To think my husband is being unfair about my charity work

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We used the services of a charity a couple of years ago and I now volunteer for them. It’s a specialised and skilled role which I find interesting and challenging. And of course it helps other people.

However, my husband believes it is no different to a hobby and then takes exception to it impacting on the things he sees as my role. He works full time, I am a SAHM and am unable to do paid work due to a disability. This voluntary work helps keep me sane and makes me feel useful once more. I have no other hobbies.

AIBU to think that he’s BU by treating it as the same as any other hobby when actually it’s so importnant to me AND benefits other people’s lives? Most of my work is done during the day when the children are at school or in the evening when they’re in bed. He sees this as using my “free time” which means I actually don’t get much down time at all. AIBU or is he?

Posted too soon.

I agree with the husband. She isn't working full time, instead she is actively deciding not to work (as she can't do her previous job but can quote clearly do other work and could look in to paid work in another capacity) and is happy bringing home a reduced 'salary', putting more pressure on the husband to provide.
On top of this she now has more free time but instead of volunteering during the day, when is most convenient for the family as a whole, she does it at night. Her husband is working all day and then doing the childcare at night, to help fulfill the OPs wants, and then she wants more free time on top of this.

@MumW

Touched a nerve? I manage to do my share of household tasks, volunteer and work full-time. I have a baby and a toddler and live overseas away from both families. Plenty of women do this and more.

But the money she is being paid by the insurer, while being less than that she previously earned, might be more than she could get in a different role that might be much lower paid.

The OP also says that the DH 'has a very active social life' which leads me to believe that he could be one of the many men expects his DCs needs (bath, bedtime, clubs etc) or the running of a household to all happen without any involvement from him.

I used to administer a company wide PHI scheme for my employer. It was exactly the own occupation insurance arrangement that the OP describes, ie it paid salary for the role until 65 in the event of illness / injury that prevented the person doing THAT role. Alternative work was irrelevant, it was whether they could do the specific job they were employed for. Sadly, it was often relatively short term as it covered terminal illness but sometimes was very long term. In one case someone suffered an awful viral infection that left them with permanent impairment in their 20s so the insurance will run for nearly 40 years.

Anyway, there are annual assessments and one of the key medical concerns is the mental health implication of becoming isolated, feeling like a burden, not contributing, etc. The insurance company actively encouraged recipients to do volunteer work if they could as it was positive and good for their health. It had no implications for their insurance payments at all.

Barbara it may well be, but if the OP were working there would possibly be a more even split of time.
Husband seems to work all day and then looks after the children to allow the OP to volunteer.
OP has about 2-3 hours a day of volunteering, yet still needs dedicated free time over and above this despite having children at school and so more free time to begin with.

The OP wrote this: "Titchy I suppose it’s when I need his support to be able to do it, like keeping the kids from disturbing me if I’m working an evening. Or a bit of down time in the evening when I’ve been at it all day." Sounds like a childcare issue to me, especially as she said the cooking and housework gets done, but she's not a Martha Stewart.

The issue isn't the volunteer work per say, but the unequal distribution of free time and when the work is done.
It does appear that OP has more free time, by virtue of her work being less hours and her children being at school, and yet is still demanding more.

I would say both the OP and her dh are working during the day. Both therefore need downtime in the evening. Arguing that the OP is using her free time to do a hobby, when she is actually working during that time, is silly. She is doing something beneficial to society; she is doing something beneficial to her mental health and well being; she is setting a good example to her children (that you shouldn't only be willing to contribute to society if someone pays you); she is doing something beneficial to her dh by not getting depressed and sitting on the sofa all day, scratching herself and letting her brain atrophy; and she is probably no more tired at the end of the day than she used to be when she was in full time work, it's just that her husband isn't willing to accept fatigue if you aren't being paid for it.

This is obviously an unusual situation, both because you had the foresight to have an insurance policy and your financial situation is sorted (yay you!), and also because you're now disabled - I think your husband would be wise to give you a pretty wide berth as far as your mental wellbeing goes.

I think he's being unreasonable. No one has the right to demand a Martha Stewart arrangement.

@deltaG you're being ridiculous. If you work full time and volunteer then you're not doing much at home, or you have an easy full time job. Most full time jobs are at least 9-6 so there would physically be hardly any time left for you to spend with your baby and toddler and do house work and volunteer.

My husband has a similiar insurance policy. If he could no longer do his job he'd take home a generous monthly payment. If he took a different job which he was still able to do he'd lose this payment and probably earn less. How would that help the family?

OP is contributing financially through her insurance payments and should have time for something stimulating too.

OP YADNBU - I also do voluntary work and sometimes that involves evening meetings. So on those days my OH sorts the kids, just like I do if he's going out to play sport.

Im guessing that you sort the kids if he's out in the evening? So why shouldn't he do this when you're busy? Surely it doesn't matter if you're at the gym/reading group or volunteering?

Can I ask, does your injury/disability mean you find things physically difficult now? So he should really be cutting you more slack for getting everything done around the house, not being an arse towards you when he needs to pull his weight.

I'm sorry about your disability - you're doing a good thing to plough your efforts into helping others.

I'm also sorry your husband is an arse.

Working even a traditional 9-5 with an hour's commute all in is still 9 hours a day. OP works 2-3 hours a day, some of which is in the evening.
She has more free time than the husband just by virtue of their working hours. There are times when she can have her down time, when both her children and husband are out during the day, but she seems to want to have this at night instead. There is an uneven distribution of free time in relation to working time.

At present myself and my partner work similar hours and then our down time is spilt evenly, with bed times and so on being shared to allow us both to have the same time to do things.
If I suddenly dropped to part time hours I would try to adjust so that we both still had the same free time.

If this were any other thread and the OP came on and said she was now a sahm due to disability but still wanted to go to the gym for 2 hours a night as it was good for her mental health, she'd get asked why she doesn't go during the day.

She does have time for something stimulating

More than her op I imagine - 7 hours minus general house stuff

sailorcherries - I'm wondering what sort of permanent disability you are envisaging which gets someone big payouts every year until retirement, has insurers worrying about the person's mental health, but which enables them to do 100% of the housework, cooking and childcare all day, every day, plus fit 2-3 hours of voluntary work in between 10 and 2 (allowing for school drop offs and pickups), without feeling the need for any downtime in the evening?

The family have already got a huge bonus compared to when you were working if you are now home to do school runs and no need for childcare. You still have your income. I would say that puts you on more than equal footing when it comes to taking some "you time" in the evening. Even if it was pure hobby.
Then there's also that it's helping people. I've always seen volunteering time as a kind of doing something or the family too because it's contributing to society on our behalf. So if I look after kids while DH volunteers I'm contributing to his contribution iyswim. But I guess you can't force someone else to contribute socially so if you can't convince him of the value I can see why for him it would come out of hobby budget. Still fine though, your situation shouldn't mean you can't ever have a commitment in the evening or be tired from your day. Lots of hobbies only happen in the evening and you shouldn't lose out for being injured.
Then there's also that it was recommended for your health.

Seems to me that you both could do with a sit down and chat about how much commitment is involved, how much it means to you, why you want to do it etc. Is there anything else he wants to do in terms of hobby or volunteering but doesn't due to family?

Would you really be ok with working all day, home to do the dinner / dc then do more after the volunteer work so the school age sahp can have a rest

Yep, I do that DH is SAHP, school age DC, he has a disability. He is writing a book, has been for 15 years, it keeps him sane, has as yet, brought no money. I do extra stuff so he can write. I love and support him, his mental health is important.

OP you are in the right.

How many hours writing does he do a day nakedScientist?

And when he’s finished writing do you keep picking up the slack so he can rest?

Voluntary work only means that it is unpaid, not that you don't commit, can turn up when you feel like it ! Otherwise, yes, it is a hobby.

roundabout well given that cooking, cleaning etc doesn't need to be done between 10-2, the volunteer work isn't done between then (which seems to be the husband's issue) and the OP has never suggested that the disability is in fact something that makes physical activity tiresome or hard, it's as reasonable a guess as any.

OP simply cannot do her previous job.
That does not mean she cannot work or help around a house - something she already does.

I'd like you to show me someone who spends 4 hours a day every single day cooking and cleaning, leaving absolutely no time for anything else, who also has children who cannot entertain themselves for any period of time to allow a meal to be cooked, meaning that all OPs time between her husband leaving for work and returning is taken up.

But if she was still at work, he would have to do all this stuff anyway. Given this disability wasn't her choosing, and she is still 'bringing money in', what's the difference/issu

? sailorcherries - But if she's not doing the shopping, household admin and housework between 10 and 2, then her dh will have to keep an eye on the kids while she's doing that, won't he? So it's not free time for her, then - not if her dh wants all her chores done before he gets home, so that he doesn't have to either help with the chores or help keep an eye on the kids... Do you really think he would be happier to keep an eye on the kids while she hoovers than he is to keep an eye on the kids while she does her voluntary work?

And the OP specified that most of the voluntary work is done when the children are at school or in bed.

So it seems to me, he wants all the housework done for him and to come home and have lots of downtime for himself, while his dw just does housework and has no interests that might tire her out and result in him being expected to help with domestic duties of any sort.