To think my husband is being unfair about my charity work

[Springfresh]

We used the services of a charity a couple of years ago and I now volunteer for them. It’s a specialised and skilled role which I find interesting and challenging. And of course it helps other people.

However, my husband believes it is no different to a hobby and then takes exception to it impacting on the things he sees as my role. He works full time, I am a SAHM and am unable to do paid work due to a disability. This voluntary work helps keep me sane and makes me feel useful once more. I have no other hobbies.

AIBU to think that he’s BU by treating it as the same as any other hobby when actually it’s so importnant to me AND benefits other people’s lives? Most of my work is done during the day when the children are at school or in the evening when they’re in bed. He sees this as using my “free time” which means I actually don’t get much down time at all. AIBU or is he?

Wigwam - Unless I've missed, I don't see where OP has said she's doing this with a view to future employment.

It's a noble use of her free time, and as a citizen I'd commend her. But as a partner, I'd very adamant that it was indeed a use of her free time.

What job do you know of that would be happy with that.

The voluntary sector is widely varied. Some charities employ people in vital roles that are unpaid simply because they don’t have the resources to pay them. Particularly since austerity cutbacks.

Good post bubonicplague

But as a partner, I'd very adamant that it was indeed a use of her free time.

Why? And what on earth makes you think you would have the right to be so 'adamant'?

The voluntary sector would cope no better than commercial businesses if all volunteers took the attitude that they could come and go exactly as they pleased.

Same if it was two hours flexible paid work

Makes sense to do it in the school day

People are entitled to be selfish so yes it's perfectly fine for someone to ignore any benefits to society of volunteering and to consider volunteering as a hobby. It's also dangerous to believe that all volunteering is beneficial to society in any case. Somehow I can't see a woman whose husband was volunteering significant time to a political party she didn't support getting similar responses.
The cleaning needs to be done so if neither partner currently has the time to do so and one of them refuses a cleaner it makes much more sense on a practical level for the OP to reduce her volunteering than for her husband to reduce his paid work especially as it is the OP who objects to having a cleaner.
The OP is also probably strongly underestimating the work required in keeping children away from a partner working at home unless she has had to do the same in the past.

She is doing the voluntary work in the school day, MarshaBradyo - except on the occasions when the volunteers take it in turns to be available in the evenings, because the people needing their help are free after the end of their own working day... she can't make that bit during school hours. Whenever she does it, though, her dh doesn't like the standard of her housework, so the time of day is pretty irrelevant in that respect. Yes, she should get the cleaner back. If he's still unhappy about helping with the children once in a while after that, I think he's being utterly selfish and focusing on ensuring nothing affects his life while he consciously limits still further his wife's diminished lifestyle.

It’s not a job.

How many hours a week are you spending on it?

Does your disability affect your ability to do domestic work?

It's work. I don't get paid to clean the house - I would be seriously fucked off if I was told it should therefore be done in my "free time."
@DeltaG thinks this is doing nothing.
😁

"He takes the bins out & puts a wash on a Sunday night".

Give the man a fucking medal!!!!!!

I work pretty much f/t & do way more than this.

It's a nasty, misogynistic attitude he has!!!!

Job
noun
1 1. 
a paid position of regular employment."the scheme could create 200 jobs"
2 synonyms:
3 position of employment, position, post, situation, place, appointment, posting, placement, day job; More
4 





5	2. 
a task or piece of work, especially one that is paid."she wants to be left alone to get on with the job"

Job = paid

Not paid = not a job

Daily Mail will be on this soon....................

Yanbu.

There are many reasons to volunteer. Rightly or wrongly my identity is bound up with my job, and if I could no longer work i would have to volunteer in some form as my life 'outside the home' is too big a part of who i am to just drop it.

Research shows that volunteering confers all sorts of health benefits as well as social and skills development.

"Hobby - an activity that someone does for pleasure when they are not working." I don't see any reference to a job in that definition. I would refute the idea that voluntary work should be viewed as merely a pleasurable leisuretime activity. One can, of course, get great benefits to self-esteem and one's sense of self-worth doing voluntary work, just as many people do from paid work, along with benefiting the people you are volunteering to help. I'm not seeing why those so fascinated by definitions are seemingly missing the point it's still work, just because it's unpaid.

Now, if the OP were working full time in paid work and doing lots of coluntary work and expecting her dh to do all the housework and childcare,mthat would be ridiculous. But she isn't. She is merely requesting he respect the fact she still feels the need to do work that is beneficial to wider society and if she can no longer do that with paid work, but can on a voluntary basis, that this should not be squeezed out of her life because her dh has higher standards than she does on household clutter (but isn't actually willing to do anything about himself). It is no more her "job" to do all the housework than it is her "job" to do voluntary work. They both need time to do work that makes them feel like useful members of society and both need to do work that makes them feel like they are contributing to family life. They are both bringing money in - her dh could help a bit more with family life to enable his dw to do work that makes her feel like she is more than a disabled SAHM left doing the work nobody else in the family wants to do.

Ok if one of the shifts has to be done in the evening then definitely get the cleaner

I’ve done the freelance working at night thing and it’s an extra strain on both people. The cleaner relieves this for the family.

I agree with all of that @roundaboutthetown

I think many people are ignoring the fact that OP brings in money via her insurance payout so is contributing financially. Surely she is simply replacing the previous paid work with voluntary work (fewer hours) and a payout?

OP I can't imagine how it feels to become disabled and no longer be able find purpose and fulfilment in your work. I think you are right to look elsewhere for that. Your DP is unreasonable to say that your life from now on should be purely housework/childcare.

I can see however see that he feels put out that some of the evening time is taken up as he has limited time away from work. Is it possible for you to only volunteer during the day? If not, I think a cleaner/domestic help would ease the pressure for both of you.

He needs to be more understanding of your new reality.

Update!

I have a cleaner booked, doing 4 hours a fortnight, which I think is preferable to weekly.

I have a cleaner booked, doing 4 hours a fortnight, which I think is preferable to weekly.

Well Done, OP. I hope that works out for you and your family life.

With 3 children you need twice a week to keep on top of cleaning and laundry.

Tatiana, what I REALLY would benefit from, is a housekeeper. Full time. Works nights.

Wouldn’t we all

I'm not seeing why those so fascinated by definitions are seemingly missing the point it's still work, just because it's unpaid.

Exactly. And many on this thread seem to think if it's not a paid job, it is a hobby. Vocation (and it's sense of a calling) may a better term for OP's voluntary work.

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. began his work in the Civil Rights Movement as a volunteer, but I don't think anyone would call it his hobby.