To think my husband is being unfair about my charity work

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We used the services of a charity a couple of years ago and I now volunteer for them. It’s a specialised and skilled role which I find interesting and challenging. And of course it helps other people.

However, my husband believes it is no different to a hobby and then takes exception to it impacting on the things he sees as my role. He works full time, I am a SAHM and am unable to do paid work due to a disability. This voluntary work helps keep me sane and makes me feel useful once more. I have no other hobbies.

AIBU to think that he’s BU by treating it as the same as any other hobby when actually it’s so importnant to me AND benefits other people’s lives? Most of my work is done during the day when the children are at school or in the evening when they’re in bed. He sees this as using my “free time” which means I actually don’t get much down time at all. AIBU or is he?

I think it depends how often your voluntary role is affecting him.

My DH works full time and I work part time (three days a week). I also have a fairly chunky voluntary role that benefits our community (and I find it interesting too).

I do much more of the childcare and housework than DH because I have more free time than him.

My voluntary work sometimes (say once every two months) involves an evening meeting, and I ask him to make sure he's home in time for me to go. Both of us consider that to be completely reasonable. However, apart from that, it doesn't affect him much as I do it on my days off when the kids are at school. I think he'd be a bit if it was having a big impact on his free time when he works a lot more hours than me.

Making a relation work vs hobby/time off is implying work=worthy, hobby=play and unworthy

The reality is much more complex than that, especially when it comes to peole with disabilities/ill health.
The reality is that very often work is giving people a sense of purpose and a sense they are adding value to the world around them. It’s also a source of social contact. All of which are essential to MH.
So work is much more than just bringing money.
In the case of the OP, her voluntary work is helping her meet some aspects of her life than work was giving her (incl the sense of purpose). I think this is very important.

The issue here is that her DH sees her as a SAHM whose job is to keep the house clean etc... And volunteering as an unworthy job (because it’s not paid) so not worth more than doing cross stich.

Basically he has reverted to the 1950s.
He has a very narrow understanding of what is ‘important and worthy’.
And no understanding of what make a life interesting and worth living.

In any event, OP's husband only needs to step up for 2-3 hours a week.

I thought it was 2-3 hours every day, during the evenings? Maybe the OP could clarify a few details otherwise this is going to keep going around in circles.

The fact that it’s voluntary work is neither here nor there

If it was two hours paid work it could still be done during the day to take strain off the family

Btw I think the OP is in a very different place than someone who is a SAHM by choice or is working part time.

The OP’s voluntary activity is her only possible activity that gives her the opportunity to be something else than ‘mum’ or ‘disabled person unable to work’. Seeing that work is very often seeing as the only worthy thing to do and precede everything else (as shown by numerous posts in this thread too), that means she has most a hell of a lot, incl a way to get a sense of self worth.
Her voluntary job is giving her that sense of self worth. That, in itself, is worth a lot and means that particular activity should be respected by her DH in the same way he had respected her job.

He sees this as using my “free time” which means I actually don’t get much down time at all. AIBU or is he?

Is he saying you should be doing more around the house or are you complaining that you’re tired because of this volunteering/hobby and do you need him to give you a break?

My DH (SAHP) also volunteered for a charity and at certain times of the year it was all consuming. I resented working all week and then doing housework at the weekend because he was involved in the charity.

Once when I came home from work he said to me "don't even talk to me, I've had a helluva day. The dog needs walking and can you sort dinner?" This from someone not employed and looking after an easy going school aged child.

We all suffered, although the cause was good of course.

He's stepped back now and our lives are infinitely better. He got a lot out of it but it became too much.

The OP is being deliberately vague IMO. I think her husband probably is right to feel a bit put out.

OP, YANBU. I think people forget how soul destroying (not to mention physically), having a long term disability can be. Yes, you could sit at home each day watching telly and being at your dh beck and call every evening, but that wouldn’t be any good for you at all.

What about the mental and physical benefits the op gains from being active, getting out of the house each day, interacting with other people and using her brain as part of volunteering. She’s already mentioned she’s bringing in money via an insurance policy so she’s paying her way. Surely if her dh had a hobby she’d accommodate that, the same as her dh should accommodate her hobby/volunteering.

Any hobby, regardless of it being running, cycling or volunteering is healthy in any relationship. And as part of being in a relationship is to support each other in life’s choices, not just sitting around waiting for the other to get home so you can serve them?

A stay at home mum wouldn’t be expected to work 24/7, in my book, any duties should be split 50/50 once both partners are at home. A few hours a week from her dh shouldn’t be a chore for him if she’s doing pretty much everything anyway.

As with all things there is a balance and a compromise required. Your husband maybe telling you that he thinks the balance isn't right and you need to bottom that out. If my DP was spending 2-3 hours a night on voluntary work instead of with me and the family I would be concerned.

But running/cycling etc could be done during the day when the children were at school.

Are you getting time in the evenings together?

Surely if her dh had a hobby she’d accommodate that, the same as her dh should accommodate her hobby/volunteering.

The difference is that the OP has school hours to do any hobby or volunteering and the DH doesn’t. OP still hasn’t explained why the volunteer work can’t be done in the day and ends up impacting the evenings.

If the op went to the gym two hours a day but chose to go in the evening instead when the dc were at school all day it’d be the same

Even then the dh is saying do it but that’s the rest not work then more rest

Not a direct response to the OP, but I'm sure my friends who volunteer as lifebaot crew would be thrilled to know that many posters on here equate what they do with playing a round of golf.

And with most of the lifeboat crew, there will be a woman (and it's usually a woman) who can hold the fort at a moment's notice. And if she gets hacked off with that, I would expect her to be telling her hero lifeboatman that actually, she's not prepared to do that.

Wanting to do good (and feeling valued is incredibly important) does not trump all family life responsibilities, whether you are a SAHP or WOHP.

I agree Jaffa - volunteering is very useful socially but both partners need to have agreed they are willing for it to make increments into their free time. Especially the one who has less free time spare.

Wanting to do good (and feeling valued is incredibly important) does not trump all family life responsibilities, whether you are a SAHP or WOHP.. Exactly this- and like pp unless it's clear as to whether it's can't/won't undertake the volunteering role in the school hours can a true IHBU answer be given?

I think people and your DH are being really patronising and sexist. There is a long tradition of SAHMs doing charity work. In the past, huge quantities of fundraising and other voluntary work was done in this way. And it has ALWAYS been devalued by men. What you are doing is worthwhile and necessary - for you and the people you do it for. I think it is outrageous that he should belittle this work. And another thing, I loathe how patronising the word “hobbies” is. There are many people doing all sorts of things - music, arts, sports, gardening, outdoor pursuits - at high levels of skill and accomplishment. They also bring joy to others with concerts and sporting events and amdram productions. So YANBU.

I think volunteering is somewhat distinct from other hobbies because of the wider benefits, however, how many people volunteer to do things they don't especially like? I'd wager virtually none. It's a choice that people make with their free time and not comparable to paid work - which somebody needs to be doing to keep roofs over heads.

The OP question was if her voluntary work counts as part of her leisure time. I think the line between leisure time and the rest is defined by whether it benefits the individual or the family, and if there's no prospect of financial benefit, then this doesn't benefit the family. It's something she chooses to do that only really directly benefits her. For the purposes of counting contributions to family life, this resembles a hobby far more than it does a job.

I've been giving this a lot of thought since my last post as the OP's feelings resonate with mine.

We are in slightly different situations as the OP's insurance brings in an income similar to if she had a FT job and has had SAH status forced upon her whereas I chose to be a SAHM and, consequently have no income.

I always planned to go back to work once the DC were older, however, the timescales got heavily altered due to illness and I know find that I'm unable to return to my career. I've tried minimum wage type jobs, such as retail but find that being treated like shit in terms of being expected to be available 24/7 but on low hour contracts with shifts being cancelled or changed at the last minute too frustrating.

I think that, for me, and I suspect the OP, being valued is the issue. By volunteering, not only is the grey matter active but doing something worthwhile makes you valued and feeling that you are contributing to society. It is also contact with other people.

The OP's DH describes her as neglecting her "duties" which I find deeming and she doesn't feel valued, she feels taken for granted and maybe even a 2nd class citizen within the household.. It doesn't take into account that the OP is also contributing to the household income. Technically, I would argue that, because the OP has become disabled but still has an income she could be entitled sit on her backside between 9am-5pm doing nothing while her money still rolls in. She would not be doing her "duties" if she was out at work. Her DH is not the only breadwinner. Obviously, this would be crazy and,of course the OP is going to take on more "duties" during the day meaning that the DH has his share of the duties reduced in the evening. Rather than seeing this as a bonus, the DH is seeing this as an entitlement and even thinks she should be doing more to give him even less of these duties.

The DH is no longer seeing the OP as whole person who, despite having disabilities has other needs that need to be fullfilled - maybe even more so now her life has changed irrevocably. His attiude says "I don't give a shit about your MH, feelings or ambitions". Her volunteering is NOT a hobby, it's vital to her wellbeing and her DH should be facilitating and encouraging it.

Stand your ground OP and tell your DH not to be such a condescending arse.

volunteering is very useful socially but both partners need to have agreed they are willing for it to make increments into their free time. Especially the one who has less free time spare

I agree with this. I volunteer - one evening a week out of the home, a couple of hours during the week at home, and the occasional full weekend away. It DOES require the support of my DH, who fortunately understands the commitment I’ve made, as he also has done volunteering in the past.

However, if either he or I were doing a volunteering role that took two or three hours every evening, I think either of us would struggle to find this to be ok.

The value of the work to society is irrelevant to answering the question in the OP: does it count as leisure time or as a job? It's only the value to the family of the work being done that counts, for that particular question.

Your husband is being a dick.

You've obviously suffered an awful event, for entirely justifiable reasons relating to insurance you can't take on paid employment and so you are doing this as a means of rehabilitation.

Your time and input is just as valuable as his.

Having your accident didn't mean that you then became his personal house slave.

And I have to say how shocked I am by so many of the responses.

The test appear to be what "the value of the work is to the family" - but it seems this means the value to the husband and the children.

WHAT ABOUT THE VALUE TO THE WOMAN