To think my husband is being unfair about my charity work

[Springfresh]

We used the services of a charity a couple of years ago and I now volunteer for them. It’s a specialised and skilled role which I find interesting and challenging. And of course it helps other people.

However, my husband believes it is no different to a hobby and then takes exception to it impacting on the things he sees as my role. He works full time, I am a SAHM and am unable to do paid work due to a disability. This voluntary work helps keep me sane and makes me feel useful once more. I have no other hobbies.

AIBU to think that he’s BU by treating it as the same as any other hobby when actually it’s so importnant to me AND benefits other people’s lives? Most of my work is done during the day when the children are at school or in the evening when they’re in bed. He sees this as using my “free time” which means I actually don’t get much down time at all. AIBU or is he?

That seems like a good compromise, Springfresh. Once you're used to the cleaner, you might even find yourself able to tolerate a weekly visitation ! I hope it works out and everyone is happier as a result.

It sounds like your husband doesn't understand what you're doing is helping people and it gives you satisfaction and a reason for feeling good about yourself.

If you're still getting income I can't see what his problem is - unless he just wants you to do all the chores all the time. Even if you weren't volunteering that would do your head in.

Christ almighty, we're comparing the OP to Martin Luther King now are we? I've heard it all!

I haven’t read the full thread but isn’t this a question of degree?

If your husband thinks that you should spend your free time on ‘additional’ domestic duties such as baking biscuits (beyond keeping the house tidy etc) rather than volunteering then I would say it’s really not up to him.

If you are asking him to support you so you can volunteer eg by looking after the children, doing extra housekeeping etc. It becomes more difficult. Of course he should support you in pursuing interests and volunteering as do should any husband / wife. Up to a point.

For example my DH cooks every evening after work so I can finish my work. I would not expect him to do that to the same extent if I were volunteering. Similarly I adjust my day to support him working (to my inconvenience) and I simply wouldn’t to the same extent if it were for his voluntary work (unless I happened to value his voluntary work to the same extent).

Hard for strangers therefore to know whether he is being unreasonable. But no - I wouldn’t automatically accommodate voluntary work by my husband to the same extent as paid work. I would to some degree (probably more than golf).

famousfour - you are comparing someone doing paid work and voluntary work with someone who can no longer do paid work but is now paid for not doing it. If she could still do the work for which she is paid, I would not be surprised if she expected him to be doing far more than he is actually doing at the moment, not less. Why she should lose the huge psychological benefit of doing her old job and not be allowed to replace that with anything that remotely inconveniences her husband? She has given up paid work through necessity, not choice - not at all the same thing as someone doing paid work and voluntary work who is thus benefiting twice over from the psychological benefit of feeling useful in the world.

DeltaG

I was making a point about the meaning of the word "hobby" and the misperception that so many people on this thread seem to have that it equates with doing something you are not paid to do.

In her original post the OP said. "We used the services of a charity a couple of years ago and I now volunteer for them. It’s a specialised and skilled role which I find interesting and challenging. And of course it helps other people."

Now a lot of people when I worked at a hospice became volunteers because of personal experiences they had observed, been a part of. This happens within a lot of charities if you think about it.

It has been proven that volunteering is good for you, whether it be with a charity, caring for grandchildren. It is good for you physically and mentally. If you are happier, healthier, then those around benefit from this. There are many reasons why people volunteer, the end results are in the main positive.

I struggle to see how you can be well enough to do a sometimes "gruelling" charity job for nowt, but not do a paid job.

If you are not up to doing the paid job, then maybe the gruelling charity job won't be helping you in the long run.

I'm not sure, but maybe even working for nowt might invalidate your insurance claim, if it came out.

I'm with hubby on this one. sorry. YABU

The op is insured for the job she did at the level she did it. She gave the example of a pilot who lost one eye.

I may be completely wrong, but could your husband be seeing it as, youre too busy with your volunteer paperwork during the day, too busy with the volunteering task in the evening, and then too tired later from the volunteering to do house stuff, but you don't want a cleaner- so how else will it get done other than on his return from work?

This probably. I hope it's solved now OP.

Gth1234 all of your questions have been addressed by the OP in her posts.

what I REALLY would benefit from, is a housekeeper. Full time. Works nights.
And just imagine how much it would cost to employ someone in that role!

With three children, 4x hours every other week is going to not make a dent. Sorry.

I have 6x hours a week and it.... doesn't make a dent.

I am amazed that the OP who is disabled with three SN school age kids and who is also volunteering, is getting bashed.
She brings in dosh, does as much housework as she thinks is necessary, works just 2-3 hours a day with occasional evening. Sometimes she expects DH do fo 1 hour in the evening which he complains about! DH does barely anything in the house and OP is expected to pay for a clearer herself because she's the little woman.
Disgraceful mysogeny by DH and others on the thread.

The dh certainly sounds a massive wimp to think he is hard done by when the only thing he does to contribute to the housework is to put out the bins once a week and put a wash on once a week. If he resents his dw's voluntary work and wants to comment unfavourably on her housework standards after that contribution, he's most definitely got a screw loose.

Yabu, however only somewhat... you say you cant do paid work due to a disability but from reading your posts this is incorrect, your choosing not to work due to your insurance policy, big difference from saying you cant get other paid employment due to disability. I also say this because you do actually work 2/3 hours everyday, so realistically you can get paid employment.

but thats my only point of you being UR, nothing to do with your DH expectations.

I'd love to see the OP's dh's face if she told him she was getting paid work which would be even less flexible than her voluntary work, was considerably less interesting and psychologically rewarding to her, would be a less effective use of her actual skills, would be zero financial benefit to the family and would necessitate he did more to help round the house and with the children. He'd probably go down on his knees and beg her to keep volunteering, instead . If 2-3 hours of voluntary work a day is tiring the OP out, I wonder what paid work people have in mind for her that would have all the same benefits?

I also wonder whether her doing paid work would be any more beneficial to wider society than the work she is already doing?

I wonder if the H wasn't a tiny bit pleased when OP became unable to work. Now she could concentrate on the real purpose of anyone without a penis: Servicing Her Man. And that perhaps his persistent pissing and moaning is because he's not at all keen on the idea of her retaining her self-respect; he wants a grateful, obedient servant to flatter the Important Man who Earns the Money.

As to differing housework standards, overall, the one who likes the cleaner, tidier house either does the extra work or pays for it to be done. The fussy one doesn't get to order the other partner to do it.

She gave the example of a pilot who lost one eye.

FFS, stop throwing this one out there. Google Carlos Dardano.

This is one of those threads where I'd love to read about it from the perspective of the DH. We only get the OP's rather biased version.

Maybe it was a bad example. You're missing the pin t that the insurance was for her to do a specific job at a specific level. It's not like benefits where any job will do.

Any specific job insurance that doesn't make allowances for lower paying alternative work to be combined with a partial continuing payout is a fundamentally flawed product in my view. Ideally the taper rate would be much lower than 100% as well to encourage those who are able to take alternative work to do so.

MidniteScribbler - since it is patently obvious the OP is not a one-eyed airline pilot, wtf has Carlos Dardano got to do with anything? Pilots do at least have loss of licence insurance, which may be temporary if they can get better and regain their licence, or may cover a permanent loss of their licence. If the OP isn't a pilot and therefore doesn't know what effect monocular vision may or may not have on a pilot's ability to fly a plane and for how long, I think she can be forgiven for that! The OP is regularly tested to see if she's fit to return to her former career, so is clearly not malingering on that front.

Well, if a pilot's loss of licence becomes permanent rather than temporary, they normally get a lump sum payout and cease to be an employee of the airline. As the OP is still an employee, it may be her employer still expects her one day to be well enough to work - or her particular disability may mean that 2 or 3 hours' work a day will always be her limit, in which case I seriously doubt it is in the family's financial interests to insist that paid work is always superior to unpaid work, as she's not likely to find particularly well paid, flexible work for that.