To think my husband is being unfair about my charity work

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We used the services of a charity a couple of years ago and I now volunteer for them. It’s a specialised and skilled role which I find interesting and challenging. And of course it helps other people.

However, my husband believes it is no different to a hobby and then takes exception to it impacting on the things he sees as my role. He works full time, I am a SAHM and am unable to do paid work due to a disability. This voluntary work helps keep me sane and makes me feel useful once more. I have no other hobbies.

AIBU to think that he’s BU by treating it as the same as any other hobby when actually it’s so importnant to me AND benefits other people’s lives? Most of my work is done during the day when the children are at school or in the evening when they’re in bed. He sees this as using my “free time” which means I actually don’t get much down time at all. AIBU or is he?

How long have you been volunteering OP and how long have you been disabled?

I think your husband is being insensitive and you need to talk to him about your mental health.

The OP specified in her very first post that she generally does the work when the children are at school or in bed... I think the argument is, therefore, whether she should be expectd to treat this work as a mere hobby, or if it is more than that.

How about if we changed the scenario slightly: say it is paid work, but the dh thinks it is pointless, because it's just "pocket money" the family don't need and means she doesn't fulfil her duties in the home to his satisfaction, and he finds it annoying when she tells him she's tired because she's had a busy day - because she is unnecessarily choosing to tire herself out on her unnecessary job. How would you all react then??? At what point does it become justifiable for a woman to be doing work of importance and relevance outside of the home environment? Is 2-3 hours a day of work such a dreadfully excessive amount that it should only be permitted if it is 100% taken from your "free time" and does not fatigue you in any way whatsoever? Should voluntary work be as easily dropped as a planned round of golf? What would those relying on voluntary services think of that?

My mother does unpaid administrative work for her club. It involves sitting at the computer organising events, sending out newsletters etc. and could be done at any time of the day and night.

Are people suggesting that there is no such thing as evening volunteering and that OP is making up the whole situation? Or what's the point of that discussion?

Fair enough, but when the volunteering begins to have a negative impact on the family, then the situation needs to be looked at again

But it's not. The OP's DH thinks it is "impacting on the things he sees as my role", which is entirely different.

The person who has to do 2 hours work does it in the 7 hours free time. They both muck in when the other is home (not everything but dc stuff) then both relax when dc are asleep.

It sounds like the volunteer work is flexible since it’s usually done in the day but op hasn’t said.

I suppose the disconnect is where I need a break after a particularly tricky day and then he says “it’s your choice, you did this in your free time.”

I think you need to communicate exactly what it is that each of you are unhappy about to come to a happy balance. From this, it sounds like he’s coming home from work and you need him to take over at home but he’s wondering why you choose to do something that’s causing you such stress? Are you struggling/doing too much volunteering?

Shifts for Samaritans that wouldn't be fro home.

OP didn't say every night, she said occasionally.

Personally OP I think he needs to appreciate what YOU get from volunteering that makes your family work better.

I'm a SAHM, DP works full time. I do volunteer work that's focused into weekends so maybe 6 weekends a year, half of which may be Thursday - Monday. DH books the week dyas off work if necessary and has DS on his own for all those weekends. He understands the value I get from volunteering that then translates into me being a happier person.
He also understands that even though DH is in nursery two hours a day, some weekends I need a few hours to myself.

He isn't more important that me because he works and as such, my mental well being matters too

OP I was in the same 'catch 22' position as you are. Wasn't fit to work but had a proportion of my salary paid from an insurance policy through my firm until I was 65. Had yearly reviews. Being in full time paid employment means you're expected to be in work every day, apart from the occasional sick day. When you've been classed as 'unfit to work' it means the insurer recognises you're not able to commit to working every day. No employer wants someone who is not reliable and I likely to call in 'sick' for days or weeks at a time.
I too did voluntary work too, but not as many hours as you do. This essentially was work for which I was not paid. Definitely not a hobby; my hobbies were knitting, walking, swimming.
Maybe start calling his work a paid hobby?

Your dh is being very unreasonable, insensitive and short sighted. From what I understand :
You are medically unable to work in your previous role due to accident/ disability.
You receive a salary paid through insurance (what overall loss of income has there been?).
You were recommended to undertake a voluntary type role by rehab staff to support mental health- which you have done.
You feel like you have purpose outside of the home and you enjoy what you do.
You now do the bulk of household/ parenting duties, something that you didn't 'choose' to do , but came about due to above.
Your dh works full time and thinks that your volunteering (hobby?) should not be a priority for you, therefore he is not willing to support you in this.

Sounds to me like your dh is being very selfish and does not understand/ appreciate/empathise with you re: the massive upheaval you have had in your life. You are trying to navigate a different future for yourself. IMO your dh should be supportive of this and if he wasn't I would question his love/ respect for you. Surely he wants you to be happy?

FWIW I work full time, and am a school governor and involved in PTA. Some of these commitments take part in the evening. My dh will swap his shift (with good notice of course) to look after our dc. He knows this is important to me, he knows I have lots to contribute and overall he wants a happy wife living a fulfilled life. Good luck!

there are 2 types of permanent insurance

1. same job insurance the most expensive and you can only get it for certain jobs ie doctor dentist airline pilot this pays out if you can't do the particular job, ( industry specific for specific skills) this would often cost over £100 a month you can work in another job but it is deducted from payments so if you were say a dentist and injured a hand so you could never do dentistry again( a dental degree is not really a transferable skill) your PHI may pay out £20k a year after tax, if you could do a wee job that paid £6k they would then pay you £14k so you might be mentally better off but not financially. I think OP is in this category

2 PHi for any job this is much cheaper and more common only pay out if you can't work at anything this is the most common type so even if you were earning 40k but now can only manage part time minimum wage they don't pay

Should voluntary work be as easily dropped as a planned round of golf? What would those relying on voluntary services think of that?

This. Just because something isn't a jib doesn't mean it's a hobby. Voluntary doesn't mean no responsibility.
Samaritans provide a 24/7 service. If every one just decided they cba on January 6th and didn't go in, the service would grind to a half as none of the telephone rolls are paid, and thousands of calls would go unanswered and many suicidal people left unsupported. So just because you aren't paid doesn't mean you just sack it off randomly if you can't be bothered.

The op works from home. So not a Samataritan who has to go in

Marsh I was using Samaritans as an example not saying she was one. My point is that voluntary work requires commitment, people doing their part and being reliable not just not bothering cos they don't want to. So if OP needs to get something done one evening or occasionally has a late shift of whatever she does, she can't just not go in the same way she wouldn't go to Knit and Natter if she didn't fancy it

Yes the one factor that would changes things slightly was whether it has to be done at a set time, ie a shift or not

The OP's DH thinks it is "impacting on the things he sees as my role", which is entirely different

If this is the issue and the DH thinks that the OP should do all child and household related tasks then HIBU.

Even if he works full time and the OP technically doesn't work (but she still has an income and yes the volunteering is, well, voluntary) then that shouldn't get him out of all child and house related tasks.

Why wouldn't he want to do things with/for his own children? Why would he expect to never have to cook, clean, do laundry or whatever it is that he is objecting to doing?

But I suppose that, if the OP is spending way more than 10-20 hours per week on her voluntary role and leaves all the child and household stuff to her DH in addition to his work, then she may be the one that is being at least partly unreasonable, but obviously that hasn't been clarified.

Or is there an issue that the OP is not physically capable of certain household tasks, having being left disabled by an accident. If that was the case, then the DH would have to step up anyway, or they'd have to buy in help.

But I suppose that, if the OP is spending way more than 10-20 hours per week on her voluntary role and leaves all the child and household stuff to her DH in addition to his work, then she may be the one that is being at least partly unreasonable, but obviously that hasn't been clarified.

That’s the main problem really-nothing has been clarified!

I can’t believe someone uttered the words maybe he’d like to give up his job as if the op just woke up one morning and decided she wanted to be a stay at home parent. She had an accident a life changing disability means she can’t go back to the job she did before. My dh would love to give up work but I’m bloody sure they he’d rather be out working than suffer a life changing accident.

I volunteer at a couple of things one involves one night a eeek our the house and sometimes it is hard work and I have a bad night thankfully my dh sees the value of what I do both to myself and the people I do it for and will make me a cup of tea and tell me to relax despite having come in from work, cleaned up the dinner dishes and looked after the dc which incidentally aren’t even his he is their stepfather. He will also pick up the slack if my volunteering means I have stuff to do in the evening.

I am a student with a lot of my time spent studying at home and he actually told me to stop trying to keep on top of the house and study and so the shopping, cooking etc. And to treat it like I was at work during the day and that these things were both our responsibility in the evenings as it was when we both worked.

I am genuinely stunned at the comparisons to things like a game of golf and the resentment towards partners that volunteer because it isn’t bringing in money so it’s of less value. You see posts all the time about how the husband should pull his weight when he comes in that when both parents are at home it should all be 50/50... unless the op is disabled and does a few hours a day volunteer work to keep herself sane

It sounds like your husband just wants you at his beck and call when he is at home.
I work less hours than my husband but I still expect him to look after DD while I go out and do other stuff sometimes or to do the hoovering or similar.
I don't expect him to do exactly the same as me around the house but I'm certainly not fitting everything I want to do around when he is not at home so he never has to lift a finger.

By the sound if it your volunteering is happening in the evenings so your husband is coming in from work then having too look after the children for a few hours every evening. So he is working bringing in a income and then looking after children.

So when does he get his free time to pursue volunteering or a hobby? My take is the OP does this every evening so her husband cannot go out and do stuff he wants because the OP is busy volunteering so in effect her volunteering is stopping her husband from having free time (or massively reducing it as it sounds like the OP wants equal free time on top of this evening volunteering)

Does the disability impact on your ability to run the house or look after the children, at all?

I'm suspecting it must do otherwise you would not be enlisting his support when he gets in

For those claiming the OP has not provided enough information, she posted this: "I still do my SAHM stuff, and of course I’m still bringing in a proportion of my previous salary too. I suppose the disconnect is where I need a break after a particularly tricky day and then he says “it’s your choice, you did this in your free time.”" She also specified that the help she asks for is for her dh to keep the children from disturbing her when she is working - which is seldom, as she specified that the majority of the work is done when the children are at school or in bed. Also, for him to do the same thing occasionally to ler her have some downtime after a busy day. In other words, it seems he is not being asked to cook, clean, hoover or do anything more onerous than help to keep his children entertained. Apparently, though, she is not permitted to do anything remotely fatiguing, because her dh doesn't like entertaining his kids and thinks that is her role 100% of the time.

I would be interested to hear the DH’s side of this. Not in a bitchy way, but I get the impression it’s something that could actually be sorted and resolved with finding out exactly what the issues are and unpicking them to find a solution.

I got to page 7 before replying so apologies if this has been brought up.

I think my issue with the OP is that she is recieving money from an insurer as she is no longer able to work in her previous employment, an amount less than she used to earn. However as she is completing other work, through her volunteering, she can work albeit in a different role. In essence (and from the vague posts), it seems as if she isn't returning to paid employment because it isn't what she used to do and she doesn't want to do anything else. She wants her cake and eats it to.

In other words, it seems he is not being asked to cook, clean, hoover or do anything more onerous than help to keep his children entertained. Apparently, though, she is not permitted to do anything remotely fatiguing, because her dh doesn't like entertaining his kids and thinks that is her role 100% of the time.

I don’t think the OP has actually said any of this.

Well, who wouldn't if taking a job meant earning even less money and being less fulfilled? And dh would still have to step up