To think my husband is being unfair about my charity work

[Springfresh]

We used the services of a charity a couple of years ago and I now volunteer for them. It’s a specialised and skilled role which I find interesting and challenging. And of course it helps other people.

However, my husband believes it is no different to a hobby and then takes exception to it impacting on the things he sees as my role. He works full time, I am a SAHM and am unable to do paid work due to a disability. This voluntary work helps keep me sane and makes me feel useful once more. I have no other hobbies.

AIBU to think that he’s BU by treating it as the same as any other hobby when actually it’s so importnant to me AND benefits other people’s lives? Most of my work is done during the day when the children are at school or in the evening when they’re in bed. He sees this as using my “free time” which means I actually don’t get much down time at all. AIBU or is he?

I still can't get past the " duties " thing myself.
Bit of topic but this is similar to adding "for you" after everything they do.
"I've emptied the bin/dishwasher, for you"
"I've put my dirty washing in the basket, for you"
"I've bleached the toilet for you" I should bloody well think so, it's your damn skid marks
Etc, etc, etc

I get that most household chores fall to me as I'm the SAHP but it's the Xmas holidays and I'm entitled to a break too. Most of the time these little jobs don't even need to be announced.

The issue is whether the OH can demand that the op invest all her limited energy in performing her "wifely duties" so he doesn't have to do anything except his job

or whether she is allowed to use some of her energy in doing something she finds fulfilling.

They are both entitled to equal amounts of free time.
he seems to resent her volunteering which is part of her social life, whereas he is still continuing his own social life

It sounds like he is fully engaged with the dc when he gets home, is he?

And I think the OP is perfectly happy with the level of clutter in the house - it's her dh who finds it stressful.

Demanding the OP pays for a cleaner clearly shows he regards domestic "duties" as her responsibility,
now she is disabled.

However, she probably doesn't like drudgework any more now than she did when able to have a career
and having less energy makes drudgework even less pleasant

the work and / or the cost of getting someone else to do it should be shared,
so that both have equal free time to do whatever they wish and have a social life, including volunteering

Well it depends on the situation

Dh covers everything but says can you cover cleaner

Who knows - depends on how it works

so that both have equal free time to do whatever they wish and have a social life, including volunteering

That's the crux of the issue, OP doesn't see the volunteering as her free time.

That’s it - it’s a job which I take seriously and professionally but happen not to get paid for.

Ergo it's not a job.

That’s it - it’s a job which I take seriously and professionally but happen not to get paid for.

It’s not a job then.

"My husband, with independent source of income, pursues his interests 2-3 hours a day, expects to work full time, come home, clean and look after the kids so he can have yet more free time, and won't even let me hire a cleaner".

This place would explode.

Why on earth do people think that an unpaid job is not a job?

A job is a job whether you get paid for it or not.

There’s a lot of charity work that is of far more value to society than even high paid work - like being a footballer for example.

According to the Oxford dictionary a job is

A paid position of regular employment.

So no it is not a job, more of a passion for you perhaps. I know I did 20 hours a week for ten years. Often evenings, weekends, indoor, outdoor. But never considered it a job. I did go on to work for one charity the same hours but renumerated, now that was a job, with holidays, sick pay, health care.

Pretty much joanmcc

It's work. I don't get paid to clean the house - I would be seriously fucked off if I was told it should therefore be done in my "free time." And it is not the same as a hobby, because if the OP stopped doing it, it would let multiple people down. She's already earning money for the family. Why should contributing to wider society be seen as a hobby on a par with, eg, watching the football, or playing a round of golf? Do people really only seemtheir jobs as having a personal monetary value?

Again this is a disability rights issue. There are many disabled people in voluntary work for the same reasons as the OP, who can’t do their old paid job. Would you tell them to their face their work is not a real job?

And all the people who have ever benefited from charitable work, when thanking them for their help would those posters inform them that of course what they’re doing isn’t a real work?

I really hope this is a stupidity rather than a bigotry issue.

And I think the OP is perfectly happy with the level of clutter in the house - it's her dh who finds it stressful.

Maybe he needs to adjust his standards a bit.

Are there really people who regard the work that disabled people do as of less value and status than able people simply because it is unpaid?

Are there really people who regard the vital work done by charities in this country, as not a real job?

Clearly the OP's dh does not see why he should adjust anything whatsoever about his lifestyle. He just expects his dw to suck up all the massive changes to her hopes, dreams and expectations without leaving any ripples on the pond to disturb him.

Just get the cleaner and resolve it

It doesn’t have to be a whole voluntary work thing

*Maybe he needs to adjust his standards a bit."

Funny how that's never the answer to an untidy husband not pulling his weight.

I ran a team of volunteers, they came and went as they wished. Sometimes someone who had offered to help, something else came up, health, grandchildren, a lunch with friends. No matter I just got back on the phone to find a replacement.

What job do you know of that would be happy with that.

joanmc - it's my answer to it. I expect you'll find it's the answer for a great many people outside the weird world of mumsnet, where obsessive cleaning seems to be a common disorder...

It’s not a job then.

The NHS volunteer recruitment drive has people who are acting as blood couriers. Some people get paid for that, the volunteers don't.

There are lawyers, doctors/surgeons/consultants who donate second opinions and work as a volunteer activity. They're not paid for that activity.

There are people who donate substantial intellectual/other work to various organisations and they make a huge difference to the quality of life or civil society.

Is the only work that is worth doing remunerated?

OP is paid - by health insurance (whether hers or her previous employers). She's maintaining an active contribution to society. OP is doing all of the things that Occupational Health would recommend for self-management of a disability/chronic condition. I nonetheless feel that Occ H would recommend employing a cleaner and that it is paid out of joint funds.