To think my husband is being unfair about my charity work

[Springfresh]

We used the services of a charity a couple of years ago and I now volunteer for them. It’s a specialised and skilled role which I find interesting and challenging. And of course it helps other people.

However, my husband believes it is no different to a hobby and then takes exception to it impacting on the things he sees as my role. He works full time, I am a SAHM and am unable to do paid work due to a disability. This voluntary work helps keep me sane and makes me feel useful once more. I have no other hobbies.

AIBU to think that he’s BU by treating it as the same as any other hobby when actually it’s so importnant to me AND benefits other people’s lives? Most of my work is done during the day when the children are at school or in the evening when they’re in bed. He sees this as using my “free time” which means I actually don’t get much down time at all. AIBU or is he?

There seems to be a focus on equal down time rather than DH spending quality time with the children he chose to have.
She gets them from salary 3.30 every day, why isn't he happy to spend a few hours a night playing with them once a week?

I am back! Lots of replies!!!

I am being deliberately vague because this is my life and I’d rather keep some of it anonymous! My voluntary role involves supporting people and organisations who may not be able to access the service during their working day, so “after hours” is shared between all the volunteers.

I have spoken to DH about all this, and he says he finds it frustrating that the house is a mess when I’m sitting at my desk surrounded by paperwork and that I should have my voluntary stuff and the housework done during my oodles of free time during the school day. What it boils down to is that he wants to get a cleaner. We had one but I found it very stressful to have someone in and would get wound up about cleaning up for them before they arrived, and I HATE being in the house when they’re here, so I got rid of them. That’s the bit that needs to change I think. I thought I could keep on top of everything (and in my opinion I do, we have 3 very messy kids) but “standards are slipping” and it’s my remit to ensure that they don’t.

You need to get over your cleaner aversion

This is the solution to your problem.

What does he do around the house and with the kids OP?

So he isn’t being unreasonable.

You didn’t want the cleaner so in that case you need to step up and make keeping on top of the house a priority. Or get over the dislike of cleaner. You can’t have it both ways!

The issue for me is that the OP has sufficient time when her husband is at work to volunteer. Let’s say the working day is 8-6 taking account of commuting time. Her DH does 10 hours of bread winning and then returns home at 6. The OP can do 5 hours of childcare and school runs, 3 hours of volunteering and 2 hours of housework (she isn’t Martha Stewart).

At 6 she and he are in family time. So is it right that either says on a regular basis that they need downtime. To rest, meditate or play their Xbox ? Or that either one of them on a regular basis does an extra few hours work?

I think if an OP came on and said that her DH regularly comes home and takes a rest / plays the Xbox he would be criticised. Additionally if he took to his laptop and did a few more hours work, he doesn’t need to do, he would be criticised. This is his point. Her point is he doesn’t understand her motivations as a SAHP or volunteer. Although I agree she is vague about his actual objections.

Now I think many couples are faced with scenarios were one has to work in the evening or one is unwell and needs rest. But they work together to sort it out. The OP and her husband can’t do this. There is resentment and bitterness. They don’t share the same outlook and can’t see the others POV. This is their problem.

But you need to tidy up for a cleaner. Cleaning and tidying are not the same thing.

How old are the DCs? If the whole family works at being tidier (does decluttering need to happen too?) and making sure that the house is in the right state to be cleaned, it might be easier on the OP to have a cleaner again.

But if having a cleaner involves the OP rushing round tidying up after 3 (or 4?) messy people every week, I can see why she doesn't want one.

Sleepingstandingup he takes the bin out, and puts a wash on on a Sunday night.

The OP's situation is totally different to having chosen to be a SAHP:

She has been deprived by accident / illness of the job, probably profession, that she used to do.

She is "trapped" into lifelong SAHM work that she probably shared before with her OH or with a paid cleaner
and would only be human resenting the frustration of this life sentence without parole

She desperately needs to be able to do something else as well,
but is probably NOT capable of the hours & reliability required of paid empoyment

She brings in a "salary" from the insurance company, so her OH is NOT the sole breadwinner
he doesn't carry that responsibility.

The insurance company WANT her to volunteer, to help her mental health & coping - that may even be a moral obligation to them, to avoid becoming even worse and possibly then becoming entitled to higher payments.

The OP's disability does not mean the OH is entitled to demand her wifely "duties" be fulltime - wtf ! - so that he can have an easier life than before.
She certainly has a worse life now

Both parties are entitled to the same amount of free time for themselves and it sounds like it is only some days that the OH - horror - has to put his penis down and parent his DC.

The OP needs her volunteering as therapy, a small way to make her disability less frustrating.
Her OH should understand this.

Would it be more acceptable if she went to counselling sessions instead, a couple of nights per week?
Volunterring is often more effective and anyway counselling is usually non-existent even for chronic need.

The problem with a cleaner is that they are not also a tidy upper.

However, tidying should be less hassle than cleaning, especially if the OH and DC can be trained to be less messy and more considerate

“However, tidying should be less hassle than cleaning, especially if the OH and DC can be trained to be less messy and more considerate”

That’s another place where I’m tanking. To be fair, all three have additional needs, involving attention and executive function so it’s not intentional but they seem to leave a trail of stuff behind them.

This sounds very much like a friend's situation in regards to the job. In the us military, got diabetes so could no longer do the job he was meant to do and was given early retirement/life disability pay.

I wouldn't say you are sahm OP. You are on life long benefit through your insurance, still technically employed by your company, and you volunteer. Did you start calling yourself sahm or did he?

Sit down with him and make him spell out what exactly he thinks is lacking. If he thinks it's intruding on family time then discuss. If he wants you in a pinny...bake him into a pie.

Make sure that is all the reasoning as i once had to try to talk a friend out of volunteering so much. Everyone could see she gave too much(to run from her own issues) and it made her very stressed and snappy and ill. You said yourself some dsys are gruelling so also bear in mind that might be part of the impact too.

Ok so he wants to pay for a cleaner but you cancelled it

I think you should take the cleaner back

Xposted. Is he annoyed by your mess? Or the kids? Does he tidy his own?

OP this thread is quite divided . I'm on your side though.

If you think about it the school day is not very long, after tidying up breakfast etc it's about 10 to 2/3, therefore it's about 4-5 hours. Into this if one tries to cram cleaning, shopping, prepping for meals, house/family admin plus 2-3 hours volunteer work that's tight. Also OP has a disability.

I think her DH should be asking her how he can help, rather than complaining about standards! That said, OP get that cleaner. Get a coffee, shut your bedroom/ study door and do your stuff while they clean. My DH is a SAHP and he used to feel embarrassed about the cleaner. Eventually, it caused so many rows that he agreed and we're all much happier..

So you do full housework and all school runs / child care for three kids with additional needs and his house hon is a bin and a load of washing? I'd start finding something to do of a weekend so he has to have them!

I think getting a cleaner again is the solution. It's not as if you'd be a SAHM if it weren't for your accident.

Handprints, he’s mostly annoyed by the kids’ mess and finds it overwhelming when they all want his attention after a long day.

He wants me to pay for the cleaner.

Springfresh - I can't say I blame you for your dislike of the complete invasion of privacy involved in having a cleaner in. Is there any way you could kind of work with the cleaner on the day she comes in, instead of tidying up before she comes? You could maybe work as a team - you tidy a room, she comes and cleans it, etc, and go round the house like that together, rather than trying to keep out of each other's way? Then she would be more of a help in keeping on top of things rather than someone who creates more work to get ready for and then makes you cringe as you hide somewhere else in the house? Obviously not an arrangement all cleaners would be happy with, but my mum had a cleaner she worked with like that - she actually had the cleaner in on a morning she was not working, so that they could work together on things. They got on quite well.

Although I do thinks its a bit patronising of him to refer to your charity stuff as a hobby, I get his point about a messy house. He has offered to get a cleaner, but you neither want this or are able to find time to do it yourself. He sounds like he thinks your charity work has become more important than him or the family. And from what you've said, he may be right.

I think the way forward is for both of you to compomise. Maybe you do less charity work, and get a cleaner. He is more supportive of the positive and necessary impact of your charity work on your mental health.

That’s a nice idea roundabouttown but I would rather DIE than do that. Sorry!

Touched a nerve? I manage to do my share of household tasks, volunteer and work full-time. I have a baby and a toddler and live overseas away from both families. Plenty of women do this and more.
Well, bully for you.

If you want to get snarky, I might not work full-time in paid employment but I do most of the household stuff not just my share, raised my own children not dumping them in nursery (before you jump on your high horse, I don't have a problem with that, your choice, but it was you that accused me of doing nothing and of being a kept woman), work as an unpaid school govenor so that the school your child will go to can function, volunteered so school trips can go ahead, facilitated various after school activities, worked as an unpaid TA to provide additional support that the school couldn't affford (maybe your child won't need extra support, maybe they will) among other things.

I think it is you that is doing the looking down. If you've touched a nerve, it's that raising children has been devalued and is viewed as less important than bringing in money, that SAHPs are considered to do "nothing" and that they are thought of as a scroungers.

He probably is better off interacting with his dc rather than tidying / cleaning after work

And someone has to do it - just shut the door while she’s there if you don’t want to go out

Roundabout I’m afraid I had the same reaction reading that ; I think my toes curled

I’ve always had cleaners, my mum worked so we had them growing up too. I don’t find them to be any kind of invasion of privacy, I’m just used to it. Perhaps you could get to that place too OP? I find the benefits vastly outweigh any perceived downsides to having them in your space.

I don’t see why you should have to pay for them though. And I don’t see
why DH seems to be doing so little in the way of household chores. Why should it should all fall to you simply because you had the great misfortune to be disabled? Surely he understood that your disability would mean that he would have to step up on the domestic front and with the kids?