To think my husband is being unfair about my charity work

[Springfresh]

We used the services of a charity a couple of years ago and I now volunteer for them. It’s a specialised and skilled role which I find interesting and challenging. And of course it helps other people.

However, my husband believes it is no different to a hobby and then takes exception to it impacting on the things he sees as my role. He works full time, I am a SAHM and am unable to do paid work due to a disability. This voluntary work helps keep me sane and makes me feel useful once more. I have no other hobbies.

AIBU to think that he’s BU by treating it as the same as any other hobby when actually it’s so importnant to me AND benefits other people’s lives? Most of my work is done during the day when the children are at school or in the evening when they’re in bed. He sees this as using my “free time” which means I actually don’t get much down time at all. AIBU or is he?

Get the cleaner.

Fair enough, Springfresh ! I think your dh is being obnoxious not recognising that you are working from home. Paid or not, it is work. You will have to get over your dislike of cleaners, though, if your dh does not want to pick up the slack and you can afford a cleaner between you. I would be offended if he sees it as all your failing, though, that the house does not meet his standards of tidiness. Clearly you both need a cleaner!

Does he do anything with the kids? Does he sit and play with them or take them out to the park of a weekend etc?

Cross posted. You have three kids with additional needs. Wow you're busy. That's demanding.

Even more important then to find a strategy to deal with having a cleaner.

May be make a list of what you do in the week, with timings and discuss with DH your contribution to the home: he may not realise how much there is to actually do ( he should but he may not). If he's just putting out the bin and doing one wash he needs to step up.

Springfresh, I am in almost exactly the same position as you. Ended up on PHI at home with DC and now volunteering part time. Generally DH is supportive but completely understand the trade off with house, mental well being, pain levels etc. Also am terrible housewife. Feel free to PM if interested in chat.

Your OH wants YOU to pay for the cleaner ? 😡

That should be out of joint money
That's another example of him thinking that "wifely duties" are your responsibility to do, or to pay for.

He sounds an entitled arse.
Did he do his fair share of looking after the kids and housework before your disability ?
Even if he didn't, he should step up now
Most people with a disabled partner realise that their own life has to change too

You didn't decide to stay home because you were stressed / bored with your career
You were forced out and you have the insurance money to contribute to the household - premiums paid out of "your" earnings before ?

I used to limit cleaner to downstairs and did bedrooms myself. I think you should have the cleaner back better for the whole family.

Why do you have to pay? How is other stuff organised does he cover mortgage / bills / everything else or joint

Sounds a bit strange

Many career women think they have found a soulmate who respects them as an equal
and believes in sharing housework and childcare 50:50

It's only when the women or their DC have a disability, or some other circumstance forces them out of work,
that they realise that their status as an equal was wholly dependent on them being in ft work.

Yanbu. No one chooses disability, if anyone thought about it for longer than 2 seconds they'd see that. Keeping sane with a disability is no mean feat. You're making the best of a crap situation and thank god you have the insurance. Your dh is not your manager. A couple of missed Ironing's/ washings versus your mental health? No contest.

@Springfresh part of the answer may be a cleaning company... I pay a management fee and they supply a cleaner. The bit that may help you is that you can change maybe a few times until you get someone who suits you. The other positive is that the company sort out new people if someone leaves etc etc.

Maybe think of reducing your volunteering hours? With three children with additional needs and you with a disability, its no wonder you are struggling.

Not enough information here, eg your health condition(s) and the ways and extent to which this affects your ability to do stuff day to day and energy etc.

The DC are of school age, which theoretically gives you 6 hours a day, which should be enough to complete the vast majority of the household’s domestic work, and do some volunteering or have leisure time.

Unless your health issue has a significant affect on your ability to do domestic work I don’t think your H is U to want you to do the vast majority of it, during school hours, and to be annoyed if you instead prioritise your voluntary work.

I'd say your DH is jealous that you get paid for what he regards as "doing fuck all all day" while he has to in his mind "slog his tits off all day" to get his money. He will of course at the same time, be stripping out the effects (pain/mobility issues/physical limitations) of living with a disability and thinking you're living the good life the minute his back is turned.

I've seen this situation before and it's so often the case but you'd never get him to admit that's what it is. That would make him a complete pig of a man and he won't want to confirm that.

He also quite clearly thinks your disability is his opportunity to get a free full time maid.

Does doing your "duties" as set out by him cause you pain or any other detrimental effect to your disability. Is he completely ignoring your new found physical limitations and/or the DC's additional needs in compiling his mental list of demands regarding your "duties".

As for you paying for a cleaner, tell him to fuck off and pay for it himself if he wants one or, you know, pick up a fucking duster.

He sounds like a lazy entitled wanker to be honest.

I still can't get past the " duties " thing myself. If my DH ever felt the need to refer to anything as my "duty", he wouldn't know what had hit him.

This

I often find myself thinking in these scenarios that if the couple split, the woman would have less issues. Free time when the ex dh has the kids, less whinging about the wifehousework, no one to answer to about how they divvy up their time. The dh would have to entertain his kids by himself (if he planned to continue a relationship), keep on top of his own mess or pay for the cleaner himself.
It's a situation that is not uncommon.

With your disability, three children with special needs, a messy house, your dislike of a cleaner, as a full time worker I would not look forward with a light heart to coming home to all that. I suspect he feels if you did less volunteering everything would be better. Not true I know.

How would you manage if he disappeared, walked out, died. Imagine that scenario, what you would have to do to cope. Would you then accept a cleaner how would you adapt?

Are you expecting your OH to be a carer to four people and a cleaner when he is not at work. Try advertising that position with a job agency and seeing what they can come up with.

Fireworks the departing parent wants the responsibility of the children from what I read on here, that is so often not the case. The other partner moves on . I personally know two women who left the children behind.

Are you expecting your OH to be a carer to four people and a cleaner when he is not at work.

Like most working Mother's you mean?

maybe he thinks you should be working all your time for him and family? Maybe he doesn't value your time, interests, sanity?

Llan. most working mothers do not have four people with special needs in the home.

I may be completely wrong, but could your husband be seeing it as, youre too busy with your volunteer paperwork during the day, too busy with the volunteering task in the evening, and then too tired later from the volunteering to do house stuff, but you don't want a cleaner- so how else will it get done other than on his return from work?

I may be completely wrong, but could your husband be seeing it as, youre too busy with your volunteer paperwork during the day, too busy with the volunteering task in the evening, and then too tired later from the volunteering to do house stuff, but you don't want a cleaner- so how else will it get done other than on his return from work?

I suspect you are right.

madmum - how is putting the bins out once a week and putting a wash on once a week being expected to be a cleaner?! I think the OP would find it much easier to live without that than her dh would find it easy to live without the things she does - namely, it would seem, the cooking, cleaning (albeit not to his standards), schoolruns and childcare (albeit once in awhile she asks him to keep an eye on the kids, which are, after all, their children). It's not as if she doesn't have her own independent income. So his life would be quite seriously impacted by the loss of both her income and her domestic services. Her domestic life would be impacted very little by his loss.

Maybe think of reducing your volunteering hours? With three children with additional needs and you with a disability, its no wonder you are struggling.

Why, because OP has a disability, is she obliged to be fully responsible for the children and domestic work?

This is a disability rights issue. OP has the right to do meaningful work even if it is not remunerated.