Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with DPs self inflicted health related sickness

152 replies

DecorationsAreDown · 02/01/2019 21:11

DP (Age 50+) has a life long condition managed successfully with daily medication.
We have been together for 3 years & live together.
In the 3 years he has had about 15 ‘episodes ‘ which result in 4-5 days of recovery
Day 1 : cannot move except to use the loo
Day 2 : able to shower but can’t form sentences or move beyond moving to the settee
Day 3 : headachy & slow movements
Until back to normal day 5-6

I have absolute sympathy for this condition.
My issue is that every single episode has been caused by partying which he knows is the cause.
So since 6am on NYD I have been attending to his every whim. Under normal circumstances I would have absolutely no problem doing so but he has basically been drunk for the entire holiday period & now I’m walking on egg shells so he can recover .
He says I’m being unsympathetic

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 03/01/2019 08:00

if your married don't the words "in sickness and in health" mean anything to you?

I'm not sure that counts when someone is making themselves knowingly sick through their stupidity and selfishness, knowing their partner will be there do deal with the fallout.

Magentaorwagenta · 03/01/2019 08:05

If you had DC that needed looking after, yanbu.

But tbh what's wrong with making some food and ignoring him in general for a few days?

Unless he is a raging alcoholic or a horrible drunk or causing his own life to be threatened- who cares?

Notacluethisxmas · 03/01/2019 08:07

My mother is epileptic.

If she drank to the point this happened. I would have taken her to hospital. Each and every time.

Does he just drink and drink til he has a seizure?

This is going to sound awful. But you won't be caring for him much longer, because he will kill himself with this.

DistanceCall · 03/01/2019 08:11

Also - I wouldn't put up with this even if there were no epilepsy, and it was just a matter of someone deliberately drinking themselves into unconsciousness every few months. I find drunkenness pathetic.

Trills · 03/01/2019 08:12

And he does this five times a year, putting himself out of action for a week at a time?

He could call me unsympathetic all he liked, but I wouldn't hear it because I wouldn't be there.

FlagFish · 03/01/2019 08:13

If my DP was doing this once a year I'd have some sympathy. But 5 times a year is ridiculous! He has no self control. There is absolutely no need to drink to excess 5 times a year when you know the impact it has on you. What an immature loser.

AgentJohnson · 03/01/2019 08:17

Enabling is a choice, one which you could choose not to do. His Ex must have done cartwheels when she realised there was someone to hand over the enabling baton to.

His entitled irresponsibility is part of who he is, either accept it or move on.

SignOnTheWindow · 03/01/2019 08:30

He sounds like he needs some professional help dealing with his epilepsy.

Flowers to you, OP, it's very hard to live with someone when they're in self-destruct mode. Put yourself first and get out if you feel the relationship is not up to the effort this is going to take.

Ledkr · 03/01/2019 08:39

Can he really not do anything but go to the loo or does he just enjoy being waited on? I say that as someone who has suffered on and off my whole adult life with health issues including 12 surgeries and 6 months of chemo but have never been unable to make a quick sandwhich and have raised 5 kids too.

labazs · 03/01/2019 08:46

alcohol reacts with my tablets and makes me very poorly so what do i do ? dont drink! simple solution one he should take too personally i think you would be better without him

DeepanKrispanEven · 03/01/2019 08:47

I'm wondering about the fact that you're tendering to his every whim and he's complaining that you're not "sympathetic". If he's well enough to have whims and demand sympathy, it sounds like he's not necessarily as ill as he makes out. Is he stringing this out precisely because you're there to wait on him?

Cantusethatname · 03/01/2019 09:39

You're enabling him.

MrsMcGarry · 03/01/2019 09:45

I have a long term health condition. Drinking and eating unhealthily exacerbates it. Occasionally I do it anyway because the sense of freedom and normality is worth the suffering I know will result.

But my suffering doesn’t ever impact anyone else. It means I have more pain than normal and spend more time on the loo. I wouldn’t do it if it incapacitated me to the ententes it does him .

Wordthe · 03/01/2019 09:54

I think what this man doing is a kind of slow motion suicide

Eatmycheese · 03/01/2019 09:56

The second time would have been the last time for me.
I simply couldn't stand it.

Wordthe · 03/01/2019 10:04

I would have also been long gone by now, after a couple of episodes Id have washed my hands of this partner

What is keeping you there @Decorations?
what hold does he have over you?

WellBHoise · 03/01/2019 10:07

I have a friend who has epilepsy, triggered by lack of sleep/dehydration and getting drunk. She still drinks heavily and most weekends.
Know someone else who can’t drink for another medical reason, they have been happily teetotal for years. First friend can’t understand why they wouldn’t still socially drink/thinks they are boring and she is above them as she still drinks, she would rather risk seizing and losing her driving licence again. If it was me, I wouldn’t touch a drop of alcohol again.

OP he doesn’t need to drink, you don’t need to look after him anymore. Tell him when he’s or he other side that that was the last time and it’s too dangerous and he quits drinking or you’re gone and he has to go to hospital everytime he drinks, and has to tell them why.

PoshPenny · 03/01/2019 10:15

YANBU at all. I don't think I'd be hanging around much longer if he was my DP.

llangennith · 03/01/2019 10:19

Life is too short to waste on someone who doesn't value their own life. Get as far away from this man as you can.

BollocksIsNoACompleteSentence · 03/01/2019 10:20

Why exactly is he so badly incapacitated for so many days - does he have a TC seizure each time? It must be a very bad one to have such a severe after effects (and I can totally understand how it could be so severe).

I have epilepsy and like PP, hate how it restricts your life. I do have the very odd glass of wine at celebratory events, sometimes have a couple but the knowledge that seizures do put you at risk of death (status epilepticus and SUDEP) tends to focus the mind. If he is willing to risk this and so frequently, I would say he either has an alcohol problem or possibly a MH issue/denial in reaction to his condition?

The other issue is the impact on seizures on loved ones (so, on you). Not just the worry of bad consequences and recovery time, but if you witness them, my DH finds it terrifying and it's a big responsibility as if they last over 5 mins or are repeated you have to call 999. And of course if they aren't witnessed, the risks are greater.

Speaking as someone with epilepsy, it shows a lack of love and respect to you as well as to himself and is selfish behaviour. What does he say when you discuss it, and do you think an ultimatum would change anything??

gamerwidow · 03/01/2019 10:37

Having a long term condition is hard and i can understand why sometimes people get angry and frustrated and think fuck it I'm going to enjoy myself but 15 times in 3 years is too much to be ignoring the implications of their health condition.
I don't blame you for not wanting to support him this time round. He needs to learn that he can do what he likes but only if he is prepared to deal with the consequences himself and if that's what he wants then he shouldn't expect you to be there at the end waiting for him.

OrigamiZoo · 03/01/2019 10:51

He wouldn't do it if he had nobody to look after him.

Tell him you won't be next time as it's self inflicted and he clearly has no respect for you whereby he gets himself into such a state you are his slave for a week.

Wordthe · 03/01/2019 10:54

@Wellbe, your friend who drinks with epilepsy, well she seems to be living according to the Maxim of live fast die young
Does she even realise that the epileptic seizures really do a number on your brain ?

Wordthe · 03/01/2019 10:55

ultimately the message from this man is that he enjoys controlling and dominating you so much that he doesn't care if it kills him to do it

Dosmamas · 04/01/2019 23:02

@MattFreisCheekyDimples
Ahh sorry I forgot that marriage and kids is the only measure of a 'real' relationship.

Swipe left for the next trending thread