To think my husband is being unfair about my charity work

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We used the services of a charity a couple of years ago and I now volunteer for them. It’s a specialised and skilled role which I find interesting and challenging. And of course it helps other people.

However, my husband believes it is no different to a hobby and then takes exception to it impacting on the things he sees as my role. He works full time, I am a SAHM and am unable to do paid work due to a disability. This voluntary work helps keep me sane and makes me feel useful once more. I have no other hobbies.

AIBU to think that he’s BU by treating it as the same as any other hobby when actually it’s so importnant to me AND benefits other people’s lives? Most of my work is done during the day when the children are at school or in the evening when they’re in bed. He sees this as using my “free time” which means I actually don’t get much down time at all. AIBU or is he?

Technically, I would argue that, because the OP has become disabled but still has an income she could be entitled sit on her backside between 9am-5pm doing nothing while her money still rolls in. She would not be doing her "duties" if she was out at work.

I agree with you on this. But: do we know if he is complaining that there's dust on the skirting boards when he comes home, or because he's now expected to sometimes spend a few hours in the evening doing things he didn't have to do before? Because these are two different scenarios.

Although I agree with the DH that her volunteering counts as part of her free time and not as work, it doesn't follow that now she's disabled she has to do more cleaning than before, if that is the issue.

(I wonder how many answers would change if she made clear exactly what the issue was.)

Need more info really but I have some sympathy with your husband potentially.

My DH has a business that brings in zero income but he considers it as work and treats it the same as my job (which pays for everything).

So he'll "work" all weekend and I do all childcare at the weekend on top of my full time job all week. I don't really mind because I want to spend all weekend with DS but I do find the inequity of "time to do whatever we want" a bit frustrating.

His "whatever he wants" is running his business/ arty hobby. I get zero "whatever I want" time.

(I wonder how many answers would change if she made clear exactly what the issue was.)

This x 100.

Will the OP ever actually come back to answer the questions from all those who have replied?!

Your DH sounds an absolute dick, assuming you aren’t spending 24 hours a day volunteering & the household is still ‘running’ why shouldn’t you use your ‘down time’ to volunteer. My DH & I actually met through volunteering & it has always been a huge part of our life; when I was a SAHM I spent a lot of time volunteering, taking my DS with me awell as volunteering when he was at Playschool or asleep & my DH fully supported me. I couldn’t have any respect for someone who didn’t value volunteering. And I agree with others, rightly or wrongly a huge number of volunteers support our communities, without volunteers the world would be an even tougher place.

The test appear to be what "the value of the work is to the family" - but it seems this means the value to the husband and the children.

No it doesn't mean that, "the family" means all of them. Taking your objection on board would mean we wouldn't distinguish between playing Golf and working down a coal mine to bring in money as legitimate contributions to family life.

Of course your work is valuable. It's valuable to the community and it also helps you. How very insular of your DH and many here to see it as not valuable just because it does not directly benefit your family dna.

You say that you are a SAHM, but are you? It sounds to me like you are an early retiree. A SAHM is someone who chooses to stay at home to focus on looking after the children and doing housework. That's not you.

I was a SAHM for three years, and I have to say that had a negative impact on my relationship with my ex. Previously he'd declared himself a modern man who believed inequality of the sexes. But now he saw himself as having to do all the work while I sat around enjoying myself at his expense. Slightly exaggerated, but basically true . He lost respect for me and definitely treated me as if my opinion was worth less, and his time and wishes were more important.

I wonder if your husband is having similar problems adjusting to your new relationship? And perhaps he even is a little bit jealous that you have more free time now, even though, as someone said, he wouldn't want your health issues any more than you do.

Have you considered doing a bit of counselling? I just thought the stresses I had with my ex were a natural part of having children, but in fact, now I think we both could have done more to deal with it.

@MumW

So, working in retail or minimum wage roles is 'demeaning', but working for nothing and being kept by someone else isn't? How breathtakingly rude to everyone who is employed in such positions. And how fucking dare someone who does nothing, look down on those who go out and work for a living. Unbelievable.

But it’s about finding a balance.

Just because something is valuable to the wider community doesn’t mean that it’s impact in the family should be ignored. She needs to sit down with her partner and discuss things and find a balance.

Like I said earlier I volunteered to a very high level, it was a hobby. It got to the point where it was taking too much (time, physically and mentally) away from family life that it was no longer feesible to carry on in the role I was.

’ why shouldn’t you use your ‘down time’ to volunteer.

I think this is the key - she should be able to use her downtime to do absolutely whatever she wants. I thought the issue was that she doesn't agree that her volunteering forms part of her downtime?

I don't see this as a sexist/misogynistic issue- no matter which partner it is, if one person is being left to do dinner/homework/bed after a full day at work while the other pops off and does an activity that is not required to be carried out then that is unfair. If OP is working with a charity that can only operate between 6-9 pm then that's different to being able to choose the hours she volunteers.

But FFSFFS she can get that value during the 7 hours or so free time

How very insular of your DH and many here to see it as not valuable just because it does not directly benefit your family

Fair enough, but when the volunteering begins to have a negative impact on the family, then the situation needs to be looked at again.

OP of course you should be able to do your voluntary work. This is your LIFE we are talking about - does he really think you should accept your disability and just service the house and family? Fuck that. You are entitled to find fulfilment and happiness

If roles were reversed and DH wasn’t working (paid or unpaid) and I was working full time, I think I would struggle that he was off all day whilst the kids were at school and then spent (eg) 6-8/9pm volunteering. Especially if he didn’t see this as downtime and wanted to someone have more downtime. I would probably also feel like he was avoiding me!

It IS a Hobby.

That doesn't make any difference, Does it? ... EVERYONE should have hobbies,It's part of having a fulfilling life... multiple hobbies even better if possible,.... .... You Husband is being unreasonable ...

Those who are saying he’s being unreasonable

Would you really be ok with working all day, home to do the dinner / dc then do more after the volunteer work so the school age sahp can have a rest?

Or would you say why can’t you do this in the day when you have free time?

I’m trying to think what volunteering work is done in the evenings and not in the day?

I’m trying to think what volunteering work is done in the evenings and not in the day?

Shifts for Samaritans or la leche or something?

FFS, she has said already...she cannot work at her previous level doing what she did. Hence the payout.

And not every evening

Shifts for Samaritans or la leche or something?

Yes, I was thinking maybe along the lines of cubs/brownies but that wouldn’t be every evening.

You’d think that shifts for that sort of thing would be every shared out so that someone with young school-aged children wasn’t always doing evenings?

I used to do volunteer work - emergency service work, 3 am call outs to help people seriously injured and desperately in need. Volunteer work is often essential especially where specific skills are required. Your DH sounds like a spoilt manchild who is jealous of your time spent elsewhere. Is he controlling of other activities? You bring in an income (regardless of which role it comes from) so he should develop a healthier respect for your activities. Seems he would just prefer to you be a domestic slave rather than share the burden of the household. YANBU

So, working in retail or minimum wage roles is 'demeaning', but working for nothing and being kept by someone else isn't? How breathtakingly rude to everyone who is employed in such positions. And how fucking dare someone who does nothing, look down on those who go out and work for a living. Unbelievable.
@DeltaG Your words not mine. I most certainly do not look down on those who work for a living. Your post says more about you than me.

I really enjoyed working on the shop floor, a 9 hour contract with extra shifts cancelled left right and centre and the associated childcare issues/costs just didn't work for me. I worked with some really lovely people, it was just the management's attitude that sucked.

If I had a contract with a sensible number of hours with shifts set with reasonable notice then I would jump at the job.

How fucking dare your put words in my mouth and how fucking dare you say I do nothing. I do all the household chores. How fucking dare you call me a kept women, I contribute to the household in other ways than paid employment.

Just off to do nothing a couple of hours of unworthwhile, unpaid charity work now.