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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that being a SAHP is a full time job.

483 replies

SpottedTiger · 03/01/2019 20:07

DC1 is due soon. I'm the main earner and DH works PT, he has been seriously unwell over the last few years and this has been a huge achievement. Our plan is that after my Mat leave DH will become a SAHD and I will go back to work FT. We are both happy with this plan, however DHs family and friends are putting pressure on him to continue working PT around my work hours. Obviously if DH wants to for himself that's fine with me, but my thoughts are that looking after DD all day is a full time job in itself and it's unfair to expect him to then go to work after a full day with her when it's not financially necessary. DH works in an entry level, minimum wage job which he doesn't especially enjoy, so taking a career break for a few years shouldn't impact negatively on him from a career perspective and he is looking forward to the role of SAHD.

OP posts:
CripsSandwiches · 03/01/2019 20:57

I absolutely do everything you do and I work far more than 7.5 hours a day.

I never get people who spout this rubbish. Look by working you do some things a stay at home parent doesn't do but you very obviously don't do everything they do. Unless you take your baby to work with you you don't care for them all day (change their nappies, entertain them, cuddle them etc) someone else does it for you! Even if they're at full time school you don't do as much as a stay at home parent and work full time because they're in after school care or with an au pair/childminder nanny and likewise in the school holidays they're cared for elsewhere.

SouthernComforts · 03/01/2019 20:58

No. It's not a job. Being hard doesn't make it a job. I could paint my bedroom, but it doesn't mean I'm employed as a decorator.

SarahAndQuack · 03/01/2019 20:58

I have to say this, despite being in full support of the OP/OP's DH, and of anyone who is a SAHP.

But. I am currently a SAHP and have also worked from home for varying amounts of time, and it IS possible to work 7.5 hours and be a SAHP. Its bloody horrible. I do not recommend it. But, for example, when my DD was a year old I was a full-time SAHP and I also had three months where I put in what my publisher considered to be full time work (and it bloody was!). Before that, when she was 5.5 months to 8 months, I wasn't a full-time SAHM because my partner had 1.5 days off, but I was working slightly over a full-time stint and that all had to fit into 3.5 days.

A lot of supposedly 'SAHP's have it harder. I know people whose partners do shift work meaning they never get a break. I know people who act as SAHPs but actually do overnights or part-time shifts while their children are sleeping.

The point is, none of this is really sensible. We live in a culture where we're pushed to work rather than caring for children, and where childcare is hugely expensive and not much subsidised. I think it is absurd and ultimately, we'll all lose out because of it.

CripsSandwiches · 03/01/2019 20:59

Unless he’s paying tax and NI, it’s not a job I’m afraid.
Parenting is a responsibility, not employment

Look this is just silly I work (almost) full time and am getting sick of this SAHP bashing. When people say it's a job it's very obvious what they mean. (It means it's hard work at times and has value both economically and socially) of course they don't literally mean they are employed and pay tax and pay slips etc. Everyone knows this is what is meant so by pointing it out you're not adding to the discussion.

SouthernComforts · 03/01/2019 21:00

I should add I've been a SAHM, then a single parent, I've worked PT, FT, shifts, 9-5 and the rest so no bias.

Cheerbear23 · 03/01/2019 21:01

Parenting is a responsibility, not employment.

I agree with this^^ being a SAHP is not ‘working’ or equivalent to employment, it’s being a parent to your own child.

I’ve been SAHM, worked PT & FT. However let’s not lose sight of the fact being a SAHP is not easy, can be mind numbing in winter or crappy weather, and socially isolating so it’s not an ‘easy’ option either.

To the poster who said make sure the child benefit is in your name, why?

Blessthekids · 03/01/2019 21:01

@SpottedTiger

Why did you create a thread on this Grin, always turns into some divisive battle ground Sad. Yet honestly, does it matter who does what? As long as it works for your family then why the feck shouldn't someone be a SAHP or a work full or part-time, and why does one person's choice offend others? As someone else said it is not a competition, you get no points and there are no prizes!

I would say talk with dh about all the pros and cons. Make sure that he has goals and works on them to get the most out of this career break as well as spending time with his child. Definitely claim and put child benefit in his name even if you actually don't get the money, he still needs the NI credits.

Allthewaves · 03/01/2019 21:01

Dh was a sahd with dc1. It worked for us. No child are costs and dc was happy.

CripsSandwiches · 03/01/2019 21:01

@SarahAndQuack

In that case surely you were just doing your work at night from home. It certainly wouldn't be sustainable to work at home while simultaneously caring for a toddler - they need a lot of interaction and it just wouldn't be possible to give them the interaction they needed while also concentrating on your work.

Shazafied · 03/01/2019 21:04

@sleepingstandingup that made me laugh out loud - you are totally right !

Pachyderm1 · 03/01/2019 21:05

Everything he will do is what plenty of working parents do as well as working a ft or pt job.

No it isn’t. Working parents aren’t simultaneously looking after their kids. They’re paying someone else to look after their kids while they are at work.

OP - do what works for you and your DH! Ignore judgy fuckers.

SarahAndQuack · 03/01/2019 21:05

crisps, I currently work from home while simultaneously caring for a toddler.

I don't mean doing work at night (though I think that is an important consideration).

When my DD was smaller, I literally sat marking essays and writing articles while looking after her. And it was very hard work, and I hated having constantly to take so much mental energy keeping half of my mind on work while also keeping her happy and stimulated. But, I did it. I wrote a whole article in three weeks while teaching more than a full-time load and also looking after her 3.5 days. I am very proud of that fact and I'm not going to pretend it was easier than it was - while also thinking it is not right that I should have done it.

FFSFFSFFS · 03/01/2019 21:07

Of course its like a job.

If he wasn't looking after your child who would? Someone PAID TO DO IT AS A JOB.

He's just getting crap because he's a man doing "lifework". Bugger that.

Hernam3waslola · 03/01/2019 21:10

I don’t understand how it can be viewed as a job. When you take annual leave (and don’t go on holiday) your leave basically makes you a sahp and that is counted as a break

SleepingStandingUp · 03/01/2019 21:10

I absolutely do everything you do and I work far more than 7.5 hours a day
Unless you are working from home in which case you aren't giving either your full attention, you are no doing 7 nappy changes, 2 clothes changes, lunch, 3 hours of nursery thymes where they'll only sing one, 2 hours of patting whilst they're overtired but won't nap and cleaning up from 10 hours at home. Or anything else a sahp dues from say 8 am to 6 pm.

You do still do bills and housework and cooking and worrying and possible bedtimes and dressing and playing. But you cannot physically do 24 hours of childcare if you aren't with your child for 24 hours a day!

Hernam3waslola · 03/01/2019 21:11

People are paid to do it when you can’t because it’s a job when it’s not your child that you’re looking after. Childcarers aren’t parenting

Canibuildasnowman · 03/01/2019 21:11

It’s not a job. It’s looking after your own child. Do what suits you but of course you can work part-time and look after a child/ use child care/nursery etc.

SarahAndQuack · 03/01/2019 21:12

I don’t understand how it can be viewed as a job. When you take annual leave (and don’t go on holiday) your leave basically makes you a sahp and that is counted as a break

Really?! Shock

So your kids are unsupervised in your home 9-5, the entire rest of the time? Gosh, you must really be close with your local police/social services.

Is it perhaps more honest to admit you mean your kids are usually in nursery/school?

Ninoo25 · 03/01/2019 21:13

Being a SAHP is not a ‘job’, but that does not mean it’s not worthwhile doing, or that you can do a job at the same time.
I’m a SAHM and will be looking for a part time job once my youngest starts school IF me and my DH think it’s worth it. At the moment I just about manage to get everything done and that’s with my youngest now in nursery 2 days a week. Me being a SAHM means my DH can work the hours needed and don’t worry about anything else. Weekends are family time with no other household chores etc getting in the way. It’s only like this now my youngest is older and approaching school age. Looking after a baby as a SAHP though is a whole other ball game and it’s bloody hard with no break, as when you’re baby sleeps you’re expected to do the housework as the SAHP.
Ultimately do what works for your family and tell your relatives to butt out.
Other posters getting on high horses about how nothing is a job unless you are paid and how working parents do the same as a SAHP but in less hours need to seriously get a grip and stop being so hateful for no reason, it’s not a competition you know!

Hernam3waslola · 03/01/2019 21:14

sarahandquack what do you mean? If I take annual week this week and had a 2 year old, they wouldn’t be in nursery or school and I would be looking after them. This would be counted as a break

LaurieMarlow · 03/01/2019 21:16

Same old points rehashed time after time.

We need to distinguish between 1) being a parent 2) day to day care for one's children 3) running a home.

Being a parent is not a job, it's a responsibility. All parents are 'parents' 100% of the time.

Day to day care of one's children is a separate issue. It is not (usually) possible to do this while holding down a job so WOHP outsource this for X hours a day. I'd say this is close enough to a job, given that people like nursery workers can be paid to do it.

Running a home is not a job, everyone needs to do it. SAHP have more scope to cover these duties while day to day caring for their children, WOHP usually need to fit this around their full time job, so have more to do in a shorter time, though this is not always the case.

OP, the semantics of whether SAHP is a 'job' or not isn't particularly helpful. Do what works for you family. Ignore unhelpful opinions from outsiders.

Shazafied · 03/01/2019 21:16

Childcarers aren’t parenting*

They are looking after your child when you are not looking after your child.

When I am at work I am not magically, telepathically, parenting my child rpm my desk. I am not looking after for 10 hours that day. Someone else is doing all that. You cannot work and look after a baby at the same time. Ergo parents who are at work are not doing the same amount of childcare as a sahp.

And yes we all have to pay bills etc but I’d wager a sahp with more than one young child does most admin stuff when the children have gone to bed. They are not doing it all simultaneously as it’s just not possible! Childcare is work !

SoupDragon · 03/01/2019 21:17

Is this the first SAHP v WOHP thread of the year?

Shame it's still full of the same old bollocks. Have we really not moved on at all?

SarahAndQuack · 03/01/2019 21:18

hernam, where is the 2 year old when you are not on annual leave? I'm pretty sure you don't leave them home alone!

Hernam3waslola · 03/01/2019 21:18

If parenting is a job because childcare is, is walking your dog a job because dogwalking is?