2019 21:23

I don't think I am being daft?

My point is that you can't pretend that childcare isn't work, just because when you take time off work, you don't charge for caring for your own children.

If your child is in nursery or school most of the time, and then you take a week off and they're not in nursery or school, this does not prove that looking after them isn't a job, does it? If looking after them were not a job, then they would not need any care for the other 51 weeks of the year! I think we can safely assume that, when a parent takes a 'break' from work and cares for their children, they are in fact doing unpaid work. Right? And they are able to do that work because they've been given time off their main job.

For anyone who works multiple jobs, this will already be familiar. You can perfectly well be paid a full-time wage for one job, and still find you end up working in another job, because you need the money.

Childcare can be like that, too.

SoupDragon · 03/01/2019 21:24

Plenty of people work full time yet are still parents.

And yet they are not looking after their children full time. That is the distinction.

Shazafied · 03/01/2019 21:24

@Cheerbear23 not sure what point you are trying to make here. Sahp don’t get any hols either so it’s a zero sum game that.

WorraLiberty · 03/01/2019 21:26

Plenty of people work full time yet are still parents.

And what do they do with their kids when they're working full time?

They pay someone whose job it is to look after their children.

So how can looking after your own children not be considered a job?

StoppinBy · 03/01/2019 21:26

Tricky one, physically it's not a full time job but the hours are definitely full time so if you can afford for your partner to not work then this is definitely a fair decision to make.

If your partner works around you then where is the family time for you all to spend together going to some from.

Personally I miss work and will be looking for some night work once my toddler is night weaned so I can work around my hubby's hours BUT it would only be a couple of nights a week, being up until 1am 5 nights a week and then back up at 6:30 to take care of kids is not my idea of a fair split of work when the person who works during the day will likely get a full nights sleep most nights.

Do what works for you, tell everyone else to rack off and let you both run your family as you see fit.

No YANBU to see it as a full time job, the hours are more than full time and the mental load is just the same, I find work more relaxing in fact as when watching young kids my brain never ever switches off, even when they are in bed, at work, there are real adult conversations and breaks to do as you please with, zero responsibilities, haha, my hubby tries to go to work if he is sick as his bosses there allow him to take it easy, the little people at home don't care if you are sick haha.

Nnnnnineteen · 03/01/2019 21:28

SAHP is a full time use of your time if they are pre school. Post that, it is a child minding role that presumably suits both parents. It is hardly a job when there is no-one to parent.

Fatted · 03/01/2019 21:30

I've done what people are proposing DH does. I worked part time evenings around my DH's hours after having our second baby. My job was also stressful (999 control room operator).

Personally, I'd say trying to work part time like that was harder than being a SAHP. I was up every morning around 6/7, had the kids all day and then had to do my shift in work with 60 minutes traveling and didn't get home until 11pm. Then I was so wired I couldn't sleep. I hardly saw DH because I worked every other weekend. When eldest went to school and youngest had free hours in nursery, I just used the time to do jobs, housework shopping etc and never really had much time for myself.

I went back full time in September now eldest is in full time school and youngest gets 30 free hours. He will be in full time school in September anyway. It's not any easier, but I get more sleep now at least.

frogsoup · 03/01/2019 21:33

"Plenty of people work full time yet are still parents"

but they are not parenting when they are at work!

I honestly think people must be a few sandwiches short of a picnic when they claim they work a full time job AND do everything a SAHP does. When I am at work, I am not changing nappies, I'm not feeding anyone other than myself, and I'm not entertaining my kids. Someone else is doing that instead of me! So in what possible universe am I doing the same as a SAHP and working as well? They are spending 14 hours a day with their kids, while on a work day I spend about 4 hours with them. If you think those two are the same, you are both spectacularly crap at maths, and completely deluded.

LotsToThinkOf · 03/01/2019 21:34

OP do what works for your family. Just please don’t dress up the SAHP as having that as their ‘job’. Parenting is not a job - it’s hard work, but it’s not a job. Taking care of someone else’s child is a job, childcare.

DrFoxtrot exactly this. The justification of SAHP being a job is always through a list of chores which WOHP have to do alongside their paid employment.

It amazes me that, as a collection of parents on here, posters still feel the need to validate their SAHP role by saying its a job, you don’t! There is nothing wrong with this role! There is nothing wrong with being at home with your children all day. The problem is when it’s labelled a job because then some of us who are WOHM parents feel that we are being judged for leaving this job. It also irritates me because there is no way a SAHP can possibly feel the pressure of parenting on top of the pressure from work, it’s exhausting.

Fatted · 03/01/2019 21:34

I should say I did what we needed to do and could afford to do at the time. If I could have afforded not to work at all for a few years, then I would have done that. I couldn't afford to go full time with the childcare costs until youngest was 3.

DrFoxtrot · 03/01/2019 21:34

@LaurieMarlow has it spot on

Genevieva · 03/01/2019 21:34

Whether you describe it as a job or not is irrelevant. Staying at home with young children is a valuable use of a parent's time. Make family arrangements that suit you and ignore the opinions of others.

Shazafied · 03/01/2019 21:35

Fatted That must have been so hard ! Looking after kids all day, then when Dp gets home leaving to do an evening shift (assuming DP did bath and bedtime and was responsible for the kids when you were at work ?) , then coming home and being up with the kids at night if they don’t sleep. That’s hard.

LaurieMarlow · 03/01/2019 21:36

but they are not parenting when they are at work!

It's more accurate to say that they are not caring for their children when they're at work.

They are parents 100% of the time.

Shazafied · 03/01/2019 21:38

Just please don’t dress up the SAHP as having that as their ‘job’.

I don’t think anyone is saying that being a sahp is a job in the literal sense eg paid employment . But it is just as hard work. And there’s “no dressing up” required to say that childcare is work.

sparkleandsunshine · 03/01/2019 21:38

I agree with the poster that said it’s not a job but it is hard work!

The way I see it, if he decided he wanted to work full time and you were also working full time, then you would have to Pay someone to look after the baby full time and that would be their FULL TIME JOB!!

So whilst I wouldn’t say necessarily that it’s a full time job, I would say that it is work that can take up all your time.

At the end of the day who gives a monkeys what anyone else thinks, it’s your family, and if this is what’s best for you then crack on and tell everyone else to mind their own x

Shazafied · 03/01/2019 21:39

It's more accurate to say that they are not caring for their children when they're at work.

They are parents 100% of the time.*

Agree. A lot of this debate is confusion around semantics . Job vs work vs role . Childcare vs parenting.

MarmiteTermite · 03/01/2019 21:40

IMHO it’s a lifestyle choice that most people can’t afford these days. I was lucky enough to be made redundant on return from maternity leave, so was able to be a SAHP for a while. Whilst it was demanding, I enjoyed it and think work is more difficult.

Cheerbear23 · 03/01/2019 21:40

Shazafied from when I was a SAHM my list of ‘tasks’ would be household tasks which would exist, and mainly still require doing, whether I worked or not. That’s why myself & PP’s have made this point. It’s not a ‘job’ and can’t be presented as one, however as I said i know it can be hard at times and sometimes thankless.

LannieDuck · 03/01/2019 21:41

It sounds like a great solution for you - you don't need his income, he doesn't enjoy his job, and if it gets too much for him (with having been ill), you can look putting baby in nursery for 1/2 days.

Don't listen to anyone else, just do what's right for the two of you. If the positions were reversed and you were considering giving up PT work to look after LO, do you think your family/friends would have the same concerns about you becoming a SAHM? (i.e. are they reacting badly because he should be the breadwinner?)

Looking after a child can be hard work. But it'll help you (as a couple) immensely to have one parent at home (to deal with illnesses / appointments etc).

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