To think my husband is being unfair about my charity work

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We used the services of a charity a couple of years ago and I now volunteer for them. It’s a specialised and skilled role which I find interesting and challenging. And of course it helps other people.

However, my husband believes it is no different to a hobby and then takes exception to it impacting on the things he sees as my role. He works full time, I am a SAHM and am unable to do paid work due to a disability. This voluntary work helps keep me sane and makes me feel useful once more. I have no other hobbies.

AIBU to think that he’s BU by treating it as the same as any other hobby when actually it’s so importnant to me AND benefits other people’s lives? Most of my work is done during the day when the children are at school or in the evening when they’re in bed. He sees this as using my “free time” which means I actually don’t get much down time at all. AIBU or is he?

How many days a week do you do this? How many hours? I can see both sides- I understand you're being paid a disability from previous employment, but ultimately this isn't a job, it's a hobby/interest. If it was paid employment, then I'd be more on your side, but being too ill to work, whilst working in a challenging role seems a bit of a contradiction to me I'm afraid. If the previous duties you've both agreed on are suffering, then I'd be miffed too that an unpaid role was affecting the family

You do the housework and childcare/school runs etc.

You do voluntary work 2-3 hours a day.

Your insurance company encourages the voluntary work as their medical assessment concluded it would be helpful for your health.

Your insurance provides you with a salary albeit less than your job did.

Your ‘D’H feels that during the times he’s expected to entertain his own children to enable you to do your voluntary work, something that doesn’t happen on a daily basis. You’re unreasonable as you’re shirking your ‘duties’.

Your ‘D’H has plenty of leisure time of his own.

Your husbands a dick.

HTH

But the op has far more free time than the dh during the day when the dc are at school

So much information missing.

Does no one understand own occupation income protection on here?
I am a dentist. have an insurance policy that would pay if I could no longer work as a dentist. So eyesight, hands, mobility, brain, mental health- I need to be fit and well to work. If I couldn’t do my job it would pay out. It might be that I could do another job that was less demanding- that doesn’t matter for the purposes of the policy- I am insured for my OWN OCCUPATION.
OP I don’t think YABU.

OP, I think YANBU at all. I'd also privately be somewhat worried about how supportive your DH will be if your condition gets any worse, I'm sorry to say. My own DH doesn't react very well/supportively if I'm ill or struggling (for various reasons) and I've learnt that I'm pretty much on my own at such times, which hurts.

to OP.

Notacluethisxmas the op brings in an income.
And yes people are missing the point about her insurance. I think they are thinking of disability benefit when they ask why if she can do any work it is still paying out.

Oh and I also think the fact the family benefitted from this charity previously is highly relevant. It's nothing like golf or knitting.

I volunteered to a very high level. It was still a hobby.

I had to give it up because it became incompatible with family life

Do you think maybe your husband might miss quality time with you?
You say you only do 2 or 3 hours a day, but then say you work both when the kids are at school, and in the evenings when they are at home and DH has to entertain them so they leave you alone.
Where is the family time here?
Sounds like kids and husband are school/working all day, and then you are volunteering at night.
To me family time is as much meals and bed times as actual quality time together. Honestly doesn't sound like you all get much time regularly to relax together.
Financially we are not in a great place, and I am a SAHM because I wanted to be, which does make a difference, but I don't think it's unfair for him to want you away from the charity and to spend more time with the family.
Everyone keeps saying a partnership means he should support you no in this. But it kind of goes both ways. He said this charity isn't working for him and the family and to cut back a bit, not stop completely, in a partnership you would also listen and discuss his concerns and come up with a compromise.

It's also another thread where I think it probably would have went differently if OP was a man tbh. People will now jump in to say I'm wrong, but your kids are school age and I do think some time management where you get your charity work done while the house is empty would be good. Doesn't mean DH doesn't help with the kids, it means you get more quality time as a family and team.

The hardest time for us was when I was freelancing with pre-school children and minimal cc as too ad hoc to book in regularly

It was hard to do that thing where one works ft then has to swap while the other works in the evening

If you have the free day time to do it it takes strain off the family

Notacluethisxmas the op brings in an income. And yes people are missing the point about her insurance

And what? That income would be there regardless of the charity. It's still a hobby. A worthwhile one but a hobby All the same.

I agree that the op is being g very vague. She has posted before and was vague then.

The simple fact is that this project eats into a lot if family time. The op could do it when the kids are at work. And yes quite frankly choosing to do something worthwhile, that means you can't split evening childcare because it's been so difficult is being a bit ridiculous. Also OP chooses to spend her free time doing this.

My friends husband coaches rugby. It's very worthwhile for the local community and a life line for a lot of the kids. However if she posted here about when it's become a thing that eats into their family time, that he needs a break from the kids after because he has been dealing with a difficult situation or needed to do extra in the evenings when he could have done it during the day, then saying he wants more free time when he has chosen to do this in the time he had free, people would be saying he needs to scale it back.

It's hard to tell who is being unreasonable here. Of course voluntary work is valuable, both to OP and to the organisation and people she helps. However it is something she chooses to do - she could decide to stop next week or to cut the number of hours she volunteers down by a half. This is all entirely within her control, just like it would be for a hobby.

I have a friend who used to volunteer for he Samaritans. She stopped volunteering because she was so affected by the people she was talking to that it affected other areas of her life negatively. If something like this was happening to OP, it's perfectly legitimate for OP's husband to point out that she is choosing to do it, and if she doens't like the stress she should give it up.

Another example. I exercise regularly and find my mood is negatively impacted if I don't. So it is beneficial to my mental health. However, for example, we had a situation just before Christmas where DS needed a lot of my support, and this meant I didn't get so much time to exercise. If I'd insisted on exercising taking first place, again I think DH could legitimately have pointed out that it might be beneficial, but it's still a hobby and family needs to come first.

I wold be interested to know what exactly the DH is upset about? What changes would he like to see happen?

Are you having 8.30-3.30 at home alone in the house when the children are at school and then DH walks in from work at 6 and that’s when you start 2-3 hours of volunteering and he does all the bath/bedtime/reading etc?

I'll try to be objective from his point of view - you are off work due to disability, insurance is paying out so money isn't an issue however you are too injured to get another job but you can volunteer? I've had similar conversations (different circumstances) my dh doesn't understand working for free, end of.

What are your long term plans? The insurance company will be less understanding as time goes on I suspect, could you retrain? I'm guessing he sees you are wasting your time, I'm not myself but I know that's how my dh feels even about my job (working in the not for profit sector!)

As a short term sanity keeping measure volunteering is great but longer term you need to consider a plan for your future, in guessing your dh is concerned about this too,

I'm with your husband too. Paid work benefits the whole family and volunteering doesn't as it's just for your own personal satisfaction. On top of not working all day whilst the children are in school , you expect him to then cover you whilst you do this hobby after he has been at work all day.

You are clearly capable of some form of working as do so from home for the charity unpaid. You choose not to and maybe that's what he takes exception too.

Yes to Holiday’s post - if that’s what’s happening

It doesn’t matter what work you’re doing I’d not be happy if the sahp was taking it easy all day rather than doing the 2 hours when the dc were at school

You have not chosen to be a SAHP, therefore I think your DH is being unreasonable in the circumstances.

If you had chosen to be a SAHP, you'd be taking the absolute fucking piss. Then you'd be like those entitled wimmin/SAHMs of a certain type that we sometimes see on here trying to justify their existence, expecting their DHs to keep them whilst at the same being too important to do housework, cleaning and/or childcare.

But, this isn't you and given your situation, your DH should be more understanding. How would he feel if the boot was on the other foot? If he'd lost his career through disability?

You are not a sahm. You are not reliant on his good will, you have money that comes in because you through no choice of your own, are unable to work as you did previously.

So you do charity work. IMO this should absolutely be treated with the same respect that paid work is, especially in your circumstances. You have not 'opted out' of work in order to look after the home/kids and facilitate his career. You are unable to work in your previous role, that's all.

I'd also question his ethics, given that he was apparently happy to receive help from this charity but not happy for you to give back to it.

Posters suggesting that OP's voluntary work is "just" a hobby have no idea how much important work is done by volunteers. If all the volunteers in the country suddenly downed tools tomorrow, the country would fall apart in a few weeks.

In any event, OP's husband only needs to step up for 2-3 hours a week.If he was refusing to do childcare for a couple of hours a week so his SAHM, disabled partner could go to the gym, people on here would be outraged.

YANBU, OP, he's being a dick.

My exh quoted 'spends too much time on voluntary work' in his divorce petition against me.

Yes ok I did 3 volunteer roles. One was for a couple of hours a term in an evening. The second meant a couple of hours in an evening every 2 months (in addition to attending the organisation weekly as a service user anyway). The third was co-running a playgroup that our kids went to 3 days a week - i was there anyway, it just meant holding keys, paying some cash in the bank occasionally and committee meetings every couple of months.

For me it was a chance to give back to organisations that had hauled me out of PND and supported me through a tricky EA marriage and the additional impact on our family was me being out of the house a couple of hours in an evening every 3 weeks.

For him it was about control - he wanted me at home, being little wifey, beholden to him for money and support (see EA reference above).

For me if you are regularly needing him to sort kids out so you can do the voluntary stuff (working evenings? Every day?) Or if it impacts on your family time without benefitting anyone else in your household then perhaps it might be sensible to reorganised things so you can do your voluntary stuff during the day while the kids are at school. The money aspect is a red herring

*He has an active social life and you do not spend time on other hobbies. You are bringing in an income through insurance.
You have sustained a life changing illness or accident rendering your previous employment impossible. You volunteer which gives you purpose and enables you to contribute to wider society while doing the majority of the work running the household (2=3 hours a day on average volunteering, during the day when the children are at school and sometimes in the evening). Presumably you look after the children when he goes out socially.

He should be supportive and proud of you, not seek to undermine you.*

This^

You sound amazing, OP.

OP, I think this all depends in what DH was like before - when you were working “equally” to him.

Did he begrudge that? Did you ever feel then that he’d rather you were more focused on house “duties?” Did he ever try and persuade you to go part-time? Was there a general insinuation of “woe is me?”

Or did he just get on with it with no extra expectations of you, just because you’re a woman?

Only you know him.